None of my family seem to really want to own up to adult responsibility

[SavingGrace]

I said this in jest, yet Half feel it and fear it. I don’t know where I am this evening. My mum berates me for drinking too much for getting emotional ; but drinking helps soften the blow and pain. Without it I would be unable to accept much worse things.

It is funny how the life I left behind- yes quite willingly, has become like a symbol of cold isolation for me in my current life.

I’m in tears this evening as I realise that my dad continues to pursue a girl younger than his daughter plus some years. And I just don’t get it 😭😭😭🤯😭 after the pain of our initial family trauma, the subsequent divorce, step parents, health issues etc..., why now also this kick in the teeth father??? Is this all you have to leave as your legacy? Are you as broken as me that you can not see to lead the way forward and through - so you feel like you might give up???

Is this it for us daddy? When we once knew and learnt so much more. When we could have pride in our inner skills rather than in our financial pockets

Please, Lord, I implore You - hear my prayer 🙏

[SavingGrace Administrator]

No one here on my side. Just telling ME !!! to get myself together.

[Marnie22 Volunteer]

Hi. I am sorry for your pain. I will say a prayer for you.

I just wondered, have you had any help in dealing with your feelings? I only ask because I had pain that I dealt with in a way that (I found) didn't really help me resolve anything ( not drinking, but kind of related,) and when I found the right therapy, although it took time and a lot of effort, it lead me to be able to deal with my feelings and the issues behind them in a way that helped to heal me.

You cannot change how the people in your life behave, but you can change how you deal with the feelings that come up.

I found that understanding where my feelings came from took their power away and helped me realise that I was not to blame for many things that I thought were my fault.

Hope I haven't rambled too much.

🌷

[SavingGrace Administrator in reply to Marnie22]

You have not rambled at all . Thankyou for your thoughts. I hope that my father comes to remember his own truth, just as I hope for my own self. I feel alone in this most of all - without any support. I guess that is what has scared me most right now - how alone I am/ feel. No one has my back.

[SavingGrace Administrator in reply to SavingGrace]

I will try and work on why I feel the way I do. But I know the answers already I guess. Just not been thinking what I was hearing would come true.

[Marnie22 Volunteer in reply to SavingGrace]

I understand the feeling of being alone. That's one reason why I mentioned the therapy I have had and how it has helped me - I no longer look to others to help me cope, I now know different ways to think about things, strength I never used to have, a clearer view of who I really am and good ways to sooth myself. I found that most of my distress originated in stuff from my family and childhood and it had tainted my view of myself badly.

If you are not interested in therapy of any sort, I would recommend learning relaxation techniques and mindfulness. Both of these can have a big impact on negative thoughts, anxiety and low mood.

I wish you all the best.🌷

[SavingGrace Administrator in reply to Marnie22]

Thank you Marnie, this is really helpful advice . I take note xxx

[Marnie22 Volunteer in reply to SavingGrace]

🌷🙂🌷

[Nathalie99 Partner]

I'm sorry you are suffering such hardships and dealing with so much, SavingGrace.

I think maybe each member of your family goes through different coping ways after that horrible trauma that you went through as a family.

At that time you were together but trauma can unfortunately tear families apart as everyone deals with things differently.

I hope that there are things that keep you together regardless of different life choices.

I understand how scary it is to feel utterly alone. You are going through a transition and what happened at work is a lot to cope with. Anything on top of that might just be too much at this time.

I know sometimes it's easy to not know our limits and then suddenly finding that it's all too much. It's natural that you need support from your parents at this very difficult time.

I know how it's like when the closest family member wasn't there for me during my trauma (but was there for someone else at the same time). It really hurt. It makes me feel like I don't want to be ever needing other people and just lock myself away from anyone because I am scared of being hurt again. But I take my chances again and again, even though people let me down horribly in the past.

I hope you find a new idea and direction to pursue. To some extent keeping busy helps me but I also need time out for reflection.

I hope you can have a nice walk with your dog when the weather is okay and have some time reconnecting with your inner self, being your own best friend.

Sending love <3

[Shy_Guy]

I am amazed that there are some people will live and die still an emotional child. They will never grow up.

My mom did that. She was incapable of taking any responsibility for her behavior. Blaming everyone else for her own life choices. One day happy the next day suicidal. Mental illness is like that. It is not something that is obvious or stands out. Drinking on top of this illness is a double whammy.

My Dad on the other hand has taken responsibility and is willing to talk but has some how emotionally shut down all emotions so he stays stuck. I at least have a chance with a more honest relationship with him.

So my legacy seems to jump from one extreme to the other. Emotionally distant and emotionally out of control. Therapy has helped me calm the anger and self destructive tendencies. I struggle with being an adult and living honestly but the willingness is there.

I am sure my children will one day come to me mad as hell. They will want to blame me for their problems. It is the naturally way to start. I will let them yell if they want. I will cry inside and listen to their pain. Hopefully I will have the strength to let them go through their rants and be an adult about their blame. Then after they have process some of their stuff, I will explain my pain and frustration with my solutions to my pain and they might understand a little. I am pretty sure I can handle it. I am sure that I love them enough to let them heal some without me shutting them down and telling them to just get over it.

I have this wish that the shame and pain that has been passed down for generations in my family can be lessoned in my generation. I hope I will not pass is down like most of the people before me. I will not know until it happens though. It is so very hard to be an adult but I think it is the best and honorable way to live.

[1Grace Volunteer in reply to Shy_Guy]

Shy_Guy, you have to know how loving you are to your children by not passing on the pain and shame you endured and by allowing them to process their stuff! That's very, very difficult. I know, because it's what I'm trying to do, too, but it doesn't come naturally because I don't have the happy memories that would help me to do this more easily. So I have to always think about how I would have liked to be treated. I struggle with being an adult, too, but you are right, it is the most honorable way to be. Kudos to you!