Does anyone have an answer to this?

[GreyWolf001]

As a short background story: my husband is narcissistic and has abused me in multiple ways over many years. I have grown, studied through this situation, and looking for the day when I can walk out from this 'marriage'.

He has a very unpleasant character and many behavioral issues. One of his chronic issues is to make it difficult to get out of the home together whenever we need to go somewhere. Since his lifestyle differs from mine, he likes to stay awake for a big part of the night, making it difficult for him to wake up in the morning. Actually he does not respect my time and presence even if he happens to be awake. He loves to put me down, minimize me, and delay leaving a house just to feel important. Such behavior has caused a lot of trouble between us and at some point, it started causing me panic attacks. Despite my suffering, he has not changed his behavior. This has led me to stress out just thinking about the upcoming events and the need to go anywhere altogether. Years-long unresolved problems have escalated so that when I must wake him up (at a previously agreed time) I become extremely nervous, I could say hateful about the situation and towards him. I have no patience. I may even behave in a spiteful way.

Is this outcome expected and normal? Who is the abuser in this situation, me or him? Am I allowing his abuse to change me? Or is it all a normal trauma response? Can anyone clarify, please?

[gajh]

You said "so that when I must wake him up (at a previously agreed time) I become extremely nervous." If that is the biggest problem at this time, why doesn't he use an alarm clock to wake himself up instead of you having to wake him up? I know that isn't the whole problem and that doesn't solve everything else, but it might help a little.

[GreyWolf001 in reply to gajh]

He has an alarm, even more than 1, but he does not wake up. I believe that the whole block building wakes up from his ongoing alarms, but not him himself.

[gajh in reply to GreyWolf001]

That must be so annoying that he does not wake up to his alarm.

[gettingsomewhere in reply to GreyWolf001]

Poor you. I wonder if he's setting you up somehow, it sounds very stressful.

[hypercat54]

The only answer is to leave him. You will never win with a narcissist.

[Moonwalker1967]

I agree, you need to leave him. He will never change. I have just walked out on my ex husband over night and started a new life. Make sure not to date another narcissist again and get lots of information/help online.

[1949liz]

*** Trigger Warning ***

I can actually feel myself in your position, 30 years I suffered at the hands and mind of a narcissistic evil violent, verbally abusive, physically abusive and psychologically abusive and other things which are not right in repeating it just sickening

Exclusion, they love that that’s power, they love the power you to themselves, you suffering, they enjoy it, they know what they’re doing most likely he’s intelligent so he’ll play on it. He might say things like I know what I’m talking about I am the professional. 34 years and counting and I’m still being abused because he will not admit that our home is the one thing I want and he does not want me to have anything.

Please be careful he tried to kill me twice. I survived by the grace of God my advice to you is get your money in order. Make sure that you are secure in your home then either, get a court order to make him leave the home, if you don’t want it leave leave because if you don’t, it will only get worse. I know what I’m talking about. I’m a professional believe me.Make sure you have your own bank account and if you leave him or make him leave make sure you transfer all your money into your own account, I’m learning I keep on learning I’m finding myself now. because of his money and power I’m going to be homeless. Because he has the money and he’s playing on that.. take care God bless you, and if you need any help or support I can help you in anyway I can, refuge is amazing organisation. Love Liz. 🙏🤗

[GreyWolf001 in reply to 1949liz]

I am staying for now only for the safety of my children. It is complicated and there is something more dangerous if I divorce now. Anyway, we have a plan with the kids and eventually, we will get out. Until then, I take it day by day.

It is so ridiculous that after how he has treated me throughout my pregnancies, childbirths, and chronic illness conditions, today he complains that I do not treat him right. Well yeah, I do not treat him right today, but why, there is a reason for that. Even after everything he had done to me, I do not treat him similarly to what he had made me face.

No responsibility or accountability, never gonna grow up, complete loser and hopeless case.

[hypercat54 in reply to GreyWolf001]

How are your children safer in that atmosphere? One day he will try and do the same to them if he isn't already.

When you do leave do NOT let him know where you are in case he decides to hurt you or the children. The news is full of cases like this which don't end well.

Keep yourself and your children safe at all costs.

[Nothing_but_books in reply to 1949liz]

You're absolutely right. Money is power.

I find myself old, crippled, and frightened of being homeless. A decent lawyer won't take you on if your spouse has all the money. The one I got won't return my calls. I have to go through it to power through my fear of calling yet again, only to get the BS we'll call back soon. Soon doesn't happen.

[Mamamichl]

did his behavior or yours happen first? That would be the abuse. The second one would be the trauma response. In your case, I would probably say his abuse has changed you as my ex did me. This would probably make yours trauma response. You may be feeing that you are not yourself anymore, am I right?

[Lindyloo53 Volunteer]

hello.

I had a husband that expected me to work and support him. I happily did this for a long time. One day I thought bugger it. I employed a cleaner twice a week. He complained that the cleaner intruded on him (I was at work!)

I said well I’m not working full time and cleaning house. He expected me to come home in my lunch hour and shower him (he was disabled and in a wheelchair). I did this for a long time then I rang an assessment agency to come out and assess him for help with his personal cares (I did this at the same time as the cleaner). I did not forewarn him of the assessment and took time off work to be there. He was shocked as he had always called the shots.

My job had me often overseas at conferences and I had always slaved and had meals in the freezer for him for while I was away. I stopped doing this but arranged meals on wheels for him. That’s a service where meals are prepared in a hospital and delivered daily. He complained about the meals so I told him you have two choices to make either eat them or starve.

Finally after many years of being down trodden I stepped into my personal power.

I did leave him, well moved him out, as I bought his share of our home out from him.

I was financially secure and he hated that.

I’m wondering what woukd happen if you told him at 4pm we need to leave for….please make sure you’re ready or I will go without you and do it ? Don’t be his personal alarm clock anymore step into your personal power.

[Nothing_but_books]

Please read "the myth of mutual abuse." The fact you're asking yourself this question is telling. Would he do that?

thehotline.org/resources/mu...