Nightmares. Rage. Nightmares threatening to kill people. Rage beyond comprehension.
I feel trapped, humiliated, powerless to change things.
The rage is incomprehensible. Needing the very people who caused PTSD 's financial help due to being so ill. Maybe sue the people?
Rejection, disrespect, overwhelm, feeling threatened, isolated and abuse, that I cannot do anything to change things, feeling trapped, betrayal or any perceived sends me into rage and a monster inside comes out who scares me so badly. I have feelings of wanting to kill. Pure rage. Adrenaline.
No one understands PTSD in real life. If you are doing badly in life and feel rage or terror or worthless, or unable to change things, or things are harming you, abandonment or humiliated, or dissociated, people treat you very badly.
When you try to make changes, bad happens it seems. Until you decide to become evil like the rest of the world and harm others to your advantage. Somehow not letting in their pain, not flinching as they suffer unbearably, as they do to you.
Apparently, I have been set off so badly I don't know how to deal with the amount of rage and thinking bad is happening and going to happen to me, and people are 'laughing' at my powerlessness, feelings of worthlessness and dissociated ' altered' state.
I have had it with all this. Perhaps my thinking is not in reality, but people cannot be trusted. I know if I could believe that good will happen to me, I would not think this way. That I will have my needs met, that no one will be harming me, that I will have soon, a kind, loving supportive husband there for me.
And most importantly, that I can make a lot of money and/ or have a ton of money to keep people the hell away from me when they need to be thrown onto the cement until their heads crack open and bleed all over their disgusting selves--
Money is everything.
--and anyone with rage knows this sentiment exactly and this monster. (and such thinking of course engenders disrespect most likely and fear, even when others feel the same things, just suppressed )
What or who is this monster inside. It is a different personality or entity inside me. It wants to torture someone and kill. This is not good for people to go through this and to have gone through what has caused this. Triggers. I am tired of the mumbo jumbo. No one understands PTSD and how to help. The world is a big facade of disgusting people, abandonment, rejection, cruelty. It is a dog eat dog world and no one will be there, there is no love in dark energy circles where love is not.
All people really want is money, power and control. This is reality of the world. Either you take it, or others will take it from you. Love is a facade. Healing is a facade that lines others with money in their pockets. And then they laugh. Until the day they are dying and soon, they will be no more. Worms will crawl through them. They have nothing left but to die. Then money no longer is worth anything. Nothing is.
One needs to find a way to line ones own pockets with others money using deceit, trickery, lies, acting, evil.
I am going to visit my friend Richard. I know he will calm me down. But this is all very dangerous. PTSD. And what happens to the mind.
By the way, when the mind is this way, it attracts power tool noise and other people's bad energy noise. Noise begins close by outside. Energy is everywhere and it attracts its like.
Anyone want PTSD? What about the people that caused it, will they get tortured soon. When will the tides turn on evil. Maybe I have become evil. So be it. The world needs more evil for sure to destroy it completely. Sociopaths will never reveal such sentiments as I have just done. They have a candy coating and people will never see underneath. Even when we all know they run the show. Sociopaths are all around us, waiting to attack wounded people like I am displaying here, and others do here.
Can I make my way ever? Let's hope so. The world does not need more violence and hatred and evil. But if things don't help me heal, it is just one more sick, evil individual doing harm among a disgusting species. I talk a big talk, but cannot seem to harm a bug. Instead, I will rescue it and put it outside.
how do you like them apples. Who is that person, wow, shock. how can she change like that. fear. intrigue. oh, humans, when will you wake up as a species. I have gone down the rabbit hole. Too many triggers and stress.
father issues triggered again, surprise surprise. are people shocked by my altered state so different from my other state?
Written by
peacefulandcalm
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It sounds serious and I'm very sorry you are in this pain and distress right now.
It's temporary.
But it's really important that you are safe.
I do believe that trying to think of something positive or neutral helps. But right now maybe you can try by deep breathing? Grounding, like smelling something or touching or looking at something you like and appreciate the details?
Anything that can help you even a little bit to get out of this distress.
Maybe you can try to contact your therapist?
I hope your friend can help you feel better...
It really sounds serious and I don't know what to do except deep breathing and grounding techniques...
You are not a monster and you are not evil. This has nothing to do with bad energy.
You are just temporarily not feeling well.
You are worth all the good things.
I know you feel anger and revenge on that person who caused you to have ptsd. But you are the most important and your health.
Tear old newspapers if it helps you to release the anger.
thank you, that helped, to comfort me. I am scared. My mind feels like it is going to explode. I can actually feel my brain it seems sometimes when these episodes happen.
So worried about getting SSDI. Finished my appeal, going to send in next couple of days, but 13 years late, and six months late from last applying. So much odds against me. Friends say to send it anyway.
So worried financially. When I am so ill and cannot work. Need to address one thing at a time.
I think of you a lot and am amazed that I have this little window of time to log in ....it must be heaven sent that I see your distress!
Yes disassociation is torture and rage is beyond words-I've been there! And the best news is it does fade!
I'm so glad you feel safe enough to express yourself on this forum! There is safety in some little spots on this earth-we just need to find them!
Your description of hurting killing and sounds like mutilating someone is scary but so familiar! Yes we'd love to do that to our predators! And sometimes to anyone we encounter during these terrifying episodes but like you said so correctly you can't even hurt a bug! Your so kind to the smallest living creature! Those evil people on the world don't have mercy on bugs! Remember that! It sets you apart and hopefully reassures you enough to ride the vicious tide of this 'unwellness' and get to the other side! And if like me, you want to see what will happen if you do kill a bug, you'll notice a feeling of 'this is not me' and you'll just prove to yourself that you are intrinsically good and safe somewhere deep inside yourself!
So yes try the deep breathing 3-5 deep breaths, grounding, muscle relaxing(squeeze and then relax each muscle group in your body) breath again...and if you can, distract yourself with nature or something else pleasant!. And tearing paper might help! Or a few hugs-even a teddy if there are no loving ppl, kids or pets around! I hope your friend proves helpful-they say its good for brain change!
Panafon might help the headache associated with such terror and tension.....
thank you so much positiveandcalm, that helped a lot.
It helps to know that others on here do understand.
I know these episodes pass, but they are terrifying. Scare me so badly.
And I do come back like you were saying, exactly, when I am raging mad and then I see a baby cricket, and gently rescue it from the tub, getting so upset that it has gotten wet. I dry it on tissue. So I know what you are saying. It reminds me of who I really am.
Or just my cat. I look at her and it all leaves me for some moments, the rage.
It looks like you are having very difficult time, dealing with multiple severe issues.
Financial worries are one of the worst. It's the base for our existance, to pay our bills. Money is also needed to get therapy and to get better...
I could not start recovery until I had basic stability.
You are also constantly exposed to one of your major triggers, your father. As long as it does happen, it's difficult for your nervous system to come to better state. Being constantly triggered is like being pushed to the limit over and over again. The body doesn't have the time to restore before it has to deal with yet another trigger.
Maybe you can ask for financial help and explain that your recovery means you need some quiet time with no contact with him? Then ignore phone calls or emails.
I know easier said than done...
Anyway, good luck with your application and hope for the good outcome. I sincerely wish you get it..
It's important to vent rage in ways that do not harm yourself or others. Do something physical - tear up a phone book or a stack of newspapers, beat on the mattress. Stomp a cardboard box filled with newspapers to shreds. Burn off that rage energy on things that it's OK to use it up on. Dig up a tree stump. Pull out weeds. I used to take all my glass recycling down to the metal collection bin, name each piece the name of someone I was enraged at, and throw it into the bin with all my arm strength, so it shattered. I admit, I found those shatters very satisfying. Be a good idea to wear goggles or sun glasses, though, because of shards.
We feel helpless when we feel like we don't have choices. By opting to vent rage in
non-harmful ways, we are giving ourselves back the right to choose. I choose to release this fury in a way that does not make me any worse, and that, by defusing it, gives me some relief. I spend that energy clearing out something that needs to be cleared. There was a patch of weeds in the neighbors' yard full of head high pokeweed, that has strong roots. I spent some of my rage on clearing that out, getting rid of weeds that needed to be cleared. (And as a side effect, my landlord gave me work exchange credit off my rent for clearing it out too.)
Murrday that's great ideas.....you seem to have a good stash of them- I benefitted too! Keep them coming! And Feeling empowered by healthy choices are very satisfying!
Peacefulandcalm being kind and understanding to yourself is powerful! And the more we do it, the more we fill our own drained out well of need.
Your right though, when we feel so ill that's all not enough- we need a good therapist - that we feel is good for us(empowering choices again) to help us out of the quick sand! I hope you do find some funding to get what you need and DESERVE!!!!!!
I know the monster I fight with it everyday.. sometimes I just look at me who I know who look at me like I'm crazy and just laugh at them cause they don't understand and my mind is tangled in a painful mess I don't want to and don't have to explain to them to make them understand me.. ptsd has made me mean and I feel like I have my own mess going on.. I don't want to hear how they were late for work.. for how a movie made them sad.. when I have the biggest puzzle in my head and panic attack sneaking up my chest.. when I get the I don't care attitude I found this song and turn it all the up to just try and I mean tryyyyy to stop thinking for just a peaceful second sometimes it helps.. it's called (monster by skillet) it is a rock song but it is the way I feel sometimes.
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