This morning I am feeling sad. I have a wonderful husband who has been by my side through ups and downs. He married me despite having an autistic daughter with extreme behavioral problems. I think because he was able to be strong, I finally broke down a year and a half ago. I have been hospitalized 3 times. It has been hard on him.
He has been out of work for 7 months. He finally got a job and has been there 3 weeks. This is good for him as men need to feel like they are the providers for their family. This past week he has been making sideways comments and some direct comments to me that are not very kind. Last night we were discussing something and he went off about my moods and how he can't handle me falling apart. This morning he got upset with me about asking if we still needed to discuss our budget.
I realized, as he did as well, last night that he has trauma due to all of the ups and downs of my mental illness. My heart hurts for this, because I never wanted to cause him distress. I recognize that it happens when you are married. We impact each other. He had a traumatic and abusive childhood. He goes into fight mode when his trauma is triggered. I tend to freeze or flee.
I stood up for myself this morning and called him out on what he was doing. He apologized. But I am having a hard time shaking off the things he has said. I feel hurt. He seems to expect an apology to make it go away.
To top it off, he is a therapist so he sometimes uses his knowledge to tell me what I need to be doing. And other times he is totally supportive and helpful. I love him, and he loves me. But marriage is not always easy.
Thanks everyone for listening.