Am i being selfish?: Hello everybody i... - Anxiety and Depre...

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Am i being selfish?


Hello everybody i want to share something with you guys. My mom and dad were separated 2 years ago, They barely talked each other and so on. After i came back from Ireland my dad came to my city to visit me cos i was gonna go back soon to Ireland. When i broke up with my ex and i started feeling sad and depressed my dad wanted to spend more time with me. The thing is my dad couldn't even enter to the house cos my mom hated him.

After that my mom let him in cos i was going through a bad time, he started coming more often and spend time with us, he said to me he only wanted my mom as a friend and he was coming home so often cos my depression.

Now they are kind of dating and he doesn't come here to see me anymore he comes cos he broke up with his last gf, he feels alone and wants to be with my mother now , my mom said she hated him and she was never gonna come back with him and now she is so fascinated with him and they have pushed me away.

They have gone to the museum today and obvs they didn't invite me to go. They left me alone and they know i hate being alone cos my depression. All this makes me so moody and angry cos they are now so happy due my suffering. My mom should be so happy that my ex dumped me so she could back with my dad as she always wanted

do you think am i being selfish cos this makes me mad? i think they are now together due my misery and don't care about me.

33 Replies

Oh, my, Vanessi. You have had a bit of a surprise, but it may actually be a good one. Keep your eye on your objective of putting your breakup with your gentleman behind you, and moving forward with your life.

You have parents who still care about you. They seem to be needing and enjoying one another at the moment. They have a history, which includes you, and they may have felt the same heartbreak when they separate two years ago that you did when your relationship ended with your man. If they are mending fences, that could be a very positive effect on your home life and support.

It's hard sometimes to see other couples happy when one is recovering from the end of a relationship. But that doesn't mean other couples aren't entitled to that happiness, even if their total attention is diverted from you.

You are dealing with depression, and part of that maybe learning to be by yourself.

Please don't let your anger about your breakup take control and have you direct it towards your parents. If you need to be angry, direct it towards how you are still feeling about your breakup. Don't let it upset your relationship with your parents and a supportive home.

You're a good young woman and it took two good parents to help you become that good woman. They deserve a little happiness and maybe a break from their loneliness, just like you. And all couples need some alone time.

They have not pushed you aside. xx

vanessi in reply to HearYou

well i know them and i know all this is cos my dad was remaining alone. It seems he fixed up all this, Imagine he had no one to spend christmas nor new years, his family doesn't love him cos he has been a mean guy.

He doesn't do anything for free.


You feel angry because you are still mourning your break up. I know it's difficult to see others happy right now but try to be happy for them. They probably never stopped loving one another and being there for you brought them back together not your pain , don't think of it like that, if you feel lonely open up to them aND let them know you are still not alright, they won't know if you don't tell them. They are trying to rekindle the romance and learn one another again. But I'm sure if you tell them how bad you feel they will be there for you again.

vanessi in reply to Hidden

well, i don't think it is that. my dad told me a couple of months ago he didn't love my mom as woman anymore, he loved her as a friend. Now magically he is "in love" again, i know my dad he wants someone who be a housewife and make the tasks at home. And all this is not my business but now everybody is happy i bet they are glad that this happened to me, cos i am the link in all this

HearYou in reply to vanessi

You really need to let go of this. You have enough on your plate, and need to save your energy for yourself. You can't change anyone but yourself, and what is between your parents is not a worry or blame you need to take on. If you are still angry, you may want to get a plastic baseball bat and take a few good whacks at a sturdy tree to release your anger safely.

You are too good of a young WOMAN to begin to think or sound otherwise. OK?

vanessi in reply to HearYou

it's ok but i still think they were supposed to help me not making me feel worthless, they just got in a romantic teenager relatioship and i don't need that. As i said they were just the lucky one with my breakup

HearYou in reply to vanessi

Whoa. Vanessi, you really need to stop this as it appears to be hurting your recovery. Your recovery is not your parents' responsibility. They support you from what you have been writing in other posts, and provide a home for you as well. Am always here for you, but really think maybe your anxiety is beginning to raise its ugly self in the form of jealousy that you are not the center of your parents attention at this moment. Please concentrate on yourself, don't assume your parents are happy that you're not. OK?xx

vanessi in reply to HearYou

it's not jealousy, i just don't feel comfotable with the situation, I know it is my recovery but all this makes me feel bad. They can be happy if they want but i don't need this right now

do your parents know it makes you upset if not you should try to take them about it and this is not selfish of you. feel better soon

vanessi in reply to slychichen45

They don't know and i don't wanna interfere. Obvs this makes me feel more lonely.

slychichen45 in reply to vanessi

do you have a therapist? If so then talking to them would be better then taking my advice but if you telling them by text could illuminate some anxiety overall this decision is yours I wish I could be more help

it's ok, i can't even help myself, sometimes i would like to disappear. I wish i were dead today really, i don't see any improvement in my case. Just sadness around me.

HearYou in reply to vanessi

Ok. This has not been a happy day for you, and your parents are not doing what you want them to do. That's the nut of it today, nothing more. None of this talking about wanting to be dead today. You are just wanting to be living a different way, We talked before about broken hearts taking a long time to heal sometimes, and that is your goal. I even shared my personal story with you.

To let your heart heal and to go forward; not been long enough for that to happen. Concentrate on your part-time teaching job and go forward. It will give you a sense of accomplishment and improved self-image. Trust me a little, ok?

I need to go to bed now, and I wish you a better day tomorrow. x

vanessi in reply to HearYou

thanks, yes it is not a good day, i just wanna be ok. Sweet dreams

HearYou in reply to vanessi

You too.

Yeah you are kinda being selfish. Aren't you happy for your parents? You will find another love I promise. Take care of yourself at this time...listen to music..go to gym..get Mani pedis ..take a class in something you've always wanted to gentle with yourself ...see a therapist..break ups are tough but time will heal.

You're beautiful you'll find someone.. the only person you can yourself.

vanessi in reply to Justswimming

But i don't wanna find someone. I don't want someone else. I know who is the man I want but I can't have him. I don't know but I see men and I don't see myself being with another man. I just can't. I think no one is gonna fill that emptiness I have in my heart.

I Might never stop loving him

HearYou in reply to vanessi

Hello Vanessi.

I reviewed your posts and numerous replies over the last few days.

A great deal of support and suggestions have been sent to you in a caring and supportive manner.

However, maybe it is time for you to take a deep breath and reread your posts and replies.

You appear to be caught in a revolving door, going over some of the same issues repeatedly. You may be tired and need to do some thinking about where you are, where you want to be, and what type of support you need to move forward.

Get a good night rest, and remember what you think you want, is not necessarily what you really need.

vanessi in reply to HearYou

i go over some of the same issues cos i can't recover from that. That's why i am here, i can do everything but still feel bad, it is in my head all day long

I feel you need to concentrate on you, let your parents figure it out, it’s sounds complicated, what are you doing to help your depression, are you getting out, walking, journaling, doing a kindness for others, it’s a lonely place, but you can take baby steps, be kind to your self. X

vanessi in reply to Florida1959

thank you, i got a job. Start tomorrow

gogogirl in reply to vanessi

I wish you the best on your job. You sound like a talented and caring teacher.

vanessi in reply to gogogirl

Thank you

Florida1959 in reply to vanessi

Go girl, x

honestly, answering your first question, your not selfish at all. in fact my parents are also divorced, and ive gone through a few breakups myself. i understand how it feels being a teenage girl. im barley 14. anyway i know it may feel hopeless, but i promise you, you will find happiness soon. but how soon is your own question. have you talked to a friend about these matters? preferably a girl, but i guess some guys could be helpful. I always talk to my best friend if something like this comes up. btw harming yourself does not solve anything!!! it will only cause more stress. trust me. anyway. yes. it will be hard. life is never easy we all know this. But we can only hope. you may find the one who makes you happy. its amazing that the one we will spend our life, is somewhere on this earth. right here. right now. have a good night, i hope i was sorta helpful.

thanks :)

Are you being selfish? If you have to ask that, I think you know the answer :)

I get it, I really do. You are hurt and in pain yet life goes on around you. My mother in law passed away and for us, the world stopped, our hearts were crushed, yet life kept going on for those around us. Our biggest decisions were flowers and funeral plans. We couldn’t eat, but no one else around us lost their appetite.

So your parents found their way back to each other, that would make most children happy. So you may want to consider why you can’t be happy about it. Perhaps the next time you have negative thoughts and feelings about your parents Think about how lucky you are to have parents that love and care for you. I’m assuming they do based on your post. My parents simply pretend I don’t exist. Think about the thirteen siblings found in California that were chained to beds, malnourished, not allowed to shower, knowing the dogs were treated better than they were.

I’m not trying to minimize your pain but I do want you to see the bigger picture. I hope you feel better soon!

vanessi in reply to chatnoirmd

Well it's now that my dad is spending time with me, last year i saw him 3 times cos he didn't want to know anybout me, my mom nor my siblings

chatnoirmd in reply to vanessi

Ouch! I like these forums, but it can be difficult to help because we don't always know the entire story. That's tough, and I understand exactly how you feel. I wish I could say it gets better really fast, but in truth, I'm almost 40 and I still feel empty from time to time. In time, you can learn how to cope and deal with it and surround yourself with plenty of people that deserve to know you. At times, I still feel a pang of sadness of grief for the relationship. Mine is way to complicated to share here.... but I found some great books that helped me realize that all of that stuff, it's on them, not me.

I hope that makes sense. I found out six months ago my mom was taking heavy duty pain killers like percocet everyday to make it through the day. When we would talk, I'd wonder what I did to cause her to treat me certain ways and I finally realized that it was all on her. It took me a long time though to really see that it was all on her. I just won't feed in to it. I'm not sure if this is helpful at all :) I've found that with mental health, sometimes things are not a quick and easy fix. Even 'normal' people with a relatively low scale of mental health issues (although I fail to believe anyone is normal!) can take a long time to process things.

Vanessi whenever i have faced adversity with things like this i have always tried to keep busy and shift the focus from myself..

That is not easy and in many ways things that happened a long time ago still haunt me occasionally but it was no where near as bad as it was at the time..

I do not think you are selfish at all but sometimes you just have to let things run its course as none of us have a crystal ball...

vanessi in reply to stevie11

Very true, that's why i don't feel like making plans, i am just trying to let things run its course.


I think this could be a positive thing Vanessa. You are not being selfish but when we go through grief we need to be in the company of others. It is normal that you are feeling like you cannot be alone. You need to communicate this to your parents. Sit with them over dinner and talk about how you feel. Maybe they just think that you are not sad anymore and that you don't need them as much. Communication is key :) and how did your job interview go?

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