Losing my mind!

[Zeldamarie]

Hey all, I’m new to this site. I needed to reach out bc I feel like I am literally losing my mind. My spouse is currently deployed (we’re half way there) and we still have another 3 months to go. I live with my 4 dogs and all of my family lives far away or has passed away. I have no children and spend a majority of time by myself. I have been feeling physically sick due to my husbands absence and I can’t seem to get myself together for longer than a few weeks. I have bipolar and adhd. I had to quit working when my husband left and I am both paranoid and feel tremendously guilty that he has had to carry the financial burden of our family bc I freakin suck. I feel very lonely and lost. My marriage is wonderful and my husband is very supportive, but I am afraid to tell him how pathetic and stressed I feel without him. I can barely sleep, I haven’t been eating much and I absolutely don’t ever leave my house unless I have to. I don’t know why I am having such difficulty functioning like a normal person. The only thing I can think of is that I have never lived by myself and the periods of time I have spent by myself were quite self destructive. I’m not quite sure what to do or how to change my current situation. I want to be better and feel better and maybe even have some friends to talk to on the daily, but I don’t know how to get from here to there... I can either get a handle on this or be utterly miserable for the next three months and hope my husband still wants to be married to me when he gets back.

[Hidden]

Hi Zelda,

Sorry you've been going through such a rough time. You're obviously NOT crazy or losing your mind, and a good way to know that is if you were, you wouldn't be worried about it -- you wouldn't even be aware of it, so when you start to obsess over that, make sure to say something to yourself like, "it's just anxiety" and then take a few deep breaths and comfort yourself. You're going through a lot and need to talk to yourself like you would a best friend.

Are you on any medication? You mentioned being bipolar. If so, you might need to talk to your doctor about how you've been feeling because obviously something isn't working well there, and if you aren't, it might be something to consider if you feel like you want to. There's absolutely no shame in medication. I have a friend who's bipolar and like you, does okay for a little bit, but then the cycle comes around again and they seem to fall into a hole for a long period.

That sucks your family is so far away and you don't know anyone else there yet. It's good you have your dogs at least, do take comfort in being with them while you're figuring things out. They love you and they care about you being okay. And I understand about not wanting to burden your husband, but I imagine he'd want to know you're feeling this way. If you really feel like you can't open up to him, try to speak to a doctor who can maybe redirect you to a good therapist, that'd be a good place to start. Also reach out to your family if you can as well, even if they can't be there for you in person, hopefully they'll keep in touch with you through phone / text.

I hope things look up for you soon. ❤️

[Zeldamarie in reply to Hidden]

Thank you for the support. To answer your question, no I am not on medication. My husband and I have been trying to conceive. I just recently got my cycle back after not having it for 2 years due to depo injections over the span of 10 years. He will be back in 3 months and I am pretty sure that’s going to be prime baby making time if y’all know what I mean. I am aware that I can take certain medications during pregnancy, but I do not want to risk it. As far as my family is concerned, my father committed suicide when I was 21 and my stepdad died of cirrhosis when I was 25. My mother is alive, but has been dying from alcoholism for the last 10-12 years. We are estranged at this point. I have my aunt I can talk to and my mother in law with a few things. My sister in law has made some disrespectful comments about me stating I am using my husband bc I don’t want to work... so we’re not talking and it has created a huge division in his family. So needless to say, my support system is small.

[TrappedByANarcissist]

Ohhhhh.....please don’t put yourself down!

I’m going through a MAJOR life change, having left my ex. (After 20 years)

He is wealthy and legal-savvy, and he has now moved my one and only child to Florida from NJ.

I NEVER feel at peace, I NEVER feel good enough, WORTHY enough, I’m at “existence level”

[tiredswedge]

I am bipolar and I was on Wellbutrin and anxiety meds for my pregnancy. Everything turned out fine. Wellbutrin might effect nursing, but not anything else for you or a fetus. Even if you don't take antidepressants, anxiety drugs help more than they hurt. Anxiety does a number on us physically as well as psychologically. Please talk to a doctor about it. My experience with the base doctors has been pretty positive. I know your husband is worried about you even without you saying anything. My husband was whenever he was deployed. He needed to know I was taking care of myself, not skipping appts or running out of meds. I don't know how far you are from base or if you are on base, but the military always has good support programs for spouses. They know from years of experience and studies that the deployed personnel function much better if they know their spouse is getting the support they need. Look on the base website as a start. You can do this.

[Mifresita]

I think you should go treat yourself to a spa or go meet some people maybe go meet people at your local library or something. Getting out of the house and doing something for yourself I’d essential!!!! VERY important. Or else you’re just going to get worse

[NWGal]

Sweetie, I suggest you explore bipolar meds that will not affect the development of your anticipated baby. You need to get yourself on track first before having a child. Life changes - like childbirth and a new "being" in your lives will be stressful along with joyous! If you are living close to a military base their may be mental health groups you may want to check out. Good luck and good karma!

[Chanshan]

We are very sensitive people and we don't judge others and generally give lot of space for our spouse. Aren't we peace loving people? Our spouses should be happy that they have us partner instead of one who keeps annoying for everything. We with depression, never bother about small things. You are taking care 4 dogs and that itself should explain how wonderful you are.