I don't think I can do this anymore..

[cjacollins]

Hey, a little background on me.. I'm 22 years old and I'm struggling.. I don't want people to think this post is aimed at gaining attention, its more of a way to vent how I've been feeling..

I struggle with everything.. I've received counselling in the past for social anxiety.. which may or may not have helped.. I say this because yes I am now a little more social, (I go out more often with friends now instead of making up excuses at to why I cant go..) but the anxiety still remains.. I also think i'm more than likely depressed..

From an outside perspective I have nothing to be depressed about.. I have a loving family, I have a car of my own I have a job ( more on jobs in a minute) and although I live with my parents, I have a roof over my head..

Great right? Then why is everyday an effort? I literally wake up in for work in the morning not wanting to go.. part of my really wants to just not turn up but then the anxious part of me is too worried about what other people will say, will I get phone calls from my boss? what will my parents say etc.. So i force myself to go to work..

The problem is i have never been very good at anything.. and although I have very bad self esteem issues that's not me putting myself down.. that's just a fact.. Everything I put my hand to I fail at.. it doesn't matter how hard I try or how much effort I put in i just cant do anything to the standard that other people can..

I did well at school and in college but that was mainly down to my teachers.. not my own ability... and anyway qualifications are just paper and don't always translate to the real word.. I could have gone to university but for various reasons, (anxiety, feeling the way I do and knowing that even if i did well I wouldn't do anything noteworthy with my life) so i decided against it..

I don't think I'm really conveying how I feel in the post.. like I literally cant explain to someone how i am feeling.. I wish i could just make someone feel everything I feel just for a moment so that maybe someone could understand.. I know there is no easy fix to this.. I have felt this way for a very long time.. the difference is the older you get the more pressure there is on you to succeed..

In terms of relationships i don't have much luck.. because of my self esteem issues I don't have a very good image of myself.. I was in a relationship for around 5 months a year and a half ago.. that was basically my first girlfriend.. and I was so in love with her.. which I think partly contributed to why we broke up.. plus the fact that she said she only ever went out with me because people told her that she should give me a chance.. so basically she felt sorry for me.. in any event it left me heart broken.. and really didn't help the situation..

in terms of like physical symptoms i have trouble sleeping, i'm tired all of the time and never have any energy, (even if I do sleep well) I always have this horrible feeling the best way I can describe it is grief or guilt.. but its not that exactly if that makes any sense..obviously anxiety plays a part as well..

I've thought of suicide.. but im not suicidal if that makes sense.. obviously I would have done it by now if i wanted to die.. did you know there are websites that tell you the best way to do it ? and how to do it..

I don't want to die.. but equally I cant see myself living like this for the rest of my days.. I'm not religious in anyway and i'm not all that sure that there is an afterlife.. but an eternity of not existing has to be better than a lifetime of existing like this? especially when I can only see it getting worse.. Oddly this is me writing this on a good day..

The reasons I haven't killed myself is because I know it would destroy my parents.. and i know there is no easy way out.. and I don't know if I have the courage to make that leap knowing it will hurt..

people say suicide is selfish.. I don' see it that way. Is it not more selfish to make someone who is obviously so unhappy that they would consider no longer existing, to survive in their own personal hell?

Any way i'm sorry for dragging on.. I don't really know what i intend to get out of this.. even if no-one replies at least I could vent a bit I suppose..

[blossomgirl]

Hi I feel identical. Check my other posts. I'm waiting to get better. Been 30 years of this for me but at the moment worst ever. Constant doubt, grief, depression, crying and panic. Want it to end but not die. But this is not living. No one around me understands what's happening in my mind and body all the time. You can talk to me if u want. Together we can beat this 😉this

[cjacollins in reply to blossomgirl]

Hey! I will check your posts out now! And that would be nice! Yeah I feel exactly the same ! In no way do I want to die but I just can't get over this hurdle.. I have good days but I always get back to this point..

I suppose we can't expect anyone to understand what's going on in our minds if we don't even really understand it our self..

It's tricky because I don't really fit in or comply with society .. I struggle with the most basic things.. but there's no room in this world for people like that.. you have to get up, you have to go to work, you have to be some sort of success and bring money home.. otherwise society wouldn't work..

Anyway, I hope you are okay 😊

[Tkg1971 in reply to blossomgirl]

It gets old making excuses and when no one understands its so frustrating. It feels like people think you are a big, whiney baby. I wish there was a pill that could be prescribed to get your motivation back!

[cjacollins in reply to Tkg1971]

Exactly ! People don't see what goes on In your head.. so they just presume you are having a moan.. that's partly why I joined this forum.. just to have somewhere to vent..

[sweetiepye]

Hello cjacollins, It needs to be said that you should see a Doctor to eliminate anything physical and to have access to medication if you decide to go that way. I have a good idea of how you are feeling as I have been through this and it started in my twenties. I was terrified, I had two babies and I was so afraid I wouldn't be able to care for them. It got so bad I couldn't leave my house. At some point, I knew I would live my whole life like that , or fight it. I chose the latter . I saw a gp and he gave me enough valium for 6 mo. That let me start to calm down. Then I went into therapy and was put on anti depressants.. Therapy lasted about 2 yrs. In the mean time I went to university. I needed to work on my self esteem because I had none. All of this did the trick for me, but it was hard and it took more courage that I knew I had. One of the most important things I learned was no one can do it for you. Don't be over whelmed, one thing at a time. Live your life, it's a gift. Pam

[cjacollins in reply to sweetiepye]

Hi Pam, thank you so much for your reply !

You are completely right of course.. I have been counselling previously for social anxiety, (only because my mum was worried about me.. I was in a bad way and she forced me to go to the doctors, who then referred me).. i just am not sure that counselling is going to solve these issues.. and ironically things like this play my anxiety up.. maybe I am just making excuses for myself i don't know.. but yes I need to do something..

I'm glad you have managed to change things for yourself! I am sure it's no easy feat.. can I ask how you found taking medication? If it was offered to me i'd like to know some first hand experience.. I've heard it can have some undesirable side effects ? Although to be fair, at the moment i'm often distant and like a zombie so i suppose I would have nothing to lose.

if you wouldn't mind would you be able to give me a brief overview of the therapy that took place? Was is like cognitive behavioral therapy? Because this is what I have received in the past..

[sweetiepye in reply to cjacollins]

I doubt anyone knew I was on meds and it didn't affect my ability to learn. It helps to manage the fear and the depression. It can take weeks to find the right medicine for you. If you're having symptoms from medicine then you need to try something else. Therapy can be hard at first because you're discussing the very issues that are bothering you. My therapy was sort of tailor made. First I needed to learn how to start doing things again, how to work through a panic attack etc. Then it became what was on my mind, could be today or 10 yrs. ago..I had some childhood things I hadn't dealt with.. I also had a therapist who wouldn't let me deceive myself. Some days you plod through and others you are enlightened.

[cjacollins in reply to sweetiepye]

Thank you so much for your input ! Its greatly appreciated

[sweetiepye in reply to cjacollins]

Any time

[Journeywithoutmaps]

Dude, I feel you man, you're an articulate chap by the way. I like the heart and honesty in your post. I don't need to say too much but I'm in with sweetiepye, who seems like a bloody legend.

I was just diagnosed with BPD and man I've felt weird, like super weird all my life. I just received medication and for me, wow, back in the game brother. When I went to the psyche I was thinking 'man this is going to be hard', this guy nailed it and then gave me the medication I needed.

I have been feeling so much better and couldn't believe I have lived in so much pain for so long.

So what am I saying?

Awesome post, truthful, open, honest, clear and I just feel like you should see your doctor and a specialist and talk it through dude. If you respond to treatment like I have you'll think it's crazy you've been living a less fulfilled life than it could be. That's how it has been for me.

Take your time man but know there's support out there, lots of different types and some of it will help brother.

Stay strong, keep us updated and live long and prosper.

Be excellent to each other

Journeywithoutmaps.

[cjacollins in reply to Journeywithoutmaps]

Thank you! I really just wanted to convey how I've been feeling into words.. I'm not sure I have totally done that but it's a start..

I really like your optimism, and hope that is something I can learn to have. At the moment I'm not really living life.. I get stressed out by things that shouldn't stress me out, or at least doesn't affect other people. and I generally just feel not good enough.. but that is just based on the experiences in my life so far..

I'm glad the medication is working for you ! It must be such a relief/breath of fresh air to finally be able to experience life!

You are right, I should go and talk to someone ! Thank you for all your help

[sweetiepye]

I am a legend, in my own mind.LOL. Listen if I can do it absolutely anyone can

[Tkg1971]

I know how you feel. You don't feel happines. I use to feel that way. Its gotten a little better since I've been diagnosed with hypothyroidism and i take meds for it, but i can relate. I just wanted you to know that your not alone. Get blood work done, that's a start. And get a copy of it and look at it and do some research. Sometimes you have to take your health into your own hands. Good luck

[cjacollins in reply to Tkg1971]

Yeah that is exactly it ! It's like how are you supposed to pick your self back up when it feels like the world is weighing you down ? That's a good point about getting bloods taken!

[Tkg1971 in reply to cjacollins]

Getting your blood taken its a start. There has to be a reason why we feel this way and others don't. We just can't give up looking for the answers. One day we will find the reason and life will be good. Never give up!

[Blacksheep123]

Hey! It's been a year. Can I please get an update. I'm sorta like you with depression and anxiety. I'm really having a hard time and would love to hear what is going on with you. I can't seem to get things right even if I try so hard. Please help. Anything would be appreciated.

[Children77]

I'm not sure how old this post is but if u haven't had help yet maybe I can help. If u consider the bible eternity does exist and comparable of course time on earth is short. Its supposed to be tough because if this is your training period u don't want to go thru eternity being wimpy. I know it sounds harsh but life is tough its basic training. Think about it and read your kjv bible. With understanding from Dorothy