Just finished work where I was threatened with a knife a few days ago. One of my residents decided to put a knife upto my neck. At the time I dealt with it, I didn't care if I got hurt but at the same time I convinced myself she couldn't hurt me. Other staff kept going on that she could really have hurt me, I just laughed at their comments. I still work where my trauma/attacked occurred. I love my job but it is high risk for similar things to happen although what happened to me is the worse situation. I was told to write a report about what had happened so I did. I removed myself from what had happened and wrote briefly and as quickly as possible. I was shaking, numb and full of all mt ptsd symptoms. I missed out the important parts about what actually happened, I find it easier to pretend that things which trigger me have not happened. This morning my boss spoke to me about it. She threw all these questions at me about it, why didn't I do this or that, shout for help etc. I did do most of what she said but that isn't what I wrote and she said she doesn't need to be worrying about me with everything else she does. I know its because she cares but she's always quite harsh and angry when things do happen to me in work. I don't need this on top of everything else I'm dealing with. she doesn't understand and I know that's why she reacts the way she does, I also know that if there is one person who wants to understand me and my situation its her. I never know the words to tell her, I don't think there are any. Now I feel lm looking in at myself from the outside. I can't relax, breathe or calm myself. I can't think and I feel nothing. I haven't slept at all since it hapened on Monday night. I don't know what's going on and keep waiting for the next bad thing to happen to me. it always seems to be me all the violent/aggressive things happen to and even those I work with are saying this.
What happening to me? Im lost, extremely fearful and I'm not coping. can anyone help please.
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martinerd
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Hi, I'm new here. I can't offer you any advice but just to say that it helped me to know that there are real people on here that are really thinking of me.
I have no idea what you're going through but I still feel it. A fellow human is in trouble. Maybe that's too deep, I don't know, but I've always been able to feel other people's hurt, maybe why I'm so messed up lol, feeling too much.
I hope it helps that I'm thinking of you, throwing some invisible hugs from the UK.
Thanks oonagh. It helps to know I'm not alone. I live in the uk aswell and there's not a lot in the way of support/resources here, as your prob aware.
Your reply means a lot to me.xxx
Martine,
WOW! What an awful chain of events. Your life was threatened - that for me would be another source of PTSD. You went numb - it sounds like what I experience when I dissociate - it's like I'm up in a corner watching myself. Your boss - honestly, sounds like an abusive person. Always harsh and angry, and I didn't hear one ounce of support for what you went through. I can't defend her actions.
I'm not the person to give you direction on what you've gone through - a professional could tell you best how to manage the world you live in. My only thought would be - don't try to do it alone! Seek some help, and it doesn't sound like there is any at your work place.
I'm so glad you felt safe enough to share on this forum. You are not alone, Martine! We'll be here for you.
Dissociate - I've never thought of it as this before. Everytime I seem to make some progress, I started back in treatment last week, I get thrown back again. I'm hoping it works this time, I have to hope, its all I have left.
I'm really glad I found this forum, as I am alone in my recovery. Sometimes I'm ok with this and others it panics me. I know that those around me cannot understand or accept the changes in me. They do not realize how much it scares me. Its easier to just isolate myself as I deal with my symptoms, rather than have more people judge me. This appears to be a place where I can be me and this feels safer to me than trying to prove myself to others.
You're so welcome, Martine! That's why I mentioned dissociation - the numbness and lack of feeling is how it manifests for me. Good for you to be in treatment, and moving forward.
Reread the response from Stuck1 many times - she's right on target with how you responded in the situation!
I do understand how isolating it can be for others not to understand. My family is in recovery for alcoholism, but they don't "get it" about my PTSD, and minimize what's going on for me. Yes, this forum is becoming quite the safe support resource, and I for one, am thrilled!
I completely agree with you about all you said and your right about stuck1! You both always give me great support and advice. Its great to know that your both out there, aswell as the rest of this community!
You always give me great advice, I can always count on you!
I'm off work for a weeks holiday now. My niece, who I've brought up, is gonna be 10! I was just 15 when my sister had her and I had to bring her up. My mum tried to help the best she could but it always came down to me. My sister then moved out when my niece turned 2 and left her with me. My sister is a bit better with her now and my niece now lives mostly with my sister, as I couldn't look after her with my injuries after I was attacked. I don't regret it and would do it all over again, but at times I think that this was probably traumatic on me aswell?
When things do happen to me straight away I block them out and try to forget about it so that I can function enough to go on.
Thanks a million!! You couldn't have put it any better and it is exactly how you said it. I will be rereading this over and over again, like Dan says, to remind me of this!
Sending you big hugs back.
Martine xxxx
WOW! What a terrible thing to happen. I'm sorry that happened to you.
It sounds like you dissociate and remove yourself from the situation. I used to call it "frozen mouse syndrome." When I was being abused I would numb out and get very still and quiet. Reacting just brought more attention and abuse. It was not until after I was out of the situation that I would react.
You say that much of the violence and aggression is aimed at you. This could be because people can read your signals: your body language. You may be walking with your head down, slouching, not making eye contact of any number of things. Find out what signals you are giving off and work on them. It may help to do something to feel stronger like take a class that will make you feel more confident: yoga, boxing, self defense, weight training, rock climbing, swimming, or any number of things. There are programs like Outward Bound. They build confidence by getting people to do outdoorsy things. It's about moving the body. This will change your actual brain and body chemistry and people will be able to see it.
Great advice HealingArtist, thanks I will consider what you have said. I've never thought about my body language before or how it could be impacting me.
I've considered self-defence classes before, but fear has always deterred me. I do have a gym membership program that was supposed to help my physical injuries from deteriorating, however I found that I benefitted more psychologically from it. I haven't been in the last month or so as I wasn't doing well physically and have had a lot more tests done. I plan to go back thou as this probably hasn't helped me lately.
I have done things like that out of a justice thing I have running in the background of my head. Fight, Freeze or Flight, you chose to fight in the best way you new how. There are no right or wrong answers, just should of could of's that create guilt.
I have done things like that out of a justice thing I have running in the background of my head. Fight, Freeze or Flight, you chose to fight in the best way you new how. There are no right or wrong answers, just should of could of's that create guilt.
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