I need help giving help...: I'm a... - Anxiety and Depre...

Anxiety and Depression Support

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I need help giving help...

Weasee profile image

I'm a little stuck right now. My partner is currently suffering from severe depression due to money worries, loss of job on top of his daily dealings with his anxiety.

I'm struggling to break him out of his rut. I'm trying to be supportive, reassuring him that everything will be okay and that I'm by his side throughout this. He told me that sometimes, his mind wanders to suicide - even though that he never wants that.

The only thing is, I understand that he can only be the one to break him out of this. I think he is waiting for a "knight in shining armour" to come to his rescue, and doesn't realise that he himself needs to be that knight in shining armour. I suggest things that will help (exercising for example, seeing the doctor about changing his medication, counsellor) but he won't do anything.

How do I support him further? How can I break him out of this?

I try to put myself in that situation but I'm finding it difficult as I've never been in it.

22 Replies

I'm not a professional so I don't have an answer but I will admit i was in a situation where I was your partner and my partner could not help me. I needed to want to help myself. My partner did have to let me go. And I lost a lot. But it got me to seek help. Every situation differs. I know I can't cure loved ones, but I can guide them and give them love. But we can't lose ourselves in the process. I need to keep that in mind because I'm quick to lose myself trying to help a loved one who may not see their value yet. I wish you luck. Keep sharing and I'm here if you need to chat. Wish I had more suggestions. I can only share from experience.

Weasee profile image
Weasee in reply to Caseopia

Thank you very much - i'm sorry you lost a lot but I hope you managed to find the help you needed! Thank you I appreciate it, and you too.

Caseopia profile image
Caseopia in reply to Weasee

I did get the help I needed and loved ones are in my life today. Thank you. Guess I'm a tad stubborn and had to learn things a hard way. I remain grateful tho and best friends with my ex partner. Keep loving. It helps.

I relate to this but from the opposite side of the coin, my husband didn’t know how to help me either.

You are doing exactly what you can. Encouraging exercise, getting his meds checked, seeing a counselor/therapist. Beyond that, you just being there, not abandoning him in this difficult time is so important. You do have enough experience with how to love and be supportive as you are doing it. You aren’t expected to be experience in depression and anxiety to be supportive.

Keep making little nudges to get him up and moving around, out of the house to walk, see his doctors, etc.

I learned over time while my husband could not empathize, he was doing everything he could to help and truly just being there and not giving up on me meant so much. 🌺💜

Weasee profile image
Weasee in reply to

Thank you this has helped, i'll keep with the little nudges if they help, hopefully he takes the nudge sooner rather than later for his own sake. I hope you managed to find your happy place too :)

in reply to Weasee

Practice self care for yourself too. You might need your own encouragement so please feel free to use this site for that. When you stay strong you’ll be strong for your partner.

I’m in a much better place thanks for mentioning that, this goes to show that situations and certain circumstances are temporary. Maybe keep encouraging him this too is temporary and things will get better and keep him hopeful. Wishing you the best. 🌺💜

Weasee profile image
Weasee in reply to

This post has definitely helped with my self care too - I wasn't sure I was doing the right things!

I'm definitely going to do my best to keep him hopeful, and i'm glad to hear that you are in a better place too <3

Hi Weasee,

My life is a close match to your partner.

I realize that you've already said this, but the best and greatest thing that helped me so far, with one of our Members help,

Is that you must Love and do things to Help yourself First, before anyone else can do that for you.

Please ask your friend to read this.

I thought I was Hopeless before reading this.

Write me about any even small tiny positive things in your partners life.

I just had a salad and a shower while working with HU!!

Sounds like nothing but due to major illnesses I actually never shower and have eaten salad only a few times in the 12 years since my home burned.

Encourage the tiniest little things.

It's not small to your friend.

I wish I had a friend like you.

I was just Attacked by someone I Trusted,

and after an appropriate response, look how well I am still doing even after that !!!

I did have some Big help from a friend, and admit I could not have done well without the immediate Caring help I received.

Catman22

Weasee profile image
Weasee in reply to Catman22

Good for you - you should be proud of those little things they all add up :)

Thank you for your reply i'll keep up the encouragement.

Hello!

First of all, it sounds like you are doing a wonderful job at helping him! You are a caring and loving spouse and that is awesome!!

Second of all, you are exactly right. Unless you have been in the situation he is in, it is not possible. This even goes for everybody in everyday situations. Nobody can possibly know what is going on inside somebody else's mind. Kudos to you for trying, though! Not everyone is willing to take the effort to do that, so you must be a very special person.

As far as how you can break him out of this, you can't. I know it hurts, but you can't. LIke you said, he needs to be the one to do this. As for waiting for his "knight in shining armor", I understand this. When in a rut we do want this and it's hard to realize that it's us who needs to be our own "knight in shining armor".

Just keep on doing what you're doing. Seeing another human being suffer is not ideal (especially when it's someone close to us,) but you can only do so much. My husband sees me suffer from depression, etc. and it hurts him, but to tell you the truth I am forever grateful to just have the amount of support that he gives me! After all, I think this is really all "we" (those with mental health issues) want.

You are doing really well. To have you come on here to seek help for him speaks volumes!!!

Weasee profile image
Weasee in reply to

Wow thank you so much. Sometimes it just helps to know you are on the right path!

I couldn't not try to understand - it's such a common and awful thing that everyone probably will experience.

I'll keep encouraging him to be that knight and hopefully he will be :)

Not going to lie, I typed it out and kept it on the page for a few minutes!! But i'm so glad I did :) (so I guess in some ways - I do understand!!)

in reply to Weasee

You are most welcome!😊

hi sorry to hear about your partner sounds like he really is stuck in his ways.your doing all the right things the ball really is in his court.suggest you going with him for therapy or just to the doc for moral support but you could take time out write a letter explaining how its effecting you and he might then wake up as to how its not just him suffering.

Weasee profile image
Weasee in reply to kenster1

Thank you - I will definitely suggest that. I've not suggested joining him for counselling, so that's definitely worth a try! Thank you :)

You're a little too young to remember this, but "Weesee" was the much loved mother on the famous Jeffersons TV comedy show.

Maybe I'll try to ride my bicycle just for the exercise. I've got to break the Habit of lying in bed all day. You reminded me some physical activity is important to lift your spirits!!

If I think I can ever be helpful to others, I've got to show I can help myself too. Only makes sense.

Write anytime,

Chris

Weasee profile image
Weasee in reply to Catman22

I've heard of the show - but I didn't know that :)

I'm glad I can be of help to you too. Maybe I should suggest we get some bikes and exercise together. It really is - I began running at the beginning of the year and luckily for me I don't really suffer with any anxiety or depression but it even helps me just to get my head focused some days. I couldn't recommend exercise enough!

Definitely keep helping yourself!

Catman22 profile image
Catman22 in reply to Weasee

Let's go riding. The few times I did I admit it takes my mind off everything.

I'm an hour South of LA. When can we bike !??

Would you believe I just talked to somebody who worked all day long to look great to her husband and after her 3 children complimented her looks, her "great" husband told her she doesn't look beautiful to him anymore.

What a guy.

Weasee #2, What is F'in Wrong with people - to say something like that ??? She said she cried herself to sleep.

I would have poured hot scalding water on his face in his sleep, then told him that he doesn't look beautiful to her anymore, Either!!!

When can we go bike riding ?!!

Somebody's got to shut me up.

Sorry for the strong wording.

I was just Attacked by an HU member and am still a little hot.

He is now blocked for life.

Chris

You are doing an amazing job helping him . My husband is in your shoes . My depression is pushing him away and he asks how he can help and I say I don’t know ... just continue supporting him as long as you can❤️ Trust me it means a lot .

Weasee profile image
Weasee in reply to Mommabearof3

This sounds incredibly familiar - I ask if there is anything I can do and he says the same. I don't think he knows himself. It's easy to push someone away but I really hope that you can find away to work through it together, and if you need someone to talk to i'm happy to chat too.

Thank you :)

The depression is difficult for him to deal with, but being consistently repeatedly Unkind is Not helpful. Even his children know better!! You're right - he might be in my "shoes" for now.

And Dr Phil says criticizing does not cause someone to do better. And you don't need to do better. He does.

It sounds like he has hope and can do better. Look at who he has for a wife!!!

Chris

Remind him he is not alone, millions are in the same boat as him.

Remind him he has a job and it's 8 hours a day: it's called finding a job.

Remind him that life is far more important than money.

Remind him nobody starves in this country.

Remind him that he will find a better job than the one he had before: that's always the way.

Remind him that every adversity brings with it the seed of a greater benefit.

Until that better job comes along, accept any job for the time being. All work is noble.

Remind him how damn lucky he is to have a loyal, caring and intelligent partner like you.

Tell him if he lost you he really would have something to worry about.*

*optional

Weasee profile image
Weasee in reply to Jeff1943

Thank you :) and you are right on every point. People like us start at the bottom and work up to the top :)

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