I'm a student year currently studying A levels, I know that might not sound that bad, but my life feels empty. I have always been an introvert despite attempting to try and convince myself otherwise in the past, getting involved with activities like DofE in year 8. I am not new to the feelings I have now, though I've never felt them as strong as I do now. Due to my being an introvert at heart I have had a hard time having that many of the people I know have either moved away or no longer go to the same college as me.
People will probably say, that I should just make some more freinds, even I think that to myself that but I just cant do it. I feel alone, even the older friends who still talk to me occasionally on skype I avoid, I cant help it, I feel outcasted for no reason at all by my very own friends and I am very well aware that it is merely due to the way I think that I am like this.
I stopped attending a drama class which I was doing outside of college when it became too much, I tried to conivnce myself that it was the right thing to do, I had been just finishing a 12 week counciling at the time and was trying to believe that I was fine again. It worked for a while, but now I feel empty once more, I play guitar and sometimes find other ways to try and escape such as shows and reading stories but I feel like what ever I do or make I cannot scream loud enough. I apprecieate that there are people to go to, but I cant help but think they all say the same thing and that has got me where I am today.
I've never been very good at dealing with my feelings, let alone telling others. In my first years at secondary I rarely spoke a word to anybody. I got better as time went on but it just comes back, I don't know what to do, I wanted to exhaust all that I had to say somewhere. I am always there for friends but asking for help? I don't think I have ever asked a friend for help, I can't help it. I don't get suicidal thoughts as such because I am too afraid to do something like that, I don't self harm, but I often if not always feel like I don't want to live.
I am hoping that I can start a new life when I go to university, make some new friends, but at the same time I'm afraid, what if I don't get in, what then? what if I do and I don't make friends? I don't even know if I will do well in the course I intend to do.
I don't want to be depressed but at the same time, I need to feel like theirs a reason I feel this way, the reason that even in a room full of people, I feel alone and unable to speak, the reason that I dread social interaction merely because I cant stand being in amoungst people who are good friends and enjoy their own conversations with me sitting on the outside just trying to fit in.
I try to make sure that I make it in just in time for lessons so that I cut down on time that I have to wait around talking to people, and hate college for this aspect, I don't want to be alone, but I don't want to be in college to talk to people, I try to rationalise how I feel but I cant help but fall short, I want to be like other people I know. Heck I have less connections than a friend of mine who isn't in any kind of education. I know I shouldnt compare myself, but what is this? I am writing in the middle of the night on a site I have literally only just signed up too about ten minutes ago.
If I beleived in God I would have someone to blame my misery on, but instead I have only myself to face, I want to be something, I want to be successfull. I feel like I don't really matter and no matter how hard I try I always end up back the way I was before, alone and sad.
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John79962
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(I say evening on a pretty loose basis, considering it's almost 2 in the morning, but alas, the sky is dark out there, so evening will have to do). First of all let me say welcome the site.
One of the things I really want to emphasis here is that: you're not alone. You're really not alone in these feelings/circumstances - I have been a member of HU for ages now and I've come through more posts similar to yours (including my own), written by people in the same age bracket, than you can shake a stick at. Why I only saw one by a guy in his early 20s just the other night on the Anxiety Support community, not sure how much help I was to him, maybe I was missing a part of the point, but I will try my best now.
I totally understand where you're coming from. I myself, have just had my first semester at university, and am shuddering at the mere memory of it. Not dissimilar to the doubts you're having at the moment, about uni - I worried about not getting in and not making friends if I did. I did get in. But it wasn't what I'd hoped, I'd noticed something was wrong right from the first night of being away from home, the 2 girls in my halls had already made friends on Facebook and they were chatting away, while I just sat there awkwardly, in the same room trying desperately to think of something to say. I also had nothing in common with them which didn't help. Things seemed to improve for a bit. But then they went down hill again, something I cannot attribute to much other than things going on in my personal life and my own disposition.
Whoever told me uni was going to be the best days of my life played a trick on me, I thought waspishly to myself. However, with a bit of hindsight I then asked myself 'what was I expecting?' that I'd just toddle of to uni and everything would magically fall into place? (One of the hardest lessons I learnt John is that, life doesn't work like that. You can't always go somewhere new and leave your problems behind - at least, not if their internal, not if they come from inside you. They won't go away, that's why you need to try and resolve them). I'd had a terrible year beforehand (it'll take too long to explain), and it had scathed me really badly. I really needed a bit of extra time to recover as it will. Regroup, and be with my family - but they pushed me to go and the costs were high. It has now left me dwelling on why my new friends haven't texted me back yet since I gave them my new phone number this holiday. I am already dreading going back. Though since arriving home from the hols I haven't heard from many people at home either.
I did have friends. A group of very good friends I'd made in my last year at sixthform, I was a bit late coming into this group (as I stayed an extra year at sixth form and got to know them then – this will take too long to explain), so maybe I wasn't as central to the group as many, but give me a little more time getting to know them more and I knew I would have been - it would have been – it was - a great community. But we would all be moving on soon and expecting to make new friends, in wherever our lives took us. They never expected, or pressured me to stay in touch with them, so we amicably, sadly said our goodbyes at the end of the year, with an unspoken consensus that I wouldn't really be seeing them again. It would have been great if we did, but realistically, it wouldn't have been practical. It’s sad but it’s the just the natural way life is.
I have 2 home connections left (both of whom I have heard from fortunately). One that is consistent - who I have known for as long as I can remember (literally), another close, but slightly less reliable (she cancels meetings a lot) friend - from my secondary school, who left in year 11 while I stayed on at sixth form.
I'm not aware which year of sixthform/college you're in, but it might be a good time to point out there are naturally some shifts in friendships during that transition from compulsory to higher education, and having a quiet patch is perfectly natural. It was just the same for me in my first 2 years at sixth form - and I too - felt empty and lonely - nowhere near as much as I do now. But it was there.
I did have 2 other friends during this time, too very important, special friends it seemed. However, I lost them. One slowly, it seemed, began ignoring me, intermittently disappearing and entering into my life without any disregard to my feelings; betrayed me, September before the last, and then ignored me altogether. Perhaps some of it could be attributed to his increasing alcohol problem, but for some reason he transformed into someone else - so angry and full of hate; bitter, aggressive, it didn't matter what I said or did - and I didn't notice until it was too late. Another was faithful and loyal right till the end and disappeared one day (literally, as she no longer turned up for my English lesson we had together) - I tried texting her but I haven't heard from her since. The losses were incredible painful. If it wasn't for me being blessed with friends in my last year at sixth form, I probably would have lost my mind - the new friendships meant the pain I was in from it wasn't all consuming, and I still had the 2 home connections I mentioned earlier.
But anyway, I don't think it's unusual John, I don't think it's unusual to feel that little bit if self doubt and emptiness sometimes, particularly at this stage of the life cycle, when you’re going through so many changes - which mean something whichever year you're in. (My head of sixthform once said to us A levels are the hardest years of your life, obviously that's not applicable to everyone but she is definitely on to something.) But I am sure it will all shift accordingly, and you will find your happy place - things do happen more slowly for different people, or things don't always go to plan, but if you're yourself, and you're a decent and loyal person (which you seem to be) you will get there. But I can see from you what you describe that this is slightly more acute, I am by no way demeaning what you have said, merely saying the feelings you have aren't abnormal. They are just amplified to what they should be and this should be addressed.
I must urge you - do not make the same mistakes as I did, if you decide you want to go to uni, don't go till you're ready (and if you haven't decided that's what you want to you then you're obviously not ready anyway). Make sure it's what you want, and that you get the feelings you describe above addressed to. Don't just avoid facing them and hoping they'll go away like I did (I did have a 12 week counselling session last Jan but in hindsight it wasn't enough). Take courage and ask for help now. (There is no shame in needing it, as we all do at some stage for a diverse number of reasons). Otherwise you will just take them to uni with you and they'll get in the way - but it'll be worse by then, because you'll likely be away home - from all that's familiar with you and have the additional pressure of adjusting to somewhere new (Take it from someone who knows). Don't worry about how long it takes, just make you're well before you do anything rash. The GP will be a good starting point - I'm wondering if you have a bit of clinical depression The suicide ideation (thinking about ending your life, but not having any plan to go through with it), makes me wonder, and the fact that you're less able to focus on the activities you enjoy. And of course, your sleep cycle (that said, you wouldn't be the only teen on the internet in the middle of the night, depressed or not!). (Remember also that depression is also episodic so the feelings you had when you were younger could be an explanation for this).
Let us know how you get on, that is, we'd keep us updated and keep posting. I'm sorry if I have missed anything out from your post, let me know if I have. I've written a long comment in the hope that it will be the first to welcome you to the site and give you some things to consider - and dare-I-say online friend for when you want to talk things through? Someone who I hope, you feel, understands. And who knows what it feels like work hard and end up in the same place as before - alone and sad...
I hope this helps and you’re feeling better by the time you read this. The good news is there so much treatment out there, and people with clinical depression can go on to live happy and fulfilling lives. They are successful, and become ‘something’ as you put it. You have already taken the courage to write about how you’re feeling on here, and that can be a very hard thing to do, so you should be very proud of yourself. I believe in you, John.
John - I will have another read of your post tomorrow and reply then as, I'm feeling a little out of sorts today. However, while I'm here, I want to point out you wouldn't be a bother. It seems to me that we have more in common than people might think and I reckon we'd be able to help eachother and learn from our experiences etc. Just so you know though, I can be a little slow reply - so don't take it personally if this is ever the case - I have a few ailments that cause fatigue and things. However, I always get back people eventually (that reminds me of some people I need to email again actually), and don't be afraid to tap me on the back if I'm a little slow (sometimes I benefit from being prompted) I won't mind!
Thank you for taking the time to write a comment I really aprecieate it (More so than I can express), I know there are others out their, but even though people, adverts etc are always saying thats so it doesn't make it seem any more real, kind of like if an advert is completely put together by those who have never or arent currently in that situation or the way politicians don't really have much insight into the effects their decisions have on the general public (You probably get my point). But having actually got a response from you it makes me genuinely feel like I'm not alone, I'm kind of materialistic like that.
I was just thinking about the part about university, I am currently thinking of taking up an old hobby for my career, Animation is what I am hoping to study, I blame my recent lacking of this creativity (For the last 2 years) on working on my coursework for A level, so I'm not sure what I am hoping for, I realise now a little more clearly that things wont just get up and go, its part of who I am.
I had to check over my application with my head of college before it was fully sent off, after I did, I almost broke down again, but managed to take myself to someone who could help, I explained to her how I was feeling and that I felt alone and separated from my own friends, one of the things which bothered me about my application was the amount of work I had been putting into one of my subjects inparticular, ICT which I felt like I was throwing all my time at and got nothing more from it. Seriously on a slight tangent, I had to take up applied science so to still be doing the right amount of subjects (I do Ethics and Philosophy as well as ICT but dropped Psychology last year) and even though I have focused barely on my science, I am apparently up for a B yet no matter what I do with my ICT no matter the hours even though I have been working through the criteria I still get a C, I don't mean to sound ungratefull about it, I just feel like the amount of blood sweat and tears I put in mean that its kinda a kick in the teeth.
The person I talked to told me that I need to be a bit more clear to my teacher that I want to get above a C and that I need to ask what I might do to improve, after this reply I intend to email her to ask to talk to her for in the lesson I have tomorrow.
As for the depression part, I'm not sure, I think I might have SAD but to be fair I don't keep a record so much of when I feel the peak of my sadness. I don't know what I should think, on one half I want to find some reason to explain the way I very often feel, but on the other I feel like it might be a prison.
My school had me down for having ASD on their system from year 7 I presume (As I was so quiet), however I have never ever been diagnosed with any disorder not meaning I don't have any, but rather I could have. but again the same thing as in the above paragraph bothers me a little.
I didn't know what to expect when I posted this, I wasn't sure if I would get a reply, I'm not sure whether when I posted this I cared, I just wanted to scream at the world for always feeling as if it were on my back. But I am glad that I did.
Thank you again, especially having that you have gone into the detail of even giving me advice from experiences (That takes bravery too), I wouldn't mind an online friend, but I also wouldn't want to bother you. As I said (I think? but might not have) I have a habit of just letting things boil to a point and then releasing my feelings in an almighty tidel wave of emotion. I know its probably not healthy so I'll try my best to post it on here before I reach that point in the future now I know their is somewhere more imidiate that I can go when I feel this way.
I definately feel more welcome now so thankyou xxxx
As I said I would get back to you more fully so that's what I'm doing now - sorry about the delay.
I'm really glad you appreciated my reply and found it helpful.
I get your point in the first paragraph exactly - it's something we see and hear all the time but, until you actually come across substantial evidence it's impossible to really believe it. And merely hearing it doesn't exactly help or change your situation. It shows how intelligent you are - not accepting things without question or solid support to back this up.
I'm glad you've been having a think about university and what you want to study - there's not a great deal worse, about doing A levels, than missing the opportunity to pursue your other strengths and activities. It's really frustrating too. This happened to me, in the 2 years of doing A levels I forgot how to sing etc. I'm glad you realise now more clearly that things don't just change instantly. Especially because this was my downfall when I was doing my A levels and going through a difficult time (as I said, I thought uni would change everything, but it didn't).
I'm glad you manage to find help when you needed it. It's always good to ask for assistance. We can all benefit from it, and sometimes a bit of guidance and a listening ear is all a person needs to really be able to flourish, fulfil, and unlock their potential. There were times when I was doing my A levels when I felt like there was no one I could go to - in hindsight perhaps I wasn't forceful or persistent enough - because there was always someone, it seemed, who was in a worse situation than me and I was seen as a low priority - it seems to me like there weren't enough support staff to cater for everyone's needs (more about that later), but I still think I could have tried harder to make my voice heard. I should have gone straight to the Head of Sixthform's office - a diligent, down to Earth and compassionate woman always willing to help - she'd have given me all the time in the world and I know I would have benefitted from her. But instead I kept putting it off - telling myself I didn't want to bother her; it was the other staff's responsibility to help me anyway (I blamed them for not getting the right support when all along I could looked elsewhere). I see now this was a mistake on my part. Before she retired, there was a lovely lady I could go - over the years we had built up a good trust and rapport, which is an important factor too when receiving help - and I really benefited from her support, immensely so. It's such a simple remedy and yet it makes such a huge difference - so I'm really pleased there is someone you can go to for help. And if you ever feel you can't please don't be afraid to make your voice heard John. (Also, it's not very hard to tell if you do not have a healthy bond with the person who has the role of helping or assisting, if it's not their after a significant amount of persistence - keep looking and eventually you will find the right person suited for you.)
Regarding the drawbacks you are having with ICT at the mo I can really relate to your frustration and bewilderment at this. It's so excruciating when you put so much into something, making sacrifices - and yet still not getting the desired results. Especially when - everyone around you seems to be gliding through it so easily - you're left feeling out in the cold. I think the advice given is invaluable - if you're clear and specific about what you want and what's stopping from you from achieving this, you should hopefully be able to clarify what you're possibly missing or what's stopping from you from bumping up your grade. It could be something really simple that could easily been resolved. Consider the analogy of my dad teaching me how to cook, I had a great deal of trouble stirring the sauce efficiently, the task itself felt awkward and uncomfortable, and putting a great deal of pain into my arm, it didn't matter how much energy I put into it, or how fast or manically I stirred - the sauce seemed too heavy against the spoon and nothing was happening.
...At least not until my dad showed me a more suitable way of holding the spoon, suddenly it seemed really simple and I was able to stir the sauce effectively. I know this probably isn't the best example but I hope you can understand the point I'm trying to make. Improvement isn't just about repeating the same task with more effort. Furthermore, sometimes, we can get so stuck in the habit or one way of approaching a task, it's almost impossible for us to see any other method until it demonstrated to us (consider the teaser of a man who has a knotted rope tied between his wrists and must find a way of undoing the knot without removing either end from his wrist - I'm hoping you know the example I'm referring to). The phrase, 'work harder' is not really helpful - especially if you're already giving it your all anyway. Even if you do make some progress - you won't enjoy the journey, the experience is not dissimilar to pushing an accelerator of the car, while pressing the clutch at the same time (without realising that you shouldn't press the clutch). People need direction. Specifics. In other words, it's just as much about technique as it is effort, and sometimes people need to be shown this (even if it seems to obvious to some).
While for other tasks it comes more naturally, and instinctively, and you've already got the right technique without needing to be shown or even realising it (like you with your science). So, if you haven't already, show your ICT teacher how you 'stir your sauce' as it will and the results - and ask her, 'where Exactly, and I going wrong? I'm already doing a, b, and c - AND I'm giving it my all - so what's missing?' (don't hold back on how frustrated you are, be flippant about it). And hopefully, she will be able to show you where you're going wrong. So don't lose faith, John. I'm sure you will crack it - remember, you've still got time before the exams.
Regarding what you said about SAD - a doctor will have the power to access and give you a diagnosis and it should make your life easier. SAD is more common than people think, and I know there isn't a more difficult time of year than that winter period after Christmas - where it's still dark and gloomy, you're still prone to colds, but you don't have anything to look forward to for a while, especially with the stress of A levels on top of that. There is no harm in following it up if this is what you suspect, remember, you know your body and yourself better than anyone else - so listen to these thoughts. The things I recite in the latter half of the third before final paragraph of my initial comment, does make me wonder. It might be worth just keeping track of how your emotions pan out, a diary can help with that, or even just blogging, which is what you're doing already. It doesn't necessarily mean having to commit to going and see a doctor, if you don't want - you just start logging it on the basis of a 'well let's just wait and see what happens attitude' - having it logged will put you in control. And if you establish any patterns, ultimately, the final decision to take it any further is yours. Better to build yourself a bridge and choose not to cross it than the opposite way round, for you only to change your mind - and have no means of crossing.
...I'm sorry John, I'm just about to go and have tea and this response isn't finished - but..I don't want to leave you with nothing. Neither do I want to rush finishing this, and feel dissatisfied, that wouldn't be doing right by you. So you do mind if we just pause it here and leave you with some things to begin thinking about, before I come back to you with the rest?
As someone who can relate to what you're saying and, who's had experience of ASD herself - I want to express my thoughts to you in a justified manner. The same goes with the rest of your response too.
I won't be too long! Giving you an encouraging pat on the back. (I hope against hope they're aren't do many mistakes in this!).
Heya, I just read your last two replies, I have now put this on my bookmark bar so that I will be more inclined to check it, I tend to not be so good at focusing on multiple things at once, kinda why when I focus on work my social life (Or what little I have) goes down the drain.
I have talked to her again today, and has got me involved hopefully next week with teaching a couple of year 8's at my primary school a few things on the guitar (And a further young lad who wants to learn the Ukelele) I am by no means the most confident person and I am anxious beyond belief but I seem to get on okay with younger people than myself in small groups (Like 1 or 2) to be honest, despite being older I often feel a tad intimdated by some of the more outspoken of any given year.
I get what you mean with the way I might improve, I talked to my teacher today and came to the conclusion that it will probably be my evaluation skills that need improving, I tend to go to town when it comes to designing and developing my ideas, but writing down what I've learnt in the formating that my teacher and the criteria dictate is difficult. I've always thought that though I can slightly understand the criteria that a board like OCR release, it is the teacher who often translates what it is saying into something understandable to anyone who hasn't come to understand the disconjointed english they so enjoy using to make what they want difficult to comprehend. anyways I hope to work on that, it just bothered me that I was put down for a C, but on the plus, if I do get an conditional offer, if I do better than my predicted then I suppose thats a good thing.
I must have forgotten but at one point I did have a diary, I never kept it going for long, but I should probably try doing it again, I feel like I should keep the old one I have but to be honest the things I wrote, the thoughts, just the way I was to the way I am now makes me cringe a little, it really is odd the way that we change but don't notice and more so the way that we change but still sometimes keep the traits we tried most to be rid of.
I have a theory that I considered when I studied psychology, that the reason that I push my self to work to the point of inner turmoil because no one has ever really pressured me to do my homework, or work on that essay. for the most part I feel like I have to do these things, and often go over the top. But even if I know the cause it doesn't stop me from acting the way I do. I am constantly trying to find ways to prevent myself from doing nothing, because when I do, I worry about that peice of work that was set today but I said to may self 'It can wait I need a break' I don't know if live to work is the term, because I feel almost like the opposite is true despite it probably seeming like the latter to anyone else.
When I was younger I thought a 'new chapter' of my life was literally that, as if I'd feel like a whole new person, a new page, I would have a new goal but I realise now that life isn't quite as clean cut as I'd hoped. I realised this after I decided one day not to show up to the drama group I attended. I could be someone else, sure, if I was someone else on stage that was fine. But I was having trouble with the communicating part of acting. Give me a stroppy monologue and I can scream at an audience because I can relate to that, I cant help but be a little angry at life sometimes and I found their was no better release than on a stage (Even if only a few people were watching). but give me a peice where I talk to another character and I'm lost. I dont do well with that kind of thing, no matter what I try and tell my self.
Its kind of like when it comes to interaction, I see other people hugging and all that, but while I might accept a hug, it would take alot for me to give someone else one. The last relationship I was in, this girl, nice enough but she always pointed out I was so placent, I wasn't the slightest bit violent, I just don't like the idea, the reason their has been in the past, a feirce war between my mum and dad (And still is as far as my dad is concerned) was violence, my dad denies it, but I don't know who to beleive so I just dropped trying to find the truth there. basically whenever I've seen or heard or punches thrown It has been with the intent of causing harm and so I feel I cannot (Rather than choose not to) do it even if it were a friendly gesture.
But getting back to the point, I do think your right in suggesting I keep a track of things just so I have a bit more control.
I don't mind if your replies riddled with errors, I for one have a grudge against using fullstops. Or so it would seem. I've deffinately got a few things to think about so I don't mind. Reply when you feel able
I will attempt to finish this now. I want to start off by saying that I really only am a message away if you need me. I am on my holidays now and don't have any uni work still I start the next semester at the end of Jan so I have plenty of time to lend a listening ear or even just a chat. I wasn't trying to make you feel put out by saying I could be a little slow merely saying you know why if that happens and generally all you'd need to do is give me an extra tap on the back.
Sadly a diagnosis of ASD can often go missed and it means people don't get the same help they would be entitled to without a formal diagnosis. So if there is a chance you have it, I wouldn't rule it out. It's more common than people might think - although diagnoses can often be missed because people have a miss-conception about what it means to have it - the classical signs and stereotypes associated. When in reality, it's incredibly diverse. I myself (and I don't tell many people this either), was diagnosed with a mild form of it when I was about 5 years old, so got some extra support because of this in my younger years. That said - and I think this links to some of what you were saying (about wanting to explain how you feel, but at the same time...you don't want to reduce it to just a name or a label?)
I'm not sure if the benefits of getting a diagnosis of ASD (which at the time was called 'a typical autism' and), which seemed to follow me everywhere I went (and will probably continue to do so) since I was diagnosed, outweighed the costs of it - not in my younger years anyway.
True, I got some extra help, but the other kids noticed this and saw me differently. I didn't have the chance to attempt to fit in, even if I wanted to, I experienced bullying an rejection. Additionally, I still don't think the people helping me always really understood me - I don't believe it's the same for a girl, it's rarer for a start (it was pretty strange, being (apart from one who didn't always show up) being the only girl among a group of boys with ASD (who finally found people who they had something in common with) in all the specialist clubs/activities I attended in and out of school), but I also think it manifests itself differently and girls have different traits - and no one seemed to address this, or try to guise how I saw and experienced things as an individual - as me. I always felt misunderstood. People just made assumptions about me based on what they knew about ASD, not as an individual in question. Not all of them gave themselves to chance to get to know who I really was. I think that's one of the risks with getting a diagnosis of this nature - being swept under the same brush as everyone else who had the same condition as you, or being defined by the label you were given. And it's not always easy to shift, some people live with such a label for the rest of their lives, even if they have 'overcome' or learnt to manage their problems. I wanted people to understand that I liked certain things, or saw the world in a certain way - because of what I'd experienced, and because I was me, not because I had ASD (I won't go into detail with all the examples but if you're interested you're welcome to ask ).
All of this said, I don't know how my life would have turned out if I didn't get the diagnosis either. I may be desperate to find a name for whatever I may have been having trouble with - rather than having my behaviour of difficulties, in the past, over generalised to ASD. Additionally, my diagnosis was well over a decade ago, and people's concepts about what it means to have ASD are changing. I know now (even though I didn't feel like it then), that having a diagnosis of ASD is nothing to be ashamed of (I wasn't implying that you thought there might be, merely making a statement). It's up to you what you do John, although I think at this time, it's likely you'll get significantly less grief from other, ignorant people regarding a diagnosis than I did. In addition to this, I know from experience that the professionals are also a lot more discrete nowadays than they used to be. They have much more respect for privacy, so people needn't know if you don't want them to. I think I can understand where you're coming from in your final paragraphs, but remember, while, a diagnosis could mean an explanation for some things and could give you some insight, and help, but it doesn't reduce everything down, or colour everything about you. Whatever you decide to do, and it's up to you, you'll still the same person as you were before you're diagnosis. And the things about you are of kind because they're you, not because there's a chance you have ASD. I hope this helps. Even if it didn't hopefully you will have found it an interesting read.
And you're more than welcome by the way. (and thank you very much ) I know how nerve racking it can be when submit a first post and when you're new to something. Furthermore, I was sure it would be worth to use what I've learnt from my own experiences to help you, to turn them into a positive, in addition to being able to relate what you had written and to wanting to help anyway. I'm really pleased you've found your outlet through writing, and you're doing something about your emotions getting the better of you. I too, used to have outbursts of emotion but coming on here, it really does help. No one will judge you for being honest here.
Message me anytime. Keep posting. I'll be looking forward to hearing from you and how you're getting on.
ASD stands for Autistic Spectrum Disorder and is a developmental disorder, affecting about 1% of the population. It affects things like the ability to interact and form relationships - people with ASD are said to have trouble picking up on less obvious social cues such as body language; also figurative language (like metaphors), is likely to be taken literally. People on the spectrum are sensitive to things like touch, smell, sound and taste, and can experience problems with self and spatial awareness and visual perception. Another characteristic is obsessions - having a great interest in one thing and less interest in much else, and compulsions - having to 'have things a certain way' - for example, a disruption to their routine, can cause someone on the spectrum a degree of distress, depending on how are along the spectrum they are that is.
Hope this helps.
This is really only a general explanation of what ASD is - not everyone will have all the characteristics of it, and the intensity of each varies among different people.
If you want to know anymore let me know and I'll do my best to help.
Yes, in some ways it is a gift. I suppose it just means we are stronger than some people in some aspects and weaker than others. Which is how the world works anyway, really. Yes, it is said that everyone is on the 'spectrum' as it were, but some people are further along it than others.
And you're so right, I know now, that having ASD is nothing to be ashamed of, and more common than people think anyway. I've never actively tried to hide having ASD, but it wasn't exactly something I was particularly open about (anywhere other than the community I joined I mean) until, well until yesterday when I spoke to John about it. People should be more open about their difficulties. If it's going to make a difference to other people and give them the confidence to do the same thing, then I'll keep doing it.
I'm really glad you found both our posts refreshing. And thankyou so much for your support and words of encouragement.
I didn't realise you replied, I must have missed it while I was posting the other comment thing, but I thought while I'm in the buisness of writting I might as well respond to this as well
Its very kind of you to offer to be there and I again appreciate that greatly. I think the main reason that I'm not so sure about a diagnosis is not that I would be different in anyway or that people would judge me but rather I would judge me, almost like my own prison, I have or am such and such, why should I try this and that when I know the outcome (Which I have felt at times any way to be fare) I actually find it extremely offensive the way that some people (Mainly on games online etc) feel like its neccesary to throw about labels like ASD, or Aspergers or ADHD or anything like that when these very people thinking outside the box is the way that great discovery is made. at one point a few years ago a number of posters appeared around my school (I think as part of another years citizenship project) giving hundreds of famous people, Bill Gates, Albert Einstein (being in some of the many) that got to where they were despite whatever labels people had or would have given them today.
One of my other best mates (Again I wish I could get round to seeing more) has ASD and that might have been why we clicked so quickly after a few weeks starting Secondary, we were on the same wavelength if you know what I mean.
I was going to add something else but I think I may have exausted my train of thought, I really do find that what your saying both intersting and helpful, so thanks
I read your 2 replies and found them a really interesting read. I'm not how well I'll do at replying to them now, in full as I'm a little fatigued at the moment but wanted least say I get what you're saying. And I'll reply in a more detailed way tomorrow. I'll bookmark this in fact, that's a good idea.
And you're welcome. I'm really pleased that you've benefitted from my responses so far. It's good that I'm helping.
I hope you have a lovely day tomorrow and a good weekend if we don't speak again before then.
Thankyou for posting again, even if it isn't all that you wanted to say. It may be a bit late but I hope you have or are having a good weekend also I hope to hear from you again soon
Take care and kind regards also
John xxxx
John, it is a bit like reading something written by my younger self reading your post.
The world is tough on us introverts. My mistake has been ignoring my need to have introverted time in work and it has given me some bad health issues.
I recommend two things - there is a book called "Quiet: the power of Introverts in a world that can not stop talking" - read it!
Second, look for something that you love to do, no matter how geeky and meet people on your own terms through that - I have my Quaker Meetings, my brass band and my crafting. I also run...so there are a few people from each of those who I interact with regularly, but who are acquaintances, not friends.
I've now accepted I have a few people who are friends and I value them like gold, even if geography means I only see them a few times a year
Thank you for your comment I really appreciate it, I get where your coming from, I don't really do so much but I am going to hopefully help teach some younger children a bit on playing guitar soon (A development today having broken down after sending my Ucas application off and talking to someone at college) I have been reading more generally, so I will look into getting that book, thank you.
Theirs a couple of things besides guitar that I enjoy, so I agree with you again there and I will start thinking about what I could do (Though I cant say the thought right now doesn't make me a little anxious).
I have the problem of not really seeing the line between friends and acquaintances at the moment as I see both equally as irregularly. But I do understand where your coming from with that part and thank you for taking the time to comment I apprecieate it.
Hi John welcome to the site and thanks for being brave and posting. I won't give you
Big long spiel as Fay has said it all.
There is nothing wrong with being an introvert , I am the quietest one of my siblings
And even though I have a Masters I still feel that I don't measure up to them. Realistically I know this is silly, but now life values extroverts more and they go
Into acting or drama. But it's not all bad news. I would much rather spend time
With a shy taupe than someone who never stops talking and is full of their own
Importance. We make the best listeners as extroverts tend to want to talk
About themselves.
John you are still very young, you may be Depressed and I used to avoid bumping
Into people when I was Depressed. I would cross the road to avoid them. I thought
That was just me but no that was the Depressed me,, when I addressed and
Got the Depression treated, my social phobia esquire behaviour improved .
I think a visit to GP would help you and you won't change radically but it will
Help you. Concentrate on doing the things you love and mastery is one of the ways
We build up our self esteem. You sound like a lovely young man with great self
Knowledge plus insight
Going to University can be challenging on many levels, so don't go till you feel
Ready. That way you will be prepared and A bit stronger emotionally.
Is there anyone that you could talk Openly to .... Parents...Form Teacher or
Hi hannah, I get where your coming from, its Ironic that one of my best friends (Infact I think I might be one of the few which tollerate him) is my complete opposite, he's loud, he can be a bit brash, and he has been through more relationships in the last month than I have been in my entire lifetime (Which isn't many), its fair to say that other people might have him high on their hit list. But he has been their in my time of need before (Though not recently) and being the patheticly materialistic person I am in this particular area of my mentality, him actually telling me that I was his best mate meant alot.
It might sound silly, but friends tend to keep this subliminal, meaning I get on well with other people I consider friends but, never have we done the thing that happens in all the cartoons, "Do you wanna be my freind?" not that theirs any problem with that of course. Infact what I'm trying to say is I like to have my thoughts confirmed by someone saying that to me, but generally conversation doesn't allow that to happen without it sounding aqward. Some say that you make friends with people you most want to be like or something like that, and I suppose to an extent thats true. But I have to admit there are a range of things that I think me and this best mate of mine would not both agree on regarding treatment of others.
I didn't realise other people also avoided people as rigourusly as me (I know people avoid others), which probably didn't help me feel any better, I mean I always assumed that someone in my position might do this but I couldnt help but think it might just be me trying to rationalise that as what it is to be me and how I will always react to others.
I've been to my GP before, but he directed me back to my school for help as he couldn't perscribe medication at that age (That was a few years ago though), at the time I had the same view as my dad on antidepressants, that it was only temporary and not really a sustainable way to go about it, I realise now that this was probably a tad ignorant of me, and my dad. and I can't help but wonder whether that would help at all or if it would have no effect at all. I used to cycle alot to get the endorphins going though, that helped a bit, but the times where I would get stranded with a puncture and no kit to fix it made the idea less appealing at times.
I have got someone to talk to, though it wasn't easy, I felt better talking to a pastoral support staff that I have spoken to in the past (By spoken I mean I was in tears releasing everything that has bothered me recently and how my life, at least the way I put it at the time seemed to be over, kinda thing), I'm kinda in that stage just after my expression of everything I have bottled up where I feel kinda a little emotional but not as sad (If you know what I mean).
Hello John, just want to say hi and welcome. You are not alone. I enjoyed reading your post as it was self reflective and I think will help you and a lot of others . I hope you will continue to look and post from time to time and keep us updated. Gemmalouise x
I said I would make an attempt to get back to you so that's what I'm doing now regarding your last 2 big comments. Just to keep things clear I also commented twice on your music one. Thankyou for being patient with me. I'm sorry I didn't get back sooner than this. I didn't go to bed till late again last night and was forced to get up early, so I'm really tired but I seem to be more clear headed than most days, so now would be a good place to start.
First of all, I think it's great that you've the opportunity to give some of the younger student’s tuition This is fantastic and will hopefully further your confidence and give you an emotional boost. I can understand if you're a bit nervous, that's normal; as for the feeling intimidated, I often feel the same way even if the people are younger. Some of it is to do with being introverted. Research has shown that introverted people find social stimulation draining, whereas extroverts don't. But even with that aside, I think everyone finds a group of people, regardless of their ages, slightly intimidating - whether they admit or not. I'm sure they'll give you all the respect you deserve, and if they don’t then they don't deserve to be there (also it's not to be taken personally, kids are immature) - but I'm positive it won't come to that. Let me know how you get on.
Well done for taking the courage to speak to your IT teacher. I’m really pleased that you’ve worked out what points you’re missing – hopefully it shouldn’t be too challenging to address. Unfortunately it doesn’t matter how strong you are in one area of the course, they cap you if you’re missing out on some areas rather than credit you for what you do well in. You have to play them at their own game – unfortunately the system appears to be now a measurement of how good one is at doing exams, rather than how skilled one is at the subject in question – and they like their big word and numerous clauses don’t they? Don’t let yourself be intimidated by it. There’s nothing particularly impressive about labouring their phrases, doing so is counterproductive and counter intuitive in fact. It would have been smarter just cut to the chase and say what they’re looking for – less time would be spent for others to decode. But as you say, it isn’t too difficult if you have to a good teacher assist and interpret. (At this point, you might be thinking, ‘Look at Her (my) monster sentences. She’s gone mad this one ‘ The truth is, I do know I ramble, but I tend to think about things a lot so it can be hard to get my thoughts down coherently. If you ever want to ask what I’m going on about, feel free, I won’t be offended ). Exactly, there are always positives, remember – a C grade is nothing to be sniffed at – although I understand your frustration because you feel you’re capable of more. Some people struggle just to pass their A levels. So if get anything above a C that’s a bonus, and you’ll be able to say you proved all those people wrong who thought you wouldn’t get higher than that. You have all the tools now. So go for it.
Regarding the diary, oh I know. The amount of things I’ve looked at from my own private writing, and just cringe at. It’s all I can do just to keep myself from ripping them up or burning them, as it’s not like I have any use for them. (Reading it back is a toe curling experience and I certainly wouldn’t want anyone else reading them.) But I feel like I owe it to that 14 year old girl, from my past, not to. It is indeed strange the way we change so much without noticing (not until we look back at ourselves anyway). I suppose it’s just a gradual process. Every day, we are always something more than we were the day before, however slight that may be. And regarding keeping the traits we want to be most rid of – a very poignant, frustrating, but true observation. I think the real challenge is learning ways of managing or regulating these particular traits, if we’ve had them and kept them for long, it seems like they are a part of who we are, how we were made, and therefore impossible to be truly rid of – because they come from inside us. Rather, we have to find way around these characteristics or ways to adapt or modify our behaviour. Some are more successful at doing this than others, and it depends on a whole number of factors, but it is a difficult thing to do – life gets in the way for a start. If you don’t want to keep a diary, could you consider finding other means of logging your emotions – for example, a ten point scale, which you could do weekly, while also keeping track of things like the weather climate, activities you’ve been doing etc. Some people I know keep a tin of small fragments of paper, where they make on a notes on about their feelings or of thoughts entering their mind. You could even get away with writing one word (i.e. ‘Happy’, ‘sad’, ‘ruminating’) – alongside the time and date. It’s about finding whatever works for you really.
I think I can understand where you’re coming from regarding regulating your work/rest life. You were brought up left to your own devices, not given an idea of when or what amount of work to do so you’ve grown up confused about the appropriate work/life balance – while still knowing, from your own observations that there was work to be done – this has left you with a feeling of insecurity, I’m guessing, from lack of guide dance in your younger years, and consequently, free floating anxiety and guilt about how much you’re doing, no matter – it appears – how much effort you’re putting in. You’re in constant doubt about whether you’re doing enough, or too much, but there is no one there to tell you either way. It’s important you look out for the signs about when you’re getting over worked, and then you’ll know when you stop, you shouldn’t feel guilty about stopping. Next time you find yourself getting to the state of turmoil (I know sometimes you probably don’t realise until it’s fully fledged or even until after), pay close attention to the specific signs going on in your mind and body (thoughts and physical symptoms). If you don’t realise till afterwards – then take some time out of your day, to remember what was going beforehand – think carefully about each stage and each moment. Hopefully, you’ll some become aware of when you’re about to enter the inner turmoil stage, and you know it’s time to take a step back and do something to calm yourself down.
Yes, when I was younger I used to think the same thing – I think a lot of it can be put down to ideology depicted in the media. But it’s not real life – and if you expect, try to have all those things at once, you’ll end up stuck (I fell into this trap a lot). The only way things can move forward if you do it gradually – and depending on personal circumstances, some people are forced to take a slower path than others it’s frustrating but it’s just the way things are. I guess the way to think of it, is that the start of a new chapter is merely nothing more than the continuum of the previous one – notice when you read books that characters don’t change from one chapter to the next, they grow throughout the story, and everyone’s story is unique. When you read a book, sometimes you have to re-read the pages to make sense of it and be in a better position to proceed to and enjoy the next chapter, but you often don’t get the chance to do this in real life so you can only proceed with uncertainty and hope you will make of senses of things later on in the story. Moving on without closure is even harder, but some people are forced to at least to pretend to for the sake or everyone else around them.
It sounds you realised this earlier than me, as I still struggled with a lot up until recently. You’re a smart guy, John. You’ve been instrumental in helping me to realise the same thing, so for that, I must thank you.
Regarding the drama story getting into the mind of characters is not easy, some people are just better at doing this than others – there have been debates that people who act don’t really know who they are and therefore can take on the form of a number of different characters at will, how true this is I don’t know. But it sounds like you have a strong sense of identity which probably makes it harder to get inside the mind of someone else. It seems, when doing a monologue, you can find, a part of yourself within in the character, so it comes more naturally. Perhaps, one could argue, you are to an extent just being yourself, being open about your feelings on stage, but, because you’re performing, you’re doing it in a way that’s justified, in a safe environment without self-exposure or fear of being judged by others. It must feel like a great freedom.
When you’re communicating in a role, you’re actually doing 2 things, connecting to the character you’re playing but the characters around you – who are also portraying someone different to the person in real life, thinking about in that sense it’s very confusing and hard to get your ahead around, and I would imagine it would be particularly challenging if you feel you struggle to make connections to those around you in real life. But at least you have some better understanding now about how the world and life works, and with understanding you get acceptance, and thus recovery. If you want to improve your communication acting in your drama group, trying to get know the people (as themselves), and you’ll find it easier to work with them in an acting role. Make sure you know some background about your character, including the sub-text, and research into the nature of the character’s personal circumstances – look at real life anecdotes that sort of thing, not just facts, and it should help.
I began to suspect things weren’t so clean cut as I entered the latter stages of my teenage years – though I thought it was just me at the time, that I was only one. There was a great conflict with my own personal circumstances and what seemingly went on around me, hence my confusion and denial.
As late as I going enrolling into the uni I’m at, I thought everything was going to change. This might have something to do with friends and family around me saying things like uni was going to be the best years of my life, and a couple of weeks into it I felt like I’d been tricked. It was partly my own ignorance and delusions that tricked me though John, my family was trying to encourage me, but I wasn’t to take what they were saying completely literally. Anyway, I then found out, from one of the HU communities, that I’m not the only one who went to uni and not enjoy it. And I am older and wiser now. I know you realised things weren’t so clean cut sooner than I did, but I still feel I it’s my place to warn you, if you go to uni, it can be very easy to get sucked in the encouraging platitudes of friends and family before you go and develop expectations about it might be like. I must urge you – when you this, and when you get caught up in this, take a moment and remember what I’m said – and take what they with a pinch of salt, don’t everything they say at face value. Their words, however sincere they believe they are being, are only ever empty words when (and in some cases if), they come true. So think on. Don’t get me wrong, when you go, I want you to go have the time of your life – I’m not trying to be a killjoy, merely pointing out that I remember the disappointment and bewilderment I felt when I went and things didn’t work out (some of which was down to other, external factors and my disposition, but I’ve already said this, so I won’t repeat), and I don’t want you to go through the same thing as I did. (Like I said, I still shudder at the memory).
The issue regarding physical contact might also explain some of the difficulties you had in acting. I’m so sorry about what you went through with your parents. It isn’t something I’ve had the fortune to ever witness however, I will do my best. On a bio-chemical level, a gesture such a hug between 2 people increases levels of the hormone oxytocin, which increases the levels of trust between 2 people and the bond they share – it might go some way to explaining, on the surface, one of the other reasons you feel lonely, if the release of this hormone isn’t stimulated enough, and while you may not establish close knit bonds some. But that’s the simple bit. What we need to look at is why you feel like this. As I’ve said, I’ve never had to witness anything horrendous between my 2 parents. But, to start with, I understand there can be difficulty, generally, in distinguishing between what’s an affection gesture, and what’s an abusive, aggressive, or controlling one. Ok, the extremes, are obvious – a punch is a punch, no one is going to interpret that for being affection or friendly, for obvious reasons.
But when you’re not extreme they can become confusing – you can be affectionate to someone, but there comes a point when you’re crossing a line – what’s more confusing is where the line is, which changes depending on the relationship with the person you’re with, and that isn’t always easy to distinguish either! Furthermore, the disposition of the person you’re with – do they just want their space today? Or are they after a certain level of intimacy and what level? Working this out takes a lot of interpretation of the social cues and manner of the other person. Confused? So am I. It’s difficult for anyone to do. And it seems apparent that trying to figure out of all of this, is MUCH harder for someone with ASD, we’ve already discussed upon and discuss a few paragraphs down. So it’s no wonder we, distant ourselves from other people so much. When we have their best interest of others at heart and don’t want to hurt them. And top of us all this John, you’ve witnessed a damaging relationship between your mum and dad. (I’m also wondering, if one ever show signs of affection to other? If they did show affection in such a relationship, it may cause you some ambivalence about what gestures are friendly or aggressive, in spite of our ideas in the wider world, of what’s generally accepted that friendly or aggressive. Especially, if any sign of affection quickly altered into something like aggression (like if a pat on the pat turned into a slap).) I think because of what you witnessed, your general idea of where the elusive ‘line’ is, is shorter in distance than most people’s – so it’s got the point, where, in your mind, very little or no amount of physical contact is acceptable or appropriate. I think, your fear of becoming anything like your parents is so strong that you try to avoid physical contact altogether. I’m not an expert, so I’m not sure what the best way of resolving this is, I don’t want to give you the wrong sort of advice or risk suggesting something that you make you feel uncomfortable because I know how awkward and difficult social situations can be.
But I hope I have at least given you some insight. Have you thought about talking to a professional about this? It’s up to you of course. Don’t let anyone make you do anything that makes you feel pressured or uncomfortable, we’re all different, and not everyone is the gushing, hugging sort. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, and people should just accept that and take you as you are. There are other, more important things in communication than just physical contact, so when looking for a partner, or even making a new friend, remember that. What’s most important is general consideration of the other person’s feelings which you have plenty of. You say you don’t mind accepting a hug from others, so if your new friend/partner wants a hug let them be the make the first move. You even clarify this agreement with them at the beginning of the relationship: that you’re not particularly a gushing/hugging sort so they shouldn’t take it personally and attribute it to themselves, but that you’re more than happy to accept a hug from them.
I’ll always be here for, and after the hols as much as I’m able. Feel free to message me, and I will get back you instantly (as soon as I receive it). No doubt my sleeping pattern will readjust itself and I’ll be more awake and alert during the day. With my earphones I can block out the sounds of the decorators and fool myself into thinking I’m the only on here. (It’d nice if they actually weren’t here, but nothing’s perfect, and it’s not to affect the help I give you).
I think I can understand what you’re saying about ASD. Is it that you would have a different perception of yourself is a diagnosis was confirmed, and what you were capable of? That it might hold you back? Not just the label or now other’s interpret, but your own consciousness of having something that’s considered a ‘disorder’? And without the diagnosis, there’s the chance it might not be true, meaning you’d feel, in your own minds eyes, that you’d have more leeway? Being someone who has lived with knowing I have a ‘disorder’, I spent most my years more aware of my limitations than capacities. And I know from pure hard, experience, that turning the perception around and thinking about what you CAN do, rather than what you can’t, is a very hard thing to do. But I can’t tell you what’s the right thing for you to do John – only you’re the person able to decide it. I wish there I was more I could to help, or I had the answer about what’s the best way forward, but it’s not as black and white as that. Well, you’ve got your whole life to decide John there’s no rush.
I agree with what you’re saying, ignorant people should not go carelessly throwing around labels like that. It’s offensive, and gives people an inaccurate, dated or over generalised idea about what the conditions actually are. For example, like others with my condition, I’m supposed to be self-centred and lack empathy (load of old codswallop if you ask me. I know plenty of considerate and aware people with ASD – whether their boys or girls. It’s just a common mistake and misconception if you ask me – we just express it differently: e.g. your consideration of other people when you choose to engage in contact – which ignorant people will consider as being standoffish). What a great for citizenship project, I bet it made a great deal of difference.
I think it’s great that you’ve meet someone who ‘gets’ you and you get him. I know it’s hard when you can’t see the people you care about more often, but remember, your friendship will always be strong. I hope you’re able to arrange to met up, sometimes something as simple as seeing a really good friend can boost our morale.
Well let me know if you remember what it was, but don’t worry if you can’t. I left 2 comments on your second post about music, with suggestions about what you might like.
I’m really glad you find my comments helpful and interesting, thankyou. And you’re more than welcome.
I'm sorry if any parts of my reply left you feeling confused, I've just read it back and there are lots of mistakes in there which altered what I was trying to portray. I miss out important words in places (including the word 'not') or the wrong word is in it's place. On average there's at least one mistake in every paragraph. (When I read it I know what it was supposed to mean but that's probably only because I wrote it myself).
Do you want me to correct what I've written? I am able to if you want me too. Let me know, or if you want to ask me specific questions (i.e. 'what do you mean when you say this?') I'll be happy to answer them.
Thankyou for your response in the music post. I'll have a look now.
I hope you don't mind that I didn't reply to this one as soon as the music one, after I'd read through that and due to my 4 hours of philosophy and ethics I literally felt as if anything else I would write would probably just dribble on with no real point at all.
Anyways, I'm writting now so yeah. I don't mind at all that you weren't able to write sooner, theirs no rush, I felt a bit anxious yesterday about the tuition thing I was going to do today so that probably didn't help when it came to writing.
I did some of the tuition today, I started teaching two year 8's the ukelele (Its the first time I've used one, but they work on very similar principles to the guitar), I didn't have to worry about the taking students out 2 at a time from a music class today as they didn't want to add confusion (There was an inspection by ofsted or something going on, apparently they only need to give a days notice of their arival). But I feel a little more confident that I can handle it a bit more next Tuesday, the two I saw who were wanting to specifically learn instruments (One a guitar, but couldn't get hold of one today) were genuinely nice, and quite open, so we had a nice talk, about music tastes and things as well as a bit of teaching of said instrument.
I see what you mean about mean about the IT stuff completely, and at the moment I play the waiting game with UCAS and my choices, so yeah. I have actually got some examplar work to look at so to see if I have missed anything, and again I have to say, I have a tendancy to rant on, but again thats what makes what you write more interesting a read, a train of thought to me can often be better than just plain writing (And plain writing can be better when including a train of thought). Fortunately with ICT my second year doesn't have an exam (Instead it has a unit which involves me recording every file or activity I do towards the project of one of the other two units including time stamping when I did them). I do get annoyed at times with how much work I do for the subject, but I get some kind of odd satisfaction from writting way more than I need to.
The problem I have with the interaction part is more or less exactly what you have described, I don't really know where that line is, it takes alot for me to do something like hug someone (Which I agree could explain some of the feeling lonely), but it isn't always impossible if I know them really really well (Which might be the less possible part) as for the parents stuff, thats also more or less how I feel, except, and this is only again from what I had learnt about my self (as well as human response)in psychology I think it is quite possible that anything I do remember is actually some what repressed, I got annoyed when people were saying that I must have an earliest memory (In psychology), when to be quite frank, nearly all of my childhood before secondary is more of a blur (Seriously there are tonnes of pictures of trips and sports days from when I was younger that I don't remember in the slightest).
I have to be honest, I really hate social cues, those kinda things just irritate me a little sometimes. Obviously they have some plus' but it dosn't make them any easier to spot. as for the labeling, thats again pretty much it, I know it wouldn't change who I am, but I feel I would be finding another way to pick at myself for things that really shouldn't and often aren't as restricting as others might think (Which is a common misconception) I feel like sometimes people judge too quickly.
I appologise if I have missed out some things, I have a couple of things in their that I'm thinking about, I'm glad If I have somewhat helped you and have again found what you have to say very helpful
If you haven't already read in your music post just to give you the heads up I have changed my profile picture. Also, as I said in your music post I don't mind at all, I completely understand.
I'm sorry you felt anxious about giving the younger ones tuition, but it's completely understandable. I hope you are feeling better now. It sounds like you're feeling more confident and I'm glad you got on well with the students you were teaching.
I can totally emphasis with how you're feeling about playing the waiting game regarding the UCAS application too, when you get to the end of your first year at sixth form it seems like something you're forced into doing, even though you haven't really decided yet. My sister is in her last year at sixthform - she doesn't really know what she wants to do - and she's in the same situation, she's got an interview with one of her uni choices but otherwise she hasn't heard anything. I hated the whole process, it was long winded and stressful - but to my surprise and delight, my first choice, which apparently is really hard to get into - gave me an offer. However, the conditions of the offer were absolutely horrendous and out of my reach, especially given the difficulties I was having at the time, so I didn't end up going to that one (I went to my insurance choice) and I spend the summer after my exams feeling like someone had played a trick on me, because despite the conditions of the offer I still had hope that I would get in because I thought they'd seen something in me. Looking back, I shouldn't have put at as my first choice, but should have put the other one that was in direct competition with, with the same standards that was a bit closer to home (I thought it was too near to home and by tempted to come back, which is why I ruled it out, silly of me really) - but I got drawn it by the pretty scenery, location, and story of how the uni came to be. I don't know if I would have got in to that one either but in hindsight I think it would have been better choice. Good luck with the rest of the application. I also totally agree with what you're saying. And you should have seen my personal statement, my head of year said, when talking about it to my parents, 'Most students write from their heads, Wallflower actually writes from the heart', pretty flattering. Unfortunately, most of my train of thoughts have gotten lost for various reasons or another (including 'Displacement theory' a memory theory in Psychology), and it always upsets me and feels like a loss, because the idea of what that train of thought and what it could have become haunts me - but one distraction is all is takes for it come tumbling down, and then it slips away, irretrievable and beyond my grasp. It's funny, how a split second can alter everything. (You can't go dwelling on things so much though, because it'll drive you round the bend). And yeah that's the same as me, with my English coursework, for example, I'd think to myself 'my friend got the same mark and did half as much as me' - so I can understand your annoyance, but at the same time I would get some kind of satisfaction from the amount I did do, feeling that everything I had a value and therefore I didn't want to leave any of it out. Exploring one's train of thought is a quite an experience.
I'm glad what I described regarding interaction was generally correct. I didn't have a great deal to go on, so some of it was down to speculation and what I knew from experience. If what you remember is repressed, it may be affecting you even more than it would if you remembered it, as the unconscious mind is, seemingly, far more powerful and influential than the conscious. However, what you say about your childhood being almost a blur before secondary school isn't that unusual either. I know loads of people who say that - some who can't even remember very clearly until very late in secondary school - year 10 or 11. it must be strange, admittedly, to look at photos and have no memory of them being taken at all, I haven't looked at old school photos in a while (and personally I wouldn't care to do so), but there's something something, some sort of recognition, however vague and distant.
I think some of it is down to general individual differences, however, some if could be repressed. You'll probably realise from what you learnt in Psychology that repression happens for a good reason, to protect us - also this happens to us all - it's only when the memory has serious affects on our behaviour and our mental wellbeing that it needs to be addressed. If at any point, you remember anything particularly unpleasant or distressing past memories - and I'm not saying you will - don't forget to remind yourself that it's exactly that, in the past ('that was then and this is now') and can't hurt you now. As for me, sometimes I look back, some ways it's like it'd happened to someone else. And in many ways, it did. As for getting to know people, how would you feel about starting small? Just a simple pat on the back or a handshake. (Ask yourself what's the worst that can happen?).
I hate social cues too - since going to uni I feel like I have my whole life looking out for them and I am almost constantly paranoid about what people think of me - if it was up to me people would just be straight with one another (although polite and diplomatic of course). I think I know what you mean about the ASD diagnosis. I am (or at least was) the same, giving myself a hard time about something that wasn't as restricting or undermining as people think. In my opinion there's nothing worse about that type of diagnosis than Other People's reactions to it - people are far too judgemental. If you go for getting a diagnosis, I guess that's what you should remind yourself, and if you other people don't like it, stuff 'em (easier said than done though, understandably).
There's no need to apologise as I said we have plenty of times to go over things. (Though I can more than empathise with your own personal frustration if you feel as if you haven't said everything you wanted/intended to because I get that a lot. but remember) There's no rush. And don't worry, I understand. Thankyou so much for your encouragement, it means a lot. I'm glad you've found my comments helpful, it's been most insightful getting to know you John, in many ways I feel as though we're helping one another. By the way, I have listened to some of the music you mentioned in the other post, I've really liked them so far and already downloaded a few.
Yeah the students I taught were really nice :), they were friendly and we even had a chat, so it got on nicely, I'll be doing it again on Tuesday, but will also be helping out with a class of year 8's (2 at a time) so this will probably again make me a little anxious.
I always find myself checking my email now, its almost paranoia I check other emails I have for other things, but I find myself looking for that one which will undoubtbly be sent when I get some kind of decision. I actually chose two courses that didn't have interviews, so this probably explains why I have to wait longer (Many of the people I know already have interviews). I was fairly limited in choice, the course I'm hoping to do is animation, though without an art A level of any sort nor a concievable portfolio I have to go into the BSc Side of courses, of which there are only a few I have found.
both the places I have chosen are about 6 to 7 hours by car from where I currently reside, the longest I've been away from home (And family) was about a week or two so it should be an interesting experience to say the least. I too was tempted by scenary that took my liking, though also facilities they provided. I was so excited when I found the place which is my first choice, had a motioncapture suite (Don't know if you've heard of it, they use mocap suites which kinda look like black body suits with loads of white ping pong balls attached) as I have heard and seen the results and some of the process but never actually seen one.
Thats a nice comment, I have kind of always admired alot of teachers for that, as while I often cannot for the life of me, think of anything good about my work, they can and sometimes come up with great ways of putting it. They also all used to and often still do say I'm quite quiet, which is usually also true.
I think as for forgetting things, its almost something new pushes out the old (Or at least thats how my brain seems to work), There's probably loads of things that you know now that you didn't then , I swear I have the worst memory though. Have you ever lost something, only to find its been in your hand? or put something in your pocket and look for it everwhere but there? (If these were skills I think I'd have a mastery of them).
I always found I've been good at research, when some people do work (I've come across this in applied science) alot of people make most of it up and only use one or two sources. While I find that I always find one source, then from something that intrigued me from that source leading me to another. kinda like when you (Don't know if you've done this) click terms that you don't understand etc. and end up buried deep in wikapedia about some strange online cult organisation or something (I've done this a number of times). I just find things intriguing and end up with page long source lists.
I think your right about the repression thing, I don't think I really remember much, I know what things could have happend but no precise events, I don't think I need to know. But perhaps just knowing that there was something makes me how I am (Sorry if this is confusing).
Hmm again I see where your comming from with the starting small, I did this a bit when I was younger, just literally starting by saying Hi to people. I suppose the mixture of my work ethic and really only being around those I've been with since secondary (Due to times and classes) and as many of the people I did get on with being at different places this year, I've almost felt like I need new people but not really had time recently.
I thought I'd add that, I have met up with that friend. The one who I've always felt more fully understood me, part of this was because I was thinking about what you had said a few posts ago.
We just hung out and talked, played a few games. He's been keeping up better with some friends but as he's almost more isolated from the normal group that I'm still around I suppose this makes sense. He completely understood why I didn't really feel like I belonged in amoungst them and that which I appreciated (He too got and gets these thoughts and things)
I thought I'd add this as I kinda feel like what you said helped me to do something (Even though what I did might be a small step) (Also I'm glad you liked some of the music)
Hope you got on ok reading my last post. Can understand it was a bit lengthy. First of all wanted to wish you good luck for tomorrow (the tuition), and that I'm really pleased you're getting on ok so far, that must be a real boost.
A 'watched kettle never boils' - one very poignant expression. If the email checking is getting to you there's no harm in giving it a few days break - wish your friends luck on their interviews - and I reckon when you next sign on you'll probably have heard back from a few more! I remember you telling me before, that you wanted to do animation and it sounds like a great, and interesting subject. Hopefully not having art A level/portfolio shouldn't be too much of a problem - there are plenty of other ways to prove what you're capable of and if the uni's don't see you for what you are, then they're short sighted.
6 or 7 hours away?! Wow. It might be worth just getting out of your comfort zone - if you can - having a few nights away from home just to experience what it's like so you're feeling more prepared for when you do go to uni. Don't forget what I said either, only go if you really want to and when you're ready. But if you're serious about it and it's what you really want to do, then go for it. And I'm sincere in saying I wish you the very best of luck, and that I'm excited for you. The facilities (as does the scenery, I see about 10 squirrels a day on my walk to lectures), really enhance the experience, and up the status of the uni and it's opportunities available to you - the motion capture suit sounds promising. I really hope you get an offer from your first choice.
Yes most teachers (the good ones), can see traits in people when they can least of all see it themselves. I find teachers admiring too and have a lot of respect for them - my Head of Sixthform - in particular, was good at recognising my good points and rarely hesitated to voice them. They were instrumental in increasing my self confidence and helping me to have faith, and made me want to be a better person. I'm glad you have a set of good teachers around you (not everyone does), that are there to encourage you a give you a boost.
As for forgetting things, I think it's the same with me, although sometimes old info can be so consuming that it will occasionally stop new info from coming in or pushing it out the second it tries to enter. Sometimes I just feel like, there's just not enough of my shell, for me to be everything I am - everything I COULD otherwise be. That I've had to squeeze and cram everything about me: my sense of self, feelings, memory, thoughts, ideas, all untidily into this tiny box that happens to be my body. Do you know what I mean? It's very frustrating. Oh yes. :') the losing things only to find out they've been in your hand the whole time, that certainly rings true with me! Just the other day, I nearly lost my head trying to look for my earbuds, I had literally been looking for them EVERYWHERE, thought I might have to go and buy new ones, but eventually I found them in my hoodie pocket (I wasn't even looking for them there - I was looking for my purse as I was about to pop to the shop to look for new ones) - and realised I had put them in my hoodie pocket for safe keeping the night before, that night I must have intended to take them out on the way upstairs and put them on my cabinet, where they usually are, but before I went up I must have forgot. So it's definitely a shared 'skill', John.
As for research, it happens to me all the time. Sometimes I find myself on such a vast journey online I don't know where to go next (e.g. do I click this link or that link?) - the internet is such a versatile universe, and can take you to such a range of different places - and on so many paths (there's even a name for it, in English class we learnt it was called Hypertextuality) - sometimes though, when I want to go back I can't always remember which piece of information was on which webpage (or wanting to check another link that I miss because I clicked a different link on the same page) - having visited so many. I love making discoveries on there too. People just make up what they find or limit themselves to just one or 2 sources - they're just missing out.
Regarding repression - I know EXACTLY what you mean, it's not confusing at all (at least not if you already understand, when you understand an explanation is not needed but when you don't understand a explanation is not always possible). Is it like there's something niggling away at you, on the edges of you mind? That you can't quite reach? Or do you feel as though you're carrying a burden, but can't identify what it is. I've always heard that the thought or something, or not knowing, is worse than knowing and one could argue that people could just force themselves to dig deeper and confront it, and feel better afterwards. Some finding facing up to whatever happened to them in their past cathartic (alleviating), as it releases the pressure from the unconscious and stops it from having a hold over you. On balance, remembering or 'reliving' a traumatic event from your past - can also be re-traumatising. The idea of repression does have a purpose after all. So it can be hard whether unblocking certain things can do more harm or more good. I know it's not my business, but have you thought talking to a professional this? It's up to you of course it is, but then may be able to help work things through with you in a safe way and context. And they'll be more qualified to judge what worth's going over or whether it's worth it. If you're not already 18 then you soon will be, so you'll be in control - and you wouldn't be obliged to go through with it if you changed your mind. Just bare it in mind, if you don't want to pursue it now, you may want to pursue it in the future.
That's understandable. Sometimes there just comes a point where you're ready for change and something new. And the next phrase of your life will also be insightful in terms of you learning who your 'friends for life' are - the ones who will stay in touch with you. (That's not to say the ones you will eventually - or have already - lose contact with aren't important, or the friendship wasn't valuable - it was at the time; it's just to say that the world is so vast it's impossible not to lose touch with some people. So there has to be something really special and unique, about the friendship shared with the people you do stay in touch with in spite of changes in individuals lives).
I'm sooo pleased you met up with your friend and it was such a valueable experience, which I bet it was helpful to him as well as you. It's good to know that I've helped in some way so thanks so much for telling me. Maybe on the face it you might see as it a small step, but if it's made a real difference then I would say it's pretty significant. It really does have a immensely positive affect when you find someone out there who really understands.
Sorry again for the delay. But at least I got their eventually and I've replied to both your messages now.
Big ********HUGS********
wanderingwallflower xx
P.S. I realise I DID miss something out from your reply on the music post. That you pretend you're looking for a different programme on here when your brother comes in and see you on the computer. I do the same - and that's fine, you're entitled to your privacy. There's nothing wrong with simply just minimising the page and waiting though, you don't need to go out of you way to keep things hidden as - like I said before - you have a right to privacy, and your brother should respect that.
I think I've covered everything now, but if I haven't, don't hesitate to let me know.
I got on fine reading your last post, I don't mind the length, its usually just a case of finding the time to read it, I've been a little more busy lately than usual, but thankyou for giving me your best for tuesday, it went really well, I was kinda suprised actually. Its a large lively bunch but theres quite a few talented muscians in there, apparently the school doesn't actually teach GCSE music anymore as the funding was cut which is a shame, so only up to year 8's really make any use of the place. (on a side note, untill that point I didn't really beleive my brother when he told me different guitars give different sounds, kind of like some sound more whole than others)
Yeah I've been trying my best not to check too often recently, but its just so hard, y'know? I had a similar problem when I was having relationship troubles, trying to stop checking my phone (I ended up taking its battery and sim out and leaving it in a draw, which kinda helped)
Hmm, well I have been away for a week before (I know thats no where near the amount of time I'd be at uni) and I survived so I'm going on the principle that I will get used to it (When I was away last, I didn't even realise that it had been that long, it went so fast, though again it wasn't studying and stuff so Its probably not the same.) I get what you mean, but I don't really know if I can go away for longer, the only reason I went away for a week before was because it was part of a programme and cost virtually nothing. So I might not really have a choice about that one. Thanks though :). Yeah I'm not really in the possition to confirm this as of yet, but I think the location is quite a bit of the battle, not all of it obviously. And thankyou I really hope so too.
It's nice when someone points out your good points, your head of sixthform sounds like she was very nice :), it really does help when someone else beleives in you. I tend to be my own worst enemy at times so its nice to have someone supporting you.
Yeah, forgetting things is annoying, I think someone tried to estimate how much memory (Hard drive wise) a brain was physically capable of holding, but I don't know what it was. Slightly off topic but still on memory, I don't know if you watch Sherlock, but I find it intriguing how they protray things like the 'Mind Palace', Which is a genuine thing, I googled it out of curiosity. It's actually a memory technique that they often teach at a really basic level, the 'Make up the most obscure story relating to these ten objects' thing. I realise this is a great way of remembering things but it takes a great deal of dedication to achieve them. Also I've got one, I put some plectrums (Guitar picks) in the back of my phone case so I wouldn't lose them, having forgot they were there I then searched high and low only to realise I had put them there so that I wouldn't do exactly that.
Hypertextuality? thats cool, yeah the internets like a massive maze of knowledge, Theirs just so much stuff on here thats just waiting to be found, I don't know what kinda things you watch on youtube but if you have the time check out Vsauce, my sister showed me it a while ago, and I watch it quite frequently. I actually used one of the things I heard from there in an essay supporting religious experience.
I have asked to get some more counciling (Not sure if thats the level of professional you mean though) to see if that might help, with anything, I get what you mean though, sometimes re living an experience can be just as bad as having it in the first place (If not worse), on the other hand, it can help because (And I think this is what my counciler told me last time) it helps you come to terms with something in a more rational way than you were capable of at the age in which it was repressed (Or something like that). I'm very nearly 18 now, so I will have that freedom, not sure if that will trigger me to do something though, but we'll see.
About the friends stuff, I see that a bit better now, I think it just bothers me a little sometimes when someone who was so close can become so distant, but thats how things are I suppose. Theres a few people at this point that I hope I stay in touch with, but with any luck, university should be a place where I'll find some people with similar dispositions to myself.
It could just be a phase (I always get down after a few days of being okay usually) but I'm feeling a little better at the moment, the small steps are the hardest ones I suppose.
I don't mind delay take as much time as you want I also ended up delaying so I hope you don't mind either.
I hope I haven't missed anything out, I think you have covered everything so thanks
Sorry it's taken me so long just to get back to you and 'fraid to say I'm going to have to keep this short - for the moment as I'm exhausted. I'm back at uni and have been trying to settle back into it. But I've read through them both once and they made me smile. I might have some time tomorrow to get back to you more fully. Wanted you to see I have read your responses and I am thinking of you. Glad things are getting better.
Don't worry about it I don't mind, reply when you feel able to :). I'm glad you enjoyed reading my replies. I hope you're setteling well, and you have a good time at uni
Hope you are also having a good weekend,
And that your upcoming week is at least equally as good as I hope your weekend is
If you ever need to talk, I would be happy to listen (just so you know).
Try not to compare yourself with others. Reject the selflabelling of introvert. You are not what you think you are. Love yourself the way you want to love and accept others. Believe me, you are always changing whether you realized it or not. Transformation is from within out.
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x 
Joshua
What should I do?
What should I do?
am I depressed? Help
What is wrong with me? What do I have?
