I can bare this Illness until it hurts someone I Love

[MariaLove123]

It’s always a little challenging when one person has mental illness in the relationship But, my fiancé is so supportive and loving. He doesn’t mind when he has to cancel plans or has to do more than the average man has to do in the relationship. He never complains. When I’m in a very bad way he will do anything to make me feel better. I am very lucky but I am also very protective of him. I never want this devil disease to hurt him.

I can deal with all of my anxiety and depression but when my illness hurts him, that’s when I hate this %€#!$@& disease so much! My fiancé really needed me this weekend to get his new car (an hour away) and one of my symptoms is not being able to leave the house. We do our very best to prepare me ahead of time whenever I do have to go out. So on Wednesday I promised I’d prepare myself to get up early on Saturday and take him.

Well...I couldn’t. I just physically could not get up. And all day I kept saying give me a little bit longer. I finally just promised we’d go tomorrow (Sunday) and pretty much the same thing happened.

There’s never been a time that he’s gotten mad or upset at me. Even this, he’s not mad. I can sense he’s disappointed though. And I’m mad. I’m mad that I can never give back to him what he gives me. I couldn’t do this one %#€?&@$ thing for him. And I know how excited he’s been to get the car. This really is such a selfish illness. I wish the disease could be something I can beat up. Just like I would be protective if a person hurts him, I am like that with the disease too. I’m just disgusted with myself.

[tamka38]

Hey don’t beat yourself up because it happen is not your fault. And Do u have any anxiety medication? Like Xanax

[MariaLove123 in reply to tamka38]

Yes Clonopin and it helps tremendously. This whole issue with not being able to leave the house goes so much deeper than anxiety you know?

[tamka38 in reply to MariaLove123]

Believe me, I understand exactly what u going through. I been there and recently trying to get myself out right now

[Iloveart7]

Aw I'm srr dear. Love you! (((Hugs)))

[MariaLove123 in reply to Iloveart7]

Awww love ya girl ❤️❤️❤️❤️

[Starrlight]

((((((( ❤️)))))))

[MariaLove123 in reply to Starrlight]

((((((Star))))) you know how much I love that! Xo 😘

[Starrlight in reply to MariaLove123]

😃 thinking of you.

[Krazie]

You can do the best you can do, and feel proud that you were able to do it. It is best not to dwell on what you cannot do. That leads to self defeating behavior. Do your best and feel proud. You are lucky to have someone who loves you so much, and I bet if you asked, he would tell you he feels lucky to be loved so much. Not every one gets to have a love that deep and enduring. All relationships have rough spots, so find ways to work with it, together. It will make your bond stronger.

[MariaLove123 in reply to Krazie]

Thank you Krazie (love your username by the way) You’re very tight. I know what I have is rare. Yet, I had a horrible marriage before this and terrible relationships prior to that. We definitely have a good bond and I’d never complain about anything to do with him. I’m just disappointed that I couldn’t do this for him. That happens a lot in relationships and friendships. It’s very hard to give back. We do our best. I am just so sensitive towards my loved ones and I have too high of an expectation for what I want to do for them. I can do only what I’m able to do. You’re right. Thank you 🙏🏼

[Fishmonster]

Your fiancé sounds like a one in a million type of guy, do anything to keep him.

He loves you even with this disease, he knows the challenges but he still chooses to stay with you so you too must be an amazing person.

Make a romantic picnic in the living room with candles sitting on the floor. Put up a tent in your bedroom and go camping. Take goofy pictures of each other and together then have them printed to make you smile when your down. Find the positive when your down. Do things to make each other smile.

[MariaLove123 in reply to Fishmonster]

Omg I love your ideas! You sound so much fun. We actually do a lot of silly things. We build forts and play games and watch our favorite shows. The blanket idea-that’s so funny because I did have one made for him last Christmas. It was really cute. And I created the love book online for Valentines Day. I am pretty creative. Thank you for reminding me of that. And you didn’t even mean to! That’s why I love this site. You never know what advice you give is going to help. You helped me realize that I do nice things for him. This situation just made me feel so guilty. But most nights we both do our best to be fun so I stay out of my head. ((((Hugs)))) 🤗

[Fishmonster]

The “disease” you speak about, why is it any different then the flu or a virus? They are the same, some just last longer then others. Your stuck in bed either way too. Don’t feel guilty and down, just try to build yourself up. You too sound very creative

Lots of hugs and peace

[MariaLove123 in reply to Fishmonster]

I’m not trying to be mean. Do you have mental illness? It is nothing like the flu. It’s so much worse. This isn’t like I haven’t left the house in a few weeks and I’ll get over it when I feel better. I’ve hardly left the house in 4 years. Mental illness is mostly in our head; the overthinking, the racing thoughts and they cause depression and anxiety. Both are hell. The flu sucks but it’s nothing compared to how most of us feel when we’re depressed or anxious. X

[Fishmonster]

I’m sorry I didn’t mean to diminish your pain, I’m sorry you have gone through so much Yes I have mental illness. Anxiety depression ptsd ect. I know they are all very different in symptoms but by name whether physical or mental, people shouldn’t look at them like they are any different.

[MariaLove123 in reply to Fishmonster]

Awww no it’s ok love. I’ve just never heard that the two are alike. I guess I never thought to compare the two either. You definitely have similar symptoms. Do they make you feel like you have the flu? Days like today I could see why it might feel like the flu 🤒 XOXO

[Fishmonster]

Well does feeling like you got hit by a Mach truck then put through a dryer like the flu? Lol

I need sleep

I get up a 5 or at least try to go to the gym

Peace

Hugs and kisses

Stay strong

Your loved by everyone

[JEG325]

First of all, stop beating yourself up. You mentioned several times that this is a disease. That means you are not in control. We all have doubts, M. Read my Sunday post for a few of mine. So you can't go out. Well, I hate it too. I need more meds but don't wanna go get it. I'd almost rather do without these pills that are critical to my health. But, I know I can't. Listen, your boyfriend loves you and rightfully so! You're a beautiful, sweet person. I certainly love you just the way the way you are....All of us who know who you are, respect you for the the struggles you are facing. Your grace and sweetness under the circumstances is awesome. Luv you, my superfriend.

[MariaLove123 in reply to JEG325]

Thanks JEG I know all that. I’m not being too hard on myself because I understand this is a disease. The Maria without the house leaving issue would do anything for him and my loved ones without even a question. I guess that’s what bothers me. I like who I am without some of these phobias or symptoms. I’m just overall mad at the illness for weakening me. Xo

[fauxartist]

the thing is honey....he already knew ahead of time this might happen....and in future he will be best off to make plans with someone else who he can know that what he needs to do will get done. It's not you that is selfish.....it's the disease. And as you said he knows this already about you...so he can't be disappointed in you. And even though you had good intentions of trying to be there for him.....the disease stepped in....and then that leaves you feeling guilty and remorseful which is not healthy. I think to just come to complete acceptance to the limitations of this disease, and don't set yourself up for failure by making plans you know you may not be able to keep will eliminate all this un-necessary guilt. Your a very loving and good person my friend....and your fiancé may have just been trying to help you move forward.....but your just not ready....so it is what it is, and time will tell if you are ever going to be ready....either way.... this is you....and you are just fine. Sure you hate the disease...... but don't beat yourself up because of it..... leave it with the disease and not on you.

[MariaLove123 in reply to fauxartist]

Faux I just love you. Your big sister talks are so great. I honestly feel so much better that you said I shouldn’t set myself up like that. When I know I can’t do something, I shouldn’t agree to doing it. He didn’t make me feel bad, nor was he disappointed in me. He was so supportive as he always is. I just thought this one time I could push myself. You’re right though, about the limitations to this disease. I accepted so much last year. I feel like I am just okay with my life. I’ll definitely have great days but I’ve accepted that most days are just okay. Thank you 🙏🏼 I love you 💕

[fauxartist in reply to MariaLove123]

anticipation is a tremendous stress.....and spontaneity eliminates that....if you some day feel like going for a walk around the yard etc....then do it.... but stay clear of anything that is appointment related if you can....or if you are in therapy...ask your therapist how do you not become anxious when you want to plan for something so it does not built up and eventually your just not able to cope with it.

[MariaLove123 in reply to fauxartist]

You always have such good advice. I agree that I should stay away of appointments. They only cause me crazy stress and I wind up canceling anyway. I’m just not ready to leave the house for big things. I can start with walks or just quick trips to the store. Honestly I do get a lot done at home. I love going on here, chatting with people, checking my emails, writing and playing on my phone. It really keeps me busy. I don’t have a therapist. Not that I don’t believe in them for other people; but for me, I just never got anything out of it. Plus it’s another appointment that I freak out about and wind up canceling. God I’m so nervous for Christmas and going up to my cousins. I know I’m going to have a hard time getting ready and leaving.