Need to vent...

I'm getting so fed up with my husband! We had an argument yesterday, over him lying about smoking cigarettes and a few other things... He continues to lie to me, even though ive called him out on his lies! Its ridiculous. Like, he needs to fess up to his wrong doings, instead of getting angry with me and calling me nasty names. If I could leave him, I would, but I'm stuck with this guy. Ugh. If this anxiety and depression weren't so bad, I'd be able to take care of myself, I'd be independent. But unfortunately, my anxiety has gotten even worse lately... I can't do anything without my husband's help. I dont have anyone else either. Im stuck.

[Hidden]

Hi i bet your anxiety would get a lot better if this man was out of your life! It sounds like he is causing most of it then helping you with the after effects? Is that right or have I got it totally wrong? You need to get away from him as this doesn't sound like a healthy relationship. x

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

He definitely doesn't help my anxiety/depression. Him and I have strengthened our marriage in the past couple of years, our relationship isn't all that bad, but I'm not really happy. His little lies aggravate the heck out of me though. I just want to get better, get to know myself... I shouldn't have gotten married.

[Aspergirl47 in reply to Hidden]

Hey Elliot, Its a vicious circle, I know my partner is making my anxiety worse, I spoke to a councillor and she said because I had anxiety/depression when I met him and never got the chance to get help for myself then its gotten worse due to being in a relationship with someone who is always arguing about the smallest things(which he does) and it just goes around, I know the frustration u must feel...I think we would definitely improve if we weren't stuck...Ive tried to work on my own stuff but it falls apart when all the arguing starts and I end up crying for days....Hope u ok

[Hidden in reply to Aspergirl47]

That's exactly how it is for me. I had anxiety and depression before I married him, now its even worse. Its hard being in a relationship, especially when anxiety and depression come in. Im going to keep trying to get better, then hopefully I'll be able to work and get everything else together, if I'm still this unhappy with him... I'll leave. We'll see. What keeps you to your husband? Why don't you divorce him? I'm guessing its not so easy, right? People always assume and act as if its so easy, its totally not. We can get through this! We have to keep pushing ourselves until we're happy its doable!

[chrisg43 in reply to Hidden]

i had the same situation. i know exactly what your dealing with. its hard you need them and honestly even though thier not helping you love them. i went for many many years until one day i got up the courage to tell him that he wasnt helping me but making every thing worse. i couldnt keep it in anymore. i told him i was tired of crying and feeling like it was all my fault. marraige is a partnership both sides have to commit to get it to work. i made it clear to my husband that i was never going to get better with things the way they were. it took awhile but things got better. he quit drinking, started therapy for himself and he took up a new hobby geocaching which required me and the kids to come along. it was great, but it didnt happen overnight. what im trying to say is things will work out in the end. dont give up. tell him how you feel lay it all out there. you will feel better. its easier said than done i know. good luck to you.

[Hidden in reply to chrisg43]

That's great that you were able to talk to your husband, I'm glad he made changes to better himself. Im not in love with my husband, I care for him a great deal and have love for him, but its not that same love I used to have. Until I'm able to take care of myself, I dont think I'll ever be able to leave him. I dont work or drive because of my anxiety and depression, so it's a tough situation. My husband and I are like best friends, which I'm kind of greatful for but at the same time, its not what I want anymore. Thank you for your response!

[chrisg43 in reply to Hidden]

i too dont work or drive. so i know how difficult it is. i feel so dependent on my husband. it makes ones depression worse. i see what your saying about your husband. you still love him but arent in love with him. you need him and i bet he needs you too.

[Aspergirl47 in reply to Hidden]

Yeah Elliot we at least have to try to see if things get better for us..I will be totally honest Fear, that horrible emotion, is what stops me from leaving, I think after years with him I am brainwashed into thinking I wont do well on my own, maybe its due to my Aspergers I feel weak and yet all the arguing makes my Autism symptoms worse until I think I'm going crazy...My son hates him and that makes me feel so bad...The stress is causing more anxiety for u, first we have anxiety then we meet someone and that can come with stress, and then that's raising our anxiety levels and eventually we get tired out with it all, hence depression and the cycle continues.Do u have children? All we can do is try to keep as healthy as we can, not easy I know, and keep fighting this damn anxiety, we can do it, we must be strong in some way if we have put up with all this...

[Hidden in reply to Aspergirl47]

Haha yes, we must have some strength! fear is most definitely a main factor for me also, fear has a lot to do with the anxiety. Honestly, I think in time things will be ok for us both, we just need to get stronger push our fears aside, work on all the things that are holding us back. I have 2 kids, 4 and 8. Its scary having kids, for me its very trying, I love my kids! But my anxiety/depression get in the way.

[Aspergirl47 in reply to Hidden]

Yeah having kids can be a blessing but its still really tough, especially when not feeling well enough to cope...Do u manage to get out for walks with them? I couldn't at all when my son was really young, it made me feel so bad as a mum, but we cant help being anxious at the end of the day.... I plucked up the courage to go out today for a bit but my Autism also causes more problems with sensory issues, I managed to calm down enough to go into the shop but when I got in the music wa loud and the lights really bright and I felt like I was going to fall over...Why cant life be easy for us? Ive tried reading books like Feel the fear and do it anyway!!!!!! Ha, yeah right, make it sound so easy lol Hope u are keeping strong Elliot, we have to beat this

[Hidden in reply to Aspergirl47]

My 8 year old lives with my mom, my problemproblems are so overwhelming that I can't take care of both of them right now, unfortunately. My 8 year old has autism, sensory problems to, so my mom (being the good grandma) takes care of her, makes sure she gets the attention she deserves. I also have problems sound, I literally get dizzy when its to loud, it's weird. I do get my 3 year old out, I take her places... But its extremely hard for me.

[Aspergirl47 in reply to Hidden]

Hi, Youre doing the best u can I need to stop myself, like today and tell myself I'm human!!! and so are u Not easy having a child with Autism either,lot of people don't understand...Good Grandmas helping out, I needed the help so badly,if my mum hadn't helped me I honestly think my son would have been removed from me...I couldn't take him to pre school like the other mums, that added to my depression....try not to be to hard on yourself, youre like me, youre dealing with a helluva lot,youre managing to take youre 3year old out no matter what youre suffering, that takes courage..Iknow, I used to be literally shaking all over and feeling so paranoid about everyone staring at me( or so I thought) due to my social anxiety/bdd...when I would try and take my son to the park, then come home and cry for hours..Can u manage to go on buses etc? I know u were saying u cant drive, even though I can drive, my car sits outside most days and I'm too anxious to drive it Ha

[Hidden]

Thats not helpful. You dont know my situation. But, I can understand where you're coming from.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Have taken it off as it's not helpful. Sorry. x

[Justswimming]

Sounds like your husband may want to leave you if he has to take care of you totally and your an adult that's a shitty marriage for him. You cant control what another adult does and your going to nag him for it perfect way to drive someone away. Be an adult and take responsibility for yourself and help yourself get better by working on your anxiety and depression.....stop the madness . ..I don't know why he would stay with you clearly he's the one who is stuck and resents you for basically not taking care of yourself

[Hidden in reply to Justswimming]

Wow.

[Hidden in reply to Justswimming]

You're an ass. Seriously. You have absolutely no clue what my situation is. You're calling me nag? You don't know why he would stay with me? How fucking dare you. No need to respond asshole!

[Hidden in reply to Justswimming]

I'm sorry for my rude comment, I shouldn't have used curse words, but what you said bothered me. Still, I shouldn't be rude, 2 wrongs dont make a right.

[Windy101]

If he's calling you names, that's emotional abuse. Not good for anyone's mental health!

There's always a way out. I urge you to call your local women's shelter and find out what options are out there. Some of them have a lot of services for women that aren't just emergency shelters but connections to jobs, apartments, etc.

You deserve a man who will treat you with the respect and cherish you for who you are. But first, you need to get out of there so you can start cherishing yourself. I know. I did it. I won't pretend it's easy. But after seven years out of that disasterous situation, I can't imagine ever living that way again.

Good luck to you, precious lady, as you find you way through this. You don't have to believe anything now except that you don't have to put up with being treated badly. Sending you warm wishes for love and better times ahead.

[Hidden in reply to Windy101]

Thank you so much for your words! I appreciate it greatly I'm going to figure somethin out, that's for sure. I need to get my priorities in check.

[Windy101 in reply to Hidden]

Have you tried writing your priorities down? Sometimes seeing them staring in your face can be pretty powerful.

[Hidden in reply to Windy101]

Yes. I have a journal. I write down my emotions, thoughts, goals, ect. Its helps.

[brwniegirl]

I'm so sorry that you have a husband like that. I do understand. My husband smokes too and I have asked him to stop but all he does is ignore me. I have psoriasis and he constantly looks at me with disgust and calls me names like psoriasis or leopard. You are better than he will ever realize. I want to be your friend and know that I am here for you to vent or just even for someone to talk to.

[Hidden in reply to brwniegirl]

Aw, I'm really sorry you're husband is a jerk like that, he shouldn't call you that. Same goes for me, I'm here if you wanna talk!

[brwniegirl in reply to Hidden]

Thanks. I really appreciate that.

[Hidden]

Well, I think that person was trying to get a rise out of me... And that's what happened. I'm so tired of people leaving rude and unhelpful comments. I mean, what's the point of being on this site then? I come here to vent and chit chat, to get helpful and useful responses. That person doesn't know me or my life, I shouldn't be made to feel like crap because I have anxiety and depression. I'm trying to help myself! I'm trying very hard. I have a reason to be pissy about that comment. I'm not mad at you or anything, just felt I had to clear that up.

[Hidden]

I honestly dont think I'll be on this site for to much longer. That persons comment set off a panic attack. I just can't handle things like this, which is why I have anxiety. People being jerks really gets to me. Thank you for being cool though, I appreciate it. I'm going to have a cup of tea and try I chill out!

[LovingLife7 in reply to Hidden]

I understand how you feel. I'm new to this site. And I'm so afraid to make my own post, start a conversationbecause of someone possibly making a rude comment. It would upset me and make me feel worse about myself. As you said, we come to this site for encouragement. Not to be put down.

[Hidden in reply to LovingLife7]

Thank you understanding! It happens sometimes, people leave the most rude and unnecessary comments. It triggers my social anxiety, makes me not want to talk. But dont worry! Feel free to talk about yourself and what you're going through, there are people on here who genuinely care

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

* thank you for understanding

[LovingLife7 in reply to Hidden]

I do want to give this site a try. It's nice to talk to people who understand what you are going through. Thank you.

[Hidden in reply to LovingLife7]

Definitely And no problem

[LovingLife7 in reply to Hidden]

Also, I hope the situation with your husband improves. Good luck.

[Hidden in reply to LovingLife7]

Thank you so much

[Hidden]

No no, to the other person.

[Justswimming]

I'm sorry I upset you but you have to prepare yourself for scenario because it sounds like you are both unhappy. Sorry if you had panic attack.

[Hidden in reply to Justswimming]

Its no problem. Honestly the relationship isn't all bad, we rarely argue, but when we do... Its no good. Him and I are on a different levels I guess, we're more like buddies then husband and wife. But yeah, I'm sure one of us will call it quits in the future, I see that happening.

[redbridges7diana]

It sounds like smoking is a coping mechanism for him,,, it is normal for couples to argue somewhat, depression makes it hard for you to deal with things regardless of what is going on...I hope maybe you and your husband can call a truce and start a date night, something you both could look forward to once a week...

[Hidden in reply to redbridges7diana]

Date night is a great idea, that's something I need to push for. Thank ya!