Losing My Mind

I'm new here, and have struggled with Bipolar& Anxiety for 22 years. Been stuck in a deep depression for 2 weeks now. It all began with withdrawing from my Paxil due to my insurance requiring a prior authorization to cover it, and then locking my keys in my vehicle. When I called my boyfriend of 1 1/2 years for a ride I sensed that I was disrupting him and hung up on him, and have not heard from him since. I've tried to contact him and it goes to voicemail, I send text messages and he does not respond to either. This left me to assume that he wants to end things, I did try and catch him at work, and he said he's call but never did. The way he has treated me makes me feel like an animal no one wants and drops off on the side of the side of the road. You would think I cheated on him for goodness sake. Maybe this is what he was waiting for, a reason to break up with me, or maybe he was seeing someone else. I just don't understand it. Perhaps because I told him in a text that I couldn't chase him like always, or make him Love me, or want me in his life that set him off. I don't know, I'll never know. When I tried to reach him at our apartment when he saw me coming he took off on foot, so I felt that was his way of saying it is over. He choose to leave me wondering, won't answer my calls, so I packed my things left the keys and left.

I have not been in this deep of a depression since I was first diagnosed and had to admit myself for treatment. Unfortunately, this is not an option this time as my insurance does not cover inpatient treatment. I am the type of person that is somewhat obsessive about cleanliness, and these days it takes all I have just to shower, and get out of bed. I have a therapist, however she does not take my insurance, and I am at a loss of where to turn. I just want to get past this grief, and move on. I just don't understand how someone who says they love you can just turn their back on you like this, and not even say a word. My Dr. said once that I have issues with trust, I wonder why, when this is how I get treated. I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I don't want to be that way, but how can't I be when this is how I am always treated?

3 Replies

  • Downout, I am so sorry to hear you feeling this way. I was involved with someone who would do this every holiday or if I suggested he do something. He finally broke up for good last year because I didn't go on an interview he wanted me to. He would just walk away. Usually no big argument and then he wouldn't answer his phone or texts. I am coming to terms with it but it took some time. I also became depressed. But I realize now that it's useless to be in a relationship with someone so unreasonable,to put it mildly. Go to therapy as much as you can. Are you on meds? I am but I have been for many years. You don't need an unstable and unreasonable person like that. He won't communicate with you? That is bad behavior. I will pray you feel better soon. Write back and let us know how you're doing.LD

  • Hello downNout22. I feel so bad for you. For all you are going through. I too have been in your situation similar, my partner also decided to be like that at the worse time. We are ok for now but he's not consistent. I am so sorry that ur insurance cannot get u the treatment u deserve. I cannot say I have experience of that as I am in the U.K. And can't believe that people of America can't be treated if not covered must be such a terrible worry. And some people here complain if they have to wait a week for a doctor appointment smh I truly hope u get everything sorted. Let the people here support you and I pray you get through this as quickly as possible. Remember that we are all stronger than we think. Even tho we don't always feel it. Take care. and thinkin of you x

  • Wow! I am glad u are ok. Suddenly stopping Paxil can be dangerous. I am sorry to hear about your former boyfriend. I know me telling you that u are better off without him does not make you feel better, but from what you are saying it doesn't really seem like he was supportive of you. Having the diagnosis of mental health kind of requires us to be with someone who understands the different phases we go through. They may not understand what we are going through, but they are by our side to help in any way they can. From what you said it doesn't seem like he was fully in this relationship and cared for u they way you cared for him. Now you are free to find the one that is right for you. Now you can take time to focus on yourself and working on the things that make you happy. You can also now focus on getting your health back on track so that when another relationship opportunity presents itself you can be in the relationship and know that no matter what happens you will be fine. Getting to really know yourself is big. Once you do that u can become more confident and self- reliant. We can be to needy or standoffish due to our personalities and mental health.

    I understand trust issues. I used to be very trusting until someone decided to take advantage of me sexually while I was at work. This is honestly the nice way of saying things. I was working in a group home for people with disabilities and I was the one who got moved to another house. They made me feel like it was my fault. I was like 19 or 20 when it happened and now at 38 I still worry about having Aids or Hiv. I have been tested numerous time and they have come back negative. He did give me an STD that was able to be cured with medicine. Now I am married to an amazing man for the past 10 years and he tries his hardest to help when my anxiety is bad. He keeps a lot of money issues from me because he knows that I will obsess about it and get more depressed. He takes this burden on even though I have told him to let me take some of the burden off of him so he doesn't hurt his health from worrying to much. He even stayed with me when I had to spend our one year wedding anniversary in an inpatient facility. It takes a strong person to deal with us and u have to find that person who is right for you. They will try their hardest to lift you up and hold you when you are down. Knowing what you need from a partner will help you when another opportunity to be in a relationship presents itself. Weak men are not for us.

    I truly hope that u can find it in yourself to see that you are worth more then being treated the way he did. U need to force yourself to do things for yourself right now. I understand the desire to just curl up and let the world pass u by. That is not healthy mentally or physically. Start by doing one thing that you enjoyed before everything happened. Exercise is a great way to counteract the depression because of the hormones it releases. If u can't be happy within yourself then you won't be able to find happiness with someone else. Take care

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