Trigger warning

[Imaginator997]

I have lost the will to live 100%. I am only here for my family. I have had 10 psychiatric hospitalizations including one state. State hospital was the worst time of my life. I have been on countless drugs. I can’t take the pain anymore. I have felt this way 19 years of my life. I am 19. Everyday I feel worthless like a burden, garbage and useless. I have characters in my head judging me. All my friends not like I had any anyways have moved on with their life. They are either in college or have their drivers license. I’ve had 20 ect treatment. I was never that great in school. I always felt dumb useless and like I’m never going to get anywhere in life. However when I was younger I was able to brush these feelings off more easily. But as I got older I could not cope anymore. I started to think about taking my life in high school. I did better in high school than elementary school. I got honor roll status and a regents diploma at the end of high school. However despite these achievements I am in every aspect of the word failure. Why? I wanted to quit every day and end my life. When I graduated high school I made it a goal to end my life. Now at 19 a year since I graduated I can’t cope anymore. Nothing helps and hospitalizations never helped. Pilgrim state psychiatric hospital was the most miserable experience ever. A month and a half of just walking around doing nothing. I thought when I came out of pilgrim things would be different but not the same thoughts persist. I’m not going to live the rest of my life in a hospital I would rather die. I cannot handle any stress at all. I don’t drive and rely on my parents for everything. I practiced driving for a solid year. During the course of that I dreaded it almost every time. I did not want to learn how to drive anymore. These characters in my head beat me up all the time for my flaws. You see I’ve never had the desire to try in my life. As a result suicidal thoughts plague my mind everyday. I crack under any pressure or stress, I’ve always wanted to avoid things which only eats at me everyday. I’m in every way the definition of a failure. I’ve always wanted to quit. There is no hope for me. I’m only staying alive for my family, but that can only go so far. I’ve attempted suicide several times. My major attempt is when I jumped out the 2nd floor window of my house. Honestly I don’t regret and wish I had died. Every time I get my symptoms I fear I’m going back to a place like Pilgrim Psychiatric Center. That place was dirty food was shit and staff was unprofessional. I would rather die that go back there.

[Hidden]

For some of us it takes courage just to exist. I understand. Ive spent most of my life feeling suicidal and been on Suicide Watch by nurses. I narrowly escaped being commited to psychiatric hospital. Its a very painful existence and you have strength to keep going despite how you feel.

Take one day at a time and aim just to get through today. When tomorrow comes deal with that.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

I want to add too that although I have suffered immensely and wanted to die so badly, that I am doing better now. I am 32 now and with time my pain and despair has reduced. I still suffer at times but not in the same way. It does get better in time.

[SoporRose]

I don’t have any advice, but I am so sorry for your pain and agony. I hope you can hang on. Nineteen is a rough age, especially for someone with despair and profound depression.

If it makes you feel any better, I never got my license either (I’m fifty-seven). I don’t think it means much besides that you’re not alone in not driving.

Keep “talking” here. There are smart and insightful folks on this site who can offer wiser words than mine. But know that we care about you and aren't judging.

Ruth

[Beautifulrainbow]

Hi there, I'm so sorry your in that much pain, and have been for most of your life. I know it's not easy to change your mindset when your feeling this low, but please hang on in there, don't just do it for your family, do it, for yourself. You don't say wether u have siblings that can help you feel much better about yourself. If you do go out, with them, start enjoying their company. And take, each day as it comes. We all care about u and if anytime you want to chat you can pmm. Take care.

[Kainan]

Hey. I'm so sorry all the suffering you're going through and for so long. You're not alone. I felt the same way when I was your age, I'm 28 now. I did the same thing walk around all day and waste time there. I also had those "characters" playing in my head. They would either build me up and I feel really good, or break me down, and I end up crying and staying in bed all day. The point is the imagination at work. Our thoughts are so powerful they affect everything, to how we feel to what we do. Like others mentioned, try to live one day at a time, or even a moment at a time. You have a lot going for you and so much more. At this age it's hard, but you have the strength to keep going. I'm glad you're here. Keep sharing. Keep posting. And keep in touch. Best to you.

Kainan