I am a survivor of childhood physical abuse by both parents and also had to witness violent Domestic Violence regularly between parents. I lived in terror daily. I now know I had childhood CPTSD. No escape.
As an adult, I tried to distance myself and my husband as much as possible from my still abusive (verbally and emotionally) family-now including adult codependent and abusive siblings. An episode of extreme violence occurred on a visit to parents’ home-preplanned after we set boundaries and consequences on their abusive behavior. No more tolerance.
That made them furious and they retaliated. A brother ambushed us on arrival from a dark hiding place and attacked us with a weapon. He did severe damage-serious injuries.
We called the police and held them accountable. We went No Contact with my whole family who all lied and covered up for the attacker and his co-conspirators. Then other relatives and family friends, church friends..sided with the abusers! They didn’t want to be targeted by then themselves so they chose self-preservation. We went No Contact with anyone who enabled or allied themselves with abusers. That left no one to stand up for what is right. To support us-the victims.
It’s been several years and we can’t seem to make new friends. We are retired and lost touch with work associates. We are homebodies and don’t have ways of meeting new people who could become friends. We have neighbors and acquaintance but just incidental contact. Not friendships. Not much in common. And most people already have their “tribe” or family units and friends set already and don’t seem open to adding new friends. Of course we are wary of new people after being so betrayed by so many people who knew us and our lifelong good characters. Still they turned their backs on us. No one stood with us.
Our faith has been our only solace and comfort. People seem much more closed off to new people since Covid. Most seem content to be isolated within their set groups and not want newcomers. And we aren’t pushy people to initiate or be aggressive or even assertive in making new friends. Trust issues I guess are scars of CPTSD all my life and now my husband’s life with my family’s abuses towards him too.
Any ideas on what older people can do to meet new people that could become “chosen family”? We have no support system at all. While we love each other’s company, we’d like some socialization once in awhile. Financial constraints are an issue too. Many group activities and memberships or lessons..cost too much.
Appreciate any ideas!
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JustZ
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Your background sounds terrifying. I'm so sorry what you've been through and hope you are safe now.
I retired 2 years ago and my life changed quite a bit. I needed to reconnect with my local community but being shy this wasn't easy at first.
I have found volunteer opportunities great - at the local community shop stacking shelves and at the church social functions making teas & coffees etc.. Having a role somehow feels less threatening socially and I really enjoy the casual chit chat.
I don't know where you live but if you like dogs then meeting other dog walkers can be a way to get to know others. Some charities will sponsor you to adopt older dogs and pay for medical expenses. Voluntary dog walking is also available through the Cinamon Trust.
What are your interests? Join an interest group?
Start small, become acquainted and you never know who might become a friend!
I hope you find your way and wishing you and your husband all the best.
Thank you gettingsomewhere! Yes we are safe now. My husband took the brunt of the blows from the weapon used in the attack. He shielded me. My hero! So thanks for asking.
You gave me some good ideas I will look into for my area. We have a rescue dog that’s a senior now so that limits what we can do. And we too are pretty shy socially. You’re right that having a task to do takes the pressure off of “trying” to meet new people.
Your kindness gives me hope that there ARE actually nice people still out there! I just never had to “look for them” before. School, career, former “family”…meant we had built-in associations and socialization opportunities. But losing our school & career connections a long time ago-people move on-and all my fake & toxic family connections due to violence and everyone enabling that violence plus retirement’s unexpected isolation…has made it hard. PTSD from my lifetime of abuse has made it even harder to “reach out” to strangers.
Thanks again for the ideas. Very appreciated! God bless you for your compassion and your kind heart.
You are welcome and I hope you find something you can get involved in and with other people.
Its not just about stacking shelves at my local shop - we have meetings with other volunteers finished by a visit to the pub afterwards. Something I would normally feel awkward about! But I've become part of a group this way and enjoy interacting with the other folk..
You have been through a terrible time. I can't imagine how awful its been for you both.
My family was dysfunctional but never to this extent. There are good people out there and I very much hope you find people you can eventually trust and become friends with.
I’m so glad you found a group to at least have some contact with outside humanity. That’s what I miss. Your volunteering situation sounds ideal.
I will look into some of the other ideas you gave too. I love libraries and will look into what they offer for classes for free.
I love dogs but my local rescue isn’t taking anymore volunteers! They have too many they say! Hard to believe. Like I said, seems people changed after Covid. More closed off on most instances But I will keep trying
I truly know what it’s like to have people choose the side of your abuser. It really sucks. I got that with my mother.
what interests do you two have? Libraries have free groups for crafts and other things like crocheting and board games. There are game shops and schools have events too. You could even volunteer at a local school to read. That’s what one aunt did after retirement to get that togetherness feeling. Look for your local community center. It’s where adults can hang with each other for free. You can also try seeing if it’s possible to get a penpal or start a social media account. I’ve met some good friends on them and we even do video chats sometimes.
Hopefully those ideas help! Hopefully you dont have to move to a new place to find camaraderie. Zen hugs 🫂
P.s. feel free to pm me and we can get to know each other as well 😄
First, thank you for your support. I’m sorry you had to go through what you did with your mom and betrayals. It really sucks but being in No Contact with false and in my case dangerous and poisonous people and those who enable and support them is better!
But it does take work to recreate and rebuild one’s life at retirement age. I thank God for my husband. But I need more “stimulation” and outside human contact than he does.
I’m looking into my areas of interest for free group opportunities. I love novels and would love to join a reading group. Not an option right now with my local library. But I’m on their list to contact me when a book club is an option.
I’m not a “crafty” person at all.
But I love art and art history. Would love to find volunteer opportunities to work in an art gallery or museum. No options in my area right now. Seems you have to actually “know someone” to get even a volunteer position! But that’s what my state is like. Corrupt to the core And you have to have an “inside person in power” to get any edge anywhere Crazy, huh? Volunteers are unwanted unless you have a “political sponsor”!
I was a teacher for decades but schools are a sticky issue right now With the division in our country and issues with what schools teach and allow and with parents’ rights being fought over-well, I’m don’t want any chaos or controversy! Had enough drama in my life. I need peace.
I do have an online friend for years I’ve never met but we text each day. It’s wonderful. But I’m looking for human contact. I’m sick of being isolated like I’m in “lockdown” as a result of my choice to stop the cycle of violence in my family all my life. I’m the only truth teller and for that I’ve been shunned and ostracized. These are wicked people with mental problems who like associating with each other. They don’t want to have healthy relationships. A “Cult of Abuse” is what they all belong to! Embracing known violent abusers.
But I feel I’m the only one being punished in life because I did the right thing. They all have each other-no isolation with them No price to pay. Likeminded abuse embracers Glad I’m free of it
But I’m the only one paying any price! I’m the one who has to try to rebuild my life and it’s very HARD later in life. Everyone seems to already have their set group of family and friends. No room or openness to new people.
So I’ll continue to search out options to interact with people in person. Not instant beat friends. Just casual acquaintances with a shared interest. Maybe friendships can grow from that or maybe not. It’s all OK. It’s just not healthy to be so isolated for so long. I want my best life now!! No more tolerating toxic people.
Have you thought about going to a different church? I know I loved the camaraderie that I got at the right church than I did elsewhere. There are usually lots of choices. You can also ask your library if you can post a flyer for a reading group in your area. Possibly do it in your own home if they can’t loan you space.
It sounds like the area you live in may be too small to start over.
That’s a great idea about posting about a book or even a movie/DVD club at my local library. I do already spend a lot of time at the library. Always have. But no one talks to you there! Lol.
The church part is tricky. I loved the church I went to for years. But my ex-family also went there. Not as consistently. But they are wolves in sheep’s clothing and fooled so many people there that they were “such godly people”. I’m not an outgoing person. Not on social media. So I did make church friends, these people also were friends with my ex-family. When my and my husband’s time of need came-after my ex-family planned a violent attack on us (retaliation for our boundary-setting on their continual abuses)-those church people didn’t want to “take sides”! How do church people NOT take sides when it’s a small community with many of my ex-relatives included who ALL KNEW OF THING ABUSES! So these people at church also knew of my lifelong child abuse, domestic violence in my home too, adult abuses (more verbal and emotional and included my husband as a target because they hated ME for being the family truth teller) culminating in the need for boundaries and then their retaliatory weapon attack. We had police reports, photos of my husband’s severe injuries, hospital records..Still the “church community” didn’t want to get involved by taking sides. That disgusts me. And I was the “sinner” to all of them for calling the police on “family”!! A violent criminal felony with a weapon was committed against us. With felony battery against my husband. But what they focused on was MY act of involving the police, appropriately, for a brutal crime! My husband’s injuries caused lifelong, permanent medical conditions to his head and face. But these churchgoers made an idol of “family” with no boundaries ever needed, even when they are lifelong abusers. That’s what was more important to them. So I left that church and ended those fake friendships too. Being a cycle-breaker among abuse enablers and embracers is a lonely life. Even church people don’t care or understand. Or they do what’s most convenient for themselves. Afraid of being made uncomfortable or losing the “friendships” with known wolves. My ex-family is VERY accomplished at wearing masks! They bribe and groom people as a lifestyle. They have to! If healthy good people knew what they really are they’d never be friends with them. And my ex-family knows that. So they give big donation checks to the various churches they frequent sporadically. Always changing it up so they can’t be really known. They give lavish gifts to relatives and friends. Have them over for dinners. All grooming for future when they eventually are exposed for what they really are. They think ahead. Cover their tracks ahead of time. And to this day they still do their smear campaign on my husband and me It’s what they’d done all along behind our backs. Maybe anticipating I’d be the one to expose them. And those church people are happy to interact with them on FaceBook etc. Knowing what they know? Disturbing to the soul.
I’ve tried several other churches since then. Haven’t felt connected yet. But I know that the betrayals I experienced at my former church makes me wary. I will keep looking though. I do online Bible studies and readings. Again, still no human contact
I do live in a very small state and locality. Not much going on. Considering a move to a more active state with no triggering memories. I hate living here where those people breathe the same air as I do! But the PTSD and medical issues I have from decades of toxic stress make me pretty dependent on my Drs who know me for so long. Scary to start over with new Drs.
Thanks for your good ideas and supportive kindness!
You could move 30-70 minutes away so that you can socialize even further but still be close enough to the doctors. I do know a lot about the trauma bond too. It was scary to move from Michigan to Oregon. I was there 20 years and learned because of social differences in the two areas, that I needed to move back. It was quite scary, but what was more scary was being more traumatized. You can’t really heal if you’re still in it.
Very true. Being at the “scene of the crimes” where there are unwanted instructive memories all around hasn’t helped.
I’d love to make a move. Looking into places that are compatible with my personality and most importantly financially affordable. That’s a big issue too. But I have to start the search. I need a new start but I don’t want to make a mistake. I have a secure home that I love. Mostly paid for. Good safe neighborhood. Affordable. Just nothing to do!
I applaud you for making a big move even though it didn’t work out. There’s a lot to consider with an out of state move as you know. And I have my husband ‘s needs to consider too. Insurance coverage in a new state. He’s got medical needs for life from the attack. But research and maybe short visits to desired places are the answer in the future. Meeting with Drs so I make sure my treatment plan stays the same.
Sorry you have to know all about trauma, trauma bonds, targeting, gaslighting, cognitive dissonance, sabotage, smear campaigns…All the usual tactics of abusers.
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