It is repost of my post from Anxiety and Depression Support.
Hello world once again.Recently I wrote a post containing a brief history of my life and (as it seemed to me), my illness. And I managed to miss the most important thing. Do not ask how.
My mother began helping stray animals about five to six years ago. At first I was glad. And then a stream of negative emotions hit me. Because of the animals that I could not save, because of the animals, it was impossible to keep track of the fates of. I saw the corpse of a shot dog with puppies all next to it, I constantly found out about new animal deaths. One of the dogs had a throat cut (someone had nothing to eat) and had to be euthanized. I was just surrounded by death and misery. Even now, I know too much that I would not want to not know because my mother is still doing this. I stopped when I realized HOW it hurts me.
I used to be very emotional. And these emotions are still in me, but they are buried under a pile of ash. Under the mechanism that began to vaporize them. I remember that I wanted to feel nothing three years ago. And now, the most acute emotions for me are fear, irritation and sadness.. I can still feel something but it almost nothing. I can feel almost no happiness or joy. Oh yes, and if this can help you understand what is happening to me, I have a certain mechanism. I can imagine the hand and the black hole in the middle of my chest, and when the hand goes into this hole, I stop feeling.
I need an advice. And, if possible, the interlocutor. Thanks to everyone who reads this.
Written by
Zed1998
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I haven't got ideas right now but wanted to welcome you to the community.
I can relate to being sensitive about animal welfare. I'm sorry you went through this.
I usually feel too much but one time in my life I experienced not feeling anything. I was 17. It was only one evening but it was the worst experience until that point in my life. It was worse than feeling low or crying. That's when I appreciated difficult emotions.
My way of thinking is that after a period of burying emotions they eventually come out. Not always, as some people I know are not emotional.
I was able to temporarily not pay attention to emotions when I had to be strong to survive or help others but once feeling the danger is over, the emotions come out and it's rather hard.
Each of us develops coping mechanisms to survive things that are too tough to deal with at that time. I ended up developing my own ways because the standard recommended things were not working.
I hope that others can share their experiences and how they coped through this and maybe help you finding your own way.
Thank you very much. And it is not about animals' welfare, it is about things that I saw. I will make an addition to the post to clarify that. And thank you again for your support.
I don't have "someone". Besides, I know that I need therapy or/and conversations about it, but for now, I have to work. So, I just need some way to cope with fear and depression.
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