I need to vent very badly. I am triggered and so angry. Cannot really write it clearly so angry. But I guess get it out is good? I don't know.
Goes back to how my father is and his urgency for things that are stupid. And cruelty and bastard mean ways that he does . Scares me to terror. So angry that he caused me to have PTSD. Was a huge part in it. I am so angry right now. People acting mean who should not be trigger me to rage. When they should be nice, they are mean, don't care about others and use language and bully and shove others around.
I am disgusted by property management person attitude and landlord attitude. I am so angry, triggered I would like to ....who knows what.
Yes, it reminds me of my father. So yes, that is why I am triggered. I feel rage. I want to bully them so badly and treat them with utter disgust so they will be begging for mercy, so they will never again bully another or treat another with their disgusting attitude.
The landlord comes over and looks at a tree overgrown in the yard and then at me with disgust. Then I get a letter in the mail from the prop. lady so rude. Says you have ten days to weed yard, fix some bbq thing that was broken before I got there.
I had to pay for half an appliance, should not have. But landlord is married to a doctor who is probably an abusive ass to her. You treat your tenant with respect and kindness, not disgusting disrespect.
I have been here four years, kept place up, pay on time, and the landlord has been disgusting not wanting to pay anything to fix anything. I have so much rage.
I feel hate, so much I would like to do many things to disgusting human she is. She (prop manage ) is using language that triggers every bone in my body and it reminds me of the father. I have hated her since I moved in but developed a good relationship by being very nice to her in spite of her disgusting self. Only because I could tell how she is and she cares nothing about tenants and acts disgusting.
I am so angry I don't know what to do. I hate people who abuse their position. I feel like killing them. I am sure, common in traumatized people who were traumatized from such people.
I am disgusted. It all comes up over the holidays, over and over. Triggers, depression, people acting like that. I would love to get that disgusting lady fired for her disgusting attitude. You don't treat tenants like that. Or anyone. I get so angry at people who treat others the way my father does. Sends me into PTSD and rage.
Those people will get the same back. I need to stay calm and deal with these disgusting people. Why, why why, does the same scenario get played over and over, the same pattern in life?
And it is so difficult to break out of it? How? why? how? over and over, the same scenario gets played out, same one that traumatized me in the first place with my father...just different characters.
People are so unhappy and then hurt anyone they can that they feel they have power over. I am so so so triggered. But I know I have to keep my calm and deal with these disgusting people who are the landlord and prop lady who remind me of the disgusting father who I may talk about loving and forgiving at other times. But they are triggering my PTSD and hell.
What do I do? Scared and need to do so much and am scared again. I know what to do and am doing it but I am in rage at the way treated by certain people and am tired of fighting the same patterns over and over and over in my life.
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peacefulandcalm
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The father, the prop lady are both very scared, frantic idiots. They go crazy when something comes up and uses language that is ridiculous. Then it triggers me into rage. I am sure the prop lady was scared by the landlord who was scared by her husband probably who is abusing her I'm sure.
But then it comes down on me, same as in my family of origin, get pummeled by disrespect, bullying behavior of a landlord who thinks she has power over her tenants and does not have to treat them well or listen to their needs.
I need soc sec disability and am so angry right now, feel I have NO WAY OUT of the same scenario over and over in my life.
I'm sure others understand. I need to breathe, slow down, take it one thing at a time, don't react to the trigger, realize it for what it is. Know that I do have power, and deserve kind treatment and respect.
But over the holidays, my father gets scared and starts his cruel behavior sometimes and for whatever reason, others do too. When he does, the world seems to mirror it to me too. HOW DO I GET OUT OF THESE PATTERNS??
Then the negative thinking starts, the fact that the future will never be good, will continue to repeat forever the pattern from childhood.
I mean the idea that the future will never be good, I will be stuck forever in bad situations....I have to work soooooo hard to stay calm, and change all my thinking and feelings.
What she meant to say --was PLEASE and thank you and very kind language in her letter. She got scared and used ridiculous language toward her very good tenant who has been paying always on time. And keeping place very well. Who did not know who's responsibility it was to cut tree and had no sheers appropriate for that. (ok...some dissociation is coming in....talking in third person)
Just same as my father. He is supposed to be loving and kind and respectful towards me, his daughter. He was supposed to towards his wife. But he gets scared and begins his ridiculous treatment towards people, mostly women. Then people get hurt- my mother, me. Anyone in his path at the time.
And we are very kind and cordial- prop. lady- for four years really because I have been very nice to her despite her behavior, the prop lady- because I knew she was a huge trigger and I could tell she was scared and acted like my father. And she could be very mean, I was just kind to her for four years and still am .
It is too hard to explain. I'm sure everyone knows how it is when you are triggered and it is too much to explain when you are so angry and in rage and terror.
It is exhausting. But I need to stay calm and talk to the guy next week about the bbq thing and thank him for taking care of the tree and the weeds and I already left a message for the prop. lady about it, very nice and respectful, said the guy took care of the yard and that I had not broken the bbq thing, it was that way when I moved in, and I had never used it.
I need to calm down. I hate that people who have positions of power or have what we need or any such thing are mean or unconscious and hurt others. And we have to be strong and kind to them and get needs met when they need to be fired, punished, whatever.
It will come back to them. I am supposed to heal, forgive, be strong, get soc sec, and somehow have a life.
talk calmly and respectfully and kindly toward others who are unconscious and act in disrespectful ways or inappropriate and I have to deal with my triggers and how ill my body is and how angry I am. And act in ways that are congruent with belief that I deserve respect, kindness, love. Everyone does. Forgive. Be strong. Be the strong one. Know I am capable, competent. Everything will be ok.
Deal with triggers. Damage in my brain, nervous system.
When my father has been this way my entire life and left me with PTSD and all these triggers and difficulties that I feel I have no way out to a good life.
sorry, very long, there is a way out, to heal. I know. I am trying. So hard. My neck hurts so bad. One step at a time. Call friends, talk it out. Know that I can handle situations, even triggers.
You ask a very good question "how to get out of those old patterns" which repeat themselves over and over and "the world mirrors that".
I am triggered myself and trying to find the answers to the same questions.
It seems like, when one person started devaluing me, 3 weeks later another one did in some subtle ways. It's like a snow ball effect.
I don't have the tools yet but I'm learning through therapy a little bit how to make changes. The bad news is, it's going to take time, patience is needed. The good news is, it's going to be totally worth the effort and the time.
There are different tools, like the somatic experiencing therapy. Inner child work (which I am not good at). Yoga. Deep breathing. And hope. Hope is the only thing that somehow keeps me going.
I do understand...but instead of anger, I am very hurt and want to cry and so very very low, powerless, stressed and anxious. I don't know what to do about certain new situations that I have to deal with this week.
In this state I tend to forget useful tips how to deal with things because my thinking is not working.
All I know that my inner child is extremely hurt and that I have been triggered.
That's a start. We can work on that, step by step...
You HAVE a way out to a good life...
Your father is not you. His problems are his not yours. Don't expect him to change for now, and be your own person, with your own beliefs, behavior, the way you are with other people. You are your own person. Separate yourself in your mind from those people and their beliefs/opinions. These opinions are not yours. You have your own value and need to believe in yourself that you can make it, and keep doing your things, set your own goals and focus on that.
Hopefully the more you focus on your goals, the less the influence of others on you.
thank you....a bunch of what you said, I took to heart even in the middle of my being triggered today....
I have so much more to talk about with you....and on here...just seems half of life is spent in fight or flight and then can barely read or have conversations etc. But I am working on it daily....
I want to talk more about the way out to a good life....depression makes me see only negative . I have to work so hard to change the thoughts....thank you...I am still not totally calm...but reading your words helped...and I will take it step by step...
write on here to people, to you, talk to the therapist, etc. Can only take one little thing at a time..
I'm glad to hear that you are a bit calmer. That's great...
It's I think normal to be unable to think while badly triggered, because as you say the brain is stuck in that fight/flight response so less functioning not functioning at all.
I am experiencing thi's too and after the depression sets in and I doubt myself and my judgement and feel anxious doing anything in fear I would screw up. I notice I am not good in writing and forget words and repeat myself when in this state, and people might judge me but I can't think about that right now.
That's the negative self image talking and taking other people's judgemental way to heart, which is not good. Trying to explain myself only feels like I'm digging under myself deeper and deeper, and it is humiliating for me. People often don't understand ptsd.
It's hard to get up because, although I am safe, I don't feel safe and I want to hide in bed under the covers all the time.
Yesterday I took some rest.
Today I'm trying to push myself a bit to do things at home, slowly and rest often, using mindfulness - so that I see that this is here & now, noticing the details of my home, telling myself "this is safe place, it's not where trauma happened". (My triggers were absolutely everything so it's impossible to avoid them.)
I'm still feeling pretty bad and mornings are the worst (that sinking feeling of impending doom "it's getting worse and I can't deal with anything" - but that's not true. That's the depression talking. So it's a struggle to get out of bed but then it gets a bit easier. One moment at a time.
I'm trying gratitude and mindfulness. Also inner child work (without success).
Therapist asked me to name 3 things that feel nice, at the moment. Three times per day. That's mindfulness too.
It's not like I'm getting better fast but every bit helps...and even if it helps only a little bit, that's already important.
We are doing our best. I am sharing this to let you know that I do understand even though each personal experience is unique, there are similarities. Also sharing what I'm doing at present to try at least not make my state worse, only try but trying is already an action.
Take your time and rest when you need it......and write only when you feel up to it, I do understand!
I know what it's like to be triggered by people. Sometimes I'll have such an intense reaction and I know it's out of proportion to the here and now. So I think it must strike up some old feelings and trigger the anger. I feel this way when dealing with authority figures or someone who is being a bully towards me. I have a problem with being too aggressive when I speak up so instead I stay quiet and then I feel weak. Sometimes it's really powerful. I'm sorry your going through it.
I'm going through this too, Capejoy. And I noticed also, like peacefullandcalm, that it's one after another in short succession. I didn't deal with first one yet, here comes another.
In my case the triggering people are the people I find close and important in my life (friend or physical therapist). It brings old wounds, like you say.
I was hurt by the people who were the closest to me, they did the most damage.
I speak up (stand up) for myself but it doesn't help so much, it still hurts.
I'm really feeling like I want to be invisible like when I was a child I would hide. I feel like I'm doing everything wrong...
I'm on the right path, making small steps and ppl don't realize how their hurtful words are damaging to what I'm trying to achieve. It was physical therapist, saying that I'm a hopeless case because there is no big visible change. It wouldn't hurt so much but for the fact that he has been always so supportive so I consider him an important person in my life.
P.S. I still have symptoms but they are less frequent and/or less strong. I should have told him that. Instead I got triggered and couldn't speak.
yes, authority who abuses power or is mean or disrespectful or intimidating or withholding of what I need and enjoying the power...bullies....one of the worst triggers...
One of the things I have been experiencing is being triggered, walking away thinking I'm handling it ok.
Then I go to see my therapist, she hears it, calls me to account, to address it, and see what underlying persons or events for me have been triggered. It is always uncomfortable, it always stirs something up I was unaware of (last week when she did this, I said sarcastically, Thanks a lot) and it leads on to further recovery.
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