What kind of therapy should I try? (trigger warning)

I had a tough childhood, eldest of 4, an alcoholic father, depressed and stressed mother who didn't hide us from their fighting or her breakdowns, my brother had serious mental heath issues and was always suicidal and self harming. Life was hard growing up. I started with anxiety at 19 when my grandad died suddenly and my nan was rushed into hospital and nearly died, all in the same month. It was health anxiety my main focus but after some counselling it eased off. I had health anxiety again about 12 years ago for a couple of years following a misscarriage. I always had anxiety but it didn't stop me living, I went on holidays, uni, work, socialised.....

4 years ago I lost my grandmother suddenly. The previous year my brother became violent (he has a personality disorder aswell as other mental health issues) he turned up at my house and hit my husband for no reason, pulled down our front wall and went crazy. I had to call the police to have him removed. My poor son witnessed it as it all happened so quick. After this i was told by my family to forgive him as he was ill, stupidly I did. A year later he one day flipped again and chased me in his car, calling me hurling abuse at me telling me he was after me. I ran into the police station where he ran in after me and tried to hit me but was arrested. After that day I cut him out of my life and as a result my sisters and mother cut me out of theirs as they resented me for not forgiving my brother, yet again.

2 months later my son suddenly took ill and had an emergency operation. Within 2 weeks I started having panic attacks in shops and ended up agoraphobic. I was afraid to go out due to the panic but also afraid of seeing my family. I became a recluse I couldn't go anywhere even with hubby. I would sit in the car whilst he went into shops or even the park. In the end I had to sit down and tell my children that mum couldn't go out as they were asking why. They were fantastic and supported me no end. It gave me the motivation to go out and try. I read Claire Weekes books and out I went. Everytime I did the children high fived me as I left a shop or cafe, it was amazing and i got my life back. In 2013 I had a fab summer then in the November my sister got intouch hurling abuse at me for my mum having high blood pressure, telling me if my mother died it would be all my fault as she was heart broken I had split the family up. I had a huge panic attack sat at home alone. The next day I had intrusive thoughts. It was so bad I made my husband remove knives. I had a nightmare of my brother chasing me with a knife, I have no idea why other than since I was a child i hated knives as my brother used to self harm with them and it scared me, so I think that nightmare triggered my intrusives about them too. I no longer really have the intrusives, very rare.

I went and got some advice from my GP, terrified what he would think of me. He told me I was the most caring, loving mother he had ever met. I asked if I had PTSD and he said no, but the way my family had treated me had caused such high anxiety. He said my family were toxic and told me to stay well away from them. He had warned me for years my brother was dangerous. I asked for a referral to the mental health team, he didn't think I needed to but I wanted to for my peace of mind.

I had the assessment and they told me I had suffered a huge loss losing my grandmother who was my world and more like a mother to me. Then for my own mum and sisters to cut me off when it was my brother at fault was terrible and of course threw me into high anxiety and ocd with the intrusive thoughts. He reassured me I wouldn't do the things i was thinking and they were purely a product of high anxiety.

I went and had CBT privately. It was a form or ERP to face my thoughts and things i was avoiding. It worked and I got my life back. She taught me to face everything. I was back out living. It helped me. I was back able to do appointments again and restaurants, cinema, holidays taking anxiety with me even though i was anxious i did it.

Then in August 2015 I started feeling very fatigued and weak, GP ran tests and it looked like and underactive thyroid was developing, hence my fatigue. They wouldn't treat me but would monitor me for the time being. By the winter I was feeling so unwell with fatigue and weakness and it was during this time my son was being bullied so severely he told me he wanted to die. It was horrific and I was struggling seeing him daily vomiting before school, begging me not to leave him there, he was having severe panic attacks all day school kept saying I had to pick him up as they couldn't support him... it was awful. During this time my mother rejected me again when I was brave enough to ask her for support, silly really as she didn't help me after my brother attacked me. She rejected me and my son and it hurt all over again. My health deteriorated during this time, my energy crashes were so bad I'd be bed ridden, i couldn't walk my legs were so weak and I was terrified to even walk around my house I felt I was walking on a boat or marshmallows. It was terrifying. My GP came to see me, ran bloods and diagnosed stress of seeing my son so ill and coping alone. Bloods all ok but May 2016 they finally started treating my thyroid.

During this last year of chronic illness all my anxiety I worked so hard to overcome after the attack came flooding back. I now can't do appointments again after a huge panic attack during a blood test where I made a total fool of myself panicking I'd faint. Awful, worst attack I have ever had. I have since avoided going to any appointments, GP comes to my house. Due to how unwell I have been feeling with fatigue and weakness I lost all confidence and being in energy crashes I spent so much time at home I became cut off from life. Social anxiety and agoraphobia crept back and probably worse than what it was a few years ago. It's been a tough year health wise, my son is now well and doing amazing, my mother rejected me all over again and it's all taken it's toll and last month my anxiety spiked the worst it has all year. I have been told it's due to the stress I put myself under to have the perfect Christmas. I have bad memories of Christmas because after I was attacked my mother and sister made my life hell for 2 years, bullying me to forgive my brother, my sister said she would make sure I never had a family again if I didn't... my mother left me struggling with agoraphobia and anxiety after what her son did to me and I was abandoned. Every birthday and Christmas I get anxious as I know they will want to see the kids and I have to see them. I let my mum visit once a month to see the kids but everytime I see her I smile sweetly, hide my ill health and anxiety for fear of further rejection and after she has gone I have huge energy crashes where I end up in bed for a couple of days with awful fatigue. I am told this is huge stress and anxiety caused. I do this so my children see their nan who they do love.

My mother visit last week and I had a panic attack when I saw her, she turned up unannounced and wanted a heart to heart. I have never told her how much she has hurt me and rejected me but I let it out, I panicked loads and cried my eyes out. I wish I hadn't but it's out now, she won't change and she wasn't that loving to be honest. She said sorry, admitted she has let me down the last 4 years and that was about it. I crashed for 2 days so bad I was bed ridden over new year and hubby had to even help me walk to the bathroom. It passed after 2 days but since I have felt very tired. Normal? my therapist yesterday said my crashes sound very much stress caused and maybe the daily chronic fatigue is the thyroid.

My mother is very close to my siblings, is with them daily helping out with childcare of her grandchildren and spends a lot of time with her children. I have been alienated from my family because I wouldn't forgive my brother and let him back in my life. My mum had a family Christmas and was upset I wouldn't go, she just doesn't seem to understand the effect of what my brother did to me has had on my life but also I have realised I am over what he did, it's been the treatment from my sisters and mother that's hurt more. They are all so close to him, they were vicious to me those 2 years following what he did to me and all blamed his mental health and left me struggling, sending me abusive messages saying if he died I'd have blood on my hands etc.. it was awful. So bad my own father cut his children off disgusted with what they'd done to me, as did my gran and auntie. That's how bad it was.

I saw a therapist in the summer of last year as all the ill health, seeing my son ill etc had got on top of me. It was going well, she specialised in PTSD and she was very helpful. She taught me about the trauma brain, why anxiety is switched on due to trauma and after a few sessions she asked me to talk about the trauma with my brother than later my childhood. I found it hard bringing it all up but she made me realise my whole life had been trauma. My childhood was not normal and full of mental abuse, I never felt safe and abandoned, then in my twenties I moved out and got married and my mother was angry I left her so she destroyed my wedding day, a day I can't get back. She begged me to forgive her when I had my first child so I did and we were close when my babies were young then as soon as my brother became violent towards my family she abaondoned me all over again. I cut my sisters out as their abuse was making me worse and I came on leaps and bounds for doing that and even my own mother last week said they have done far too much for me to ever forgive them. I have tolerated my mother the last 4 years even though she's not supported me knowing my struggles and recently my ill health, aswell as my sons struggles but this year the rejection has hurt more than ever.

She has seen me in huge energy crashes in bed when she's visit, she's watched me make her cups of tea and meals when I am so ill and never offered to cook or clean so I can rest during her visits, to give me a day off. She will then leave and say 'rest when you can' and go away and not call for weeks on end to check how I am after seeing me unwell. I have had no support and have had to take care of 3 children, school runs and cooking daily, my husband is amazing once home but he works long hours. The whole year has taken it's toll on me and as the year has gone on I have found it harder and harder to see my mother. So last month my anxiety suddenly spiked bad again like it does every CHristmas knowing I have family wanting to visit. My anxiety became so severe, fearing I'd be ill at Christmas if I saw my mother I was in a right anxious state crying all week leading up to Christmas day. I had arranged for 3 weeks for my mum to visit Christmas Eve at 10am, so she could spend a couple of hours with my children. She didn't turn up, I tried calling and got no response. In the end my step dad text to say my mum had been out shopping with my sister and would call me later. I was livid yet again she had broken plans with my children, she's let them down so many times the last 4 years because she ends up spending the day with my sister and her children. So Christmas Eve I sent my husband and children to her house to drop the presents off and they stayed 20 minutes. We had plans the rest of the day so hubby was angry she didn't bother to make the effort with the time we had arranged with her to see our children.

So this is why this year it's been harder for me with my mum. That now it's got to the point if I see her I have major energy crashes and my anxiety rockets worried why I crash so bad after seeing her. All adrenaline caused I am sure. The year has taken it's toll and this constant rejection hasn't helped. Now I feel torn what to even do about my mother, if I didn't have children I'd cut all contact but I put their needs before my own.

So the therapist in the summer was great then one day out of the blue she said to me 'I don't know why you've let yourself become agoraphobic again, you must feel less of a wife and mother'. It broke me and after the session I emailed her upset because I couldn't understand why she would say that to me, being agoraphobic again was upsetting me without a therapist confirming my deep fears that I was a bad wife and mother for being ill. She knew I had physical ill health so it wasn't a choice I made to be struggling going out again. I was devastated as I found her therapy with anxiety and PTSD helpful. I stopped seeing her after that but always wonder if I should have carried on. I have had 2 sessions recently with the therapist I saw 3 years ago who helped me overcome my agoraphobia and anxiety, she doesn't talk about the past at all she doesn't believe that helps and she focuses soley on moving forward and what can we do now to deal with the issues the past has caused. So she works on exposures and working towards overcoming negative thoughts etc... I am not sure if that is what I need.

I was never offiically diagnosed with PTSD on the NHS but I was by the therapist in the summer, she said it was obvious I'd suffered a very traumatic life.

Sorry for the HUGE ramble, my life has been full of toxic crap lol! I am so blessed to have a wonderful husband and 3 beautiful children who are my world, we are so close and content now away from all the negative people. My question is what kind of therapy should I be seeking? I feel I am traumatised and lost all confidence this last year being ill, it's made me very low, I am on treatment for my thyroid but still so tired and i think a lot of that comes from anxiety and the low mood all of this has caused. I know also I stay in the anxiety cycle due to fears of seeing family everytime it's one of my childrens birthdays or Christmas. It's never ending and I stay in this turmoil of having to see them for my childrens sakes.

Any advice appreciated. Thank you.

Ju

[positiveandcalm]

Wow! You've been through so much! !!!! It's so hard when do much is happening and there are so many things out of your control-those toxic ppl in your life just keep the spiral going! !!!! I think that's the hardest part! !! Also the past i have no advise for! !!

But you ill health and it's decline despite trying therapies and a seemingly supportive Dr is frustrating! !!! Ive been there! !!! What i found is that my Dr was well meaning but just touched the surface of my issues and trying to help but he actually made me worse! !! Until i met my therapist that I've been working with for 3 years now. -yes it's a long time! !!but after a life full of trauma like most of us suffered it takes time to get on track! This therapist uses EFT CBT EMDR and an amazing concept called something like 'nero psycho immunology' its the understanding of how the body transfers trauma and emotional pain into physical pain and illness!!!! which is so real!!! Don't think it's in your head! It's so real medical issues that develop and even deteriorate the body BUT the only way to relieve them is by dealing with the trauma and emotional pain! !!!! Now like you ive also been to therapy before to deal with anxiety etc but until i met this therapist i didn't get down to the core stuff! !! I finally felt relief that someone understands my core being and how it works and with the most empathy support and understanding ice ever experienced in my life! !!!

So please look it up in your country and see what you find! I hope you find someone with add much depth patience skill and profound understanding! !!!

And congratulations on noticing and appreciating the blessing you have in your life! ! That's amazing! !!!!

I hope this is helpful! Looking forward to hear! !!!

(((Hugs))))

[positiveandcalm in reply to positiveandcalm]

Correction: the only way to deal with these medical issues is not only dealing with the emotional part but rather a team work approach were the gp phsycologist physiotherapist and any other professionals connect with each other and understand the connection they all have and the support they can all give as a team effort! !!

I wish you luck and can't wait to hear what you think!

[Hidden in reply to positiveandcalm]

Thank you for your kind reply.

I have been through a lot and I didn't realise it until I had therapy in the summer when i had to talk about my life and she told me what I had been through was a very traumatic childhood and basically my whole 37 years. It shocked me to the core.

The therapist I was seeing in the summer who confirmed I had PTSD said that hurtful thing but maybe I was too hasty giving up on her as she is a pschotherapist and she does CBT and EFT. I sometimes wonder should I go back to her but because she said I must feel less of a wife and mother being agoraphobic again I felt I had to stop seeing her.

I definitely think all the stress has led to my health problems, the stress led to anxiety and that has led to my health turning upside down. I have huge energy crashes after seeing family or talking about them so that speaks volumes. I feel weak in my legs most days and woozy, which I guess is all the anxiety and worry on my mind. The way I think definitely impacts me physically. The negativity makes me feel terrible and this year I want to change that and make this year the start of my new life, yet I fear it's going to be another year of pain and suffering because of what my family did to me 4 years ago, I can't face another year of it and now all the ill health. I want to be able to accept the ill health and move on and build a new life for myself with my greatest blessings, my husband and children. I think I deserve that. I just wish I knew how to let go of the pain and turmoil inside i feel for my mother and siblings. I just want to move on.

Thank you for your kind words. It means a lot to me.

Julie

[Nathalie99 Partner]

Hi Jingyd35 and welcome to the community.

Thank you for the courage to share your story. I have added a trigger warning in the title as it entails details of the trauma.

You have been through a lot, particularly in last few years. I see you have done already quite good steps with doing CBT and reading Claire Weekes (excellent choice for dealing with anxiety). I suffered from very similar fatigue to what you describe and also have underactive thyroid. I believe it is related to stress hormones that are remaining on such high levels that eventually the body shuts down for a few days.

Your family situation being complicated, it's not possible to withdraw from your mother for the sake of the contact with your children.

In terms of therapy, have you looked into other modalities like somatic experiencing? It's an approach based on the trauma being stored in the body. There are ,any ways that can help in coping but it is also very individual and you might need to try different things to see what works best for you.

[Hidden in reply to Nathalie99]

Thank you for your kind reply and for reading my story. Sorry I should have written trigger warning myself, sorry about that.

The therapist I was seeing in the summer who confirmed I had PTSD said that hurtful thing but maybe I was too hasty giving up on her as she is a pschotherapist and she does CBT and EFT. I sometimes wonder should I go back to her but because she said I must feel less of a wife and mother being agoraphobic again I felt I had to stop seeing her.

I haven't looked into any other therapy because to be honest I wasn't sure what therapy to look for. I was told psychotherapy was the best for trauma so I went for that. Then I went back to just anxiety therapy but I am not sure if that's for me either.

Thank you for your help.

Julie

[Nathalie99 Partner in reply to Hidden]

Hi Julie,

If it were me I wouldn't want to return to that therapist after that hurtful and judgemental comment. Therapists that are specializing in treating PTSD are usually different from general ones. There are many methods. There is special trauma based CBT (Ellen6 can tell you more about it) or somatic experiencing (where I can tell you more about it). But there are more options.

Exposure therapy can be useful at certain stages but if the triggers are too bad then it can do more damage than good sometimes. Generally my opinion is that it is good to combine exposure therapy with other form of therapy specifically for the trauma. I was agoraphobic too and couldn't get to therapy so I started doing exposure therapy from my home with a therapist. It didn't quite help. What helped was reading on the subject of PTSD to better understand what I need to do and finding this forum that directed me to good resources.

Take one step at a time I know we want to solve everything right away but then it's too overwhelming. Set yourself small achievable goals so that you have satisfaction and grow self confidence when you achieve them. Even very small thing is an achievement. Congratulate yourself on them and be kind and compassionate towards yourself...

[Nathalie99 Partner in reply to Hidden]

P.S. There is also a link between thyroid problems and anxiety, depression, mood swings etc. You need to have your thyroid under control first. There is a very helpful community here on HU called Thyroid UK. You can follow them here: healthunlocked.com/thyroiduk

I agree it's important to work on agoraphobia and have some coping skills/grounding techniques first but I think it's important to address the trauma that is an underlying issue here. From reading your story, there were periods of time when you were doing well and then new circumstances caused you to crash again. To me it feels like it triggers past traumas and the only way to fully heal is to address it. It's not easy but you have everything to win - your family and the life without fear. Having a professional trauma therapist would be the best but it's only my opinion. Having official diagnosis helps but C-PTSD is not included in DSM-V.

It's tough, that's for sure.

[Hidden in reply to Nathalie99]

Thank you so much for your help.

Can I ask what DSM-V is? So the therapy would be talking therapy or psychotherapy? Like I was having before it got difficult with the therapist I had.

Yes I use that thyroid board and they've been amazing to me.

Thank you for your support it means a lot to me.

Julie

[Nathalie99 Partner in reply to Hidden]

Hi Julie,

The DSM-5 is Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders en.wikipedia.org/wiki/DSM-5

It is used by psychiatrists to diagnose people.

It is complicated because C-PTSD is not yet classified as a diagnosis and therefore it is a challenge to get the right treatment/therapy as it is often misdiagnosed or diagnosed under other things like anxiety, depression etc.

The talk therapy is the same as psychotherapy.

For (C)PTSD however there are far more effective forms of therapy. There is EMDR, trauma focused CBT, somatic experiencing and many other modalities. Some of them are not refunded by the public health system. I found my therapist in a private sector. Have a look at our topic "Therapy experiences" and see if anything resonates...

healthunlocked.com/healmypt...

[Hidden in reply to Nathalie99]

Thank you for explaining that Natalie, I appreciate it.

I think that's the therapy I was having, trauma based CBT. Do you know what that actual entails though? I have had CBT for anxiety in the past, I just wonder how it differs with trauma.

I shall take a look, thanks.

Julie

[Nathalie99 Partner in reply to Hidden]

Hi Julie,

I don't have experience with trauma based CBT so I can't tell you much. Ellen6 knows more about it.

Good luck...

[Hidden in reply to Nathalie99]

Thank you

[Lindyloo53 Volunteer]

What you have been through is horrific. I'm wondering since you are being so badly affected by your mothers visits with your children if you could ask her to meet the children at the park and then send your husband along with them. If she insists on a visit to your home then maybe go out to a freinds while she's there and leave your husband home to open the door to her. I commend you for recognising your children love her and allowing them to still love her without clouding their memories while at the same time keeping them safe.

You could of course stay in bed when she comes and get you husband to say you're sleeping a migraine off.

It's really sad your family can't or won't see how badly they have treated you or supported your decision to have no further contact with your violent brother after all your not telling them what to do. Hold fast to your decision because clearly it's the right one for you.

Don't feel guilt about not attending the family Xmas, you must do what's right for you. I suspect the brother would have been there in any case.

Stress hormones can make you extremely fatigued. Rest when you need to, keep up your fluids and eat nutritious foods.

I hope things get a bit better for you really soon.

Good news that your son is now doing well in spite of him having been bullied. It does show what a fantastic supportive mother you have been to him that he's come through it.

[Hidden in reply to Lindyloo53]

Thank you so much Lindy, I burst into tears when i read your first sentence. I don't know why but anyone recognising what I have been through as tough makes me realise what a terrible life I had with my extended family and kind of weirdly makes me feel better that I haven't imagined how awful it was. I guess that's because my sister said to me after my brother attacked me 'Get over it, it's been a year, siblings argue and make up' She really didn not understand just how severe it was because in their eyes toxic violent behaviour is the norm.

My sister even used to hit my mother. My brother hurt his children and had social services at his home and that's why he had an issue with me and my husband and attacked us twice in one year because he was convinced we had called Social Services on him, which we hadn't. My own mother and sisters gave me a year of hell accusing me and this was before he attacked me. I was accused of doing it daily, they'd watch me on social media and dissect everything I wrote and try to use it as a clue as to why it was me that rang them on our brother. All utter nonsense and the bullying led to me breaking down so by the time I was attacked I was an anxious wreck and in the middle of that year I lost my beloved grandmother who i haven't been able to grieve at all because of the hell I have been through.

Yes my brother was going to my mothers Christmas meal and she still expected me to come along. My family really do not realise what all of this has done to me and don't recognise that their actions since have caused me further suffering. My mothers rejection, the vicious messages telling me to forgive him, being blamed he was suicidal and full of guilt, blamed for my mothers ill health. Then 2 summers ago my sister wanted me back in her life I agreed to be civil, I so wish I had just continued to have zero contact as I was doing better. Since she has asked often to have my sons for sleepovers, which I won't allow as my brother lives in her same village and always at her house. At Christmas I told her I was unwell and that my husband and children would visit them the week leading up to Christmas to exchange presents, she sent me a vicious message saying 'I want to see those children at Christmas Julie. I miss them a lot and want to see them!!!' I hadn't said she wouldn't see them, I just said I'd not be attending due to my chronic ill health. I broke down crying and my husband was livid. It's why I dread every Christmas.

My mother deserted me after I was attacked, she knew that day he had told her he was after me and was going to do something terrible to me, she didn't call me to warn me or ring the police. Afterwards he was arrested and put in a cell for 4 hours, noone called to check I was ok, my own mother turned up at my house that night screaming at me that it was all my fault and if my brother took his life I'd be at fault. It was awful. I hadn't even had him arrested, the police arrested him as he assaulted a police officer after he attacked me. I didn't even press charges, I wish I had looking back but I was so afraid of him and my family. My mother didn't support me after when I went through 2 years of anxiety and agoraphobia but time and time again I have let her stay in my life for the childrens sake. When I became ill a year ago she let me down all over again and now after the last year I feel worse than ever about my mother and it's dragged up all the old traumatic feelings and that's why I think right now i am feeling so low and anxious again, the year has been tough and got on top of me. I feel overwhelmed.

Sorry I have rambled on. I am so grateful for your reply and the good advice I will take on board.

Julie x

[positiveandcalm]

Y you are amazing for allowing your mother access to your children! Amd more importantly for not letting the toxic relationship spill over to them but still PROTECTING THEM from her. That's called stopping the chain of abuse! That is my goal as well! May you and your husband have the strength and courage to give your children the loving caring protecting supportive family life that you-and most of us on here-missed out on! !!! good over you! !!!!

It's a great eye opener a huge step forward when we can recognize that our medical issues come from our emotional stuff ie triggers! You beat me to it! i was 44!!!! And just like you said it helps when ppl recognize how Traumatic your past was! It's also healing relieving and freeing when we recognize were ouor medical stuff comes from. This gives us more compassion for ourselves which helps the healing process and helps us be kind to our body and let it rest recover get help etc to heal as well! !!

Regarding the therapy:would you ask that therapist that was helpful but said that nasty congenital to please explain what she meant by it bc is been bothering you very much! !! The key to good outcome is a truely transparent therapeutic relationship!

I hope I'm making sense! !!

Keep well!

Glad you joined!

[Hidden in reply to positiveandcalm]

Thank you for your very kind reply, it made me feel so much better.

That is what I try to do, still let them maintain a relationship with their grandmother because I had such a loving relationship with my mothers, mother and she was more of a mum to me than my own. I guess inside I want that for them but know it isn't possible, but I wouldn't stop them seeing her unless her toxic behaviour was starting to effect them. I am very careful about that. It is hard putting their needs before my own but I guess it's what us mothers do

I did email the therapist after she said those things and she apologised and she said she hadn't meant them how they came across, she was just trying to understand why I was allowing the agoraphobia to limit my life if I so wanted my life back, it didn't really explain why she said I must feel less of a wife and mother but I just thanked her for her explanation and ended treatment. I was sad because prior to this she was helping me a lot.

Thanks again for replying to me. I just feel very lost right now and not sure where to turn next, whether I need therapy again or do I have to go through this alone.

Julie x

[positiveandcalm in reply to Hidden]

Wow! You are an amazing mother! !!!! Please don't go through this alone! !!!you did that for long enough! !!!! It sounds like this therapist was helpful and if keep her in mind just in case but being that she 'doesn't understand why you are LETTING your symptoms limit your life if you want your life back' these words make me think that she is not add deeply understanding add she needs to be! !! Maybe she doesn't have the skill i don't know! !! I had many therapist asking me questions like how can i let myself. ...amd it always bothered me that that means they don't really understand! !! My suspicions were correct when i met my current therapist who understood amd explained why i can't do what i so much want to do! What hold me back and why and what we can do about it! !!! It's a long process but the depth of it is so reassuring and energizing for me! !!!! So please keep looking for another therapist who can deeply understand know and explain more than you about yourself and commit to compassionate helping you free yourself from the horrors! !!!

[Hidden in reply to positiveandcalm]

Thank you.

I am so afraid to go to a new therapist as I know I will have to drag up all the past again. I prefer to do online therapy too due to my agoraphobia. I have been searching online today for another therapist and none seem to jump out to me and I worry what someone new will think of me having anxiety, trauma issues, agoraphobia, social anxiety.... I fear I will be judged so that scares me too.

Thank you for your kind words.

Julie

[positiveandcalm]

Oh! And yes we good mothers put our kids before ourselves but we also learn to look after ourselves so that our kids will learn that skill to! !!!! That means self care-rest food fun spirituality or anything that helps us fill our own energy resources so that we can give to our children! This is a skill that i am learning now and trying to pass that on to my children as well! The lack of it is so clear add i see them having thier own children but not knowing how to care for themselves. Us learning and practicing this is an eternal gift for them!

Thinking of you!

[Hidden in reply to positiveandcalm]

Thank you so much.

In my recent anxiety setback the last month or so I have felt such awful body weakness daily in my legs and fatigue in my body. My husband says it's all the stress I am under right now with the anxiety daily and I keep adding fear as to why I feel weak legs, that it can't be anxiety etc... I just cry all day while the children are in school, anxious to walk around some days. No fun. I keep going and cook, tidy up, pick the kids up... but i wish I could stop fearing such basic symptoms that I should know are due to anxiety and stress, but that is how sensitive I seem to be right now.

I usually do yoga, meditation, etc.. and lately I haven't been able to as I have felt so weak, drained and low. I am also eating basic foods, when usually I love eating well and love my food. I am living off bananas, oats, toast and jacket potatoes.

I know I need to just allow the physical symptoms to be there and let my body recover, and eat well. Do my yoga and meditation and add some fun back into my life instead of worrying why I feel weak, why I am anxious again, why I crash after seeing family etc... I am stuck in this loop of taking the children to school, coming home and resting due to how weak and drained I feel again, cook my meals, watch tv, I started knitting today.. but then once I get the children at 3 my anxiety ramps up again.I had a panic attack cooking tonight as I panicked at how weak my legs felt. I wish I could cope better with anxiety. The children don't see me panic, I am good at hiding it and I take myself off to my room to let it pass. I'm a pro but they are aware I haven't been myself recently and I don't like that.

Thank you for your kindness.

Julie

[Ellen6 Major Contributor]

Hi jingyd. I agree with everyone, you are an amazing mother. You have been though so much. I read Natalie's reply about therapy, so here is my add on:

In UK I don't think GPs are that great about recognising PTSD. I see an NHS trauma focused CBT Therapist and it was him he told me it is PTSD. ( to be honest I'd always been suspicious, as it seemed pretty clear cut with flashbacks, anxiety, panic attacks, nightmares , insomnia, etc, etc)

To meet criteria for a mental health team in UK (CMHT) , a person has to have very complex mental health problems these days. ( sadly, things are changing ). But to get access to psychological therapies can be easier ( depending on the area you live). Some areas have self referral services on the NHS, such as Steps to Wellbeing, but each area of UK will be different, ie, some may only accept GP referrals.

I did try psychodynamic counselling ( privately) but it didn't really help that much as all I did was talk about stuff and wasn't really able to process it. With the Trauma Focused CBT ( may also be called high intensity therapy) you talk about a traumatic memory and then the therapist does some mind quietening / calming techniques). This can help 'dissolve' the pain associated with that trauma. You can't actually get rid of the memory, but you can help try and process it and change the way your mind reacts to it. It is hard and the exercises take a lot of perseverance ( I have exercises I do out of sessions too). It is to try and help reduce the over thinking. He has also taught me techniques to help if I'm getting a bad flashback or moment of panic / anxiety.

It may be worth checking out what is available in your area, especially if you don't shave the fees to go privately. But if you do have the fees, you could check out the register of psychological therapists.

I wish you the very best and do let us know how you are doing.

[Hidden in reply to Ellen6]

Brilliant advice thank you.

I went to the NHS 3 years ago, referred to the mental health team who diagnosed anxiety, told me to cut family out as they were the reason I remained anxious then put me on an 18momth waiting list. I went private and saw a therapist for anxiety and she was great. I overcame a lot of my agoraphobia and treated it all as anxiety because I was told no matter what caused it you're here and it's best to deal with the here and now and what it's caused. That therapy did work but this time being ill has been a huge trigger, my son struggling and my mother rejecting us all over and plain has made it all flood back.

I'm looking for a good self help book. I've read 2 and they were good. One was specifically about ptsd but found it made me a tad anxious in parts.

My therapist assured me ptsd does cause anxiety, agoraphobia, social anxiety anxiety no isolation so I know I've ptsd. I had nightmares for months after what happened but no flash backs. I was just terribly anxious and terrified to leave my home. Every sound when alone in the house is jump out of my afraid to answer the door even to the postman as I'd have a panic attack (still struggle with this), can't socialise as have strong panic attacks, can't drive far as I feel dizzy and anxious (I was chased in my car that day).... I feel I have too many issues. I can't even go to appointments. Hubby takes the kids to andpppi tmentd ll of theirs. I did do my daughters Christmas concert last month in the church, huge thing for me and I was so proud even though I crashed in bed the next day 😀

Thank you for your help.

Julie

[Ellen6 Major Contributor in reply to Hidden]

No worries Julie. It does sound like PTSD. I hope you are able to get the therapy that you need and deserve. Sounds like you are really in the thick of it at present.

I find some books help and some don't.

That's great you made it to your daughters Christmas event.

I'm not surprised you are feeling exhausted. PTSD is exhausting cos of all the emotions and you are working hard to raise a family too.

I think it's great we can share stuff in here. I'm thinking of writing a post as not feeling great today.....

[Hidden in reply to Ellen6]

Thank you Ellen.

It's been 4 years since the attack yet here I am still struggling on and off. I hit a wall when my health started suffering a year ago which I swear is caused by all this stress. I have chronic fatigue and an underactive thyroid.

I also think all the ongoing trauma having to see my mum and sister on birthdays and my mum wanting to see the kids every 4-6 weeks it drains me and for some reason after everytime i see my mum I crash in bed with fatigue and body weakness for 2 days. So now I worry more about seeing her as the crashes are so severe. I guess because of all the emotions and anxiety I feel during her visits.

I have anxiety, depression that is situational and comes on when my anxiety and agoraphobia hit hard. I have social anxiety and tend to isolate myself and just see my husband and children, which has got worse this year since I have been ill but since the event 4 years ago I slowly cut the world out as I was scared to trust anyone and developed panic disorder so would panic away from home and around people, then I became agoraphobic because of that. It's been hard. I overcame all of that and had a good 6 months or so then I became physically ill and it all flooded back.

Can I ask what books you found helpful?

I am so sorry you're having a tough day. Big hugs to you. Thank you for taking the time to help me.

Julie

[Ellen6 Major Contributor in reply to Hidden]

Hi , I'm really not surprised you come crashing down after seeing your mum. She sounds toxic. It's s psychological reaction to trauma maybe.

[Hidden in reply to Ellen6]

I wonder if its common with ptsd to have a physical crash after being around those that caused the pain.

Julie

[Ellen6 Major Contributor in reply to Hidden]

Yes, in my experience it it.

I crash after therapy sometimes too.

[Hidden in reply to Ellen6]

Me too. I will feel so weak and fatigued after therapy for about a day.