my father for 18 years or so. Last time I was there, after an hour, I ended up in the hospital. What can one do? When your own father is the number one trigger for PTSD? And you are terrified of him, he cannot help hurting people, he doesn't even consciously know he does. And you love him.
And you feel you have no opportunity and never did for a decent life.
And now he is getting older, 86/87.
And when I was supposed to follow up for SSDI when I was still insured, I did not appeal and follow through until I got it. Now it is a decade late and some friends are telling me to still send in the appeal for when I applied six months ago, again late appeal.
Everything hurts. I cannot see any good future. Well I can, but I cannot make it happen the way I want.
So much pain, hurt, sadness, fear.
It does feel too much. I know to take it one day at a time, but I am in a deep depression and it seems talking to people does not really help, because they cannot do anything about things.
I know it is the holidays, so I am holding on and knowing it is particularly hard time of year, but I need some light, hope, something. Love.
I have friends. And whatever. But complicated with boyfriend, and cannot deal with all to write it all right now.
I know to be good to myself. Be gentle on myself, kind to myself. Try to have hope even if I cannot see the forest through the trees. Just take the next step and be good to myself. Trying to.