Finally had a job promotion..

[CJ2016]

Granted i have been there a year and a half,and i have worked like a mad man(yes even on my bad day's,it's kind of funny,because i actually find work a good distraction,even though some consider work a pain or a hinderance)

Anyway so yeah finally had the promotion i have been waiting 5 month's for ,but now that i have it,i actually don't feel anything in regard's to getting it,i would of thought it would of made me a little excited at least or happy,or chuffed,or anything,but nope nothing.

I know it mean's i will have more on my plate in term's of being responsible somewhat for other people in my work place,a part of me is kind of trying to pick something out to worry about in my head,be it any nerves in performing well enough in the job etc etc.

But again,nothing,it's kind of bugging me to a degree,because it has the same type of feeling of being num but not exactly like that feeling(when i had the feeling of being num for 2/3 days,that's when the cutting started) well this feel's different to that,but i am not feeling many/any/not sure emotion's,and have not been for about 2 weeks maybe.

It's actually hard to explain,i have a few thing's going on around me at the moment,that should actually be stressing me out more but they are not,i have been cutting a little less,but the amount of cut's that i do cut has increased.

So it's basically gone from cutting nearly everyday to cutting maybe twice 3 times a week maybe less,which is an improvement i feel,but still,i don't know,it's just strange,hard to explain really.

Anyway just had to get this thought off my chest/out of my brain,maybe i should start putting dear diary at the start of these post's(only joking on that last part) but yeah....

[Olderal]

Well CJ,you may not feel like celebrating but I'm going to say well done. You have posted before of some of your problems and you should have a lot of pride in continuing to work and doing well enough to achieve promotion.

Your previous posts have indicated that you have been reluctant to see a doctor. Most of us on this forum have problems and all are different but very few have the inner strength to cope with those problems as you seem to be doing without medical help. Doctors and psychiatrists can only rarely cure the problems we have but they are able to give some of the help we need. Just as posting your problems seems to help (at least I hope so ) it may help even more to find the courage to discuss these face to face with a doctor. Just discussing them will help,on top of which,you will receive additional help with your problems as therapy and maybe prescriptions. Your previous posts and your keeping in work show you have great courage and resolution when you put your mind to something and I'm sure you can find the courage and resolution to visit a doctor with your problems. Don't expect instant cures or miracles but surely any help will be welcome, and free up more of your inner strength for a more enjoyable life.

I don't understand the cutting and self harm as I've never felt that temptation, but again I do feel that discussing this with a doctor will lead to you understanding more as to why, and this can only help in fighting it yourself. I can understand any reluctance to do this . I'm male ,pretty old ,and was brought up with a deep belief that "real men" sort their own problems. Despite this I sort medical help as I believed I should leave no stone unturned in seeking help , partly for my sake but also for those around me, some of whom depended on me. From that point of view seeking medicl help is partly a sefless action.

Meanwhile congratulations again on what you've achieved at work.

Olderal

[CJ2016 in reply to Olderal]

Hey Olderal thank's for the reply,and yeah i would agree(as pretty much everyone that i know around me would also agree) my stubbornness is my best and worst trait of who i am.

I treat work to a degree like i did when i was working out 4 times a week,in that i push my self,i challenge my self in how fast i can get something done etc etc,it's basically a case of the urge of having a bit of a buzz i guess,just working at a crazy speed not having time to think about everything else but just thinking in the moment.

The promotion really could not of come at a better time though,because i have a lot of debt to clear thank's to some previous month's of going on a bit of a cash splurge(7K+) to clear.

And yeah my reluctance to go to the Dr's i guess would annoy a lot of people on here,but posting on here does help,it get's what's on my mind out of my mind,and it gives my brain some breathing space i suppose you could say.

I feel i have hit the top of the mountain as well as fallen back down it,and i guess im slowly dragging my way back up it again,i don't feel as bad as i have done in the past,i know the cutting would make some people think differently,but i know for now i have controlled it to a degree.

I know what i am doing when i am doing it,sometimes the urge to keep cutting after a few cut's is there,the urge to cut deeper has been there,but i resist all those urges.

I guess the cutting to a degree started as a punishment to my self in me thinking i deserved it after letting all my hard work the previous months i.e working out 4 times a week clean eating etc etc,rot away into nothingness,and i beat my self up about that still do to a degree.

I hope that if i feel i am getting worse,then i just hope i can find that courage to actually seek help,the funny thing is,what would worry me more then anything is other people(close to me i.e parents etc) findinding out about all of this(even at my age(29) i just don't want them to worry.

They have their own problem's with my father having MS my mother needing a pace maker and suffering from severe heart faliure,the last thing either of them need to worry about is me,they just need to concentrate on them self's.

And that's what i have done since leaving college is basically take over from my father in regard's to getting the DIY in the house done,taking them both to appointment's etc.

To put it bluntly,i do not worry about my own demise,but of those that i care about which has always been the case.

[Olderal in reply to CJ2016]

Hello again CJ, thanks for your reply. I said that seeking medical help would be a selfless act. Firstly the doctor would totally respect your confidence so unless you tell someone no one else will get to know.

Secondly, I believe that if posting anonymously helps then having the courage to discuss it openly with a GP may help even more. Even if you are unlucky in your GP and they are of little help , knowing that you have taken another positive step to start helping yourself will in itself make you feel you are doing all you can. All humans hate feeling helpless and doing something positive always helps.

Any help the medics give will be extra help you don't have to find within yourself and should leave you stronger to provide your parents and those around you with maybe a little more help. It should make you even stronger and appear that way to those around you. As I say you should regard it as a selfless act.

Olderal

[CJ2016 in reply to Olderal]

Hey Olderal to be honest the best thing about being on here and talking about your problem's is that nobody is actually looking at you, as you speak to them in a judgemental way.

I mean it bug's me/irritates me at the best of time's when i feel like someone is stareing at me,call it paranoia or whatever,but it makes me want to grab them and shake them.

I am not trying to come up with any excuses for not going(or maybe i am) i am just honestly saying it how i see it,i mean there are weeks or month's where i feel i could be sitting there and be asked what is it that i am there for.

And honestly i would feel like i am lying if i turned around and said i was feeling this that or the other,when my actual mood at that moment is fine.

I mean i could sit there and say well i do this i do that,i have had these thought's etc etc,but at the moment i am not feeling any of that,it comes it goes. There have been day's/weeks/months where i have felt like i could run through a brick wall(although it has been a while since i have felt like that),and there are days where i have just wanted to be dead.

You can either call me jekyll or call me hyde,because i never know how i am going to be from one moment to the next.(well that would be as a logical answer i could come up with at least for the moment)

[Fi68 in reply to Olderal]

Great post Olderal, you covered all the points I would have done, with the suggestions I would have given.

CJ2016, well done on reducing your cutting, I know how hard it can be as I have been a self harmer in the past. The fact that you have identified that you feel nothing/numb, to me, indicates that you need to go and see your GP and discuss ways and means to nip this in the bud. I can only advise you to follow the suggestions of Olderal, they are very sound.

Take care,

Fi.

[CJ2016 in reply to Fi68]

Hey Fi,i agree that Olderal seems like a knowledgeable guy.

In regard's to the cutting thank's i mean it is better then it has been there was times where i was doing it everyday for 2/3 weeks,i have been num in the past,maybe i am num now,honestly i do not know.

The way i feel now is different to how i felt before when i felt num,that was a different feeling to this,i mean at the moment i don't feel sad,i dont feel mad,i don't feel excitement,i dont feel happy,i do tend to get a little bit irritable if i don't agree with something(that's a different story).

But in hindsight i just don't feel like any emotion is there really,i mean i even turned down sex the other day(perhaps a bit TMI) and for me that is really unusual,because i pretty much have a really high sex drive.

But nope was not interested,maybe i just was not feeling her,but still just strange to say the least. Anyway thanks

[Olderal in reply to CJ2016]

Not very knowledgeable CJ, I read a lot about psychological conditions and problems as I have them but regrettably i can only write what I think might help somewhat. In this area of medicine, I can't solve anyone's problems including my own, but to offer and want to offer some help is worthwhile.

Your no doubt overworked GP will be glad of an easy appointment and delighted to hear that you feel fine at the moment but at least seeing him/her and briefly describing your problems that do occur from time to time will make it so much easier for you to go and see them when you do need help. I really do feel this is a hurdle you should get over and that maybe its best to do it, and easier when you are feeling fine. Having been over the hurdle once will help you do it again when you really might need help.

[CJ2016 in reply to Olderal]

Hey Old, yeah i think the whole Dr thing is a massive hurdle for me.

I have always had this hate/fear of anything Dr/Hospital related so have always avoided them if i can/could.

[MaisyMay2]

Congratulations on the job promotion! I know you may feel numb now but it's nice that your employers have recognised your hard work and dedication to the job!

Maybe because you've been waiting months for it, you don't feel any excitement because it's long overdue. Ive just finished my 4 weeks notice to leave work and i thought id be excited after it dragging for soo long but to be honest i just feel "meh" now it's happened because i was waiting so long.

Have you ever thought your self harm is to do with the numbess youre feeling? I used to self harm a few years back and in all honesty i kinda miss the calmness that it brung and the actual look of doing it. But that is way behind me now. Funnily enough my depression helped me stop self harming because i had such little effort i grew too tired to do it, having to clean up, and then having the effort of hiding it! a good tip that my friend told me (at the time i thought it wouldnt work - it did!) is to just procrastinate self-harm. So be like "hmm i'll self harm after i watch this program" and when the program is over "eh i'll self harm after i listen to these songs" and so on and in the end you run out of time to do it!! Congratulations though on cutting less, it's the start of something.

Take care of yourself and keep us updated

[CJ2016 in reply to MaisyMay2]

Hey Maisy,thank you and yeah the actual cutting started when i had that "episode" of feeling num for a few days,and it just continued from that and that was about 7/8 months ago,i went 3 months without cutting but in that 3 months i also ended up spending over £6500 on a new car.

I didn't think i would get a car or anything then but it just kindo of happened i would say that was a good 3 months in terms of not feeling depressed but those 3 months really hurt my wallet.

For the last few month's when cutting it's more to do with how much i bleed rather then how often i cut,but i still don't cut deep enough to require stitches.

I really want to get back into the gym(i have one at home) but it's just finding the motivation to go back into it because i know how obsessed i became with it last time and how much different i felt when i done it then also.(felt like a different person,felt on top of the world,it was a buzz that i have been craving since).

[Fi68]

Hi CJ2016, in my experience of cutting, and I know we are all different, but I found that once I started it was really difficult to control, it was almost an addiction for me and until I learnt other ways of dealing with the emotions, and learnt to trust the new ways of dealing with the emotions, it just got worse. It became a sort of challenge to myself, you only cut so deep last time, you need to cut more frequently, deeper or longer to get the same feeling of release. The symptoms you are describing, feeling numb, low mood, lack of interest and lack of sexual drive are all indicators of possible depression. I say possible because I am not medically qualified, but I had major depressive disorder for many years before it morphed into bipolar. Time to grit thy teeth and get thee off to thy doctor as we say around these parts. Take care.

Fi.

[CJ2016 in reply to Fi68]

Hey Fi i find if i keep my mind busy then the urge to cut is not too bad,it's there but not to the extent that ill grab a blade and start cutting,but it's when i have nothing to do that it is worse.

In regard's to the sex that was the only time i turned down sex,i think it was more to the fact that i was not really into her,i mean i had seen her once been with her once,and she want's to make it a regular thing,but i am just not that into her.

She is an awesome friend and everything but on a sexual level i am not that bothered with it/her that way.

My mood's do ineed alternate and have done so for sometime(years),that's why my mother called me/calls me jekyll and hyde sometimes because they do not know how i am going to be.

One of my main problem's is that i do get bored really easily,the only thing that has kept me from walking away from this job is the fact that i need the money to pay off my debt.

Too a degree i have trouble controlling my urges and have done since i was a child,and that has continued into adulthood,unfortunately,granted i can slightly controll them better then what i could as a child.

I spent the best part of my teenage years just depressed constantly,then one day(was 27) i woke up and just decided i wanted to lose weight,i felt different,felt motivated,felt enegerized,felt good,and the next 10 months i spent working out eating good,managed to bag the job that i am in now.

I just felt like a completely different person i don't know where it all came from,but it just happened,i just woke up and felt like that,then eventually my mood started to slowly dip,and it kept dipping then eventually it just steamed rolled into the cutting which was around octoberish(2016) then i had a good 3 months after that so to speak,but that's when i incurred the majority of my debt.

And now it's just been period's of mixed emotions or no emotions.

[Whatsthepoint0]

Hi Cj I'm new to these forums and like you really didn't want to go to the doctors about the way I feel as I was scared / fear of appearing weak. But after reading olderal and fi's responses I've made I'm my mind and I'm going this morning..I was gonna back out cause like you say you have goodish days and bad and then your appt comes on a goodish day you feel stupid. But I'm going..ps congratulations on your promotion

[CJ2016 in reply to Whatsthepoint0]

Thanks and glad you have found the courage to go, good luck and hope all goes well for you.

[Olderal]

CJ, I take it you are still fine and have n't seen your GP. I still really think you should see your GP while you are feeling fine. The GP will be delighted to have an easy appt. where you can explain as much as you want about your problems and say I'm fine now but would like to make an appointment when I again have problems . That way you'll have got over the initial hurdle and if and when you have problems again you'll discover your GP is your best friend and support.

What are you a man or a mouse ? And stop that squeaking.

Olderal

[CJ2016 in reply to Olderal]

Olderal

Yeah i have still not been,i have been more irritable last couple of days,but nothing major just meh(only word that explains it) I have booked 5 days off work next month so that will be nice to a degree,see how that goes,hoping to use it as a 5 day detox in regards to what ive been eating,just see how it goes.