I can't get past my "bad day"

[PLopez22]

There are a lot of things I worry about on a daily basis but I can usually get past them in a short amount of time. But recently, I can't get rid of this cloud above my head, the cloud being my breakup. I constantly blame myself for being so selfish in the relationship and how much I destroyed him from me constantly lashing out at him. I know I have an illness that he couldn't understand (and I didn't even know until year ago) but I keep thinking that he's a person, too, and that me my illness isn't an excuse to treat him like that. So, I constantly beat myself up for not being able to accommodate to him and be able to control myself. Now, my bad has stretched to almost 2 weeks and I don't know what to do. Please help.

[Hidden]

Hummm. I bet some people have told yu to just get over it, right?

If you are just asking some advice to help your guilt, maybe you could write a letter that is never going to be mailed, The letter to him explaining how you feel and would like to make amends ad apologize.....the letter may be so long it is going to be the size of a book. Then burn it.

If you are seeing a therapist about all this, it's definitely time for a counseling session.

My best to you

[PLopez22 in reply to Hidden]

I did see a counselor at my university (and loved him) but I graduated and now in the process of looking for a new one, and frankly, I'm scared to do it again. I have tried the letter, but I don't think I was able to say everything I wanted. We are on talking terms and that's where the problem lies. We see so differently, and I don't know how to explain to him what I can't control and what's really going on with me.

[Hidden in reply to PLopez22]

Look, you're a woman now. An educated woman. Welcome to our world of adults. Put on your big girl (woman's) clothes, get a new therapist, and keep writing that letter. You're in the big league now.

If you have finished your letter and burned it already, must have been a short letter! lol

Why do you think you need to explain anything to him in person? I think maybe you're trying to hang on to him in some way by doing that. It won't work, and will just make you feel worse. So don't bother him with something that won't even help you,(that's selfish) but may screw with his life. Close the door.

He's a man, he'll get over it. It takes two to have a relationship, and it takes two to break up. Don't ever use your challenges as an excuse to beat yourself up when somethings just don't work out, even if you were Princess Diana.

You're young, have a full life ahead that probably is going to have other loves and heartaches, but that's life.

I'm going to repeat, again, one of my favorite lines from a Paul Simon tune:

"...losing a love is like having a window in your heart,

Everyone sees you're blown apart.

Everybody sees the wind blow...."

We've all been there, done that. Let it go. Get on with your life and enjoy it, don't keep looking back.

[EmilyAnne9769]

I have the same retrospective thought at least once a week - it's that 'I was so horrible, why did he love me so much?' question that riddles me every time. Here's what I've concluded: everyone has their problems. Yes, you may have lashed out at him but I'm sure he did something (something you may not even remember) that he looks back at and regrets.

You're going to learn from your past relationships to make you better just as some guy is working on being a better person so that when the two of you meet you'll both be in the right place.

You need to love yourself for who you are, I'm sure you're a great person and he loved you for a reason, so SMILE. we'll all get through this!

[Kobojunkie]

Stop and forgive yourself for not being a perfect being while you were with him.

Forgive yourself for treating him the way you did. Forgive yourself that you were not in full control and didn't know what you know now.

Forgive yourself of all the guilt and agree to learn from your mistake so that you can be a better person next time someone comes along. Forgive yourself and let go of all the shame and hurt you feel, by accepting that the person you were was just that, the person you were then.

Guilt is one of the symptoms of depression that gets you. The other is shame.

[PLopez22 in reply to Kobojunkie]

Wow, thank you. I think I really needed to hear that.

[Kobojunkie in reply to PLopez22]

That is one thing to do as much as possible to keep depression at bay. Our own Shame, guilt and insecurities are the ghosts depression tend to haunt our minds with. Once you deal with them, depression( in the absence of a chemical imbalance) pretty much loses whatever control it once had.

[PLopez22 in reply to Kobojunkie]

All I can do right now is try. I can try to forgive myself for hurting a person I am truly in love with and care about so much, but it is difficult. It's a monster I'm still trying to learn how to fight. Today, I don't know if I found peace/sense of acceptance or if I fell into a deeper hole.

[Kobojunkie in reply to PLopez22]

Every time those negative thoughts creep back in, remind yourself that you have forgiven yourself for who you were, and so no longer to be punished for your past

I like to say it out loud so as to shut off the negatives trying to make themselves heard in my heard.

[PLopez22 in reply to Kobojunkie]

I guess the next step is to find that better version of me.

[pennymama]

This is more than one bad day. It always takes time to get over a relationship ending. Give yourself that time. You don't have to feel guilty for processing all those feelings. You are not alone. I'm so sorry that he never 'got' what was going on with your illness. I know first hand how isolating that can feel.

[PLopez22 in reply to pennymama]

But I understand that it's difficult for someone to truly understand what's going when they haven't experienced it themselves.