I'm relatively new to these posts it have been observing for a while. Not sure how to say it but sometimes I feel like a freak and other times I feel completely and absolutely normal. I hate seeing all the confusion and chopping and changing within we. Its brutal, horrific, horrible and traumatic needless to say. Sometimes parts of we can pick it up so quickly and other times I bury my head in the sand as it's too overwhelming. At the moment it's just too much and I don't want to deal with it. And yet I'm forced to deal with it by my daily triggers. Sometimes I don't know who I am and in some ways it was better not knowing how extreme my symptoms are. And yet it wasn't as I was completely taken for a ride by 3 therapists back then. My life's been one massive struggle since then to be able to put the pieces of my life or our lives as we stand corrected! I've been shattered inside to the point that 1 plus 1 was difficult to articulate and answer. Everything was a mess and nightmare and my DID was at its worst. It's got better as I've done lots of recovery work on my own in those 5 years with the help of 1 therapist for 2 years (24 visits). I do it by myself mostly as I'm sick and tired of having to re tell my story over and over again over the past 17 years or so since I was studying psychology and sociology at university that I successfully completed while still being abused. I just don't know anymore and I hate seeing the chopping and changing of myselfves in this post. I feel it internally in my consciousness and I know there's no escape other than integration. And yet I don't even know why I'm wasting my time writing this either.
I am a highly functional person who experiences DID and I don't even want to know how many parts of me there actually are. I just know there is many. At my worst I was still working full time and now I am currently on maternity leave (2nd year) and am 10 weeks pregnant. Don't want to get too excited as had 4 miscarriages previously and I have physical diseases too. Suppose end result of trauma. Body can only handle so much. Most people don't know how I do it. I personally say how can I not. I refuse to be abusive towards my own child in any way no matter what I've been through as a whole. My daughter is sensitive and knows what love and attachment are and has pretty much been glued to me for the past 21 months. Overprotective without a doubt. I'd do anything for her and to know my own parents didn't treat me the same hurts like hell. She and we all live in a safe home environment with our husband. We've worked long and hard at that. More so than most people who haven't been abused and taken safety for granted. For me safety is life and the air that we breathe and our birth right. I give to her what I can from my heart and soul no matter what. Most people I know let there toddlers sleep over grandparents houses. Not me. I guard her and protect her with my life and its my job as her mum. Sometimes I wonder why my mum didn't do the same but I know exactly why. Cultural norms and victimised herself. But yet it's still no excuse. That urge is strong to protect my child and how she let that instinct go is beyond me! It saddens and maddens me at exactly the same time.
Problem is I'm now seeing my daughter needs to have friends her own age so I go to play groups but find it hard to interact as its overwhelming and too triggering at times. Yet I do it for my daughter. I don't want her to be isolated because of what I've lived through. It maddens me as I swore the abuse stops with me and my husband for all the generations in both our families and it has thank god. Yet to see my daughter be isolated due to my ptsd etc doesn't help so I force myself for her sake. She needs those people skills considering only my mum visits her. I have cut off ties with rest of family. Anyway to see how ptsd impacts her unknowingly hurts like hell so I have to do what I have to do and that means sacrifice myself as best as I can and expose her socially to other children. When I do she is glued to me and won't leave my side. Poor kid. Breaks my heart. I encourage her and she's getting better. What frustrates me is that people don't understand the impact ptsd has had on my life since birth and I've done best I could no matter what. No excuses allowed. Way I am. Then I have the anxiety of trying to get her to mingle as best as I can considering I avoid it too at times as don't feel safe even in social gatherings due to past traumas. I try against all odds and just hope she will get there. She is getting better and I hate having to do exposure therapy with my daughter in a way so that she can see other toddlers are ok too instead of being glued to me. I convince myself at least we have the bond and now we can build on other skills to add to her personality and life experiences that she needs. I know I'm doing right thing but its so hard and people do not see the internal war and struggle that happens within. But me, little old me hears it and sees it and does what I need to for her sake. Its easy for people to say she's so attached to you and is by your side all the time. True. But have they ever bothered to live a moment in my shoes? Not a day as it would kill them. Then come talk to me about how hard it was for me to form an attachment bond and hopefully a safe and secure one at that where she thrives. And yes at times. Am having a hard time letting her go off. I try not to put it on her and yet other times I feel safe she's by my side as less worry. Then another part of me wants her to have friends and I hate bing so scared and conflicted. But truth is that's my reality and our reality as a whole. I'm fighting everything I've grown up with and doing best I can with what I know. At least my parents taught me what not to be! Surely the only way is up from that with the right effort, hard work, strength, disciple and goals I have.
Hope this makes sense as I am aware have jumped. Just wanting to know if other parents have similar struggles and if so what they did to overcome them?