Sent to Coventry again, only 2 weeks out of psych ward for OD. Was gentle, now angry again. Gardening is her hobby not mine but she demands I help = emotional blackmail.
Mother could get a cleaner and gardener but expects me to do it instead or controls and crushes me into doing what she wants, when she wants it and how she wants it. Says I won't inherit if I do not do as she demands. If she is downstairs, I am up and vice versa. The dogs usually stay with me, thankfully. Emotionally she has made me completely dependent on her and she on me, that now, even at 55 I do not know how to cope alone, too scared to leave home even if I could. She is 88.
Son living in London with my sister to be near work until he can afford a place of his own. I miss him so very much. He has ADHD, Dyspraxia, Dyslexia and ASD but also a B.Sc degree and great at anything technical. I am jealous of sister, feel trapped alone and jealous of my brother running a scuba diving business while his partner is the judge of The Dutch Antilles in Aruba, Carusol, and other islands. She decides cases herself, they have no jury. My brother swims with the sharks. I would prefer the free dolphins but great lifestyle in beautiful weather and loving company, retired there before 50! Escaped the rat race and didn't want kids, even though she was torn between kids and career but chose my brother as her surrogate child. Keeps looking at my son, who looks just like my brother and I, and probably ponders what if?
I want company but do not feel sociable at all. CPN came today and I took dogs out alone and kept myself to myself. Dogs and chocolate comfort me and feedback from here. I feel so lost, withdrawn and scared like a small child alone in the dark.