Literally had enough

[Incomplete]

Again, I am here again. One day, I swear I will bore you.

So why am I here? Yesterday I got offered surgery, to try and help my vision. The chances are it will do nothing, and there's a risk I will lose my vision completely for the small chance it will get better enough to make a noticeable difference. Here's the thing. I agreed to the surgery, signed the consent forms, etc. Yet I feel I was pressured, by my mother.

Recently I have felt... well I think it's obvious how I felt. Absolutely rubbish. Every time I have felt that it was as close as it could come to me doing something other people might regret, but this time, I literally feel I have no choice.

I want to escape, but I can't.

I need something, just something to keep me alive. There is literally nothing. I feel I am mocked and ridiculed, I feel no one actually wants to help me. I feel I am abused. I feel I am scared. I feel...

I don't actually think I even feel anymore.

What should I do? I try get help but people just turn me away. i'm not severe enough. i don't want doctors involved, I don't want therapists. I don't want charities. I just honestly... I am at breaking point.

[Photogeek]

Hi there I am not sure I understand your Post, surely no Dr. Would undertake surgery on your vision unless it was going to improve things, that part makes no sense to me. What's wrong with your vision?

Now you are an adult and you say you don't want Drs or Counsellors near you, yet you say everyone is ignoring you. You need to go back to your GP and ask for help, how can you get help,if you won't let anyone help you.

I'm puzzled by your Post , are you suffering from Depression ? Or have I misunderstood you totally, or have you ever been treated for Depression. I find it hard to know what to say as I don't see clearly if your problem is the surgery or something else . I just want you to know I have read your Post, if you go to any Dr. With genuine concerns they will not ignore you, so please do that, otherwise how can you make progress?

Hannah

[Incomplete in reply to Photogeek]

My vision is congenital cataracts. At the back of the eye. They have to remove a lot of the eye to get to it to remove it, and they say my optic nerve isn't properly developed. So there is a small chance my vision will improve, a chance it will get worse and a large chance it will stay the same. This whole affair has then triggered what was already a pretty bad depressive episode and made it worse

I suffer from borderline personality disorder. A huge aspect of which is depression. They've put me on mirtazipine. It's rubbish, but they cannot change me onto anything else because I have a heart condition. It's therapy resistent. So literally, they just kind of say 'it will pass'. I have been in and out of therapy for 10 years. Nothing has touched it. I have told the GP multiple times now. He just sort of nods and goes 'you're on the highest dose I can give you, go home and get some rest'. Cause it's that simple?

[Photogeek in reply to Incomplete]

Ah that must be very hard, try and stick with us here and we will do our best to support you, having a Forum here can help, because at least people here understand where your coming from.

I hope you begin to feel a little bit better soon, at least you have reached out here, so well done for that.

Hannah

[Robertt in reply to Incomplete]

I also have a heart condition and i am also on Mirtazipine but have also been on Amitriptyline among others. I don't understand " therapy resistant " Try a different doctor as your present one seems have washed his hands of you. There are still plenty of people out there that will help, Don't give in and find a doctor that cares you are not an isolated case, make use of your councils health care ask your doc to arrange an appointment i did and had 6 sessions, just talking can help

[Hidden]

Hi I am sorry you are going through such a tough time, it can't be easy for you. You say you don't want doctors, therapists etc, so who do you want to help you? Who have you been asking for help from? Professionals or loved ones? If it is the former well counselling might be able to help you - have you tried it?

Look there is no magic wand to wave and hey bingo you are cured of your depression. You have 4 choices

1. Take meds

2. Seek counselling

3. Do nothing

4. Try the holistic approach

If you don't want 1 and 2, and you can't do no. 3 then that only leaves the holistic approach doesn't it? Have you tried this route?

You have to decide whether you want life to make you or break you - your choice. I faced this decision back in my 20's and I chose life, with suicide on the back burner as a comfort blanket. My loved ones either didn't care enough about me to help or they didn't know how to and I am still not sure which is was to this day. Maybe your loved ones are like mine? You can't expect others to be able to help you - hope yes, but expect no.

The decision I made was to give myself every chance to survive and if not get happiness at least enable me to get through the years. Along the way I did/do find some happiness. I am 80% pleased I took that decision. x