Hi, I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder and panic attacks, in 1993. Looking back I had been self medicating with 60-90 minutes of cardio exercise daily my whole life. To produce endorphins that battle my anxiety. They tried me on 7-8 different antidepressants one at a time with no help. So klonopin and beta blocker and excercise was my go to since 1993.
16 months ago, I was doing my 30 minutes of calisthenics, before my 1 mile swim. And during the push-ups part something snapped in my sternum. It was osteosarcoma primary bone cancer. That led to 2 months of aggressive chemo, where I lost 40 pounds, and I was still eating. I remember holding my arm out to the dr and saying, let’s get going on chemo. The chemo is so powerful you can only have so much in your lifetime. By the third of 11 bags I was scared of it. Bad side effects. Trying to get bag 11 in , I remember not sleeping the whole night. And my wife came in to drive me. And I was on my hands and knees on the bed, begging no more no more, I can’t take it. I had done it the time before too. We didn’t go the 11 th time.
Then it was time for surgery. To remove 2/3 of my sternum, breast bone. They patch it up with plastic mesh and bone cement. So you have a rigid chest now. This is such a rare illness only 20 people in the u s a get the sternum surgery. And 60-80 more get it in other bones . 80-100 people ages 60-70 get it a year. After surgery I could not breathe or talk. I passed out after 2 days and woke up with a breathing tube and my hands tied to the bed for 4 days. I was in I c u a week, and recovery a week. It’s been 11 months since the surgery and 16 months since the diagnosis. I am in remission and am thankful. But I can’t seem to shake fear of reoccurrence. And fear of drs in general now .
Prior to this I am married 41 years. Built up and ran 3 businesses. I didn’t let my anxiety disorder overtake me. I sold the businesses and retired. I have been retired 7 months. The cement sternum is a 24-7 reminder of the whole experience. After the diagnosis I had 2 emotions, fear and terror. I am the patriarch of my family. Daughters and grandkids, wife . If I had been 82 I would have not had to fight. I get up and do resistance band weight training and ride the exercise bike. This helps calm me down. I spend Friday night with my grandkids. I feel better because I’m busy and don’t have time to dwell on myself. It’s like I am frozen in fear? Is this p t s d ? If so how do I help myself? I had a counselor for 10 sessions and she did nothing for me. I have always been a positive thinker. That was before this . Any help is appreciated, thanks
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Daveacr1959
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Hi. I am so sorry that you have had such a hard time and have had so many difficult things to deal with. I think it might be that you are dealing with a form of PTSD. If you are, you need to see a therapist who is trained and experienced in trauma focused therapy. Accessing 'normal' counselling or therapy won't help and may make things worse. I have experience of this. I suffered a brain injury in 2016. I had a very difficult time afterwards and was given therapy and access to a psychologist, but things got worse. It was only once I saw a neuropsychologist regarding my brain injury that I was diagnosed with PTSD. I was then able to get EMDR therapy which was very effective.
I think the key for you is to get properly assessed by someone who knows about PTSD and trauma. They can assess you properly and hopefully help you find the right therapy and therapist.
If I can help at all, please let me know.
P.S. You could also read a bit about PTSD and EMDR online to see what you think.
I do not have much to say because I do not have PTSD. But since I do have occasional depression and anxiety, I want to tell you that you are unbelievably strong! And if you were able to manage all of this all your life while remaining a great husband, parent, and grandparent, you can do it! I am so inspired by your post! I hope you find the peace that you are looking for. All I can advise is, if you believe in God, pray. And also, just let it go as much as you can, because regardless of your fear, your health or life journey has been already appointed to you, and it is not much you can do with faith. So, accept it, will it come back or not. You are strong. You will fight it. Wasting your energy on that fear is like wasting the happy days of remission on being scared of something that might or might not happen. Again, I am sorry it happened, and I can only imagine how scary it is. But, ***, you can make it. Meditate. Find a counselor that will help. Keep switching until you find one! Just keep on going! Good luck!
Thanks for the helpful thoughts and suggestions. I know you are right, worrying about it, only takes away from the happy days . I believe in god very much. I have been seeking god all my life. And I know god is real and loves me . I pray to Jesus if that makes sense.. lol .. I do so appreciate your kind words. You have no idea how much it means. I want to be here for my family is why I try to keep it together. And to let my loving heart help struggling people and animals. But I am scared and I can’t seem to shake it.
I understand! I hope you find the solution! And God and Jesus will be there by your side to help and support your beautiful ambitions! They are in your life, they already proved a miracle to you. They love you! I am wishing you all the very, very best! Amen.
It is normal reaction to feel scared after a traumatic event.
That's a way the nervous system responds to situations like that.
You have good cooing skills and you have a lot of structure in your life, spiritual beliefs, support - that is huge positive.
If you can't shake the feelings, maybe having a trauma therapy might help.
It is scary and it is a lot to process. I understand wanting to go on with life and away from the trauma very well but if those symptoms persist, no matter what you do, it might be helpful to seek professional help as it may make a big difference.
Wishing you good health and hope your symptoms are temporary.
Thanks, I had a counselor for 10 sessions, and I stopped it. Because she just wasn’t able to do much for me. It was like I did 90 percent of the talking. And she sat back and got paid to listen. Or she found the talk entertaining. I am able to help myself more with daily cardio exercise and weight training. And staying busy and keeping my mind off myself.
It sounds like she wasn't a good fit. I'm sorry that you had a bad experience.
I had not so good therapists and some shocking ones. Most don't understand trauma and how different it is from anything else.
Having a trauma therapist that has experience preferably in that specific kind of trauma, makes a huge difference. It requires trust. Also, each person is unique and their circumstances so it needs to be customised.
Understanding specific needs and issues, what works, what doesn't, is really important. There are good therapists out there.
You are one strong person. For me it was difficult to read and take in what you've been through. Don't know how you did it. Hoping that its the same strength that can help you with your PTSD. I hope you find the right therapist to get you through this. Wishing you the best of health. Don't let worry take away your good days. Make the most of each day. Enjoy your life and enjoy your family xxx
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