Sleep or lack of ! Trigger warning !!!!

[Delzek]

With all the meds I am on I would have thought sleep would be easier but NO this is the third night no sleep ! I thought at first it was because I have a new Parrot, I nod now and again during the day but not night's ! I sleep for probably 10/15 mins at a time then awaken with a start ,my fear of? ? I still don't know but have to accept my Nightmares/Daycares ! I am back on Diazepam when I have to go out again (I really thought I was doing well sadly I have relapsed, serious panic attack in the shop)

I feel so embarrassed me! "A middle aged Man" panicking but why? I think I must have been a seriously bad person in a previous life ! I have tried Counseling (one telephone appointment then get told that they could not help me! ???) Sadly this is the only failing with the local mental health care Not enough staff and too many people needing help !

I have now been told 18/24 months waiting list ! I could be cured or even passed away by then! Just don't know what more I can do now! I am still young enough to get another job ,if Have to wait 18/24 months I don't think I would be able to get another job! Sorry for my rant feeling a bit sorry for myself! Thank you for reading my post I hope someone understands how grotty Feel and can give me a bit of advice thank you

Derek

[Lindyloo53 Volunteer]

Hi Derek and welcome. Here we share from our experience.

I hate anxiety, those internal shakes that paralyse me at times. What I have found works for me is confronting my fears and I do this by trying to work out what is making me so anxious and doing it. In the beginning I was terrified of going to the supermarket. It would set up crippling anxiety inside of me. So I would make myself get into my car and drive there after a while I could drive there and sit outside for a while watching people going in and out. Then one day I thought in going to go inside and I did and walked down one aisle before coming back out. When I got back inside the car my heart was thumping so hard I thought it was going to jump out of my chest. Little by little I managed more time inside the supermarket. Today mostly I can go to the supermarket and get

My shopping in my own. If I'm having a bad week then my daughter will go with

Me simply so the anxiety doesn't cripple me again so I can't go to the supermarket. She hasn't had to accompany me in a while now but that's my backup plan.

[Delzek in reply to Lindyloo53]

I would confront my fears if I knew what they were,the only fears I know I have and thats Rats and knives. Agoraphobia and PTSD I don't understand, I have panic attacks when I go outside my apartment block it's so irrational I can't understand why! I also have a fear of fire after being badly burned ,but I can understand that!

When I sleep it's like I am reliving my past yet I don't know if it is really my past or not! I have a. Large part of my memories that seem to be wiped and it's only in sleep that they come back "Or do they" I never remember the dreams nightmares when I wake up! It's just relief that I have escaped from something bad?

I am a non violent person (I did spend a short time in the Army but remember all of that with joy) I am not timid I traveled as a youngster can't remember half the places I have been but must have been there as family have postcards and photos!

Life can deal a good card or a bad one , I got the latter but there must be a reason for that. I get down and despondant but I have always got through it,now with age it gets too much! Thank you for your quick reply! Derek

[Delzek]

Another night and no sleep, pain keeping me awake.Morphine capsules (zomorph) Oramorph pregabelin nothing working for the pain I dare not take my diazepam as the sleep I get with them scares me night tremors sweating profusely nightmares and the next day day scares !

I have no support at the moment although my ex tries her hardest I try to make her think I am recovering but I think she sees through that ! When we first met I helped her gain confidence in herself as she had lost all confidence in herself due to a very bad relationship! How is it possible that I can help others but not myself? I don't want to give up on myself but I find things getting harder and harder just to get through another day! Yet I know I can and will beat this horrible horrible feeling and I will succeed in getting my life back on track! I will not be a victim because I am a Fighter and a Survivor!!

[Lindyloo53 Volunteer in reply to Delzek]

Hi Delzek, have you ever heard of a book called the body keeps the score. I started reading the library copy and went on to buy the book as it helped me understand so much of what was happening to me. You talk of anxiety on leaving your apartment. Perhaps this could be because when locked inside you feel safer, I know this was true for me and at one point I could only leave my home when I was accompanied. Even to therapy I had to have a family member accompany me and

Sit in the waiting room for me to finish. Healing is very definitely a process and I would urge you not to give up. I'm young, well ok I'm not young I'm 64! And I started this journey only two years ago and I can tell you reading my journals of two years ago is like reading someone else's life. I do suffer from clinical depression which is treated with an antidepressant and I am also on an anti anxiety drug but even then I am like 100% better than I was two years ago. I'm having emdr therapy and I believe that has helped me immensely but it's different for everyone. One size does not fit all. Can you make a pact with yourself to be out of bed by a certain time in the morning, to eat a healthy breakfast and take a walk just between two lampposts anything to break out of the Mold you find yourself stuck in. Everything starts with the first small baby step and recovery is no different.

[Delzek in reply to Lindyloo53]

I was able for a while to go out to the communal garden but only in the early hours of the morning, but I had a bad turn and stopped I have not been able to get back to going outside to the garden since! I do push myself to get up so my Parrots get the best care and attention they deserve! So I have not given in yet it's just harder to do what I know I need to do! But I will keep trying until I succeed! I think that's the best way to think just now and then I am sure I will get better!even though I have been trying for so long!

[Hidden in reply to Delzek]

Hi Derek I know exactly how you feel at night I go to bed calm and tired and when I finally get to sleep the nightmares wake me up I’m sweating and my heart is racing and I can’t remember why. I don’t take medication as they make me high the opposite effect that they are supposed to do. Yes you can relapse with PTSD but you never go back to where you were to begin with, you just feel you are back there. Take each day as it comes don’t make plans for tomorrow as you don’t know how you will feel. Talking to us on here is a huge step forward. The first time I did this I thought I would be ignored but no the guys on here were great and taught me how to cope and understand PTSD. Try having a nap during the day to compensate for the lack of sleep at night. Focus your attention on your parrots that will help you relax from triggers. Tell us about your parrots I am interested how many do you have? What kind are they? Come on here more often tell us how you are feeling we are here for you. Talking and reaching out really helps you heal believe me it has helped me big time being part of this group. Don’t be embarrassed I’m older than you and I’ve been there. If you don’t feel like going out to the shop ask someone to go for you only go when you have not been triggered. Go on a calm day walk slowly to a shop you don’t have to go inside, do some deep breathing and focus on something in the street a tree or a flower. Do this everytime you feel calm then slowly make your way into the shop remember your breathing and to focus on something inside the shop. You can always walk out if you get triggered. One step at a time. We are here for you. 😊🌻🐾🐾xx

[Delzek in reply to Hidden]

Thank you for being able to understand, I do come here a lot and try to help others and sometimes ask for help! I normally only ask when things start to get to much, I know I let things build up and then things go awry that's why I ask for help? I have found H U a life saver (excuse my cliche) I get very down when I achieve for me a big step then some how End up talking two steps back, reading your reply I can see that it's actually taking two back but getting to a place that subconsciously I must feel safer? Or more comfortable? I will post a bit more rather than wait for it building up!

I have a Rossaela (Crimson) a Bourke's Parrot (looks like a Northern Rossaela I am in the thinking Blue is a Northern just miss sold as a Bourke's! I also have another beauty a Meyer's Parrot who loves to be told he is a good baby. Or pretty baby he like my Blue Parrot both talk and when given a treat says "Thank you", which actually sounds like they are using a swear word! Three Cockatiels that live with my ex (across the hall from me) all are hand game and very friendly my Meyer's doesn't like females but will still talk to them!

[Hidden]

You are welcome Derek yes I am the same I try and help others and forget about myself. Yes HU is a lifesaver I first found it through an ICU group but I wasn’t getting the answers I needed from that group😟 I came across Heal My Ptsd by chance and that started my journey. Yes I used to phone my therapist because I thought I was going backwards, no it’s part of your healing process three steps forward two steps back, then as time goes on it will lengthen to two weeks forward and one step back! He was always so reassuring to me. Yes you find a place that is more comfortable for you brain to relax 😊 Good idea if you feel a wobble just give us a shout. Help I’ve got the wobbles😀. Your parrots sound amazing I’ve had budgies in the past and a cocktail who used to shout all the time and ask for kisses 🤣🤣 take care 😊🌻🐾🐾xx

[Delzek in reply to Hidden]

Thank you!!! My little friends the Parrots are I think keep me together mostly Blue Rosie and Mikey (Mikey is the latest addition to my little family) I am like their Servant re kisses and tickles! I have to give them all the same amount of attention or instead of kisses it's little bites they never nip too hard though! I see my other birds as I do go across the hall to my ex partner,s apartment I have problems outside of the building due to the panic attacks. But as you say I will get over this (I hope) I try to sleep but I am sure that something will help me and I hope it's soon !

I do have times when the nightmares don't come to me it's usually when one of the Birds are grouchy or my ex is I'll it's strange when I am busy worrying about family or friends (the Birds) I seem to be able to have a better rest? Even though I am stressed worrying about them? I can't explain what I mean!

[Lindyloo53 Volunteer in reply to Delzek]

Pets are

The family we choose for ourselves. I have a little dog, a chihuahua, called Flossie and she's been an amazing support for me. She is often the only reason I rise from my bed in the morning and she sleeps with me at nights making me feel safer.

[Lindyloo53 Volunteer in reply to Hidden]

Three steps forwards and two steps

Back means you're

Still

One step ahead...it can be like that at times. Like now I'm

Feeling I've

Made real steps

In my recovery but am aware

I'm only a bad triggering away from slipping into the abys again.