Mourning in the morning....

[sugar-pants]

Along with my ptsd that I've had for 3 years, I would cry alot. But my time was takin up by having the privilege of being my sweet Dad's caregiver. He passed away 5 months ago and now I mourn & cry every morning.

He was the most loving father a girl could ever want. He taught me so very much. The last 5 years I took care of him, driving him to all his appts, tests or just anyplace he wanted to go! It was my pleasure. I thanked God he was cognitive so we could talk about old times, good or challenging.

He would tell all the doctors, nurses, medical staff that I was his guardian angel.

How blessed I am to have been his daughter! I thank God that He gave me to him & my sweet Mom as a baby. And they would say, they thanked God, for giving me to them.

So mourning my Dad in the morning is very hard on me. Here's 1 of the reasons. ...my Dad would get up very early and ride his bike outside for 26 miles and loved it. The peacefulness that early for him meant he was " alive". I would often thank him for taking care of himself, so we could have him in to his later years. And we did!

Now, I have this part of me thats missing, even though I talk to him a lot & pray for his guidance. His heart would break when he saw what I went through with my ptsd.

Even up to his last days, I was sitting in his hospital room, watching tv while he slept, & he reached up, took off his oxygen mask & waved me over to him & said " always remember you were the victim".....I thanked him. He never wanted my thoughts to go to a place of guilt. He was so wise that he knew that things that devestated people ( like ptsd) or any tragedy that stopped their life to the point where they felt they couldn't live it to the fullest, that guilt & isolation would creep in. That cannot be an option. It's worth repeating that he was a very wise man.

As many times as people have told me what a wonderful daughter I was, they only know half the story. Some know about the ptsd, others dont.

So the crying in the mornings are not fun. My therapist is great, & I apply his advice of being grateful and trying to remain calm each day. He's taught me that I can't change yesterday, I can't predict tomorrow but I can do what is right in front of me now. And that is sharing with all of you this morning. I'm present right now with you.

Thanks for being here for me.

Be kind to yourself.

Warm regards

Sugar-pants

[Lindyloo53 Volunteer]

Hi sugar pants. I to had the pleasure of looking after my mother. She came to live with me eighteen years before I lost her. She was under palliative care for the last couple of years of her life. We grieved together hEr passing, by this I mean we talked a lot and cried a lot before she died. She cried because she knew she was going to die and leave me and I cried because I was going to loose her. My mother had changed a lot when she came to live with me. She was not the best mother when I was growing up and I chose to let things go. That didn't mean I was not. hugely affected by what she did but it meant I could now see reasons for it. There was some healing for me in realising this. She was amazing as she aged. She carried guilt for how she was when we were young children. I told her if I forgive you then what right do you have not to forgive yourself and we both cried. You don't get over losing someone you have cared for you just learn to live with not having them on a daily basis in your home. You are in the very early stages of grieving. Be kind to yourself.

[SavingGrace Administrator]

Above all, that your father recognised and, Called you as His guardian angel - is such a wonderful blessing <3 Hold on to that and Celebrate the joy and beautiful, loving light that kept you both - beyond guilt, shame, duty..

Moments, even words can inspire a lifetime of healing Love <3

Blessings to You. xxx