Today was what I qualify as a "bad day" for me mentally. I had trouble sleeping this morning (I work overnights, so I stay up all night and go to bed around 7 AM, even on my day's off), so it was 11 AM before I remember my eyes closing. I was dosed well on atenolol and hydroxyzine (beta blocker/antihistamine...for anxiety) but I just couldn't stop thinking of the issues for the day. Bills, the kids, adulting... I was afraid it was going to lead to dreams surrounding it all, but I slept.
I woke up around 8 PM extremely lethargic and woozy. I slept like a ton of bricks, but this is how I wake now: ready to go back to sleep again (regardless of work). I had taken a day off from work today as I'm awaiting a refill of Xanax. I'm nearly out and the idea of going to work without enough of it makes me, get this.... anxious! Totally annoying.
Regardless, my wife and kids woke me up and I was a bit of an ass (pardon my language, but it fits). I really can't remember it all because I was groggy. I have an almost newborn child, so my nine year-old goes way out of her way for attention into the realm of annoying. This is a new concept of parenting for me but I usually handle it well. Mentally, I just wasn't ready today. I was like a bear that just awoke from his annual coma and had waaaaaaaaay too many pokes. I don't know if it was from this morning's sleep as well, but I took a comment about me checking my phone (instead of paying attention to my family) extremely personal to the point I just blatantly lofted my phone off the bed. My wife growled frustration, I growled it back, then her...and then...it cleared the room. I sat in bed angry with myself. The emotions all over; sad, angry, self-pity, more anger for pitying myself, feeling sorry, and like a complete useless POS since I wasn't even going to work tonight. I felt like and maybe did fail as both a husband and father. I got mad at myself as my brain still really hadn't grasped the day to emerge if that makes any sense. I guess you could say I felt like I acted like an irrational animal.
They're all sleeping now and I never said I was sorry. I told my nine year-old good night in her bad and told her I loved her. I took a shower and sat down for 20 minutes letting the water just try to cleanse how awful I felt away. I'm now by myself for the night, watched a little television, and still waiting for the Xanax to magically appear at my pharmacy...or for tomorrow to come when I can refill it....so I can get back to a functional member of society. I decided to come here to get the story off my back. I still feel groggy, a bit upset, and just questioning what's wrong with me. I take so many downers for anxiety and panic that I really think it's making me fully depressed. I'm the kind of guy that would make a great tragic comedian. No, I have never and will never hurt myself, but think of Robin Williams or even Chris Farley. I'm the same way: I joke, laugh, and do my best to "play" or "act" life correctly but sometimes I have to hold everything inside. In the case of the actor/comedians I mentioned, it ate them to pieces.
I guess, overall, I just hate making my problems someone else's because I feel like I have or do consistently. I get tired of hearing that we've had this conversation a million times from my wife about a medication. I get tired of hearing someone just at wits end with me trying not to sound exactly like that when I call during a panic attack. I get tired of hearing, well, I guess we'll try this now (insert SSRI/SNRI here). I'm trying to be compassionate to myself. Love myself. Breathe. Relax. I just never wanted to be like my dad. He was okay, but he wasn't the greatest husband and I was terrified of him as a kid (we're cool now). He was a jerk because he was an alcoholic and thus hung over on a daily basis. I quit drinking a year ago to avoid that after becoming a "social drinker" in 2008 and an alcoholic by 2010...and now I'm hung over on, I suppose, some depressing medications that takes a bit to allow a functioning mind. And to think there's another new med at the pharmacy (Gabapentin) waiting for me to try. I feel like I'm this close to making the open cast for The Walking Dead with how zombified these meds have felt.
So, what a day...mostly sleeping...it's over now and all I can say is that I was a jerk. If I've learned anything in my journey, I'm going to type everything that made today bad and leave it right here. I'll try again tomorrow. This damn horse doesn't want me to ride him, but that's too bad. Whoa now there, Anxiety and Depression (sounds like a good winner at the Kentucky Derby..right?), I'm hopping back on. Life isn't easy for anyone, but I think for a lot of us suffering here, we have to go a little beyond because we're not just suffering, we're the worst critic of ourselves. We have to learn to give ourselves a break, like any normal rational person out there does. I'm hoping I've done that typing all of this. I can't say I feel incredibly better, but man, give yourself a break! If everyday were a winner, life would sure be boring. I hope everyone is doing well out there. And hey, if you're being hard on yourself, I absolutely want you to give yourself a break.
Aequitas aka Patrick