Have decided to post this as people on this site may be looking through information and reading posts to try and understand how they are feeling (I know I did) For years and years I just felt I was just suffering from depression for no reason and that I was weak and it was "my fault" that I was like this. It was then suggested that I had borderline personality as the depression and suicidal feelings and the feeling of "just not being enough" went on and on.
I do not believe I have borderline personality. I believe I am the victim of someone with narcissistic personality and that is different. There is not much mention of narcissism on the site ,but I certainly believe that in my case that my false beliefs about myself, in fact the whole of the way I feel (or don't feel) and think and behave can be explained almost in one by reading up about narcissism and the effects that this can have on children.
I understand that everyone on here is different and I am not suggesting for one minute that this will "fit" everyone's situation, but it does fit mine and it has taken me a very long time to fully believe it; so if you're wondering "am I weak" "why do I sometimes feel that there is not enough of me?" " why do I sometimes feel like I don't exist?" " I am bad" "I am wrong" " I am a big mistake and damned" "I am trapped; I can't get out of who I am and its bad" "I upset people"
Or if you are constantly monitoring how other people feel and are acutely tuned into how they feel but not tuned into how you yourself feel. Or you are constantly afraid of "upsetting" people just by making a remark, get confused and feel guilty if you talk to someone that person knows and they don't know about it; like you will really be punished. Or sometimes feel you go out of your way to help them because the narcissistic parent is desperate and then when they are ok again they minimize the whole thing and completely dismiss you; you just feel confused like its all within you and they've done nothing, but they have; they have manipulated you.
Point I want to make is that some "depression" may be the result of things like this. When we realise what it is it can help. I looked up about the "compliant response" to a narcissistic parent and it completely fits. The feeling of "not being enough" is true in that they never allowed you to be yourself and that you parented them when you needed parenting. (it is called parentification) However "not being enough" is not a fault but an indicator for taking action to help yourself.
I am starting to believe that I am nice and not bad. (I was never bad) I will continue to be nice but will set boundaries with some people who take advantage of that. A lot of people comment that I "keep things in" or am "very self controlled". I believe I have learned to do this and learned to minimize everything, learned not to overshadow or provoke rage (the slightest thing can provoke rage). I realise that this was just the situation at the time and I can start to be more myself with other people and take more risks.
Reason why I am posting. If you are depressed and have been depressed for a long time is it possible that a parent you think you admire and is strong is actually damaging you in some way? It may not be deliberate on their part. They can't help it; they have a personality disorder which means they don't see you as an individual which is why you don't feel like an individual as they've never allowed you to develop. We feel we are bad for being normal and having normal needs. Is it really you??????