How can I reconcile with my ex that has CPTSD who pushed me away due to her trust issues?

[LazyChipmunk]

My ex has major trust issues. Due to it she has never had any friends for example. She has trauma and diagnosed CPTSD.

We were together for 10 years, I broke her trust twice in one year. I am not saying this to diminish her feelings but the things I did would not normally break others trust, all of my friends told me, and my therapist said so. But to her it hurt her and she felt I broke her trust because of that, though I would never intentionally do such. She told me despite intention, she felt hurt and because of that cannot forgive me.

She left me after 10 years together in a flash. It seemed as the internet describes a NPD or BPD breakup with a discard.

She said she connects me to the hurt she felt. She tried to forgive me. And it didnt work. Now she asked for no contact to heal and focus on herself. Discarded me, by removing me completely from her life within a matter of days, by removed I mean removed to the point where it seems like I dont exist.

Is it possible with time to reconcile with a person who has CPTSD that pushed you away due to fear of being hurt because of their trust issues?

Before those issues we had no issues regarding anything that would break us up. We were a great match and even further, I sacrificed and did many things out of the benefit that she felt safe with her CPTSD.

[Midori]

Having replied to your other post, I really think this would be a bad mistake as she is part of a very dysfunctional family.

You have been too accommodating, and she has gaslighted you and caused you to break away from your own family.

I don't think this woman will be any better this time than she was last time. Please, I have experience with this, I was married for 15 years to a gaslighting man. I was beaten, belittled, made to feel as if everything was my fault, Alienated from friends and family, moved away from driving range of my family, financially abused, and more.

Please, please, do not go back to this woman and her family.

Cheers, Midori

[The_wOnderer]

I'll be painfully sincere: I wouldn't even try to reconcile. She's not been living the relationship healthily, and you ended up feeling like walking on eggshells, worthless and traumatized. I think she needs to really focus on herself and what really is the problem before putting herself in another relationship, or it will start all over again

[LazyChipmunk in reply to The_wOnderer]

Honestly I would want to be friends. Not romantically involved but I understand.

[The_wOnderer in reply to LazyChipmunk]

Oh, I see. Well I guess time is the best answer, although she seems determined about leaving all that happened in the last years behind her, a lot behind, and I guess she would feel uncomfortable connecting with you, and blame you for not healing. If it isn't strictly necessary for you, I'd leave things as they are, from here (meaning, from an external point of view) it's best to just leave it as it is, focus on processing all the emotions, letting them cool down, growing out of this chapter of your life, and then, if you still have the desire to, attempt al reconnection

[The_wOnderer]

Anyway, if you really want to, you should give her time. A lot of time. And you need time as well. You need work too, to start thinking straight again and see things clearly. Try shifting your focus from her to you, for now. Being impatient to have her in your life again might really bring you to miss crucial pieces of your healing along the way, or worse, confusing her with your healing. Sometimes, to reach what you want, you have to temporarily step away. Trust me, focus on you

[190266]

Lazy chipmunk there are books and sites that explain how to help someone with cptsd - you need to know how to protect yourself too, as the behaviour of someone with cptsd can start to affect your own behaviour.

As someone said you were walking on eggshells, that’s not healthy for you.

I’m sure you are both good people, but trauma has affected you’re ex and now you may have been affect by you’re ex’s behaviour.

You’re ex may need professional help, but for you I think you should work on yourself first.

I have cptsd so I know how bad our triggers and symptoms can become, and until something triggers it back can our mind and body realise its all fine this can carry on for weeks months years. Either fight flight or freeze mode.

I just had a long one from October 2019 till December 2020 - still in it but I’ve gone from fight mode to flight mode.

Think of yourself