New to this. Not sure what to write.

[Apollymae]

Hello. I'm new here. I'm not sure what to write to introduce myself. I am a sufferer of dysthymia. I've been on medication for a few years but have never really tried talking about it. The medication helped level out my moods but never really took away the thoughts. I'm not suicidal or anything, just sad. Most days I'm ok. I smile and laugh just like every one else but today was bad. It took just one sentence from a friend to open the flood gates. The the thoughts happen. Why am I not enough? Why are you wasting time talking to me? Stop crying, it makes you seem weak. On and on it goes. Just when I think I have calmed down it pops back up and starts over again.

My thoughts are about my self worth. I don't know when it started but I've always compared myself to others and found myself lacking. I don't seek counseling because I don't think that I am bad enough for it. I should be able to control this all on my own. I shouldn't need help to control my emotions and thoughts. I should be stronger than that.

But here I am. I journal and write down my thoughts but I don't talk to anyone. I don't know if this will help but I'm trying. Here I am exposing what I see as my weakness. Trying to talk through my thoughts. Thank you for listening (reading).

[bridder01]

Hiya Apollo! My name is Brian! Thank you for sharing your story! Just know you're not alone and that are many people here who want to listen and to help when they can. Don't be afraid to share and just be yourself. We all like you just the way you are If you ever need to share or vent, we're here for ya!

A friend,

Brian

[Apollymae in reply to bridder01]

Thank you. That helps a lot.

[bridder01 in reply to Apollymae]

No worries Apollo! And just know if you want to talk to me, my door's always open

[Marshall64]

I never heard of dysthymia, I wonder if that is what I have. I have had depression for many years and some periods are worse than others.

I get the self worth thing and comparing yourself to others because that is my problem. Whether when it was I played hockey, in a band or at work, I always compared myself to others and saw myself in the worst light. I have been reading books on the subject and it helps a little bit.

Does journaling reveal anything to you?

[Apollymae in reply to Marshall64]

Dysthymia is a version of depression that lasts years. Its milder than Major depression but its a constant always there for years. When you have dysthymia you can have episodes of major depression but you come out of it. I've read a lot of books on it too but I'm also a nurse so I learned about it in school. Most days for me its not bad. I'm able to get up and go about my day without too much problems. Its just every day there is this running commentary in the back of my head saying that I will never be that good or something similar. Its almost living with a song stuck in your head except its a really crappy song that kinda makes you feel horrible. But days like yesterday it all comes crashing down. This facade of being perfectly fine crumbles and everyone can see this mess of thoughts that I'm trying to hide.

For me the comparison started when I was real young. I have an older brother and sister so I always compared myself to them. Then it became everyone else I saw, in school, at work, everywhere. Its hard to reverse that thought process once it becomes automatic. Writing in a journal helps me. I write down all the negative thoughts I have. Then I read over them and try to logically think about them without emotion or context. For example if I have the thought that I will never be as pretty as another girl. At that moment the thought hurts but I write it down. I come back later and try to think about it logically. Of course I won't ever look like her. I am physically different. I have different color hair and eyes and a different bone structure. Then I think about the good parts of myself. The things I'm grateful for. I do love my hair because its thick and soft. So the next time I have the thought that I will never be as beautiful as another girl I can counter that thought with the logic I have already devised and with my happy grateful thought. I just started not to long ago and its a slow process but its working for me.

Sorry about the long reply. This is just the way that I deal. Obviously its a work in progress. Hope it helps you find your happiness.

[Marshall64 in reply to Apollymae]

Your journaling process makes sense. I'm reading a book that deals with replacing negative thought patterns with "truths". Sounds similar in nature to what you are doing.

Hope good things for you too.

[gogogirl]

Well, I have dysthimia also originally but not on meds. Remember we are all people that's the main thing- we are not a diagnosis. Plus I think many people no matter who compare themselves to others. Nobody lives in a vacuum. I have some regrets but I know that I can't go into a time machine.