I'm working this days on speaking my mind even in situations when I feel scared and anxious . The goal is to feel more in control and succeed in drowning my limits and not let anyone speak to me disrespectfully or aggressively . This is a real challenge to me.
last week when I met my new psychaietrist I succeeded in doing that . I thaught about what I wanted to get from the meeting and said it even though I felt very tensed .
This week I had 2 more situations when I should have acted according to that principle but unfortunately I couldn't . The first one was a call from my mom wich is a very judgmental person telling me again that I'm acting like I'm not a part of the family, actually she had a very aggressive judgmental monologue about how I don't care , and generally how every thing I do is wrong. I admite every conversation like that with her makes me feel like I was ran over by a bus. It paralyze me and I can't say anything wich encoruge my mother to feel that she's right. This time I've asked her to calm down and asked her if she called me to start a fight. It was a lame way to try to stop her. what I felt was a brutal attack . It didn't work it just made her angrier.
I talked about it with my therapist wich suggested the next time this would happened I can say something like " I can't talk to you when you speak to me like that we can talk again when you'll calm down". I guess it's a good advice but I'm worried that when it will happened again and knowing my mom it will happened I will feel paralyzed and wouldn't do that.
I think I wrote here how much I appreciate my therapist. But when I talked with her yesterday she really made me feel anxious . It wasn't what she said, I agree with every thing she said it was how she said it. She sometimes has a very assertive way of saying thing and she raises her voice a little . Because of my experience this assertiveness scares me I'm very sensitive and it makes me feel under attack . We have an agreement that I will try to tell her if I feel my anxiety is rising during the meeting and that she will stop the meeting from time to time to check if I'm ok. I told her that I feel anxiouse but couldn't tell her why. I'm afraid that if I'll tell her that the way she speak is making me uncomfortable she will not want to help me and I really don't want her to leave me.
I had a really strong emotional reaction to what happened in the meeting when I came home. At first I felt frozen and all my muscles were contracted, I was overwhelmed. After 3 hours I cried a lot and avantually I took a sedative and managed to go to sleep.
I hate feeling like that, like everything is too overwhelming . It feels like I could never take charge and feel safe in my relationships.
This work I took on challenges my deepest fears.
Does any of it makes sense to you or am I completely loosing it?