I haven't been here for a while, but hi to all you lovely people again! Was looking for some support and advice around family trips.
My narcissist mother and father travel frequently and invited themselves to my city where I live in peace away from them. They were planning to stay for 2 weeks and were putting the burden of accommodation and activities on me and my husband.
I didn't know exactly how to say no. Instead, I planned a trip back "home" to try to put them off. Both trips I want to say no to, but I don't know how. If I say the truth, that I'm not ready to be around the people that caused my childhood trauma, I fear narc rage and drama. I always use being busy as an excuse, I don't think that's going to fly this time. Please help!!
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Littletraveller86
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I'm sorry you are struggling with this very difficult situation.
I can understand you not wanting to be around your parents. Two weeks is a long time to expose yourself and risk stability.
Is the trip you planned to see them to avoid them coming to you? This is the option I would take. This way you have control. Stay in a hotel and have your own space and control of when you come and go.
If they insist on coming your way is there any excuse you can use to suggest them staying at your place for 2 straight weeks wouldn't work out? Even if you can drop it down to one week with you and one in a hotel that will save you from some upset.
I'm really sorry you have to think about inviting this potential turmoil into your home.
Thankyou Dolphin14, I really appreciate your response! It gives me some comfort to know there are options. I was thinking to make the trip as you say where I would have more control. I will consider how I can make this work. My issues are that the trip to see them is very expensive and a 20 hour flight, also I am not sure if I want to expose my husband and stepson to my toxic family at all. It opens a whole new can of worms about managing low contact vs no contact, but it's a slighltly better one only in that as you say, I will have more control.
I am sorry to hear that you have been put in a situation where you have the pressure of your family making it impossible to say no.
That kind of a situation is very stressful and I can see it can lead to triggering situations.
It is hard to say the reasons why we are less in contact with a family member who has caused or contributed to trauma.
I think it is really tough to have to be under the same roof for 2 weeks and forced to have many hours a day of activities.
I had that kind of a situation happen to me in the past and it was traumatic.
I have had to place strong boundaries and even then it is still difficult at times.
Having a reason not to host them would be one way of trying to protect yourself but eventually they might insist on coming and it might force a conversation.
I did say that I needed my own space and privacy and that worked when I was the one visiting as I was paying for my own accommodation and did not want to stay in the same house.
I am sending you strength with finding a way forward, this is very tough...
Thanks Nathalie! Warm hugs to you too and thanks for your response. It's so tempting to just free myself from this situation by going no contact or unloading my truth to them and saying, you did this, I don't want to be around you, but too well I know where that leads. Instead I will take the more measured approach, as you and dolphin14 suggest to plan my own way to see them and try to firm up my boundaries. At least I have given myself space around this and I can try to figure out how to manage this. But yes, this is very awful. Ugh. I'll let you know how I get on. I just really appreciate chatting with you folks about it knowing I'm not alone.
I agree with the others here that it's best for you if you control where you stay and the time you have contact with them and you can plan things ahead of time. The other thing you might consider is spending some time learning how to cultivate strong healthy boundaries for yourself and preparing a strategy for how you are going to deal with your parents because it sounds like they are clueless and can't take a hint and you will have to deal with it eventually.
Thanks and yes you are right on, boundaries are key here. It's finding the strength to say no and disconnect emotionally from the response. When it's family these bonds are deep and difficult to extricate from but I will continue to do the work, and let you all know my progress!
Yes, i'm sure it's difficult and will be painful. There is so much baggage and societal conditioning about putting family first and guilt about putting our needs first plus I think we are hardwired as humans to connect and our first early connections are with family. But I think the harmonious all loving family is a myth and the majority of families are dysfunctional and suffer from crappy parenting and the inability to raise strong independent thinking children, I know that was my story until I learned otherwise. I think the most important thing we can do for ourselves is to reparent ourself with unconditional love and put our needs first the way we should have been in the first place and practice setting boundaries that work for us, there is nothing wrong or selfish about doing it even though it might feel like crap for awhile, you will get stronger.
Wow thanks for saying all that I totally agree and it is a timely reminder of what I must face, and muster the strength to do so. The struggle is real with the social pressure around family as you say, and I have been conditioned subconsciously like everyone else to take my parents' demands seriously however unreasonable. My parents use their finances to bully and intimidate, as when I try to explain I can't afford to take time off work, their response is tantamount to "be better". And when it comes to our history, it's obviously a lot more nuanced and painful than that.
I haven't quite faced the reality of estrangement but it seems like it's a possibility, All I can control is my actions, not their reactions to what I do or say. I love what you said about reparenting ourselves. If I listen to my intuition, or my inner child, it seeks protection from these situations and I may in fact have to stand up and say my truth, use my I statements and face the reprocussions.
You're very welcome, I think realizing what is really going on and how the dynamic has affected you and continues to, helps in your determination to not put up with it anymore and get on with your life so good for you.
I just wanted to add that thanks to you all's support and advice around boundaries, I have emailed my parents using my I statements and made it clear that while I don't want estrangement, I am not ready to facilitate their visit or visits due to the pain that it still causes. I put a hopeful spin on it that I myself don't really believe, but we will see what their response is and it will really inform how this relationship plays out in the future. Thanks again, so much, truly, 🥰
There's nothing wrong with being brave and pushing the boundaries back, when the threat is compromising. So I want to salute you for stepping out of your comfort zone to begin to try and confront your pain. It's never going to be easy or straight forward. They are never going to listen or understand, in a straight line from A-Z. But what you have done, is begun to start to change the narrative, in order that it starts to support your well-being and self-worth.
They may, potentially, not react well and that's the next step.
But you have made the most important step for you, which is to respectfully raise an alarm and indicate that the narrative needs to change.
Thanks for your empowering words of encouragement, yes it is a big step to change the narrative.
I received a response from my parents already, my father (the enabler) was kind and supportive. Because I used I statements and took ownership of my own feelings and mental health it was not perceived as threatening to them, I was vague enough about my "past painful experiences" to not point the finger at them so I guess they were not offended the way they have postured themselves in the past.
My mother (the narcissist) was "oh I had no idea you were still traumatized from your past" which was cruel and oblivious, as she was responsible for this trauma in a large part, but at least they both accepted the fact I am not ready to see them for extended periods yet.
While it is a step in the right direction for me and I am proud of myself for protecting myself, I wonder if it was the implied threat of estrangement that really made them respond so passively. They don't want me to be estranged because it would look bad on them. Thanks for your continued support, I know it's just the beginning as I crawl towards healing and becoming the powerful me I always was meant to be.
I think of my own mother's words, as she and I deal with a mutual relative: the wife of her son/my brother. Coming into contact with the woman, is like entering a period of penitence.
And so, a phrase I really have appreciated learning from my mother, is that we sometimes have to learn to be economical with the truth.
Especially, when it comes to securing our personal boundaries and lives, when this particular person comes to visit.
We are slowly becoming braver....
On reflection of what you have written, I would in my own situation, possibly, go further and tell a white lie: and say, apologies, there is something happening/someone visiting which was already booked into the diary and it would be really complicated/difficult to change/move.
Sometimes it takes a little white lie, as they are called, to nudge the potential outcome off and, along on its way.
That's really not great advice though is it. But it is honest advice !
In future when I am more agile with my movements and less traumatized by the mere mention of my parents, I would love to have the presence of mind to be more "economical with truth", as I'm sure it would save me a lot of pain and introspection!
send them brochures or links to websites for accomodation and ask which one they woukd like you to book them into.
Let them know ahead of time that you have a very busy schedule but perhaps you could have an afternoon together during their holiday abd perhaps a meal.
Send links to touristy things in your area and maybe highlight a few you think they may like.
Adults don’t ‘owe’ their parents anything just as parents don’t owe their kids anything.
Hi and well done for reaching out and facing up to what I consider to be a process.
I reached out to my therapist when I had a funeral to attend and they gave me some practical support and help to manage. It meant I had a clear plan for coping and being in a very difficult emotionally charged environment.
What we want today is not necessarily what we want for tomorrow and I’m aware “family” dynamics evolve as we do this work ... I had EMDR for complex PTSD and found it very helpful in understanding the past and how I want to live in the present.
Hi, I have previously done a lot of therapies but kept returning to a certain space in my mind. EMDR enabled me to process and file experiences. The sessions were with a female psychologist who monitored my reactions very closely. Then intervened to pull me back from the space my mind and body went to. I’m probably describing it badly but between sessions I could process the memory and come to neutral. It really helped me but I think all of this is a process and finding what works for you is the key. Good luck and you’re not alone
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