My husband can't get past how my depression has affected him

[Ty_K]

I was diagnosed with PPD, OCD and anxiety at the beginning of 2017 after the birth of our 3rd child. I was in therapy briefly and briefly took medication. But we couldn't afford for me to continue treatments and it has affected every part of my life. In the last few months I have been trying to do more and get back to a normal life though I know I still suffer from depression. But my husband keeps bringing up that he won't be over the last year and a half any time soon b/c he felt alone in the marriage and he says most any other man would have left me. Now there is distance despite my doing more in the household and trying to change all the things he said were a problem. I feel like he will always resent me for this even though I couldn't help it. There's no affection. I gave up on sex with him. And when I bring it up, he just says "How do you think I felt for a year and half?" I honestly feel like it will never matter how much I do to atone for the depression, he will always resent me for how he was affected. I know I still suffer from it. I feel it. But I don't dare say it. I'm lost. Please tell me someone understands. Anyone.

[Robinrenae]

I hope I'm not out of line here but your husband is acting like a self centered child. He asks how do you think he felt for a year and a half.....well, how does he think you felt? And are still feeling from the sound of it. He is trying to make you feel guilty for having a disease, which is no fault of your own. That is a mean spirited thing to do. Sadly some times people who have never experienced any mental illness don't understand it at all. That still doesn't excuse his behavior though. I do understand and I'm so sorry you are going through all of this. If he wants the marriage to work he needs to stop maki g everythi g about him and consider your feelings too.

Love and light to you. ❤🌹

[Ty_K in reply to Robinrenae]

I don't want to give the impression that it hasn't been hard for him pulling extra weight with the kids and housework while also working a stressful job. He has legitimate feelings including feeling that he's been alone in the marriage and that he doesn't know how to communicate with me anymore. And it's so hard to try to describe to him what's going on in my head without sounding like a complete psycho. We both want to work on our marriage but both feel like we aren't understood.

[BogartTilly]

Can you go to a marriage counselor?

Also I was able to get a counselor from my church. I meet with her once a week and it is free because I cannot afford it

I spoke to my pastor and he suggested it

There are sources out there that give free or next to nothing service

Your husband needs to understand what you are going thru

This won’t go away on its own

Hugs and prayers to you❤️🙏🏻

[Indigo-ivy]

Hi ,

I'm currently going through something very similar with my husband ! Our baby is only 4 months old .. he has actually left our home 4 weeks ago , blaming me and my "issues" on why he has left ! He hasn't tried to see the kids either ! Since he has gone my anxiety and depression has got worse I'm a wreck... but I know it will get better !

I want you to know that your not on your own !! ❤️ Please message me when your feeling like you need to chat !! It's so difficult suffering in silence like you are , trying to raise your kids and then deal with a selfish man on top of it! I understand completely!!! I'm here for you ✨✨✨

[KIMV12]

As a mom battling crippling depression and anxiety I know exactly how you feel and I wish I could give you a hug. So sorry about the super long response that will follow, I just can relate so much and am hoping there is something useful in my experience dealing with this issue.

First off I want to say that is commendable that you would take the time to explain your husband's situation, to understand his point of view, and to make sure that as outsiders we do not misunderstand him and think of him as the selfish asshole most people are picturing. It sounds to me like you still love and care about him. I do want to warn you that often depression, and the accompanying sense of guilt and low self esteem, makes us feel like absolutely everything in this world is our fault. That is specially the case with depression because everyone else perceives it as something that we could control if we try hard enough and it can be viewed as more of character flaw than the very real illness that it is. Because your husband has never experienced real depression, he mistakes your feelings for ones similar to the ones he felt when he was at his lowest point, and remembers getting himself out of that and probably feels you can do the same. But, there is a very big difference between temporary feelings of depression, and actual clinical or PPD. The very makeup of your brain changes, and no amount of sheer will can make it go away, specially if you have not received the full treatment you needed.

My point is, it may feel like it is understandable for him to be resentful and tired, because it is, he is entitled to his feelings and you must respect that. But what he is not entitled to do is act as if you did this by choice, as if you are creating this situation in order to make him feel that way. He cannot blame you for being depressed any more than he could have blamed you if you were diagnosed with another disease that made relating to him and carrying your weight difficult. If it had been cancer would he be standing so securely declaring that any other man would have left you? Because let me tell you right now, from personal experience that is NOT true! As difficult as it has been for him, a man who loves and respects his wife will stand by her and support her in sickness and in health.

It can be difficult to adjust to a depressed partner after having a normal marriage and relationship free of it. But those adjustments are part of a marriage and its not like you left him or retreated from him intentionally. In my situation, my husband and I have been together for almost 10 years, but my depression emerged really early in the relationship. He had moments of exhaustion, of feeling like he couldn't deal with it anymore, but he has always felt like the person I truly am is worth supporting. I don't want to give you the impression that it is perfect, I have had moments just like you are having right now where I felt it was all my fault, that he deserved better, that I needed to change my depression. I feel like that often even now, but on my moments of clarity I know that I am doing the best I can and that is just going to have to be enough.

As others have said I would suggest marriage counseling. If you cannot afford it I would try to educate him as much as possible about depression, PPD in particular. Some documentaries and movies, books. You know him best so you know which approach may work better in terms of getting him to understand your perspective a bit better. If even after understanding what you went through he is still holding it against you, then you two just need to have a clear and difficult conversation about where to go from there. If he doesn't think he can support you then it may be best if you separate because being with an unsupportive partner can be more damaging and exhausting long term than just being alone.

[MomLeslieM]

OH MY GOODNESS Ty, I'm so sorry that your husband is resenting you and making you feel that you have to "atone" for your PPD/OCD!!! That is something that you had no control over and what you did was the right thing in recognizing it and getting help! You're right, he does have SOME legitimate feelings as he had to take over so much but that's what teamwork in marriage is - sometimes one spouse has to give more even when it is hard and frustrating. It really stinks that therapy can be so expensive - like Bogart said, there are sources that can help pay or will do several sessions for no cost (or very low cost). Are you a part of a church or synagogue? If so talk to the religious leader and see if he or she would be willing to do a few marriage sessions with you and your husband to help you get through this - if you're both willing to keep working to save your marriage a few sessions would be enough to get you started on the right track again. If not check again with your insurance company - maybe benefits have changed and there would be an option for therapy sessions. Also there may be employee benefits of phone therapy or something that you could get for free for a few sessions from either you or your husband's place of employment. (I think they are sometimes called EAP benefits - Employee Assistance Program and are sometimes through unions, etc.) I know Focus in the Family will do a session of free counseling if you'd like their # let me know. Did you stop taking medication because it wasn't helping or because it got too expensive also? If it was helping and you stopped because you couldn't see your therapist you might talk to your OB or PCP about prescribing the meds.

I hope that you're able to find the help you need.