Need to vent

[Srm27]

I'm new to this site and not sure how it works, but i guess ill vent for a second. im not the type to talk to anyone about this. I'm surprised to find myself here actually. I use to be suicidal and self harm and i had a few attempts and spent some time in a psychiatric hospital when i was young. I got through it. Now 10 years later, self harming again. Having thoughts of suicide every single day. Its to the point i want to do it so bad but my mom is the only thing stopping me. Its hard... because i just want to go. I'm done with this life. But I'm trying to be strong for her. And for the very few people who actually care. At my age self harming seems so silly. Because i use to do it in highschool and i grew out of it and thought how young and dumb i was. But here i am. Doing it again. I guess its the need to feel something. I'm all cried out. There are no tears, no smiles. No nothing. I feel nothing. And harming myself lets me feel something. Even if its pain i need... something... idk..

I normally write in my journal or read a good book to help me cope. But latley it just isn't working. I'm trying to be strong..

[Iloveart7]

I'm srr you are struggling so much. You are not alone. (((Hugs)))

[viiexplorer]

Hang in there.

[tamka38]

Am so sorry you’re struggling,can u talk to the the other few in your life? So u want have to alert your mom right now. You’re never alone in this battle it shows you’re a very amazing person to had Fort so long am proud of u for coming here to express how u feeling let me know is a part of u that want to continue to fight you’re just tired it seems like u been doing a little better back then what u did than that u

Not doing right now are u taking meds? Do u talk to a therapist? Besides writing and journaling, what else have u tried that really help u? Nature is always a good thing if u can just out for a couple minutes whatever u feel comfortable doing. Is not your fault that u struggling, you’re still talking baby steps and that’s fine u don’t have to rush I believe u will get there again with age we seen to grow out of a lot things and we still as adults have to figure out what works for us and the process don’t bet yourself up please you’re very special is just our minds plays tricks with us and we feed it with practice u can reverse it am here for u and sending u a hug 🤗

[Srm27 in reply to tamka38]

Thank you for your kind words,

To answer your question do i talk to the select few who care.

I really only have one person who has and is continuing to help me. We help each other. He is feeling the same as i am so we sort of balance eachother out which helps most days. The others care, they just dont understand. They have never been through depression on this level so its difficult to relate to someone who has. No im not taking meds, i use to back in the day but i never liked how they made me feel. I had tried many of them and they seemed to make it worse for me. Ive been looking into a therapist but they are a little out of my budget. Im 25 years old living paycheck to paycheck so im trying my best to keep my bills paid and keep my kitchen with just enough food to last me untill next check. It gets stressful. I try and pray. Nothing seems to be getting better but im trying to stay hopeful. Im unhappy in my marriage. And he doesnt understand how I am feeling either. He tells me to get over it that we all have problems. I moved 2 hours out of the city to help fix my marriage and gain a relationship with my father and that completely back fired in my face so im trying my absolute best but it just doesnt seem like its ever enough. Ive held alot in and pushed issues aside the past 8 years and just recently its all become over bearing and im not sure how to handle it.

[tamka38 in reply to Srm27]

I don’t know where if stay, but am sure if u really needed to see a therapist is a way that u could see one without paying a lot there is mental health services everywhere even if u go to the emergency room they should be able to direct u in the right Direction and Criss hotlines can help u

Find someone in your area is very helpful to have someone who understands where u coming from to be able to help u now far as your husband goes u must don’t know anything about depression or and anxiety is not a disease that u can just get over it maybe u could print some information about depression and anxiety off the internet to see would it be helpful and if u unhappy in your marriage is time for u and your husband to have a serious talk because u shouldn’t be there if u unhappy in since u already dealing with anxiety and depression you definitely don’t need any more stress having both of them diseases is stressful and frustrating enough am wishing u the best of luck and please keep fighting u deserve to be happy what u like to do for fun? What makes u happy? Name 5 things u grateful for, and make a Pledge everyday it can be some as saying am going to say I love myself throughout the

Day I believe in you and I know God want give u to much that u can’t handle and he loves u is just when we depressed is hard to see any good things but u doing a lot of good things for yourself be proud and give yourself the credit you deserve you’re beautiful inside and outside don’t matter what your brain says it not true it take practice but u will get there again once u remove all the negative people out your life anything that don’t mean u no good don’t need to be in your life God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.

Good luck Sunshine ☀️

[clayjars in reply to Srm27]

It sounds like you are going through a lot of different challenges, but not really addressing them. It could be scary and overwhelming, so most of us try to suppress them which usually backfires and they come back with vengeance and anxiety and depression. One of the reasons therapists help is that it gives us a safe place where we can let the beast out and we can examine it in the light. What strikes terror in our hearts may just be a shadow cast by a mere mouse. But the problem is that the fear is real. You don't have to see a professional, but if you are dealing with self-harm or suicide, you should seriously consider seeing one. Maybe you can seek out pastoral counseling at a local church, or perhaps reach out to online help like this one bit.ly/1AvXfHT. And of course, we are here for you if you want to talk about what is weighing down your spirit. Sending you hugs~

[Hidden]

I dont know what it is you are going through but I am so sorry you feel this way. Sometimes when life gets rough we see it as things will never get better...but it will. Dont hurt yourself, nothing is worth that. I hope that things turn around for you. If you need to talk, im here💓

[jehulost]

I too struggle with depression and anxiety. I started reading this book called The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown. It has really been a great I opener.

[Hidden]

I’m sorry you’re struggling, it’s an absolutely terrible feeling and although we’re all here for you, you may be physically alone and well that totally sucks. I don’t reach out to what friends I have left, I feel like a burden...I hope they’ll reach out to me. Some do, some don’t.

I’m not much help there, but I was on Facebook yesterday and I saw something really cool, that might help you. This girl was constantly self harming and someone told her to use a marker instead of a blade or whatever it is you use; so she tried it. She said it had to be a water soluble marker and wherever she used to self harm, she’d use the marker instead. She ended up with this beautiful henna like creation on her body - it was gorgeous and she liked it because she could see it, she could see the pain and now the beauty. She washed it off when she wanted to and then started fresh again.

I guess it was her way of needing to see the pain, but she ended up creating herself as something of worth.

It’s worth a shot, I mean, even if it keeps your hands busy. Let me know and baby steps, it does get easier but one day at a time ♥️

[tamka38]

Just for today I will try to live through this day only, and not tackle all my problems at once. I can do something for twelve hours that would appall me if I felt that I had to keep it up for a lifetime. Just for today I will be happy. This assumes to be true Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be.”They are Just for One Day. Think of them not as a life task but as a day’s work.

These things will give you pleasure. Yet they require will power. You don’t need resolutions to do what is easy.

[Hollstein]

I feel you. Same here.. I don't have much to say, cause I'm kinda struggling too, but you're not alone.

[pink83737]

Have you tried mindfulness or the app calm harm? Very helpful app! I would recommend looking into those things you are so strong! Hang in there, you are definitely not alone in any of this. We’re here for you. Always here to talk if needed

[hypercat54]

Hi there isn't a 'type' who talks to others or who doesn't, only people desperate enough to seek help. You need to go to your doctor and get some help. x