hi guys

I am slightly dissociated. But want to discuss something. I may or may not take my 1mg of ativan so I can be more comfortable and lucid.

I will try to not go on and on. But need to get some things out, and it is a bit of explaining.

I am sending my appeal for SSDI in soon, six months late with note that says reason is due to being ill.

I originally applied in 2002. Followed up occasionally but never to the extent I had to to get it due to being ill. Now, I want to find a lawyer to support me to re open all my old cases from when I was last insured, 2002, and help me to get it.

I am scared. It involves fighting a fight when odds are against me. I pray to find a lawyer who believes in my cause and will work hard to find a way, against any odds, and help me get it. It is so important. I am willing.

I may also apply for SSI. However, one has to have under 2k at all times with this. Including when applying.

And even if you do get SSDI, two years later, it will be 800/month. Ridiculous. Then of course SSI is about 700/month and one cannot live on either of these only as income, in any decent fashion in this country. Should I follow up even when there are all sorts of odds against me? I am going to, want to know what people think.

Thinking of asking my mom to write letter to my father who has been helping me each month for some time. Since each time I have to discuss money with him, when I have needed it, I get triggered very very badly. So a letter saying what I need each month for my lifetime, which he is setting up some 'special needs' trust for me, for some reasons due to free health insurance etc. And some amount to buy a small condo/home to make sure I am not on the street etc. Does anyone think this is a good idea in any way?

I am trying to take the middle way. Me, do all I can myself to heal and work, ask him for help I need, but stay safe, and make sure I am not on the streets, ill or in dangerous situations etc if I cannot work.... in my life.

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