Isolated

[Rontgen]

Sent to Coventry again, only 2 weeks out of psych ward for OD.  Was gentle, now angry again.  Gardening is her hobby not mine but she demands I help = emotional blackmail.

Mother could get a cleaner and gardener but expects me to do it instead or controls and crushes me into doing what she wants, when she wants it and how she wants it.  Says I won't inherit if I do not do as she demands.  If she is downstairs, I am up and vice versa.  The dogs usually stay with me, thankfully.  Emotionally she has made me completely dependent on her and she on me, that now, even at 55 I do not know how to cope alone, too scared to leave home even if I could.  She is 88.

Son living in London with my sister to be near work until he can afford a place of his own.  I miss him so very much.  He has ADHD, Dyspraxia, Dyslexia and ASD but also a B.Sc degree and great at anything technical.  I am jealous of sister, feel trapped alone and jealous of my brother running a scuba diving business while his partner is the judge of The Dutch Antilles in Aruba, Carusol, and other islands.  She decides cases herself, they have no jury.  My brother swims with the sharks.  I would prefer the free dolphins but great lifestyle in beautiful weather and loving company, retired there before 50!  Escaped the rat race and didn't want kids, even though she was torn between kids and career but chose my brother as her surrogate child.  Keeps looking at my son, who looks just like my brother and I, and probably ponders what if?

I want company  but do not feel sociable at all. CPN came today and I took dogs out alone and kept myself to myself.  Dogs and chocolate comfort me and feedback from here.  I feel so lost, withdrawn and scared like a small child alone in the dark. 

[Murrday]

Letting you know that I hear you. I go through spells of withdrawal at times too. I'm glad you have the dogs. Animals are lovely company, caring and never judging.

When feeling lost and scared it is important to gently nurture yourself. Have a bath, curl up in a cozy blanket, have the scent and sight from a bouquet of flowers, things like that.

When I am seeking to nudge myself back out of isolation, I go to the library. It's quiet, people are friendly, but leave me alone unless I ask a question about finding something, and then they help me. It's a way to be around people a bit without any pressure to interact.

And you can come here for company too. There are a lot of caring people here. Please keep us posted on how you are doing.

Regards, Murrday

[Rontgen in reply to Murrday]

Thank you.  I do feel comforted by my dogs, snuggling up in my fleece or in bed, I try to eat chocolate to fill the huge gaping hole inside me that is impossible to fill.  I just get fat and develop physical health problems as well as mental ones.  I do really appreciate the friendly, non judgemental, caring feedback and understanding here.  People can realise what I am feeling and offer suggestions as you so kindly have. 

[Murrday in reply to Rontgen]

The hole we try to fill with food is a lack of nurturance. Often, food was the one type of nurturance we could get, even when it was not really what we needed. We substituted food for the absence of caring from others. So we cannot fill that hole with food. Still, I have found that, for me, I can fill it with kindness.

I grow flowers. I took some rooted iris plants to my neighbor today. He's an older gentleman who also loves gardening. In that moment of sharing something good that we both enjoy, I filled my emptiness for a while. Also when I have extra vegetables and I share them with friends, and at the local food pantry. When I do something that nurtures others, because I wish to, by my own choice, it nurtures me, too.

[Nathalie99 Partner]

Very sorry about your relationship with your mother.

I really care and think about how you are doing. I hope you can find some sense of support

[Rontgen]

She was less tired today so less critical and judgemental of me.  Why am I always the scapegoat for everyone?  I am sure I am on the Autistic Spectrum Disorder as my son has inherited this from me, I believe.  I find it hard to get on with people and cannot understand social cues and facial expressions or lip reading across a room.  So I feel left out and easily ostracised 

[Nathalie99 Partner in reply to Rontgen]

I am very sorry to hear that. But you are a valuable person no matter what your diagnosis is. I know how living in abusive household can drain any self confidence but there is also another side. You being you, your passion for animals and I'm sure much more.....

[red85]

Oh my gosh, I wish we could hang out. Just watch movies and eat and drink and laugh. Whenever I get my own place, it's going to be a total refuge and you're all welcome there. We'll have tea and baked goods, movies, games, furry friends, quiet time, hikes--whatever's healing! Please imagine a retreat for yourself where and with whomever you like! You deserve it! 

[Nathalie99 Partner in reply to red85]

I would love those hikes, red  And I'm a fan of good tea. It's a bit far but who knows...

[Nathalie99 Partner in reply to red85]

Good idea by the way, a lot of people suffer in silence and isolation and it makes such a difference to create possibility to participate in something and be around caring people...and have some fun.

[Rontgen]

Thanks guys for the support.  It does help.  I had a phone call last night from the Halifax saying that they had just gone through all their usual procedures in dealing with a fraud case and so did not owe me anything in compensation !  I handed the phone to my mother, I can't take it anymore.  has gone on for over two months now and I keep foolishly thinking it is all over but then they come back at me and rake it all up again.  Mother got angry with them and said I had been offered £150 compensation over the phone on their last call, so what had changed.  I have mental health issues and this was told to them on their many recorded phone calls.  Their lack of consideration, compassion and recognition of me being a long term, loyal, honest  customer were not considered.  They do not know what is happening in the other departments of their own bank and could not deal directly with Paypal due to secrecy laws, which sounds fair but puts all the onus on us to prove that I am innocent !!!  I have had had enough of doing this all my life.  I just felt so dirty, sullied, disbelieved and disrespected as I have been many times before.  I started having flashbacks, panic attacks, loss of any confidence I might have recovered and felt like spmething they had scraped off the bottom of their shoe.  My mother saw how distressed I was and just said Oh don't you start getting upset again !!!  I so very nearly took another OD but I do not have enough stocks yet for it to be fatal so I will have to be satisfied  with self harm until I do, because nothing really changes in my life.  My mother is making pots of flowers for my cousins who stood by us lately but i do not want to help because I did not want to be "saved".  I wanted to die, that is the aim of an OD not sympathy.  Sorry if I trigger anyone. 

[Nathalie99 Partner in reply to Rontgen]

I am glad that any support from here helps. One of the most important things is feeling heard. That somebody listens. I do...

I have been trying to figure out how to best help you from the distance. Not much but anything counts.

I know when I get very overwhelmed by a situation, I try to listen to my own needs. What would help in this very moment. Sometimes I need to be alone and have my space, watch or read something. Other times I go outside for a walk or bike trip to clear my head and release the stress energy. Also calling someone to talk about things helps a lot. Sometimes there is a solution that I haven't thought of and talking things through might help. 

When in dispute with institutions, it's rarely getting justice. All those rules and regulations they cover themselves with. Sometimes I've decided to let go and not fight with them anymore because it was not worth the stress. I know those things are triggering. I know it's extremely hard but could you try to do just one nice thing for yourself, something you enjoy, maybe walking the dogs or anything else to distract yourself? 

I think focusing less on your mother and giving yourself space to not think about all that painful stuff (if you can help it) would possibly help.

I know you heard this before, but just focus on next 5 minutes...then the next 5...then the next and so on.

P.S. Just wanted to let you know that I have seen a strength and hope for recovery in one of your recent replies. A part of you doesn't want to give up. Maybe you could read that again and remember how you felt stronger. It is possible to get better, one small step at a time till you make it. Hold on to that part which doesn't want to give up...

[freeandalive1 Volunteer]

Sounds like you deal with a narcissistic mother....there is a really good book out titled, "Will I Ever Be Good Enough?" I forget the author, but it is a woman who overcame a very unhealthy relationship with her mom who controlled her. The lady is a counselor who works with women who were raised by narcissistic mothers. It helps understand and hopefully gives you strength and some strategies to help deal with her.....drugs won't do it....I hope you are committed to moving away from drugs as your coping mechanism because that is letting the others win....and they will kill you...