**Trigger Warning**: Suicide

11 months ago today my world came crashing down

One of the most beautiful and important people in my life committed suicide

I think constantly about her, about how beautiful her smile was, how kind, caring and amazing she was. And the advice she would give would either help or it wouldn't either way she could fix the problem or make it better by being so amazing.

I don't think many people are aware. But I was in love with her, I still love her.

We use to flirt a lot, and just have so much fun.

And nearly everyday I think to myself "What would have happened if I actually made a move to be with her. Would she still be here?". "What could I have done different to help her?".

I believe the pain of loosing someone to suicide is a different kind of grief to any other loss.

Everyday I wish I could be with her, be up there all content and with that beautiful smile!

[fauxartist]

I think with everyone who survives there is always the 'what if's'....some of it manifests in survivor guilt, or regrets....only if's , could haves, should haves.....the finality is so harsh. And you do have to go through all the stages of grief to let go without thinking you have to let go of their memory. Otherwise I think we stay stuck....and don't allow ourselves to move forward. Our loved ones who have passed are at peace, and we may never know or understand why they took that final step....but what we can do for them is live our lives.

[Hidden in reply to fauxartist]

yeah, I just need to get to that point of letting go of that guilt

[Stilltrying_]

So sad to hear about this. I have never experienced anyone committing suicide but I have a friend who seriously tried and wished to die. It has left me in a terrible state and wanting to do it myself sometimes; though I was pretty bad before.I went through a brief stage when I met her of feeling great and trying to help her and the friendship with her gave me a security I had not had before; which I feel is now lost as she has tried and wanted to go and so I can never be sure of her again. Someone attempting is bad enough; in your case I can well understand the feelings of loss and devastation and wanting to be with her.

I think Faux's reply is a good one.. You will never forget her and also you will never know why she finally decided to take that action. It is lovely that you honour her memory but she almost definately wouldn't want you to be feeling suicidal yourself because of her. I speak as someone who is suicidal myself. The suffering and desperation is immense. I am "holding out" for a number of reasons, one of them being fear and another is obligation but my circumstances are no doubt different to hers as we are all different. I am just very desperate but trying and certainly wouldn't wish to cause pain to anyone if i did go though I have to understand that unfortunately it would.

Sorry my reply isn't great. I think Faux said it all really; better reply than mine but just wanted you to know you'd been heard.

Gemma xx

[Hidden in reply to Stilltrying_]

Your reply is spot on.

thank you so much, a lot of what you said is how I feel.

[Hidden]

That’s absolutely horrible. I’m sorry to hear that you went through that. It makes me sad thinking about it, because I’ve tried to kill myself too. Just speaking as a girl who tried to do that herself, I don’t know if you could’ve stopped it. It’s hard to say. Please just know it’s not your fault. <3

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

I'm sorry you have tried. I hope you are doing better these days.

I have had constant suicidal thoughts for a matter of years.

It's a total different level on the other side after loosing someone to suicide.

But I don't wish either side of it on anyone.

[emparedados in reply to Hidden]

This is literally the reason I haven't yet, I'm scared of causing others pain. If she was hurting enough to go through with it then there is very little you could have done. Being her friend and being someone she could help and support more than likely helped her more than you know.

She was at least your friend and most a partner from the sounds of your post - her passing isn't your fault, she felt it was her time. Its caused you pain but try to think of the good times and the laughs you shared with her and the love she felt from you. That stuff matters bud. Honour her with those happy memories

[Hidden in reply to emparedados]

thank you

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

I’m sorry you’ve even thought about it. It’s a struggle for me everyday. I just try to take each day as it comes, & as long as I make it to the next day, I’ve accomplished something. Thank you for wishing better for me, I hope you’re doing better too. <3

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

thank you

[MAS_Nurse]

Hi jseex,

I've just edited your post title to include ' ** Trigger Warning** just to make really clear to vulnerable folks to avoid your post if necessary.

It must be really hard losing someone so dear to you to suicide. Whether you had been there or not, and wondering if you could have done something are questions you will never know the answers too. It is unlikely that you could have prevented this happening if she was determined to go through with it. So don't beat yourself up with guilt, it will not be helpful for you. Take a look at this information from Mind UK mental health charity:

Suicidal feelings:

mind.org.uk/information-sup...

Supporting someone who feels suicidal:

mind.org.uk/information-sup...

Survivors of Bereavement by Suicide: uksobs.org/

Australian Crisis support helplines:

shawmindfoundation.org/supp...

shawmindfoundation.org/wp-c...

We are listening and many folks will have felt like you, so please keep in touch with us.

Take care and stay safe!

Best wishes,

MAS Nurse

[Hidden in reply to MAS_Nurse]

thank you