have not seen

my father for 18 years or so. Last time I was there, after an hour, I ended up in the hospital. What can one do? When your own father is the number one trigger for PTSD? And you are terrified of him, he cannot help hurting people, he doesn't even consciously know he does. And you love him.

And you feel you have no opportunity and never did for a decent life.

And now he is getting older, 86/87.

And when I was supposed to follow up for SSDI when I was still insured, I did not appeal and follow through until I got it. Now it is a decade late and some friends are telling me to still send in the appeal for when I applied six months ago, again late appeal.

Everything hurts. I cannot see any good future. Well I can, but I cannot make it happen the way I want.

So much pain, hurt, sadness, fear.

It does feel too much. I know to take it one day at a time, but I am in a deep depression and it seems talking to people does not really help, because they cannot do anything about things.

I know it is the holidays, so I am holding on and knowing it is particularly hard time of year, but I need some light, hope, something. Love.

I have friends. And whatever. But complicated with boyfriend, and cannot deal with all to write it all right now.

I know to be good to myself. Be gentle on myself, kind to myself. Try to have hope even if I cannot see the forest through the trees. Just take the next step and be good to myself. Trying to.

20 Replies

  • very negative thinking I know. In a depression, holidays. Plus life. I need to just take it slow and try to think positive and do anything positive.

  • Sometimes we just need to vent. To say it exactly as it is right now in this moment....and there is absolutely nothing wrong with doing that! I hope things lift a bit for you really soon.

  • maybe 15 years, not sure.

  • but email back and forth over all the years. And on the phone when he needed support. I need a mediator to keep me safe too. I need so much. And need to do so much.

  • Just taking one step at a time...sometimes all we can do is survive.

    At a time that's particularly hard, there is no other way. Thinking about too many things at the same time and trying to solve everything is adding more pressure. That's not so good.

    You are right. Being kind to yourself and giving yourself plenty of time to solve those things, one at a time, only when you will be able to handle them, is what's needed to survive and not let those things get to you too much...

  • hi Nathalie,

    I am giving myself time today. Just laying in bed. Not even thinking about things. thank you

  • Families are complicated my father a trigger for me too. I can only myself be with him when I am strong inside otherwise I just can't

    You do need to be gentle and loving with yourself after all it has to come from us first . We are always baby stepping our way to healing one moment at a time one day at a time. Good for you for recognizing that your care is important to

  • hi fight back,

    yeah, I am just one stepping at a time. Baby steps. Nurturing myself. thank you

  • Awake in the middle of the night, feeling very sad myself too, want to say I hear you, and I know a similar feeling. (Cuddled my kitties and ate some warm food, so I experience a bit of physical comfort.) I've had days when all I could do was take the next breath. I'm grateful to myself for doing that, because it bought me time, and the chance to feel some easing of the depression, and eventually to make it through.

    Yes, it's challenging to do that. Still, I believe we can.

    I'm rooting for you.

    Keep us ongoingly posted on how you are doing, please, Murrday

  • thank you Murrday. Don't know where I would be without a cat. I am comforting myself too. Still feel depressed but just resting and being gentle on myself. Trying not to think. yeah, warm food and cats, comfort for me too

  • I'm glad you have your cat too. Rest and gentleness is the way to go.

  • Which is worse? Seeing him or having him die without seeing him? That's a tough call only you can make. If you seehim, have zero expectations. Plan the meeting out.

  • And maybe take a trusted friend with you. He will be less likely to do something toxic if there is a witness, and you will probably feel safer. In depression it's so easy to feel we are all alone and have to be tough and do everything ourselves, and that feels so overwhelmingly impossible that giving up is easier. We are social animals and we need other people to help us. There probably never has been any person who really could meet all of his/her needs alone. So please, reach out for help, and try to let go of the outcome. If you predict, even in your own mind, what the results will be, then you will just feel more depressed and hopeless if the person can't or won't helpl you. When that happens, it is for their own reasons, and not about you. Then go on to the next person. And soon you will find someone to care and help, I'm sure of it. Just baby steps, one thing at a time. Safe hugs to you and good luck.

  • hi slytownshend, almost out of steam. All I can do on the computer and I am exhausted. thank you. I will do baby steps. One thing at a time. thank you for the support and encouragement. I will keep looking until I find people who care and will help like you say. So tired.

  • You're welcome, glad to be of help. Depression can be exhausting, but you might want to consider making sure you don't have other condition(s) that may be making it difficult for you to find energy to do what you need to do for yourself. I care. So please, never give up on yourself. You are a magnificent human being and deserve to have the best life you can!

  • I am EXTREMELY Sorry for your losses. Nothing Hurts worse. Sadly, "The Year Of Firsts" Is always the Hardest. IT WILL Get Better over Time. It may take YEARS, But, eventually, it will. We are ALL here to Help & Support you.

  • thank you. hurting so much right now and so scared.

  • Sweetie, as a survivor of child abuse, I have to advise you do what is best for you. Because you also, wont be able to help him if you are ill yourself. Sorry, I cant focus to read all the comments here.

    Have you tried explaing gently to him. ie Dad when you say Im fat, it makes me feel like Im worth nothing at all. I get so upset, I cry for hours. It triggers my PTSD. I dont want some words to cause us to be distant. Would you be willing to help me on that please? A loving father, after much puffing and you neeed to be strong comments, will bend backward to help his child. Especially since that makes you sick. My mother lied to us when my father wanted to see us before he died. Im in UK, they were abroad. It is a time when fear of God makes people apppologise. Years latter, she refuse to accept he even beat me. I made my choice, and broke free. You cant loose what you never had. I was abuse in every way possible, tick every abuse box. All I wanted is an acknowledgemt of what she saw herself. NO, but she was very quick asking for money. Those are not parents. I told her if her pride was more important than my health, then my parents must have died when I was a baby. Her loss.

    Try explaing, over several occasions. And expect denial at first.

    I hope you find what is right for you.


  • No time to share all my thoughts but I'm thinking of you, peacefulandcalm calm and sending hugs too!

    Ocean sounds breathing and kindness to youself......

    Thanx Murrday- your ideas still keeping me alive surviving!

    Hang in there everyone.....it'll pass!

  • that is what I am trying to do, hang in there. just stay positive some how. reach out to friends, on here. thank you

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