Sadness

[AZ1970]

This morning I am feeling sad. I have a wonderful husband who has been by my side through ups and downs. He married me despite having an autistic daughter with extreme behavioral problems. I think because he was able to be strong, I finally broke down a year and a half ago. I have been hospitalized 3 times. It has been hard on him.

He has been out of work for 7 months. He finally got a job and has been there 3 weeks. This is good for him as men need to feel like they are the providers for their family. This past week he has been making sideways comments and some direct comments to me that are not very kind. Last night we were discussing something and he went off about my moods and how he can't handle me falling apart. This morning he got upset with me about asking if we still needed to discuss our budget.

I realized, as he did as well, last night that he has trauma due to all of the ups and downs of my mental illness. My heart hurts for this, because I never wanted to cause him distress. I recognize that it happens when you are married. We impact each other. He had a traumatic and abusive childhood. He goes into fight mode when his trauma is triggered. I tend to freeze or flee.

I stood up for myself this morning and called him out on what he was doing. He apologized. But I am having a hard time shaking off the things he has said. I feel hurt. He seems to expect an apology to make it go away.

To top it off, he is a therapist so he sometimes uses his knowledge to tell me what I need to be doing. And other times he is totally supportive and helpful. I love him, and he loves me. But marriage is not always easy.

Thanks everyone for listening.

[gerg]

I like to keep it simple so I go to “do the next right thing”. When anything happens it is a simple rule.

The next right thing always involves taking responsibility for yourself. You may not have to apologize for things that you said, it may be an apology for how you handled the situation. That is just one example that I have found to apply to a lot of things in my life.

Be 100% honest with yourself and figure out what the next right thing is, then do it. Then you just do the next right thing. It makes life so much easier. I have found humility to be a blessing. By me liking me more, a lot of my problems disappear.

[AZ1970 in reply to gerg]

Thank you Gerg. I have always loved that saying, and use it often. I did some guided meditation today and also took a nap. It helped.

[Hidden]

Hi there, I can relate a lot to your post. I had a career, and managed to work for years even with a few episodes of anxiety and depression, but last year I had a major breakdown and could no longer work. I tried going back to work after a few months and that job was a disaster and I quit after 4 months. I went from earning a sizable paycheck to disability and now unemployment. My husband has had to watch me deteriorate and it has been very hard on him. At one point he referred to me as a liability. My self esteem has been in ruins for a year, but I have been working on myself consistently. Therapy, journaling, reading, my faith life have been my focus for a year straight. I started school again in May, it’s a vocational school to be a drug and alcohol counselor. I am slowly repairing my life. Sometimes my husband is very supportive but other times he is clearly upset and says things that really hurt. Marriage is hard and he and I both have issues to work on and we see a therapist together. As I work on myself I gain more understanding and self esteem, I challenge myself to do something each day to improve. It’s like physical rehabilitation.

[AZ1970 in reply to Hidden]

We ARE very similar. I tried going back to work as well and it was horrible. I commend you for going back to school. I have been working on my master's degree in counseling. I need to make a decision in the next whether or not to continue. I had to take a leave of absence because the content in my human sexuality course was too triggering.

My hubby is working on himself and is getting better. I am speaking up for myself more, which is causing conflict. But it is creating change in both of us. Recovery is one step at a time. Thank you for sharing with me. It really helped.

[Hidden in reply to AZ1970]

One day at a time ❤️

[eaer]

Certainly words hurt and having a loving discussion about how much it bothers you is very important.

You cannot help being sick, for sure. It sounds like you both have been under a ton of stress. I hope you can both be more compassionate with yourselves and each other in order to maintain a healthy marriage.

It is not easy. I am sorry that you are having such difficulties.

All the best.

[AZ1970]

Thank you for your kind words.

[TheGirlfriend]

Wow. I just joined this onlinee community and came across your 4 month old post. I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I feelthsts my situation too. My bf doesn't really have s job. His housekeeping business went down the drain, then he got sued and it cost him $11k (including lawyer fees), then got a DUI and cost him $12k (including lawyer fees). He's making payments. I help him with the lawsuit payment. I've been paying his $200 monthly bill for the last 6 months. The DUI bill his 'friend' Amanda paid for....he is paying her. It's her excuse to keep him coming around. He swore they were just friends but I knew she wanted more. What friend pays the bill without even telling him? She just paid off his lawyer without him knowing. It bothered me so much. I'm at the point where I dont care anymore. I really want him to leave me. I dobt want to be the quitter, but in reality I guess I am. I know his lack of work is stressful. He cleans houses to make money but it's hot enough. There's not much he can do. He has a conviction on his record, a DUI and is on probation for 2 years. He has been driving one of my cars for 2 years now. H

How do you handle your husband's mood swings and help him feel manly?

[AZ1970 in reply to TheGirlfriend]

Things are much better now between us. He has a job and has addressed his own depression. There wasn't anything I could do to make him feel better or manly. I think it is an illusion to believe we can do that for someone. Unless he feels that way about himself, you can't change it for him. It sounds like he is facing a consequence of his DUI and conviction. Hopefully he is learning through this experience, as we all have an opportunity to do when faced with difficulties. I know it is hard to face our mistakes. We all struggle with it. Please take care of yourself first and foremost.

[TheGirlfriend]

The DUI was all a misunderstanding. He had a glass of wine 3 her before getting g pulled over. He couldn't sleep and took his car our for a test drive because it had been in the shop for 6 months getting a rebuilt engine. The cop thought he looked suspicious driving yo and Dion the street at 1am. He is so honest he said 'yes, I had one glass 3 hours ago!' That convicted him he even took it to trial. That's why he owes so much in lawyer fees. He's a mess. His complaint about ne is that 'Imnot nice!' OMG...I'm running out of the little patience I ever had. My guilty conscious says I cant leave him because what if this had happened and we were married? I would ha e to stay by his side for better or worse.im so emotionally confused.