Not sure how to proceed with anxiety and depression

[WaterMyMind]

I'm 22 years old, I graduated from college in May and I just feel so lost. I've struggled with anxiety and depression for a long time, but I would say that they manifested into real problems by the time I was in late middle school into high school. Every semester, I would go home every day for at least two weeks and sob. The anxiety and depression reinforced each other. It took me a long time to learn how to drive, for example, because I was deathly afraid of it and the feeling of failure fed into the depression. Perhaps I was coddled too much or whatever, but I struggled a whole lot throughout high school. I went to college and went through my first love and breakup all while covid shut everything down. It returned me to the place of feeling like what I was going through was inescapable. I started taking various meds and while some of them did offer some relief, there were side effects and none of them ever made me feel "okay". I really struggled my senior year of college because I wasn't sure I was doing what I wanted to be doing. My degree, I believe, wasn't necessarily a bad choice because it doesn't lock me into a specific career that I am unhappy about but I was still frightened. At that point, I had jobs, but they were either really easy so I didn't try that hard or, for my one retail job, negative enough on my psyche that I actively wanted to get covid during that period so I wouldn't have to go into work. There is still that fear that the full time job will be too much pressure and that that barrier will keep me dependent on others and never really finding my own place in the world. I did a virtual IOP program which did give me some tools, but I had to leave it a bit early due to changes in insurance. Since then, I have been feeling pretty awful again.

It feels like no matter what I do, these feelings just come back. It isn't even just sadness, but it turns me inconsolable. I already have noticed over the years that I experience less joy in the things that I typically like, but in these periods I get absolutely nothing out of enjoyable activities. I also struggle to get things done that I need to (I lose some ability to focus and get tasks done) so it isn't like I am just supplementing for fun activities with important stuff. I know that this feeling won't last forever because I've felt it before and it didn't last forever, but I am just really tired and frustrated that, even after doing an IOP and even after years of therapy that this is something that I deal with still. I want to make changes so that I feel better (yoga, exercise, journaling, therapy, etc.) but sometimes it all just feels useless when I know that at any time because of life events the feelings can return.

Does anyone else relate to this? What do you all do during these periods? Has anyone here been successful so far at reducing the frequency/intensity/duration of these time periods? I'd like to know more about what people have done in similar scenarios, or at the very least know that what I am going through isn't something super unique and incurable.

[TyrSwimmer_Sac]

I can honestly say you are doing what you can with the best knowledge at hand you have available. I can also say you seem to grounded just enough to be functional, though you may feel you are in very bad state. I have gone through and am still in really the state you described. How to get through it all? I think it's really part of life and the finish line isn't as much the goal. How you move along the journey and manage/balance out life is vastly more important. I once heard this quote which always whips around in my head when I am in deep that I learned from History class. "If you are going through Hell, Keep Going" Winston Churchill. I try to perceive that the only finish line is old age, though the depression voice in my head told me I was old at age 10 (It lies a lot).

I had to adopt and accept this because of our similar situations. I too developed anxiety, panic attacks, severe depression growing up. With so so many negative milestones i.e. discovering myself to be gay in a large homophobic family, the suicide of my first love in high school, pedophile priest growing up, and on and on, life is full of negatives. Now a days I find comfort in the small good things that settle my soul and try to anchor myself to them. Small steps, small beginnings, and breaking down hard situation into small puzzle pieces to find solutions enough to move forward. It won't be easy most of the time, but the struggle is easier when it's done with mindful ways. A plus would be someone to lean on. Someone trustworthy. Someone you can call a friend or even better a partner. I myself haven't found that but with hope maybe possibly somewhere somehow. That aside. Reading your post you are on track. I can say that because....ahem, I am older. lol. I still haven't learned to drive. So I can say for certain you have out paced me so far.

I can say you are stronger than you think. Here where you can talk out your pains to a caring audience you can find some peace and perhaps strength to go. Just some of my thoughts anyway. I'll be around if you need someone to listen.

[car103]

Your story in many ways reflects mine at 22. I am now 60. It hasn't been easy (I'm sorry to say.).I wish someone had told me early on that this is something to manage vs having a cure. Back in my day there was huge stigma around mental health. I think you have an advantage that (for the most part) is not the case.

I think it is a lot of trial and error to find what works for you. You probably don't realize how many people deal with this. You aren't alone. Keep at it.

You'll find your way. Do not beat yourself up.

[LoveforAll41]

Hullo WaterMyMind!

As car pointed out, there are a lot of people on this site which I think is heartening and disheartening. Heartening in that they are still working on things and reaching out for support and trying new things, disheartening in that they are not "cured" or "recovered".

I really really really struggle with school because I judge my worth from making money, so I had huge anxiety around school and did not make it through and still don't have a degree. So congrats on that and I am jealous! I think that my depression most often arises from not feeling good enough and that can be from things for me as silly as beating myself up for not eating right, having a nonproductive day of work, or thinking about not having a degree yet ( I am doing online school at 33). This gives me some room to examine stuff and see what I am judging myself as worthless for. That is just my story but maybe you have some similar reasoning. I love Dr David Burns work and his book "Feeling Great". He talks about the good things about our anxieties and self-judgements. For instance, it is great to be anxious about driving! You are taking everyone's lives' in your hands! That will keep you safe and being a safe driver. Then it gets destructive if you can't learn and it hampers your quality of life though. Obviously, there is nothing wrong with not driving if you don't want to. You don't have to have a job using your degree necessarily, and you can always get another 😜. Many places are very understanding of mental health now I think and if you can find a good HR team and a good culture you can likely work anywhere. There is nothing wrong with working as a cashier as a gas station or anything like that either.

I have also been doing ketamine and went to an inpatient treatment center in 2022 after an all-time low. I did well for a while, and have been doing better generally which is great. There are so many things to try, including drugs, but as Dr Burns says "if we can change the way we think we can change the way we feel". I think therapy is the best way to change things and drugs are great to get you in a state where you can slow down and do some processing.

Even just last week I was very depressed and wishing I could quit life after my wife vented about feeling stuck and I take it as a shot at my worth cuz I don't make enough to get a house yet... today I am feeling pretty good though, maybe even great, so it was four rough days and going on four good ones. Not the best stretch but there is good there.

I know it is tiring but when I have a good therapy appointment or read some truth and can see what I am thinking wrong I am energized. I think I have been anxious since childhood from my home life, but it became unmanageable about 17 when I graduated high school so I am going on 16 years here with ups and downs. I have not graduated school, I got a certificate at a tech school, got married, have three kids... and may get a house soon. I have a job where I can hopefully move up when I finish my degree. I think my bad crash in 2022 was actually as I get paid more and more important and work I have more self-pressure.

Sorry for the long response but I wish I could be where I am now mentally in my 20s. I guess I hope I can say that for my 30s when I am in my 40s since I hope to keep learning and growing. I wish you peace, hope, and strength.

[WaterMyMind in reply to LoveforAll41]

I try not to think about the negative aspects of how many people are posting here. I don't mind it being pointed out because it does mean that I am not alone, but I also see that as a potential opportunity for my mind to create a negative scenario in which I use that as evidence that it can't ever get better.

Thank you for your congradulations! My degree is also in tech, but it was in Informatics so a lot more of a generalized field. I think it did teach me how to learn these tech things in a more efficent and quick way. It was a struggle to get through school because I felt like my peers were all finding the things that they wanted to do with their life while I chose what I did because it was the optimal balance between challenge and ease (and also because it doesn't lock you into a job title or field like a teaching degree or something like that). I have done some classes in game design, but I have seen posts talking about how people end up going to the hospital because of the stress of the game design industry, and I am aware enough to know that the field could actually injure me. Plus, I am not really into the whole concept of living for work and being coerced into taking a bunch of extra hours. I guess what I am saying is that you shouldn't feel too bad because I also don't know what I am doing with things and I feel like the best thing I got out of it was the piece of paper that puts me past a filter in job applications.

I'll have to check out that literature!

The driving thing I am working on. I think the IOP has given me the skills to at least be able to go from complete panic to a somewhat manageable state, at least for the car. I plan on practicing more and then relaxing after. I don't really want to do something in retail tbh. I have done that in the past and I feel like there's a lot of stress involved in those jobs to.

I'm just hoping that I can make some serious progress so that I can continue to get better. Thank you for your response!

[LoveforAll41]

That all sounds good! That filter is a good one to get past 😁. I think most jobs just want a paper to see that you can learn then you have to learn most of the things for a job anyway from product manuals and teaching. Best of luck finding something you like☮️