Two a.m. more of the same --I guess I better add a TRIGGER WARNING

[Nothing_but_books]

I called my separated husband on the phone at one a.m. and woke him up. He's not well; recently diagnosed with cancer. I apologized for waking him, and said an emergency has come up. He usually handles this; I didn't know how to. I asked him for instructions. He yelled I'm coming over! "No" I said, "don't come! Please just tell me what to do." He hung up on me.

I called back. The phone just rang.

He let himself in. He has keys because I fall sometimes and I need help. He walked in screaming that I am selfish, stupid, every vicious thing he could come up with. I stood in his way, and he tried to shove me out of the way.

The names: the same ones I talked about earlier. Mental illness labels among them. I told him the words mean he is cruel, not that I am sick or evil.

I asked him to please leave now, and further, to please, before he goes, tell me what I asked on the phone -- how he manages the problem.

He made a fist and bumped the glass in my front door with it. He shrieked "I'll punch my fist right through here, right now, if you don't get out of my way and let me get to work." I didn't. He screamed more names at me.

He raged that I was perfectly capable of preventing this problem from occurring in the first place.

No. Not "perfectly capable". I could do it and injure myself badly. I had explained that to him many times. He either doesn't believe my pain is real or doesn't care. Then he raged that I don't care about his cancer. Kinda ironic, huh? Who's not freaking caring about who's pain? So I shouldn't have woken you and asked for instructions? Say so on the phone you monster!

Stupid me, I spent minutes trying to calm the situation down. It never mattered to him.

Then I lost it and screamed at him to get out right now, he has no business telling me whether or not I'm in too much pain to do anything -- I've been in constant pain, disabled, and traumatized for more than twenty years -- how dare you tell me what I'm feeling and what I can and can't do! I didn't ask you to come here, I woke you for help.

I'm in shock now I guess. The real horror and pain will come tonight when I don't sleep more than an hour or two. Worse tomorrow when i'm in terror all day, needing his help to care for myself, hating him and me. Needy, frightened, alone, and traumatized.

[Dolphin14 Moderator]

NBP

My heart breaks when I read what you go through. This relationship is so toxic for you. I know you have no choices at the moment, you rely on him for many things.

Im so sorry he treats you this way. Your anxiety must go though the roof when you have to ask him for help.

His and actions show what kind of person he is. He has a short fuse and snaps. I know he is dealing with his own health issues now but he never has or had the right to be cruel to another person.

Self care is very important right now. I know you struggle with this. Rest and nourishment are necessary for your strength and health. Take some special bonding time with Tara, she loves you.

You are so important to us NBP. You are not alone, we care about you

❤️🐬

[Nothing_but_books in reply to Dolphin14]

I always take your words to heart. I'll try extra hard to take care of myself and not give in to fear. I need to try for some sleep. I'm so humiliated to be in this situation. People blame you, you know. I did what I was supposed to do to get out. The system kicked me in the teeth. Now I'm old and scared. Okay, time to get off the computer and try for sleep. I'm scared of tomorrow.

I care about you too. I try to do what I can to show it, please know I try.

[Dolphin14 Moderator in reply to Nothing_but_books]

My friend. Your words are so kind. You are doing the best you can in a horrible situation. I see that.

I know the exact spot you are in. I know how hard it is to live when we have a tormenter. You are so brave and strong. I know you can't see that but I do.

I see that you care about me. It's not easy to feel safe and have trust when you are a victim. You have been there for me when I needed you. That's what friends do

❤️❤️

[Nothing_but_books in reply to Dolphin14]

💜💜

[Angels111]

Hi,

I am so sorry for such a traumatic night. Being in pain often must be so difficult to live with. I hear your frustration at the situation. Also, wanting help by phone, and being upset when the person comes over. I am Sending you a virtual hug.

[Nothing_but_books in reply to Angels111]

Being in constant disabling pain is terrible. Being told it's not real by someone who watched your life go away hurts like I hope you can't imagine. It hurts and buried under the pain and fear is hate too. I want them all to go away.

[Mrspjsmom]

My heart broke reading your post. You handled yourself well. Stayed calm as long as you could and put him first. Sadly the toxic people in our lives often get worse as time passes. Right now you are trapped in a bad situation and a horrible cycle of abuse. I pray it gets better for you soon. HUGS ❤️ P.S. Check your messages

[Nothing_but_books in reply to Mrspjsmom]

See... see... this is part of why I hide the horror of my life.

There's pity -- no... no;

there's being chastised (people blame you for not getting out you know, they didn't live it) if i never hear again I need to get myself out of this it's too soon;

or, worst, the friends who have been kindest to you are hurt to read how bad it is. I dn't what to hurt you.

[Mrspjsmom in reply to Nothing_but_books]

You didn't hurt me. I understand because I have experienced some of what you post.

[Nathalie99 Partner]

I am so sorry that you endured so much for 20 years, NBP. This is heartbreaking... You have my empathy and support.

There is a lot of grief for the relationship lost that once was even if it has been abusive. Lots of emotions in a very complex situation with so many aspects of it.

No advice, just support...

[Nothing_but_books in reply to Nathalie99]

I heard you.