My daughter is moving to her first student flat on Sunday. She’s going into third year at university and is moving into a flat with her boyfriend. We are very close and I am really going to miss having her around every day.
She and my husband have had a rocky relationship over the years. Like me, she has a very dry sense of humour and can be sarcastic. My husband takes it from me, like a bit of banter, but he will not take it from my daughter. She is nearly 20 years old and he treats her like a 10 year old. If she is genuinely cheeky, I do admonish her. But, this last few months, she’s began to say to me that she doesn’t think he likes her and he isn’t going to miss her when she moves out. When I tell him this, he actually scoffs at it and claims it all to be emotional blackmail. His own damn pride and arrogance is more important to him than maintaining a good relationship with his grown-up daughter. His dad did and still does the same to him. I have sat with him for many hours over the years, sympathising with how it was for him...over and over. I tell him he can be a different father and not be like his dad. He agrees, but it’s like he is programmed to only be this way. When I challenge him, he denies it and claims that everyone is against him.
I’m exhausted. I’ve had a difficult week, trying very hard not to sink into depression and my usual anxiety about my big girl moving out. And now it is past midnight and I really want to go to my bed, but I can’t bear to be anywhere near him. I hate him. I really hate him. He knew how hard I’m taking my daughter moving out (though I must stress, I think she needs to spread her wings and this will be an exciting time in her life, so I would never stop her). But he deliberately started a petty argument with her tonight, upset her terribly and then refused to apologise to her. She had the bravery and decency to apologise for her part in the argument and he gave her some lame reply. She’s devastated and has gone to bed. He’s mooching about in our room and I’m stuck downstairs feeling like I want to pack a bag and run away.
I just needed to talk to someone. X
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Maybe a little time & separation will help. Sounds like they really care about each other but are a bit stubborn. Maybe this is an opportunity for you to help your family. I’m not saying it’s your responsibility but rather an opportunity. Tap in on your natural strength & resilience. Keep us updated .
Sadly, I think the damage is done. He’s had years to alter his behaviour and she is leaving convinced that her dad just doesn’t like her. I’ve told him this and he doesn’t seem to care. I think once she moves out, the only time I’ll see her, is if I am not with him.
I think I need some time away from my husband to be honest. I just have no means to do it. I’ve suggested a few times lately, that we have time apart. I’m not willing to leave the family home, because my younger daughter is in the process of applying to universities and needs to be in her own space. He just won’t accept we need time apart and will never leave, not even for one night to a hotel. He just refuses.
That's too bad usually father's and daughters have good relationships. Maybe he can't handle her being independent, once had control now he doesn't. It might be better for their relationship if she moves out? My ex-husband had a good relationship with our daughters when they we're little. Once they got older and started showing independence I noticed their relationships changed for the Worse. Give it time and don't pressure them. Maybe they'll come together on their own?
He definitely isn’t coping with her growing up, but this has been a problem for many years. I think there’s a personality clash to an extent, and, as you say, he’s struggling with her becoming independent. BUT. We have talked about this, over and over and over. His behaviour towards her worsened once she was about 15 and now she’s nearly 20. I have been sympathetic, talked it over with him so many times. But I have also warned him that he’ll lose her.
He’s a very arrogant man - he thinks he’s right all the time. It’s always been a problem. It’s looking like our other daughter will live on campus when (hopefully) she gets to uni next year. If things are still this bad by then, I think I’ll be leaving him.
That's too Bad, is he not a good husband to you? Their relationship is beyond you're Control. Maybe stop talking about it. My girls are now in their thirties, he's in his late 60's things are better. He's gotten mellow. How old is your husband?
He’s 45 and I’m 44. He’s a good husband, in that he works hard and provides for us. But he has never been patient or understanding about my anxiety disorder or my IBS. He’s got better at that in the last couple of years. But I can’t tell you how much it hurt me and I suppose I lost a lot of respect for him.
I’ve said my piece and if my daughter chooses to not keep in contact with her dad, there’s nothing more I can do. You’re right - I need to leave them to it. He’s made his bed, so he has to lie in it!
Yes, it's best to let them work it out, it's Their relationship. I left my kids to deal with him themselves. You can't force things. It could backfire? Sometimes when I would involve myself I would catch He'll from either side. You could seek counseling on how to deal with it?
Thankfully I’m seeing a psychologist just now. I have GAD, health anxiety and now I’m being told I have PTSD (from childhood - emotional neglect, long story!). I talk to her about this issue too. I’m so tired 😑
I'm glad, dealing with life can be exhausting and overwhelming sometimes, especially if you have the disorders that you and I are dealing with. I have a 35 year old daughter who has a learning disability who is sometimes difficult to deal with.
I think that you said what you needed to say. Gave him opportunities to do better. Sometimes we have to explain that our parent loves us very much but makes mistakes can be stubborn and does wrong even if we do the right thing. That’s their fault not a reflection on daughter. That doesn’t change his love is there. Part of growing up is seeing the pedestal of perfection we have our parents on isn’t real they’re human too. Maybe he has to learn to fix it himself. There’s an idea
He’s had many years so sort this behaviour out. I’ve also had the conversation with my daughter that parents make mistakes (let’s face it, there’s no training for this job!) and that we are human beings and get it wrong sometimes. However, my husband NEVER apologises. The way his work is, he talks about self-reflection all the time, yet he can’t employ that upon himself. It’s one rule for him and another for the rest of us.
My father was like that. The rest of us suffered anxiety he was mean and emotionally abusive & always right. He’s better gotten old and after cancer. Control issues. Sorry you’re married to that guess he’s into tough love. I wonder how he’d respond if she smiled and said I love you daddy. I think many men are flawed at emotional intelligence they get away with being alpha or aren’t at work and seek it outside of it.
Yes, he is emotionally a dumbass at times. Problem is, I’ve lived with this for so long, that I essentially don’t want to live with it anymore. The urge to run away is strong. I’m in a long recovery from a total breakdown (Aug 2017) - I nearly took my own life. I’m feeling increasingly drawn back to that place, but he doesn’t seem to care. Maybe I just have to do what’s right for me and end this marriage 😕
I’ve been through a lot too I know that place. If you can support yourself and think it’s the right thing then take take care of you divorce is messy & hard. Taking care of yourself to not get to that place is your job and nobody is worth more than you. I hired a psychologist to help me in my divorce I had been through a lot with my health prior and I needed support outside of my circle I never regretted that choice. I’ve suffered more from allowing others to hurt me when I had nothing to give. I’m trying very hard to do what’s best for me my first obligation is to myself and whatever anyone else thinks isn’t my issue. I was too kind and pushed too hard. Obviously you know that place. Remember your personal obligation to yourself and you will do better. Big hug and be strong for yourself
Pray for your daughter, your husband and inner peace. God will lead you in the right direction. Don't do anything hasty until you have talked with a counselor or neutral party. Ending a relationship is hard, find a marriage counselor if you think the marriage is worth it. I pray for you to never take your own life. How would your daughter feel. I have lost my mother[ Natral causes] but it's still painful. Praying for u.
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Need help/support/advice for healing relationships with adult children and dealing with the guilt of unintentional damage done to them by me
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How Should I Talk To Her?
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