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*Trigger warning** I can’t do this anymore

I can’t do this anymore. I’m a ‘recovering’ anorexic. By that, I mean everyone thinks I’m recovering, but it’s only getting worse. I threw myself down some stairs for self harm and now I’m on crutches. But people think I just fell unluckily. My mother is asking me for parenting advice and I’m having to be her counsellor. My fluoxetine isn’t working any more. I just feel so dead and sick and tired of this all, yet I’m stuck. If I kill myself, my parents said they would divorce, which would leave my little sister in a horrible state, and I wouldn’t be there to comfort her. I have nobody to turn to. I don’t know what to do. The only thing I’m holding myself to, is to not eat until I physically can’t do anything. Then, I won’t be able to eat, and it’ll be okay.

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Hi there im so sorry to see that your going through this it must be really hard. I don't have much experience with anorexia but i do with bulimia. I havent suffered but someone dear to me has and i know its not the same thing but is similiar in some ways. What I will say is your actually very brave by writing it on here. As suffering from depression myself I would say the first thing you need to do is go to your doctors if that medication isnt working you may either need a higher dose or a change of medication so that you feel better first and foremost. If you don't feel like talking maybe you can write down feelings and show your doctor. Like you have said you need to be strong for your sister please please please ask for help. Taking your own life wont solve anything. I can totally relate to this part of your post as i took a near fatal overdose last year and all it did was hurt the people i love the most. But i understand where you are coming from you feel like thats your only option at this time. I can tell you now its not your only option you can get help and meds that make you feel better it may take time but people are there to support you. Maybe you can tell a friend or other family member to the way you are feeling and get help from there. I wish you all the best and im always here if u need to talk x

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Stay strong x

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Hi texty89,

Firstly, thanks so much for taking the time to reply- I’m new to this community and I didn’t expect a reply so quickly. I really appreciate it. I’m seeing the mental health specialists once again tomorrow, so I might be able to bring it up then, but ask for my parents not to be present (as I don’t want to worry them or upset them because that then upsets me). To be honest, now that I’ve thought through it properly, the prospect of that seems terrifying for some reason, but if it’s something that needs to be done, then I’m going to try.

I wish you and your dear bulimia sufferer all the very best in the present and future. I’m also here if you ever need to talk.

-SliverofSilver

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Oh im glad well done you! yes its not wrong of you if you want to talk to them alone sometimes its better as like you say you will be more stressed with your parents there but well done for taking the first step hope the app goes alright. Thank you and Good luck x

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You need to discuss you needs with your GP, if you are feeling at risk contact NHS Information on Tel 111 and explain how you are feeling, they can give advice.

Make a double appointment with your GP and write out a list to explain how your life is progressing. Parents can blackmail their children if they feel your unhappy, I am taking on the threat of a Separation and the worry you have regards your younger Sister. So you need to be able to talk with someone who will not judge

BOB

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Hi, thanks for replying! I really appreciate it. I’ve got an appointment with the mental health specialists tomorrow, so that’s a step in the right direction.

Thank you again.

-sliverofsilver

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No it won't be ok coz if you don't eat you will die. Is this what you want? Think of how your poor family would feel if they lost you. How would you feel if you lost one of them like this? Mind you your parents should be ashamed at putting their issues onto you when you need their help instead. When did you stop being their child and become their parent? It is not healthy and they need to find their own solutions. If you can, back away a bit from them. Even if you can't do it physically then do it emotionally. You have more than enough on your plate without their problems! It might seem selfish but concentrate on your own needs and feelings, not other peoples. Don't forget if you are happier and healthier than so are those who love you so stop being such a people pleaser and let them get on with what they want to do. It's not your problem and it's not your fault. Don't fall for guilt tripping or emotional blackmail.

You need to seek help so do it immediately, both on the anorexia and the suicidal thoughts and feelings. Ask your doctor for help and also for counselling. I know it's very hard but you are worth fighting for so fight for yourself. x

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Hi hypercat54,

Thanks for taking the time to reply.

You got it right, I am very much a people pleaser, and have been for my entire life, really. I’m getting counselling from school, but I’ve yet to speak to anyone properly who is a proper mental health specialist. I was told two months ago that I’d see my therapist in three weeks... that of course, didn’t happen. I believe I may be meeting them for the first time tomorrow, though, so that’s a start.

You’re worth fighting for too, and thank you again.

-sliverofsilver

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Aw bless you sweetheart. Many of us with mental health issues are people pleasers and that is part of our issues. We are so desperate to be liked and useful that we ignore our own needs as 'not important' to concentrate on others instead.

The way to recovery teaches you to recognise that your needs and emotions are at least as important as others as only you can fix them. When you are happier you can then concentrate on helping others around you.

Like I said before putting yourself first sometimes is essential and even though it sounds selfish it is the opposite. Also worrying about others and trying to help them is a very common way to avoid dealing with your own problems. x

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You know, I’m not sure I’ve ever met someone who’s as good as well, getting it, as well as you :)

I’m awfully used to explaining things as meticulously and carefully as I can, and then for nobody to understand anyway, so this is just an amazing new experience.

I do agree that I sometimes use helping people to avoid my own problems, but it’s also something that I genuinely just love to do :) I’m a young’un (minimum age for HealthUnlocked), but when I do get older, something I’d like to do is become a counsellor or therapist.

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Ha ha been there and got the b****** t-shirt etc.. That's how I understand so well. I am also old....

:p xx

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I put a post up a while ago on another mental health site saying just that I wanted to run away as was fed up with everyone and everything. Just that. Guess how many responses it got from people who totally understood? Loads. x

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Hi sliverofsilver,

Welcome to our community. I've checked on your profile to see which country you live in, as if you live in the UK there are specific charities that can support you with your anorexia which I can post links to. Also we have a mental health charity called Mind UK, which again has a lot of useful information covering all sorts of aspects of mental health. As you have been encouraged already by our forum members, I would make an appointment to see your doctor as soon as possible to discuss how you are feeling in the thoughts your having. If you are feeling that you want to end your life, then it really is important for you to get urgent professional medical help as soon as possible. Here is a link to our international crisis support helplines: healthunlocked.com/mental-h...

This is a very supportive community, you will find many people here have probably been in a similar situation to yourself, and will share from their personal experiences. But we are no substitute for professional medical advice, we are a peer to peer support forum, so the advice given is shed from personal experience is not necessarily from an expert medical stance.

You will see that I have edited your post title to include a **Trigger warning**. We use this prefix in order to warn and respect other users that the content may cause some folks here who like you are in a vulnerable place, to avoid your post.

Do keep in touch with us we are listening and want to support you as best we can.

Above all stay safe!

Best wishes,

MAS Nurse and Moderator

Beat: beateatingdisorders.org.uk/

NHS Anorexia: nhs.uk/conditions/anorexia/

Anorexia and Bulimia Care UK: anorexiabulimiacare.org.uk/

Mind UK: mind.org.uk/information-sup...

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Hi, thanks for taking the time to reply, I really appreciate it!

Thank you (again) for the warm welcome and all those links.

I will be seeing the mental health specialists tomorrow, and I think I will bring it up with them, although at this point, they’re being less helpful than my school counsellor regarding my emotions. Hopefully things will begin to improve.

Thanks again for replying!

-sliverofsilver

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Hello, so sorry to hear about the difficulties you are facing. Are you receiving support from an eating disorder clinic? With all that is happening in your life you need proper, professional support to help you cope. Take care,

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Hi Sebastian,

Thanks for taking the time to reply! I’ve been referred to an eating disorder clinic and the appropriate tests have been taken (ECG, blood tests etc.) but I’ve yet to see them.

-sliverofsilver

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You probably know this already, but if you are severely underweight, this can have an adverse impact on your cognitive ability in terms of being able to think rationally and logically, and on your decision making processes, and, of course, increasing anxiety and susceptibility to depresssion. The brain like any other part of the body, needs proper nourishment. Sorry if I'm stating the obvious but I didn't realise the full extent of this connection until a close relative suffered an eating disorder and the support received from the clinic was absolutely invaluable in terms of recovery. Take care and all the best to you,

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