Self Esteem: I might as well begin here... - Anxiety and Depre...

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Self Esteem

AllisonO profile image
AllisonO

I might as well begin here, one of my biggest problems I find myself dealing with is my low self esteem. I was an overweight child, and it was inevitable through all the bullying in school that I turned to bulimia and various miracle drugs to lose the weight. At the time, I had felt once I was thin people would like me and I would finally be happy.

However, years later I have lost the weight, recovered from bulimia, have a roof over my head, a job, and can proudly say I am 2 years and 2 months clean from narcotics. But left in the holes where my old habits lay, are an over abundance of anxiety and depression weighing me down. I am nowhere near fat, (although I may not always see it that way) and my boyfriend calls me beautiful. So why is it that when I think of myself, I don't think that way? I think of things like disgusting, repulsive, useless, fat, worthless, ugly, etc.

Day in, and day out I live and survive. I work, I eat, I sleep, I pay my bills. But I find myself asking why? The constant anxiety, the feeling of waking up to my own inevitable doom....is, well, exhausting. I feel selfish, and childish for not loving my life for I am so blessed. In my profession, I see the purest of smiles on the faces of those who have all the reasons in the world to not be smiling, but here they are. Grinning, laughing, glowing. Horribly enough, sometimes this makes me loathe myself even more.

5 Replies

I️ know exactly how you feel. I️ have a good job, I’m successful and I️ have a wife that loves me unconditionally. I️ know people who would love to trade places with me and yet I️ feel all of this anxiety and constant worry. I️ see people who have it much worse and they are still happy, I️ feel so guilty for feeling like this. But one thing I’ve learned over the years of dealing with this is we don’t choose to have these feelings for most of us it is a chemical imbalance in the brain. For whatever reasons you have for feeling the way you feel just know that it is normal and it can be made better.

AllisonO profile image
AllisonO in reply to ckw1

Thank you very much for your kind words of encouragement they really do help and mean a lot. I hope your feelings of anxiety and constant worry soon fade away and you can be free of the weight on your shoulders as well. I really appreciate your response, thank you again

ckw1 profile image
ckw1 in reply to AllisonO

You’re very welcome. Best of luck to you.

Yep I'm the same..i hear exactly what your saying..I also have no reasons to be like this..My friends tell me I have everything on a silver platter..yet my illness eats away at me day and night..I have the answer, it's my illness..dealing with it is the issue as I'm wasting my life away yet others more unfortunate are living with a smile..I don't get it..I hope you get better..

AllisonO profile image
AllisonO in reply to ellinaki

Thank you for your response, I hope you get better too. Isn't it the worst? I guess having everything as they say "on a silver platter" isn't always going to make you happy, it is true it must be found within yourself. I appreciate your response, thank you so much again.

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