I might as well begin here, one of my biggest problems I find myself dealing with is my low self esteem. I was an overweight child, and it was inevitable through all the bullying in school that I turned to bulimia and various miracle drugs to lose the weight. At the time, I had felt once I was thin people would like me and I would finally be happy.
However, years later I have lost the weight, recovered from bulimia, have a roof over my head, a job, and can proudly say I am 2 years and 2 months clean from narcotics. But left in the holes where my old habits lay, are an over abundance of anxiety and depression weighing me down. I am nowhere near fat, (although I may not always see it that way) and my boyfriend calls me beautiful. So why is it that when I think of myself, I don't think that way? I think of things like disgusting, repulsive, useless, fat, worthless, ugly, etc.
Day in, and day out I live and survive. I work, I eat, I sleep, I pay my bills. But I find myself asking why? The constant anxiety, the feeling of waking up to my own inevitable doom....is, well, exhausting. I feel selfish, and childish for not loving my life for I am so blessed. In my profession, I see the purest of smiles on the faces of those who have all the reasons in the world to not be smiling, but here they are. Grinning, laughing, glowing. Horribly enough, sometimes this makes me loathe myself even more.