I'm just trying to calm myself down some. I didn't even get to where I could say what's been going on lately. He started telling me that my anxiety stems from something psychological and I had to say something. I've told him everyone in my family is being treated for anxiety. I'm aware that I've went through things that have made it much worse. Once he said he was going to put me back on...I can't remember the name... it's like benadryl, it didn't help at all, zero. After he said that I just started crying. I couldn't even turn my light on to have my appointment. I get anxiety to talk to doctors. For over a year now every assessment they do before my appointment shows I'm spending so much of my time depressed. Probably 9 out of 10 say I'm thinking about suicide. I asked him if he's telling me I'm justified in feeling so hopeless. I told him thank you for being my dr and have a nice day.It was so difficult to wait for that appointment. I've been coming to the support rooms multiple times a day. I've spent hours and hours on crisis lines. Each feels like an eternity. I'm trying to not think of how with a new dr I'll have to start over. I don't know.
Another post, I know. It went so bad ... - Anxiety and Depre...
Another post, I know. It went so bad with my psych.
When I read your first sentence "I'm trying to calm myself down some" I recognized an approach I have been using also. Trying means, I guess, that there is no guarantee that it will work like magic and soon. But it also means not giving up. I was trying Monday to be assertive in a situation where I didn't feel a person was listening. I had an idea from the past that the extremes I didn't want were: A. being too passive ( "wimpy") or B. being too aggressive. The person I was trying to communicate wouldn't accept a simple no, and didn't hear my basic message, so blew right past me and took control. I got extremely angry. And then later upset at myself for getting angry. But, I realized I was trying to be perfect and have a perfect result. Instead I "lost it". I had to ask the person to leave. I am calmer today, but more because of it being a new day and the situation was not permanent. Not because I found out the perfect way to handle it. In your case, I don't believe a person who isn't really listening well to you has any information about whether a person is suicidal. Even if we have a bad day and state we are not happy that day. If we didn't say we had a plan and we're determined to carry it out , that person can't know your thoughts and can't diagnose you. I have changed medical clinics and it just happened to turn out okay. The new person is very 👍 good at listening and communicating. There is no guarantee that a change will work. I wasn't positive until I made it and I thought it could get worse instead of better, or just the same and a waste of time. I couldn't ever tell anyone else what to do because everyone is an individual. I liked that you are able to express yourself and said you are trying. That is good! I like this site because you can discuss things with peers. I like peer groups better than so-called professionals who may have a license or title. I got a degree in psychology ( probably out of self-defense). You can't learn it in a book or from a degree. It is a gift. Does the person you are with have a gift of helping people? Or do they just want to do your 🤔 thinking for you?
He knows I'm suicidal because I've told him over and over that I can't stop wanting to die. Yesterday when I called I told his assistant I barely made it waiting for this appointment. I told them both I was on suicide crisis calls for hours over the weekend. How many times have you thought about killing yourself? Everyday. I am honest with them every appointment. I've been hospitalized twice in just over a year of having him as my doctor. He knows I go days without sleep. What happened with my mom. That my fiancé killed himself last year. He knows enough that I hope he'd help me. I guess he can't.
That is sure a lot of bad things that have happened to you, like your fiance. It is not something to get over in a day, and existence can have bad times. How can we get back to good times we need to feel it is all worth it Physical pain and mental pain both harass us, and make us want to stop it. Now! I have known two people I met in support groups years ago now, who were suicidal ( actually made serious attempts) and recovered from being possessed by those thoughts every day. Meaning, one is still living after many years, and one died of old age this year. They were both able to be good friends to others, within some limits which we all have. They were able to help others and were able to communicate well. I learned a lot from both of them.
I am really trying to get help. This is my first time trying support groups online. I don't know what else to try. With moving and having new doctors it's been difficult. I was seeing that Dr since February of last year. I can't even think about how much it's going to suck to talk to a new doctor. Any kind of doctor. My last GI appointment was around mid '21. I had so much anxiety that I got sick, I was visibly shaking and I started crying. She ended up talking to me about my last suicide attempt that was in my chart and she wanted me to get help. I've been dealing with medical doctors and in and out of the hospital since 12. My anxiety started at 17. Social anxiety started towards the end of my marriage, so mid 30s. Everything got much worse in '16/'17. The last 6 years or so have been hell. I don't know what they expect from me. I don't have a weak mind. I don't exaggerate. I miss being happy. I miss not feeling hopeless. I really miss not being in so much physical pain. I know things have been a lot more strict for doctors. I'm starting to feel like I'm not going to get help.
I also got a psychology degree because I wanted to know why I was so "messed up". You're exactly right when you say you can't read it in a book or get that from a degree you either have to have been there yourself, know someone that has or know somebody else that went through themselves in order to empathize and properly know what that person is actally thinking or feeling because you've been there yourself. That's why so many of cadc's are recovering Addicts because they wsntbto give others their own gift of true recovery. Personally, I'd rather talk to someone that's been through similar things then someone looking down at me through a pair of glasses judging me. You know what I mean.
A really effective doctor who can communicate and understand is rare. ( Of all things I just thought of an old saying....'You have to kiss a lot of frogs to find a prince'. ) It isn't impossible though , but hard to find. I know when I lose or misplace something, if I get upset and try to turn the house upside down looking for it, it's like it hides from me, but if I can let it go for a while, it just turns up. Is it possible for you to keep in touch with a crisis line for when you need it, and just take a rest on talking to doctors for a while. Then you can decide if you feel things are becoming an emergency, you can call the crisis line for help. It's obvious that you are trying to find help, which is the opposite of giving up. Your anxiety comes from thinking seriously about things, which is very appropriate after the years you have been feeling bad and the losses you had to endure. But you have shown you do have endurance and probably many more good qualities you aren't aware of completely right now. The time you have already spent is not an indication of the same amount of time in the future to get to a solution; one that meets your unique personality and tolerance level. I believe you can still get well. I have recovered from many serious mental states. I don't know their cause or their cure. I just know the worst is in the past. I don't expect to become a perfect person in the future or ever be without some problems but they are not as heavy a weight as before.
I've wrote 3-4 replies but keep deleting. I've been treated for anxiety and depression since around 95. It stopped in 2020 after moving. It's been getting worse and worse. It's never been like this. Now I'm to a point I wish I would die multiple times a day. I'm haunted by abuse that I just can't get out of my mind. The last 3 months have me at the absolute lowest time in my life. My mind feels sick. My body hurts so incredibly bad. I'm tired. I don't have much hope left. I remember being happy. I remember having friends and going out. I know life can be good. I know it can be again if I can get the right treatment. I hope I can make it until then. Thank you.
Hi Jenn. I'm Tara. I've been battling can you get depressive disorder since 2006 and I'm on medication that doesn't work anymore. And the last year I've lost my job lost my home and now I'm living in my sister's basement. I'm at my absolute worst right now and last year and brought me to my knee literally but somehow someway I'm still hanging in there but not without laying in bed for hours depressed last night I decided I'm not doing it anymore. I've been on the same medication for 18 years I'm getting off of it and doing a more holistic approach including change and diet, exercise, yoga, meditation, and breathing exercises. I might even do acupuncture who knows whatever works all I know is nothing's working for me right now. I'm at the absolute lowest point in my entire life right now and there are days that I don't even get out of bed but no longer I'm through punishing myself. It's absolute torture so I get where you're coming from totally. Please know and understand that this too shall pass and it won't last forever you're going to get through this you just have to breathe minute by minute sometimes even second by second. My latest out of depression I didn't press classic 4 years it's been the longest of my entire life and it sucks I remember what it's like to laugh and be happy and carefree and I used to be that way and so many people are so shocked when I tell them that I suffer from major depressive disorder because they know me as a total opposite person who is people orientated and friendly and outgoing and funny and always laughing with a smile but I've always hidden behind that and used humor to cover up my sadness. I've also suffered childhood trauma my alcoholic mother verbally emotionally and psychologically abused me and my father physically abused me. I was also sexually assaulted too so I've been through every type of abuse practically that you can go through. Because of the abuse I suffered seld-esteem issues and self-loathing problems. I am a three-time suicide attempt survivor. Nearest hospitalized for those attempts between the ages of 18 to 21 I am now 54 years of age. I am so happy that the third attempt wasn't lethal because I was only 15 minutes away from death and Only God himself was able to save me from that I spent the day and a half in ICU and they pumped my stomach and I have no recollection in any of it. Things didn't get much better for a while but for some reason I just began to snap out of it and begin to live my life. I went to school and studied psychology because I wanted to know why I was so messed up I learned a lot. Family dynamics that are toxic can do a doozy on somebody and it definitely did that to me. I recently wrote a letter to both my mother and my father forgiving both of them for what they did to me. I did it for me so I could finally let that go after years of heartache and crying over it and feeling miserable. If I was not alive I would have missed marrying my crush we've been married 18 years and together for 20. I would have missed the birth of my beautiful godson Robert who is now 16. I'm sure I would have missed so much more too and cheated myself out of all that joy. You are going to be OK Jenn just please trust in a process stay with this group, talk to people who are like-minded who care and really listen to what you're saying. This group helps me so much I love it and I find so much comfort here I really do. Please reach out to me anytime when you need to talk okay I am wishing you peace and I'll be and I'm going to pray for you too okay all my best. Breathe in and out slowly. Take things minute by minute ok. I want you to know you are enough and you are worthy of greatness!
oh Jenn. I just got through a really really hard week of high anxiety and rolling panic attacks, yet again. I so feel for you. I understand so intimately the desperation for relief. Because relief is all we ever want. It feels like we’re getting ready to tumble over the edge and we already can’t handle what’s happening. Any more and surely we’ll completely go insane. I am so incredibly sorry 
sometimes doctors don’t really know the right path. Mine didn’t. It sounds to me your doctor wanted to put you on hydroxyzine. It’s a great drug. It truly is like a benedryl but has a warm calming affect. It won’t take your anxiety completely away and it will make you sleepy. But your tired weary brain needs rest. Are you seeing a psychiatrist who could prescribe a couple Ativan to bring you down and give you some relief? Are you on an ssri? Perhaps it has stoppped working. I am so sorry you feel hopeless. I know it’s hard seeing doctors, I stress so bad over each one. However maybe you could go to the ER. they may be able to give you some Ativan, give you some instant relief while a new ssri has a chance to work. Hope is never lost, I promise. This is as bad as it gets, there’s nothing over that ledge, you aren’t going insane. Your nervous system is just completely frazzled and needs rest. This will get better. You just need a plan.
Thank you so much. I was on that medication for months and it just didn't help. I've tried 4 medications this last year and couldn't find relief. My symptoms have got so bad that I can't function like a normal person anymore. Knowing what life was like before and what it can be like again if I can get these things under control is both good and bad. I don't like how I am right now. I want to relax. I want to sleep nightly. I want my stomach to stop hurting. I want to take my dogs to the dog park. I want to go to school. I feel like I'm not asking for much. I don't know. Just writing about it gets me so tense. I really don't know.
At one point I told him
So what, you're basically saying I should go ahead and kill myself because there's no hope, right?
He told me
That's never a good idea
By that time I'm crying and really agitated. It just got worse. Just to know I waited and how hard it was to make it through the weekend and to this appointment, and his solution was to put me back on a medication that didn't help...its just a lot to deal with.
The thing is on some level u got to rest and let it heal, maybe it's not anxiety only it's chronic fatigue syndrome or fibromyalgia or something they don't see which makes u feel disconnected from them as they don't see u and violate you as they view the world as a game. Keep calm everyone lives in agony and broken and isolated and with confusion about what it's all about , so Ur not alone but u can't sense the others pain if Ur so busy with itself which is ok be ause I need to be to protect.
Real life is just work on yourself all the time still I need to do the work and we r working secretly on ourselves though the outside doesn't reflect that , I know one day you ll find some help. But it's a long long day here , who told u u can't cope with your emotions or at least structure them
I cant agree with most of this, sorry. I won't be like people on here who get mean tho hehe.It's all of those things. I honestly can't handle the new pains and the old pains being so bad. I've been in chronic pain since 11 or 12. That's 34 years. I did take a break. Things just got a lot worse. It's time to see my doctor. I need to know what's wrong. My left leg stays numb from the knee to my ankle. My vision is distorted. I can't bend my fingers on my left hand due to pain. It goes on. Plus by not treating crohns disease I'm letting permanent damage occur. This time my mental state has to be addressed so I can get help for my physical state.
It is another level when you add chronic severe pain to mental illness. I mean to really suffer with pain. I'm not saying it's worse than mental suffering, it's like having two brains that you have mental illness in.
That's not true. Everyone doesn't live like that. No one should have to. It honestly hurts my heart when I meet someone in a similar situation. I live in misery. I don't with this on anyone.
The thing is that I have been successful in treatment before. I know what it's like to not wake up in such bad pain you cry as soon as your eyes open. I know what it's like to feel happy. I know what it's like to enjoy being alive.
All I want is to not think about dying so much and so often. I know I will never be pain free but I know it can be controlled. I know my mind will always trouble me but it can be much better. Thank you.
Diseases are v difficult, I would try Chrons and Colitis UK charity IBS network , Samaritans or CALM or Mental Health Awareness charities. It's true life's tough though for all in one way or another nothings what it seems truly , remember that n you may feel a lot calmer as you never know what they suffer we always never know , I think that people are tired of injustice too and even of living generally and make a great amount of effort to get on with one another and things
On the other hand I'm not seeking to diminish you these are just my ramblings, certainly my life is hell for numerous reasons but as long as I push myself I seem to get myself n others through I just train but I think most people are acting
Bless you Jenn, so sorry for all that you have gone through/are going through.Hoping and praying that things will get better for you xx
PS I know what you mean about being anxious near doctors, I always either end up mute or a gibbering wreck. Same applies to dentists, hospital consultants, psychiatrists, even hairdressers in a salon..fortunately a friend cuts my hair at home now.
I am like that. I don’t go anywhere anymore because of fibromyalgia I get brain fog and my sentences don’t make sense or I lose my train of thought and look like an idiot. My hairdresser just retired so now I’m not sure what I’m going to do. I tried a new only to stutter through the whole thing. I was mortified. Fibromyalgia has many many unexplained symptoms. Stomach pain is a major one. Do some online research Jenn, it might be a good place to start.
I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia around 2013. I do research certain things. Some symptoms I am aware that I will just get more scared. Like the numbness in my left leg. The first 3 nights it would tingle before going numb. I was sure if I Googled it that things like heart attack or stroke would come up. I'd rather not know until being able to treat it. I know what it's like to have my mind spin over fears like that. I have problems with blood clots. When I was newly diagnosed with DVT, I was horrified to sleep. Something like a stoke makes me even more afraid.I have found that doctors seem almost offended when you research on your own prior to seeing them. I don't think it's just me.
I agree that some doctors have a hissy fit when they find out you researched stuff.
🫥😉
Doctors, dentists, psychiatrists, etc. All are working for You! Don't forget, YOU are the Boss! You hired them, so to speak. I know, I sometimes forget this -- "Doctors will get off their pedistalls, when we get off our knees!"
Yes they get paid a lot and you have to push them also a lot if people win complaints against them the practice manager request as a threat or even to discuss is good best if luck to all
I wrote this response to someone else in here a couple years ago. It focuses primarily on coping skills that I learned the hard way. I hope it helps. It starts with the OP's post in italics and then my response to it:
***
So I'm just looking for what hows say about their anxiety and depression. I've been battling anxiety and depression for 19 years now. I've have highs and very low lows. I talk to a therapist once a week and I've been on every anti anxiety medication there is and it does help but I always wonder will it get better? Will I battle this the rest of my life and if so how do I cope when it feel like the world is out to get me and anxiety seems to run my life?
***
The most critical thing is to never, ever give in to the idea that your mental illness is anything like a reliable indicator of the truth about the world outside your head. Once you understand that it's a lie, it becomes far less powerful because you become much less afraid of it. Fear that it will come again will often make it come again.
In my view, the people at greatest risk of suicide are the ones who start to believe that the whole world is hopeless and pointless, not just their own situation, meaning that in their minds, there is nowhere for them to escape the rising floodwaters even if they can get out of their heads for a moment. At that point, you're in a tailspin that's hard to pull out of. I almost ate a pistol in '94 because of it.
Something that really helps me is remembering that the moods do come -- and go. Just remembering that largely de-claws the lacerating despair that may be slicing and dicing me at the moment because I know from long experience that it will go. Yes, in the moment it feels like I have been in this nightmarish mood from eternity past and will be in it forever, but it will go. Just by remembering that I immediately feel significantly better. But again it is absolutely critical that you believe that there is goodness and worthwhile-ness in the world outside your head. Because it really is there.
Another thing that may sound stupid but really works for me is that just scrunching up my shoulders or allowing my face to sink into a grimace is a trigger. I start to get anxious and my stomach starts to boil. (Your physical posture really does make a big difference in your mental state.) But if I force myself to relax my face and shoulders, the anxiety will go away almost every time. Subconsciously I'll start to scrunch and grimace again and the anxiety returns, but again I force my face and shoulders to relax.
You may have to repeat this process about 50 or 100 times until it goes away for an extended period, so DO NOT be discouraged if it doesn't work right away. After a while this and other 'tricks' become second nature and you're able to judo this thing almost absently, like flipping a light switch or flushing the can. There will still be bad days but there will be fewer of them and on average, they will be less severe.
Some have said to focus on things that produce good feelings in you to push out the bad. You have probably heard this a lot but this is solid advice. Different things work for different people but I love looking at pictures of fall foliage, just hypnotizes me. In person is ideal but you can do that any time of year on line, lots of great fall picture sites. Maybe a favorite restaurant or some happy memories. Or going to the hardware store and feeling the constructive atmosphere -- positive things you can do with tools and parts and nails etc to fix something at the house or maybe a hobby or project -- that runs so contrary to the sense of futility this illness stuffs down your throat. Anything that gives you even 5 minutes away from the bad thought patterns is a point gained; it's 5 minutes you weren't feeding this snake. That matters because mood disorders rarely if ever stand still; they are either getting better or worse, depending in large part on your behavior and attitude. Once again, it will be difficult at first, but once again it will become second nature after a while.
Last but not least, these things and all the other solid advice I've seen in here are coping skills -- or more to my point, weapons, and I do not use that word lightly. DO NOT be passive and hope this illness will go away on its own, it won't. You must stomp the head of this snake day in and day out, because you are in World War (name of OP), a war for your soul -- and the souls of others (more on that below).
This means you must be willing to fight and fight hard -- which means you must believe you have something to fight for.
You do.
Friends and family and -- get this -- others who are as sick or sicker than you and me, who you don't know yet but who will die by their own hand if you give up now because they will never get encouragement and advice from the voice of experience -- you. God will put you in the path of people new to this illness for this reason, as he has done with me. He will make this illness, yes, worthwhile.
If I sound like Patton in front of that big flag, so be it. When you're up against an enemy as cunning and deadly as mental illness, you need to be a rabid rottweiler with stars on its shoulders.
FIGHT!!!
BROVO! And, Thank you for this post!
Wow! There is so much in this and I love the fighting talk. Thank you.
Thanks for sharing and be calm we r here sort of........
Best wishes
There are a lot of long posts here which I apologize I haven't read closely. If my comments are repeats, I apologize.If you are suicidal, go the the psych ER. You will have a psychiatrist assigned to you. You will have a current diagnosis, receive medication management and a post hospital treatment plan. You will be helped to find a psychiatrist and a therapist.
Take a deep breath. It's hard but you can go forward - you've done it before. Rooting for you.
I've been 3 times in 15 months. Unfortunately they will not treat anxiety. They haven't changed any of my meds. I wish they did and I would go more often when I get like that. It's good for a break though
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