TRIGGER please don’t read if you feel you could be disturbed by reading about death.
The intense anxiety has been off and on and a little easier on me the last few days because the depression and anger and irritability are surfaceing. The anger scares me and wish I knew how to handle it and what it is from. I wonder if it is because there is an issue I need to address... while looking inward to try to find the reason, I think of the date that my brother passed away on is coming up. He killed himself. I saw him hanging. My brother. Gone. I have the image burning in my mind. I feel like something terrible is about to happen now. I wonder where he is, what he is doing. I think of God heaven hell... when I’m depressed I think I will go to hell; feel I may deserve it. I try to not feel guilt but it’s there. I feel like isolating but I don’t want to lead myself deeper into depression. I’m been keeping busy. Trying to get motivated to do a project with my kids and maybe read some or work on some sketches.
Trying to figure out all these back and forth emotions. Maybe it’s the bipolar mood swings. Maybe I am paying too close attention to my thinking and feelings. Maybe it’s due to a new supplement that I’m taking. I want to be happy, especially around my kiddos. They don’t deserve a grumpy mama! Trying my best here to get control over this but just so saddened. Right now my life seems so messy and wrong. Any prayers or good vibes sent I would looooove!