Not sure?

[Lumin]

Hello. Not sure if I am doing this right or even why I am doing this. I am 42.. have 3 children they are in there teens now.. I have always had depression and anxiety. I seem to be doing ok holding my depression at bay.. but my anxiety seems to be getting worst.. a lot worse.. it is to the point where I can not talk to someone I don't know...will not even look at there face.. I also seem to have holed myself up in my house only going for food for my kids and even then I practically run through the store.. I am not sure how typing this out will help.. I can not afford therapists who seem to do nothing.. again I don't know why I am doing this.. probably a waste of time.. I don't know.

[Agora1]

Lumin, I assure you, it is not a waste of time to reach out to help yourself. You deserve to find ways to handle your anxiety and depression. Having 3 teens is not an easy task. Do you know why your anxiety may be getting worse. That's a start at least. Feeling fear and physical symptoms for no apparent cause can be taken care of. There are ways to handle stress and anxiety through learning more about how the mind/body interconnection. We are here to help each other through times like this. Reach out, we understand, we care.

[Lumin in reply to Agora1]

Thank you... I am not sure why it has gotten worse... I think it started after my last monster was born ... she is 13 now.. I guess thinking about it... it started as small things and has just rolled into a cocoon of sorts that I just want to stay in.. I don't want to talk.. face to face with anyone but my cat... I am scared of people I guess.. I am not sure how to fix it or make it better.. . Lordy.. even just typing it out has me nervous. :/

[Agora1 in reply to Lumin]

Lumin, are you afraid that you are being judged somehow for your 13 year old's behavior? I'm sorry that your anxiety and stress seems to have taken over your life. You hold up in the house because that should be your safety haven, but apparently it's not which makes you more anxious. Even in going to the store, you rush through it, maybe in not wanting to meet anyone that may know you.

Short term medication and therapy would be nice but since you can't afford that at this time, the best thing is to see your doctor who may be able to prescribe something to settle your nerves for a short time. Another option is to use the forum for support and understanding so you won't feel so alone and so overwhelmed by what is happening to you.

Believe me, you are not the only one who is going through these feelings. Sounds like there is a reasonable fear that is making your anxiety grow. Let us help you. Typing it has made you nervous because it brings up something you rather not think about. That is a normal reaction but not a healthy one. We care Lumin.

[Lumin in reply to Agora1]

Sorry so long for a reply. :/ my kids don't have bad behavior out of the house.. as soon as they hit the door though it is a constant war. I growl at them a lot but that is a normal thing for them. They make me want to pull my hair out sometimes but I am preaty sure they are not my reason. And therapists.... I took one of my daughters to one she was 14 at the time so I had to sit in.. she reminds my a lot of myself which is not good and I was hoping it might help. But not even 10 minutes in he managed to turn everything around from her to me. And said I was the reason my daughter was depressed...... kinda like I am infecting my kids and should not be near them... those were not his words but that is how it came off on me. by the time I got out of there I was in the worst place i have ever been. If my daughter had not been with me I probably would have done something bad... so therapy in my opinion is only a way to make you feel even worse about yourself.

Sorry. Done rambling about that. It still gets me upset. Sorry.

[AmandaMK]

Hello. It sounds like social anxiety really makes your life hard I can relate. I think you might be doing this for a good reason! Whether or not you realize it this is a step towards feeling better. Its an effort and thats what counts! My own mother suffers from depression and anxiety may even bipolar. But I love her with all my heart. She is in a great place right now after medication. That might be something to consider. Maybe reach out to one of your kids too. If you feel close with one for instance maybe they can help. I'm not a pro or anything but I really hope things get better for you

[Hidden]

Hello Lumin. I know what is like not to want to leave the house or even be in a grocery store. Is there a community mental health center where you live? Sometimes there is low cost or free help and I think the best thing I did was to find a professional I see once a month. Sounds like you might be a single mother, and teenagers are not easy..... You never know when your talking to the child or when you are talking or the emerging adult.

You really seem overwhelmed by all your children being teenagers, which put a sort of extra punch into your anxiety....and it sounds like you're maybe actually having a panic attack in that grocery store. Breathing exercises help me some and remembering that I can always leave a store through their unlocked doors helps when I shop....but I know some days I can only stay n a store for about 15 minutes sometimes....so I just have to make more trips instead of making myself stay until everything on my list is purchased.

Please keep writing.

[Lumin in reply to Hidden]

I am not sure if there is a community center around where I am.. but it sounds like a place with a lot of people.. :/

[Hidden in reply to Lumin]

Sounds like a place you should check out when you have a few minutes of calmness. The people in this community are behind you if you choose to check it out. Ok? No pressure though.

[Lumin in reply to Hidden]

I live in Tampa florida.. the most support I have seen recently is the support of a middle finger at me because when I do go out I drive like I am 100.. but I will look around no promises that I will not sit in a corner and just watch and listen.

[Hidden in reply to Lumin]

Hi Lumin. So how big was that middle finger in Tampa?lol

Tampa area is home to me too and I stopped looking for fingers...the traffic on some of the main streets is fast and furious. Have enough just to keep my eyes on the car in front of me.

Glad to hear you might check out the place you saw. So what if your first step is to just go and sit or look around. It's a first step. (Just don't drive 100 mph or you may miss the place.)

[Lumin in reply to Hidden]

Lol.. I will try..

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Oh, excuse me Lumin...I misread. So you drive like your 100, not drive at 100mph. Hey, sometimes I drive like that too...I stay off the streets during rush hours and make certain when I drive that I have enough time not to feel rushed.

[Lumin in reply to Hidden]

Ah.. yeah I have people honking at me if I don't turn a corner when they think I should and get mad if I am not going fast enough... does not bother me much.. if they are in a rush to die go for it. :/

[Hidden]

Ok, you seem a little better right now. Your sense of h

humor is showing. Good! Now, you have a good evening and keep remembering you have that even if you kids seem bent on arguing with one another.

[Lumin in reply to Hidden]

Thank you.

[Hidden in reply to Lumin]

No worries.