Hi I'm new here and feel like I need help/advice on how I've been feeling for years.
I'm too embarrassed to go the GP, I've had appointments that I've cancelled because I feel stupid.
All my life I've always wondered why I get nervous speaking to people or why I've never felt like I'm good enough for anything, and I just thought that was my personality (which I hated and still do) so just thought id have to deal with it.
Now I'm older its got so much worse and within the past 2 years I find it hard to control my thoughts, I have horrible thoughts constantly about death etc but so graphic, and I don't want to think these things so I don't understand why my brain keeps pushing them into my mind even when I try to stop. It's like I have a little evil voice in my head that I can't stop. I also think I have some sort of OCD, where this voice in my head says you have to check this over and over or line things up in order (even in shops) otherwise you're going to die, but it can get so nasty that I do these things because I am scared if I don't then something bad will happen.
When it comes to anxiety, in recent jobs I've actually left because of the way I was feeling, getting nervous talking to people, I'd feel like I was about to have a panic attack sometimes and I'd feel out of breath and sweat so much, that I would take myself to somewhere quiet just to hide.
It's stopping me do so much because I'm too scared of the outcomes. I'm a worrier, and I always think the worst is going to happen in a situation, which will stop me from doing it, and then I hate myself for not doing anything. It's like I'm scared of everything, scared of what can happen, scared of life. I feel like my imagination takes over my life, but in a bad way.
I feel low a lot of the time too, which makes me feel lonely. Sometimes I'll just want to cry all day but feel like I can't explain why to anyone so I feel stupid which makes me hate myself even more. I hate being alone but then I hate being with people too so I can't win. When I talk to people sometimes it makes me stutter or in my mind I'm trying to think too hard about what to say, especially when it goes quiet, and then when I say something I feel like an idiot for saying it.
I could go on and on but I feel like this post is long already!
I thought maybe a forum would help to get everything out as I'm too embarrassed to go to my GP