Mental Health Support

Very tearful had enough

I’m a 71 male and disabled I’ve been housebound since Sept 2017 I’ve so many ailments I can’t take anymore,I’m tearful,tired and sleep a lot. I’m married no children my wife is always saying” what you crying for” the truth is I just want to end it I’ve simply had enough,my wife loves our little dog more than me and when I tell her this she says” don’t be silly she’s only a dog she never asked to be brought here” and my wife never gives me a cuddle anymore and this year is our 50th year of marriage.Everytime I talk about money she says here we go again yet she has so much each week,she never makes homemade food always out of tins. Christmasjust go e I spent over £100 on her she spent £25 on me,ido t mind that it’s my health that’s getting me down I can’t walk I have to use a walker and a commode of a night. I get up and sit in this chair and that’s all I do I’m frightened to drive and yet got a new car in the drive. I don’t know what’s wrong with me and if I say to my wife “ I’m so tired she comes back at me saying” you’ve done nothing” I tell her I’ve had enough “ grow up she says” I’m always wrong in her eyes yet the little dog isn’t. I’ve just had enough and all my woes,my heart,arthritis,spinal stenosis,hernia,stiff neck,headaches ,sicatic a it’s got too much I’m just crying and have no engery,and this morning the wife said when the doctor comes round I’m having you put away for a while. Yet I’ve stood by her with the breast cancer and carcimona and now another. I’ve stayed loyal to her and haven’t strayed despite her going off sex in 2005 with this breast cancer I’ve tried so hard to be normal but my disability has got the better of me.

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It saddens me to hear that you are in such despair and without support from your partner of nearly 50 years. Please check the Pinned Posts and make a call to one of the Crisis Supports for an answer that will not involve ending your life.

Reach out, help is out there!

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Afternoon David - Wishing you some peace and strength for today. It sounds mentally exhausting everything that you have spoken about is of such importance I am truly sorry to hear of your struggles. I hope you can still see the importance of you making it this far - Only you could have done it.

Stay strong David try and find peace within yourself everything you are going through has a higher purpose that is impossible to see or understand but know that I am sure you have helped MANY others throughout your life with and without realizing it... Your struggles and victories will continue to help others in ways you cannot and will not see.

Be strong for you yourself first David because that gives the rest of us hope and strength to do the same when facing such battles. Please keep in touch if you need to the world needs strong souls like you so hang in there!

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Hello Davidok ,

Thank you for sharing your feeling.

Have you got any other relatives or friends you could share your worries with? Sometimes our partners think they are helping with criticism?

This forum is an excellent place to share things that we are feeling but feel unable to share with our loved ones? You are not alone .

Please take care of yourself .

Best wishes xx

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Hello David , Glad you found us, as you can see you'll get plenty of support here. I am in a similar situation. My husband is not very sympathetic , but mostly it's because he has never been ill and has the idea that if I tried hard enough I could over come some of my issues. If only. I have tried talking to him and explaining how fatigued I am and also depressed because after all I have lost my normal way of life. Of course his attitude made things harder for me and I felt so alone. I started talking to my Doctor about this and he agreed to speak to my husband. He told him how difficult my life is and what I can expect in the future , meaning that I will have a better future if I have support and less stress now. Things are better we're working more as a team . I only ask him to do what absolutely is necessary and I encourage him to take days off from me. It's helped. I admit I've had to lower my standards a bit but it's better to have a happy spouse

Now this is a tricky bit, I don't want to insult you, but it needs to be said. People with chronic illnesses can be chronic complainers and that's not much fun for others. If you think this might be something you do, you can turn it around by asking your wife how she is and focusing on her for awhile.

One more thing bothers me and that is comparing the price of gifts given. That negates the whole idea behind gifts. It speaks to an ungenerous heart and makes me think your wife probably is feeling as badly as you are. Kindness David. No matter how ill you might be you can always be kind. This is sent to you with kindness intended. Pam

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Your kindness is very much appreciated. David

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Davidok - I am sorry your at your wits end here...but so much of this is reliant on your wife's behaviour...is her love for the dog so much of a comparison or has she aged untroubled and you have ended up with the ailments and disability mentioned above!?

Your wife has no control over any of this, you are pushing the issue because you are clearly struggling and hate what has happened...we all do it.

Go and get professional help and support outside of your wife's abilities...in other words give her space, give yourself space.

And do you know what, start loving the dog like your wife does, there is method in the madness here.

All the best

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Hi Davidok ,

Have you got a good relationship with you Gp? Have you considered talking to your doctor about how isolated and fed up you feel? Especially now your health is impacting on your ability to do the things you like to do, and is undermining your confidence and sense of well being?

You are normal. You have every right to feel fed up and and tied down by your health restrictions?

Your wife is probably fully aware how much you are struggling physically but may be hoping to keep you going as usual? It is hard to imagine our partners suffering with low mood and depression.

It can also be incredibly painful to tell our nearest and dearest just how low we feel? Perhaps it would be a good starting point to talk to your doctor?

One option is arranging to talk through your health worries and feelings with a counsellor? You can ask your Gp? Talking things over with a stranger can give a fresh perspective and sometimes just acknowledging fears can bring relief ?

It is a very normal and human reaction to be anxious and sad when we have a long term illness. There is no shame in asking for help?

Be kind to yourself and your wife. Living with restriction and pain is hard?

Whatever age we are? We are all young at heart and deserve help.

Please take care of yourself xx

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Thankyou for your lovely reply I will be ok.

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I disagree with spzgirl, your wife completely knows you...after 50 years who wouldn't.

No excuses here, your wife cannot say right from wrong in your current state of mind. No ones to blame, perhaps you can both work at it, perhaps that the solution

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Thankyou to you all,my doctor came out yesterday and I just broke down and sobbed my heart out literally and my wife was in the room listening. Nothing was said all afternoon and I went to bed thinking I,ll be ok but I got up at 6pm and I couldn’t hold it and again I went back to bed till 7am this morning. I’m still tense as in the bathroom my wife said something and I had a tear again and I spoke with the doctor she said one step at a time and it’s not too bad but I have this terrible headache again this morning with my eyes so tired and my other ailments hurting.

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I understand. It may be difficult to go after such a long marriage but this is a different stage in your life and you deserve to be as happy as you can be and learn different ways to adjust your life style to fit your new needs and that means emotionally as well as physically. Take some time when you have time to so think comfortably focusing on you and only you to consider taking a look at some senior facilities. If your decide to take a look be sure to speak to your doctor to help guide you on this new part of your life. You can do some of your on research online from home n that can be exciting. I understand none of want to leave our home or even go through such major change but I know from first hand experience that for many of us it's exactly what is needed to get the most from life. Being truly cared for and understood is something everyone needs. Best of Luck.

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Davidok , this sounds really challenging. It sounds like your wife is struggling to cope for reasons I can't know but don't let that make you feel like you're not worth something. You deserve a happy, fulfilling life and there is help available in the UK for disabled people to be able to attain that. Maybe some councilling, or a support worker? Counselling for you and your wife together might be something worth thinking about, to air your grievances with a mediator.

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