Please be nice

[impeaches]

Hi, I hope I can write here without having to think more about why I shared this on this platform. I have had Anxiety since I was 18 and currently this year I am turning 21. Between these years back in 2022 I relapsed because I got r*ed by my then boyfriend’s friend. I had to go through so much traumatic stress because my family blamed me like they blamed me when I got r*ed by my cousin when I was just 10 and he was 18.I never got the feeling or I was never given that support by anyone that I begged for in the past. Which is the reason why I stopped. I stopped telling because my family thinks it is all in my head and I am just overthinking. I never thought last time I relapsed I could get out of it I was heavily on drug abuse but at some point in 2023 beginning I met my current Husband and I left all that behind me. But suddenly I relapsed again because I always felt I brought issues on the table too often or I am too overwhelmed with emotions. But it’s not like my husband doesn’t understand or he makes me feel this way. My anxiety makes me feel that even though he doesn’t say it that it is how he feels. I started my medication again and therapy as well for a month I was on medication then my doctor wanted to see me off medications but on therapy. I never took therapy because I always got that from my husband. But I sometimes feel I put too much in his plate and I don’t want him to get bored of me. My entire life I have lived without my father by my side and though my mother and siblings were there I was always the odd one out. I never got the love and affection I yearned for as a child. Even when I needed it the most instead I was put on blame for not telling. Nowadays it is too hard. I cannot sleep and I cannot have a single meal properly in a day. I have been losing weight and I cannot remember the last time I stepped out of my house. I really do want to get better because these voices in my head make me feel so weak I don’t want to lose to my past. I want to feel like whatever that happened with me was not my fault but how the events occurred always cross my mind and I feel like I am full of negativity. I do actually feel like so because I see the negative aspect in everything. I lay down to sleep and I cannot stop brainstorming about anything and everything. I think I should start my medication again but I don’t want to rely on them and I believe I can do it on my own control my thoughts but mostly I lose to my thoughts. I feel like this will always be a part of me that I can never let go off.

[Dolphin14]

impeaches

Welcome to the community.

You have so much going on may I suggest you try and find a therapist? You said you rely on your husband. I'm sure he is a great support but support and professional help are very different.

It sounds to me like you need a professional to help you process your traumas and how they affected your life.

Wishing you the best

🐬

[wiggity_whack]

I second what Dolphin said. Even if your husband is a trained therapist, he shouldn't be treating a family member. You need to go out and find a professional who doesn't have an intimate relationship with you. I'm sorry your family was so unsupportive. How many people out there are messed up or in therapy because they lost the parental lottery. You might benefit from medication as well.

Best of luck to you!