Sadness, anxiety and low self esteem.

[hylaaa]

Hello, I am 22, I am an italian girl, and I am new on this site. I am writing because i do not feel very well lately, my life is in constant confusion, and i am looking for answers concerning myself in a desperate way.

I have a long distance relationship since 1 year, with a palestinian young man (22 as well). We met on Erasmus in France; we fell in love despite knowing the difficulties we were going to meet after the end of those wonderful months spent together. In fact now he is back living his life in Palestine, while I am in Italy; we have not seen each other for 4 months, and we still do not know when our next meeting will be. We call each other and we text every day, but in contrast to him, i can not go on easily with my life here at home.

I am still studying at university, supposed to graduate in few months, but i am not busy at all: I have a lot of free time so i feel lonely and bad, all i can see in my future is failure. I miss him and I recognize i am needy with him. He is still my priority, while it seems i am not his, despite he tells me that he loves me. This makes me feel terribly sad and anxious. I just can not control myself with jealousy. In fact the worst thing i noticed in me is that I feel as if he could find a better girlfriend wherever, without telling me. I am so anxious he will betray me cause I am sad and disconsolate most of the time... I am like a control maniac, he feels that i am staliking him and i know this behaviour is pulling him apart; in fact we often fight because i claim support form him. I have trust issues with him, even though there is not a real reason. I am really going down with negative thoughts all the time and i feel compassion for myself, and also for him. Could this fear of replacement be a problem of low self esteem? I have never felt a brave and valuable person since childhood, and this is going worse during this period.

Thanks for reading this messy message.

[tofler]

Long distance relationships are very difficult to maintain, for a variety of reasons, such as not knowing when you will see the other person again. Being in a relationship is about being with someone and spending time together and doing things together, but this rarely happens in a long distance relationship because you're so far apart. Your long distance relationship isn't good for you because it's making you feel anxious and insecure. None of that will do any good for your mental health and your happiness. You probably won't want to hear this (and it's just my personal opinion) but it would be better for you to end the long distance relationship and to find someone who lives in your local area to have a relationship with, someone who you can spend regular time together with and go on dates with etc.

[hylaaa in reply to tofler]

Thanks for your answer! By the way i think that my distant relationship could also work, if i were less needy and if i loved myself more. I am willing to find out how to deal with self esteem, or i fear all my possible future relationships will end in this painful way.

[Hidden in reply to hylaaa]

Can I ask? Is this the first guy you have had feelings for? I do think because as you say you’re not busy you are putting all your energy into worrying about this relationship. You have your whole life ahead of you and exciting times ahead. It’s such a shame that this one thing is sucking out all of your energy and causing you so much pain. Why do you think you are needy? Because someone told you so? Please don’t let this ruin your studies. You live in Italy and are young and I bet you have so much going for you.

[hylaaa in reply to Hidden]

Yes he is. He is the first person i am in love with. However i think i love him in a bad way cause I feel a lot of resentment for him since he is perfectly managing his life far away from me, while I often have breakdowns.

It must be neediness because i constantly feel that i need to talk to him, and tell him my problems and whatever happens to me. Then i want to know his things, but he is not a great fan of details, so he always talk much less than me. This behaviour makes me always feel down and i want to be conforted by him anyway.

I am very fearful of losing him, I have this terror that he can find better girls anywhere and that i will be abandoned. How do I learn detachment?

[tofler in reply to hylaaa]

Sorry to be so blunt but this really doesn't sound like a healthy relationship. An unhealthy relationship will gradually destroy your self esteem and your mental health until you no longer recognise the person that you've become. I've been down that road myself and it's a truly miserable place to be.

[Hidden]

You won’t want to hear this but you have to put your health and sanity first. This so called relationship is making you poorly. I think you are obsessed with this guy because he is your first love. You say you love him in a bad way. What does this even mean? If you need to talk to people about your problems can you talk to close friends or family? Maybe this guy is overwhelmed and not sure how to fully support you. I do think you need to let him go and concentrate on the here and now. First loves are a learning curve and believe me when I say you will eventually meet someone more suited to you that is willing to love you for who you are and will make you feel joy and not the feelings you are experiencing now. I had a relationship with someone who made me feel insecure I became obsessed because he didn’t answer my texts. I was strong enough to finish the relationship for my own sanity. A relationship should make you feel happy and secure. I hope you can be strong too.

[Hidden]

I've been in a long distant relationship for five years now since we met..im in Australia they are in Europe..even though we are not physically together there's not a Day that goes by without talking to each other..The love is definately there..I have no jealousy though and am not insecure..but I also have breakdowns cause I miss them so much as I crave to be hugged, caressed, and being next to the person I love..I think for you it may be a different story though..you may feel to settle down so how are you going to do this?..I can also tell you alot which you may not like to hear..but let me leave you with this..if it's meant to be, love will find its way..

Are you still on here..I would like to know your current situation..