So far these past few months since the abortion and a month since the break up of a manipulative ex boyfriend. My sense is happiness is slowly coming back to me but it still stuck getting barricaded by pain and anger. He just bugs me how my ex can make me looks like a bad person at the end. I know I should focus more on me but the thought that my ex could be saying cruel things to others about me and not know that he’s the cruel person bugs me. I understand what I did was horrible I feel the pain losing a child. Although how can my ex expect me to raise a child with a father who mentally and physically psychotic. A man who loved me and said to me he wouldn’t hurt me. Though he threaten to cut my fingers and tongue if I didn’t abort the child during Christmas Day.....or tell me how he would take my child away once it’s born or tell me how he wants to find someone happy to have his child....I understand I wasn’t at my best when I was pregnant. I was terrified of my child’s future. I can’t do adoption because I have a sweet heart anything I fall in love with I can’t let go and that baby was part of me , a piece of my happiness. The child was not made with love how my ex would say...because if it was then why leave me a couple weeks after just to start dating someone else and tell me she’s better than me...and then later say how she’s a terrible human being and u regret walking out my life. It’s not the first he walked out of my life. It’s like this loop never ends...and probably what led me to abort the child was the only thing that can end this loop of terror. I will miss his mom. She has the sweetest heart and showed me the love a mother could give but her son was the devil in the making and he treated evryone like they are shit to him and it just discusses me. The whole point of this story is just me trying to clear out my head. I feel that if I let out my feelings. I can be able to clear my mind and start fresh. I know my ex won’t be the last but that feeling that those 2 years felt like hell than love it made me regret the day we started talking. I should’ve known better. They say ex’s come back no matter what...but even if he tried hopefully I have a better mindset to step my foot down and kick him out. I know that I am a great person with the support by those who care and love me and to those who are reading this right now. Hopefully when my happiness comes back I can be Anel to give myself a break and try to focus on what’s important. I know for sure god will give me a man who love me for me and accept me for me. He’s out there I just need to find my path to him. But besides relationships. I want to focus my career and be able to work for space programs such as NASA or space x . Better yet work for companies to create many ideal inventions as in what you see in the Jetsons. Hopefully typing this gives me a clear mindset on what I really should focus on in life and what I should ignore or put to aside for good.
My mind currently ....: So far these... - Anxiety and Depre...
My mind currently ....
DreL23
You have been through a lot...
I’m so sorry for your pain & suffering.
Please try to be gentle with yourself in the healing process & best of luck to you ✨
Thank you so much for the support. Just trying my best to keep my head up and enjoy life peacefully.
Please try to be kind to yourself. You’ve been through a lot of pain and trouble. What things can you do to take good care of yourself?
Its very hard to focus the good things about me. When being with my ex he will always torment me. Say I was gaining a little bit or Im annoying or stupid or immature when we’re only 2 years apart. He doesn’t know what maturity is at all. So hearing words like those hit me back in my head I feel self conscious and don’t like how I look. My ex and others who have degraded me made me feel miserable about who I am as a person.
How much longer are you going to care what your ex thinks?
When you no longer care what he thinks, you’ll be well on the way to recovery.
I’m slowly trying to not care about who he sees about me. It’s just the two years of being manipulative and treated badly had surface over. So a part of me feels that I don’t deserve so much things because of the words my ex left that mark my mind. I’m slowly trying to process and slowly trying to ignore him. I just never felt this miserable about life in general. I’m highschool when I dated my first boyfriend, and having to deal with heartbreak. That hurt but I slowly moved on and still continue life happily but during college with my current ex...I never met someone like him to put so much pain and misery towards me. I really miss the old me. The one who had the brightest personality and always knew how to make others smile. Even though I was depressed since junior year in highschool. I still managed to be happy and grateful. Now...after what everything happened my mind feels blank and empty. It’s so hard to explain. I know he’s an ex and there will be others who will love me...but it’s just the pain he put me through I just wanna him away from me for good. But it’s hard for me to let go when u really loved them.
Hi,
Don't blame yourself for the abortion. The baby would chain you to your ex for your whole life and that life would be miserable as your relationship only would worsen.
You made the best decision you could in this situation.
You are young. You will overcome on this just give yourself some time.
I know I still have a long life ahead of me. I just felt like if I had this child I would be in the loop of terror. Even though he says he will be there a part of me gave me this sixth sense he will do something very bad. He is a bad person. If I list so many things about him you would think I’m an idiot for staying. As a kind hearted person, I just wanted to help him improve. Make his mother smile knowing her son is at his best. He refuses my help and did harm. Now I lost a child who could’ve gave me happiness. And I lost his mom who treated me like the daughter she always wanted. It’s hard to let go to those you cherish the most.
It’s OK to have mixed feelings about the abortion. You were in a horrible situation and you did what you thought best at the time.
It was hard saying goodbye. I still remember the day. I was about to runaway but I just couldn’t hold up what will happen in the future. My ex threaten to cut me , threaten to take my child away who knows what happens next...worst of all I found out recently he put a post saying to keep the money you owe me...your going to get shot this summer...and when I saw that it terrified me so much because I knew this was towards me. I paid him back as much as I could but he said to stop sending more and that he doesn’t care...but what I saw now I’m afraid for my life...wanting to shoot me?? Like it’s making even fear what could’ve happened if I kept the child ....my mind is all over the place
You are most probably right and I think you would also fallout from college because you couldn't expect any support from him.
Helping to improve is a nice thing but you cannot change someone's personality. He is always gonna be like that no matter what he says.
I'm sure he has a lovely mother. Although in my opinion she is at least partly responsible why her son treat you badly. So forget the whole family and move on. I know it's easy to say but you really don't have other options if you don't want to suffer more.
I understand your point of view. It’s very hard to say goodbye. The reason he acted like this wasn’t because his mom..it was his dad. His dad never really saw him as his son so he’s always been bitter with evryone even towards his mom. His poor mother doesn’t know what he had done or said towards me. Before I would ask for help and she would yell at him at my defense telling him he’s being too much but that released the trigger and he went ballistic to me...he went insane and since then I never really well couldn’t asked her for help...it’s suck saying goodbye to such a sweet soul. But it still terrifies me the memories I endure the past two years of the relationship. I just never thought my second relationship I ever been would lead me to a major break down in depression. I’ve been depress since High school but I mange to stay relax but now I break down so easily and always feel empty...
I'm sure his dad has his reasons too...
But everyone has issues and it cannot be an excuse to hurt someone who loves us.
It's normal to get depressed after a breakup. It's not the fun part of a relationship.
Why have you been depressed since High school?
When I was very young I was bullied. And didn’t have any friends but I didn’t realize I was getting bullied. I was so nice to everyone even if they picked at me. It took me till later in middle school when it got worse and I was called the “weird” kid. During highschool puberty struck me really quick and then the bullying still occurred but it was towards friends who I thought were my friends..my first boyfriend even called me some names...plus I had mom issues because she never was around she was always working and I never had a one on one with her and we always fought for eveything. I didn’t realize I was depress till I went to the school councilor. That’s when I found out when I was depressed. My junior year in highschool. I had it ever since but it wasn’t as bad as it was now. It was minor. I cried rarely but always smiled. But after my current ex and who he was and what happened I lost all my happiness and it felt like I was going back in time when I had that mental break down. I’m trying to slowly recover now. Since he is no longer in the picture. Although my personality has changed. I don’t talk as much anymore. I’m very obedient. I’m not the usual self that I was and evryone that love me and care for me questioned me many time and worry about me. It’s not the same anymore
It's natural that people doesn't like it if someone is different. Specially kids. They are too honest (and mean).
Try to think about what is really bothering you. That people didn't accept you or that you are different or the issues with your family.
If you would know the reason then it would be easier to settle it down in yourself.
Your story also explains why you insisted to your ex and his mom. But believe me there are many men who want to find a good-hearted woman like you. And mother-in-law as well.
You'll find someone who will love you as you are.
I never really understood why people see me differently. I’m just unique like everyone else I never understood the issues of me being me. I always hear that I need to change...but for what? Not once have I tell others to change. If I am not saying to change that means I love u for u and care for you as you. I just don’t understand why I get bullied. I get it I listen to Korean pop, I get it I like my Spanish side more than my Italian side. I understand I’m very petite. There’s always a problem for a certain person. Plus I am extra sensitive to emotions. I can get sad easily, happy easily or I get really mad. So hearing negative comments of how I feel or how I am as a person. It makes me feel empty. Like I give everyone my happiness, my support, my heart, everything. Whether it’s a boyfriend, friend or family but there’s most time I get nothing back in return. Everything is becomes negative when they give feedback. I know my ex isn’t the only guy since he’s my second boyfriend I dated...but it’s it’s the aspect of being in this loop for so long and getting attach to easily. It’s difficult to let go. I can see black and white he isn’t the person. This relationship should’ve ended within the moment we first started talking. But I stayed I just never understood why I stayed after the fucked up shit he’s done. I made a big scene in front of my cousins while he was there and he took it like a grudge , then the abortion he took that as grudge. I did two bad things. And I get treated like shit. Even the abortion. He always tells me how he doesn’t want kids now and say he gonna make me abort it....when I got pregnant he threaten to cut me if I didn’t abort it. Then threaten to take the kid away from me. The moment I abort the child I’m a baby killer ? But what gets me more upset..after all the bad things he said to me and all the negative wishes he made to me. He starts asking for sex and there’s time he would text me after the break up for sex. It just angers me. Like what kind a person acts like a braty child. He’s 21 years old and he acts like he’s in highschool still...
You are right. Everyone is unique. I don't know why they see you differently as I don't know you.
If your friends tell you to change then I would think about it. Maybe they are right. If not or you can't change then you have to find new friends.
What do they tell you anyway? How should you change?
You don't really need reason to be bullied. It's enough if they see they can do anything with you.
Hearing negative comments of how you feel or how you are as a person should not make you feel empty. It should make you angry! How can someone blame you because of your feelings? It's ridiculous.
And if they have problem with you as a person then they can make you a favour...
You are not a baby killer. It's his fault that he is an asshole and made you to do this hard decision. Personally I would hate him for it.
If he would love you and support you then everything would go differently.
The fact that he asks you for sex after all this means he doesn't care about you. He just uses you.
I would be surprised if he wouldn't try to cry back himself to you.
Well, every time he leaves me he does cry back. I am not sure about this time. But when we broke up he told me to my face that maybe in the future me and him can work again. I never said I hope so or anything I just never responded back to that question. I feel like he would because he knows how I am and he knows how to pull strings and I’m trying to prevent that from going beyond. Who knows what he could do next. When my friends tell me to change, it’s because I talk a lot or I get into my emotions a lot. They talk about my weight. I understand some people are trying to keep me healthy but just hearing someone say your fat over and over gets in my skin. I think I’m fat but someone people close to me say that I’m not at all. They said that I’m in between but there’s nothing wrong about it but from what I hear from other friends they said I need to drop some weight. Even my own mother said to me so much but she makes it worse by saying no guy will date someone really fat like you. Just negative comments like that gets me feeling down and upset. My current ex boyfriend is not buff and has a belly and I loved him for who he was. He was buff or tall. He was still perfect to me but when it comes to me...he said I need a body with a big ass and smaller boobs...like he said he loves me for me but he complain about how I am most of the time. Just don’t get it
I don't think being emotional or talking a lot is bad. Many people make a living from it. 
Your weight is only your business. If it doesn't bother you and your partner then who cares. But people seems to be quite judgemental around you.
For some reason they are. Even thought you don’t know me. I am not a mean person. Yes I can be a bitch but everyone has a bitchy side. For me I’m kind to others and I’m very friendly. I don’t judge or harm others. There will be people who trust me when they tell me their secrets or personal things I don’t tell anyone about. I’m trusting and caring to evryone. I don’t know if I’m just meeting the wrong people or I’m just doing something wrong. I haven’t had any friends peer pressure me for anything , heck they don’t even want me to drink and smoke...they see me as the baby if the group even though I’m not that young compare to them. They say I have a youth soul, and it’s precious not to ruin that. Although even though they are good friends on certain things. Some of them do make comments about me or behind my back and not think I wouldn’t know from others. I don’t confront it because I am not the one to confront. I just start giving them the cold shoulder. But those types of friends are highschool friends I no longer communicate. I have work and college friends who really don’t care about how you look. They see anyone as a person and make friends through it. That that’s pretty much it.
When I get emotional, I’m mostly crying. I cried to any emotion whether it’s funny , sad , happy or angry I end up in tears. People think I do it for attention but I don’t. Since hearing those comments when I’m about to cry I just walk away and go somewhere quite. That’s how it would be. I don’t want attention at all. I am nothing like that. Yes I cry a lot but that’s how my body works. There’s nothing I can do to prevent it. So it’s an issue that’s hard for me to tell others that’s how who I am. I even tell people when they meet me. I tell them I’m sensitive and I get easily annoying. It’s like a warning label before opening a package.
Probably it's going to be better as you'll have more mature friends. But sometimes you have to confront with people so they can see you are not a weak person.
It's pretty hard to find out how you feel if you cry for everything. 
Have you ever heard of the Silva mind control method? Maybe it would worth a try to get a little control over your emotions.
The Silva mind control...is it safe to use? I’m very religious and I just don’t wanna do something that’s against god even though I did with the abortion 🤦🏻♀️. Well from discovering how the mind works, it states that a brain isn’t fully developed till mid 20s and I’m close to it but I’m still young by a couple years. Hope by then I have a matured mindset and understand the consequences and live my life happily each day
It's basically a meditation. They are gonna guide you to relaxation and to get know yourself better and also to utilise your mind.
I did a course many years ago and it was a great experience. The course was full of old ladies and gents so I can say it's safe.
If you don't like it then you can stop it. It is not a hypnosis.
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